My Bitchfest.

dec2018mom · April 2015

1. My mom is coming, which I'm very excited about. They are probably inducing May 11th, so she's coming on May 4th to help me get last minute things done. She will be staying 3 weeks after the birth of my daughter.
The problem is that she smokes. She will smoke outside on my patio with no problem, but the issue is that the smell is so strong and I don't want my newborn to smell like smoke. I've mentioned that she will have to use her e cigarette while she's here and she said no, she just won't come. She said she's tired of people telling her what to do and that I'm not the only one who has had a baby. No, I'm fully aware I'm not the only one, but it took me 6 years to get pregnant, so yeah I'm protective.

2. My grandma is also going to visit for a few days and my dad will be for a week. I'm worried that this is going to mean that my husband and I cannot hold our baby when we want without someone (probably grandma) throwing a fit. My mom's argument is that we have the rest of our lives with our daughter and since my family lives in another state they won't get to see her much.

Having them not come right away isn't an option. My parents are thrilled and I do want and need their support and help. I'm just worried about the above issues.

3. My mom thinks breast feeding is basically gross and painful and formula is the way to go. There's nothing wrong with formula, but of course if you can breastfeed and have the desire then you should do what you think is best. Well I think breastfeeding is best. She thinks *if* I breastfeed then I should stop after baby gets a certain size because "it looks bad with a big baby attached to your nipple." Excuse me? I don't care how it looks when I'm feeding a 6 month or 9 month or hell even a year old baby from my breast. That's what they're there for...to feed our children. Some women breastfeed well after a year old. I just can't believe she would say that.

I just needed to rant. It seems there are so many people coming out with advice that I'm not asking for.
Getting tired of hearing:
1. Sleep when the baby sleeps
2. You don't need a changing table, you'll change her on the floor all the time.
3. You don't need ______. You won't use it anyway.
4. Your husband is going to be wrapped around her finger.
5. You need to find out your induction date and push the doctors for one. You have people coming from out of town and we need to know when to be there so we don't miss anything.

I can't wait until my baby is here and things are settled down in a routine.

What's really bothering you ladies?

thing3ontheway · April 2015

Sorry but I would tell them all to stay home. I wouldn't want to even be dealing with that now let alone after baby comes. No thanks and good luck to you if you allow all those stressors around you. It's you and SO time with YOUR baby. Not theirs. Don't let them ruin it

blankenbakerh · April 2015

WSS^^^. Maybe I am mean but if someone including my family couldn't respect my wishes and be supportive I would tell them to stay home. It sounds like they will be more stressful than helpful.... I would be putting my foot down about the cigarette thing. Even just the smell from clothing and hands can be harmful to a newborn. If she insisted on smoking I would tell her she has to change her shirt and wash her hand before handling my child. If she didn't like it then she could stay home. I would also be asking her to keep her comments of breastfeeding to herself. Also it's important that you and your hubby have time to bond with you baby in the first few weeks. Having too many people around monopolizing your child can make that harder. If they insist on coming I would ask them not to hold the baby too much or pass the baby around too much as well.

blankenbakerh · April 2015

I personally prefer not having anyone stay with me until after the first week or two. I prefer to have that time to get into a routine and bond with my baby.

dec2018mom · April 2015

Right! Girl, I'm starting to feel exactly like this. Prior to the idiotic comments I was excited to see my family since I don't get to often at all. We are close and seeing them once per year kills me.

I just wish there was a way for me to express how I feel and what I need and expect without people getting their feelings hurt. I'm thinking there isn't a way and I'll have to risk them not coming. I don't want or need the stress of them not following my wishes. They all raised their kids already. I want my time to do it how DH and I want.

