AW feeling like Im being selfish. Tell me if i am.....

KirstenAlecia · April 2015

Ladies this is gonna be a bit of a read so please forgive me. It is also a 2 subject post. OPP mentioned for part 2.

So I know you ladies know and understand what its like to endure a loss and then have to be benched for several months on end and all you really can do is think about getting on with it again (even if you feel like emotionally not 100% ready....AMA means the clock it is a ticking)

SO.....My husbands brother is planning his wedding to be a destination wedding in Maui for February. This means if we are to go we have to put on the breaks. This was our first month we were given the go ahead to try again. I have to make a decision right now if we make their wedding a priority or is trying for a baby a priority. For the record I'm 39 in August and the clock is ticking. I don't know what to do. My sister in law to be knows we are trying but really wants us there. For the record they came to the family with the idea of a destination wedding wanting to know what we all thought.....basically looking for the blessing of those that they really wanted there. The parents and the siblings essentially......anyone else is just a bonus. We all said that we would make the trip. I think this is where my dilemma falls.

Now, more than likely I would not get pregnant the first attempts but I have to consider that it could happen.

They announced on Easter that this is the plan.

Now taking into consideration wedding site, travel and accommodations are not booked. So honestly once could stand to reason why put our plans on hold for plans that are not set in stone yet. Do i need to have more of a conversation with FSIL about the possibility to make sure she isn't hurt if we succeed TTC? Do i just not worry about? Cross that bridge if we get to it?

OPP warning

AW post #2.

My sister in law is PG and due in July. She has put a lot of space between us since my MC. We were 5 weeks apart and the last text she let me know that my MC made her scared for her own pregnancy and she needed to stay away for her own positive peace of mind. Now her and my brother and I were very close previously. Ive gone so far as to stay away from my family on holidays (like Easter this week) so as not to be that scary reminder for her. I do however feel beyond hurt. My brother who is my best friend never once even called or even a simple text to see if I was okay after the huge ordeal that our MC ended up being. I seriously didn't expect much from anyone after our loss but to not even have my brother and sister in law check in was hard because of the relationship we had. I feel like she is the only thing that is a trigger for my emotions anymore. I can come across other women expecting and babies and whatever....no problem. One because of the closeness in what would have been with the 2 of us had we both been PG right now, and the fact that she has used every holiday for milestone announcements (pg announcements, gender reveal, name reveal etc). I feel particularly whiny for that last one the feeling of "why can't i get through a holiday without a reminder" But I'm just gonna say even though I try and not feel that way.....the feelings they creep in. Two because Im incredibly hurt by them making me an outcast. They have every right to do so.......i just wish they would text me on a day I'm not trying to enjoy the day with other family or block me from the FB posts she understands its hard for me she said so.....so a little precaution. I did my part and unfollowed on Social media but the last one still came though. Im sure there are no more to come (next will when the LO arrives Im sure).......so for that I'm thankful

The whole take care of yourself first applies to them in this situation......i should understand that and I just still ache with heartbreak over it.

Thank you for the vent ladies. Its just a rough week I guess......i think I'm just not keeping busy enough maybe.

gfgrump · April 2015

Wow, sounds like you have lot going on. It is so hard to plan ahead when TTC. You don't want it to take over your life, but you also want to be realistic. It's so odd. I've just decided to cross every bridge when I get there. I don't know how else to go about it.

I'm so sorry that your bother and SIL haven't shown you support. That is awful. Hang in there. Things have to get better soon.

Guennie · April 2015

First, I am so sorry for what you're going through. It sucks that you have to make these decisions.

I have to say I think your brother and SIL have shown an incredible lack of love here. When I was pregnant with my daughter after having just lost three pregnancies in the previous year I was of course scared and nervous, but I never would have treated my family, or a friend, like they are treating you. Where is the empathy for what you've been through? I know everyone handles things differently but I'm sorry, they suck. You deserve better.

I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I don't. If it were me I would #1 put TTC above attending a wedding and #2 tell my jerk brother and SIL how much they are hurting me and how much I miss them. But that's me.

Big hugs to you, I hope you can move forward with confidence. And I'm very sorry for your loss.

kindershlitz · April 2015

I'm sorry @KirstenAlecia. You're going through so much.

In short, no way are you being selfish. If it was me, I would not put TTC on hold. If you are early in the pregnancy, you could still travel. That's me anyway, I don't think you should put your dreams on hold for someone else's, at least when it comes to a biological clock. Especially since no real plans are in place. It seems like they would be understanding if you were expecting.

As far as your SIL and brother, I agree they are not treating you in a loving way. It doesn't seem fair that you have to avoid family functions because of her fear and insensitivity to make these functions about her pregnancy (gender reveal, etc) Both she and your brother should reach out to you. It just isn't right

.

Hugs, lady.

KirstenAlecia · April 2015

Thank you ladies. Ive actually been holding in the sister in law and brother thing for some time now. It just seems the more time passes the more it hurts.....i actually expected to get better, but its just not. I wish this journey wasn't as hard as it can be. I know most of us here know this all too well.

dolphin012 · April 2015

I have gone through similar planning/decision making scenarios as you regarding travel plans that *might* interfere with pregnancy - depending on/when if we got pregnant. It is a hard balance between achieving our family goals and living other aspects of our lives especially those that include fun and important family gatherings. Around the time we started ttc my brother got engaged and they were discussing weddings in far reaches of the globe. They didn't (still don't know) we are ttc and i made the decision that we would put ttc first and tell them when they made a decision that there would be a chance we couldn't attend. I am very close with my brother and normally would not put myself over an important event for him. But given my age it could be choosing between a one day event (all be it important) for him vs a life goal that would shape the rest of our lives. (as an aside the planning so far has been a moot point, b/c it has been a couple of years and they have yet to plan a wedding - lol). For me i decided due to my age that we had to put everything into it and go for it. btw - that was one of the factors that helped us decide to move forward with ivf. We are both getting burnt out with constantly incorporating it into our planning and the uncertainty that goes with it.

It is a personal decision. But if you put ttc first, i don't think there is anything wrong with it. Can you determine how late into your pregnancy you are comfortable traveling and then start making tentative plans? If you make that date and you are still not pregnant you can move forward and plan to go to the wedding?

I am so sorry about the situation with your brother and SIL. As i was reading i thought you were going to say she was spending time away from you out of respect for your situation. So she wouldn't be a reminder to you! Honestly, i find her actions to be quite selfish and hard for me to understand (sorry if that is too blunt). Hang in there and make sure you are taking care of yourself and doing what you need to do to heal and continue moving forward,

hooligans4 · April 2015

Sending hugs your way.
I would not put ttc on hold for a destination wedding. You know as well as I do how hard it is to get pregnant. If you do get pregnant in the next 4 months you will have to pass on the wedding, if it happens after that you will be fine to travel right. If they are good people they will understand.

Now on to your brother, shame on him!!!!!!!
Your loss has nothing to do with her pregnancy. She should not be avoiding you.
I would tell your brother how hurt you are by this.
I will tell you that my SIL was 10 weeks ahead of me before my first loss. But I did not avoid her and she did not avoid me after the loss.
I will not lie, it does hurt to see her little boy reach milestones and I have to think of the what if I hadn't lost my baby they would be right behind him. But it's something I have to process and deal with. That's life and reality. It's also something you will have to go through.
Everything you are feeling is valid. Be honest to yourself and your family. In both instances just tell them both the truth. Honesty is always the best way to go.

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