Unfortunately DH says they won't be here long and Things will get to our version of normal soon enough.

bean8213 · April 2015

thing3ontheway said:
Sorry but I would tell them all to stay home. I wouldn't want to even be dealing with that now let alone after baby comes. No thanks and good luck to you if you allow all those stressors around you. It's you and SO time with YOUR baby. Not theirs. Don't let them ruin it

This. It sounds like they are going to make your life very stressful and probably push their parenting ideas on you, rather than let you figure out what works for your family. Especially the BFing part - BFing can be really difficult in the beginning and it will be even harder if there is someone in your house who keeps telling you to not do it.

I would also tell your mom that she needs to put on a clean shirt after every time she goes outside to smoke. No new shirt, no touching the baby.

YOU are this baby's mother. You set the rules and standards and people either abide by them or they need to GTFO.

PutMeintheZoo · April 2015

Our families are from out of town and I'm also stressing about being bombarded by everyone and people staying at our house over their welcome / getting in our way too much. Just ignore the unwanted advice and do what you want to do... and don't feel bad speaking up for what you need / want = You're the new mom who's recovering from labor, adjusting to a new baby, so IMO people need to defer to you. "Sleep when the baby sleeps" was the most annoying thing I constantly heard everyone say after my DS was born... It's not totally feasible, true, or something you'd even want to do perhaps.

My biggest rant is similar to what you said in #2. My MIL is very passive aggressive and takes things way too personally. She got upset quite a bit after DS was born that she couldn't hold him enough or "help" enough (since I was breast feeding / he slept so much). She needs to just chill out. I'm already getting stressed about how she'll act after DD is born... :-(

trishadobel · April 2015

I am with the other posters, I would tell them all that they can either come and do help out by being supportive and following your requests or stay home. And honestly, if they are there stressing you out they won't be providing the help you are hoping to get. Also, if you put your foot down and tel everyone how things are going to be in your house, you might see them back off and start listening to what you have to say.

dec2018mom · April 2015

I've already told them to come. It wasn't a problem before because they kept their comments to themselves and my mom seemed to side with me on everything.

Now I'm not sure. I feel like since I told her not to do something then she's just acting like a bitch. It wasn't a huge fight, but it annoyed me. I don't know what to do. I want them here, but I want them to stick to my wishes. I love my family and know they wouldn't do anything to harm my child on purpose, but my mom smoked while pregnant with me and thinks it's not that serious.

I think for sure anyone who smokes will be required to wash hands, change shirts, and use hand sanitizer.

blankenbakerh · April 2015

I think you need to politely tell them how you feel. You can be honest and express to them your wishes without being hateful. It's important to have support and not negativity during those first few weeks. As PP said breastfeeding can be difficult the first few weeks or even months and you need support. Once you work through the kinks it will be so rewarding. Then again you may no issues and breastfeeding go extremely smooth. The first few weeks are so crucial for you , DH and baby that you need to have a positive vibe and atmosphere not stress because your baby will pick up on this. The stress can also hinder your milk supply as well. If you express that what you need and that can't at least do that for you then they should stay home. If they decide to stay home then it's on them. My family lives in another state and we don't see them often. I miss my family but if I were hearing these types of comments before the baby even arrived I would probably ask them to wait a few weeks before coming. And I would probably tell if they could not be supportive then they could stay home and I would come visit them once I was released for travel.

dec2018mom · April 2015

I appreciate all the help with this issue. Its so hard for me to be strong against them. I feel like I'm the one setting expectations here and they're running around like children looking forward to breaking rules to prove a point.

I love my family so much, but I do think it's time for me to be firm and not let them walk all over me in my own house.
I want to enjoy every moment no matter how hard or challenging it may be. I never thought I'd be blessed with the ability to have a baby.

backwoodsbarbie2k15 · April 2015

I'm in a similar boat with your 2nd situation. Expect I live with my in law's and MIL calls my unborn daughter HERS and has pretty much made me very aware that this is her baby with no regard that this is my child. With comments like "grandma will make sure she's taken care of". That one kills me. I need the boundaries and respect that come along with this being MY daughter.

blankenbakerh · April 2015

Smoking is a big deal..... Just ask me I have asthma....

saric83 · April 2015

mrsphillips610 said:
I appreciate all the help with this issue. Its so hard for me to be strong against them. I feel like I'm the one setting expectations here and they're running around like children looking forward to breaking rules to prove a point.

I love my family so much, but I do think it's time for me to be firm and not let them walk all over me in my own house.
I want to enjoy every moment no matter how hard or challenging it may be. I never thought I'd be blessed with the ability to have a baby.

I know it's hard, but you simply have to suck it up and stop caring if anything you do hurts their feelings. It is what it is, and they'll get over it. I'm guessing they walk all over you because you let them. Stop letting them.

I would just talk to your mom and say something like, "Hey mom - I thought about the smoking thing a bit more after we talked. I totally get that you don't want people to tell you what to do, but this is non-negotiable for us. So if that means you don't want to come out, I totally understand. Just let me know whatever you decide." End of conversation. Do not engage with her further.

And for the BF'ing, don't talk to her about it!! If she brings it up, just say, "I appreciate your opinion, but this is what we've decided to do, so we'll try it and see how it goes." Again - END of conversation!

mrscimino914 · April 2015

This sucks. I can relate my mom told me she didn't breastfeed me because it was painful and that I turned out fine. Like there is no need for you to tell me what you did. My family is also out of state so fortunately they will come in June because I told them it's important that my husband and myself bond with our LO, especially being a first time parent. Sometimes being nice or considerate to the family just doesn't cut it. I'm like the bitch to everyone because they'll say something they want to do or what I should do and I freak out because calmy saying no wasn't getting to them. Yea smoking is a big no no. I read one lady on another thread said secondhand smoke gives a higher risk for SIDS. Now I don't know if that's fully true but tell your mom your not risking it or change her outfit, wash hands, brush teeth and sanitize everytime she goes for a smoke. Good luck, don't let them stress you. Especially so close to having your LO!!

thughes05 · April 2015

I'm assuming this is your first, and from experience, you definitely won't be able to sleep when baby sleeps, you will get the aww, he or she is so cute and just sit and stare at them for ever! And you might have 600 other things to do around the house while the LO sleeps. Believe me this comment always annoyed me, especially coming from someone who hasn't previously had a child!

dec2018mom · April 2015

I appreciate all of the replies ladies. I'm not one to be walked over by my parents. I know this post seems like that isn't so, but I don't put up with a lot of crap from them. Its mostly my mom that does things like this.

I just don't get it, she's been great so far and not thrown advice my way and let me do my own thing. Living 8 hours apart helps that I guess. I wish I could tell them to wait at least a week after Emily is born, but it's just not something I want. I want them here. I know it'll take some adjusting and I think I could use my mom for that.

I just don't want her smoke around the baby. I'm going to tell her to change her clothes, brush her teeth, and wash up before she touches the baby each time. If she's not okay with that then she doesn't need to stay.

nogitron · April 2015

I think my mother went through something similar to what you're describing with her own mother when I was born - she has always waited at least a month out before coming for her visit, saying, "I won't do to you what Grammie did to ME!" I don't mind, it is good to have a little time to settle in. We had some problems with breast feeding and weight gain at the beginning and I was exhausted, stressed, and spending a lot of time running back and forth to the lactation consultant and the pediatrician. Things were a little more settled by the time my parents came to visit.

I think you're right to stick to your guns about the smoking.

But regarding the advice, you really should sleep whenever you can, and I only ever changed diapers on our bed

DMEL · April 2015

At the very least, you have to Lay down your smoking rules. New shirt, wash hands- whatever makes you feel comfortable. That would be a non negotiable for me too.

kaynix21 · April 2015

I am out of patience personally so good on you being able to put up with some and work through it.

I would have told them all to stay and leave me alone,

rosannewild · April 2015

Here is the information from the CDC on secondhand smoke and SIDS.

https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/data_statistics/fact_sheets/secondhand_smoke/health_effects/index.htm?mobile=nocontent

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