Be honest....Am I a horriable person...flameworthy

danandkelly · January 2009

Okay, please read the post first....cause I'm sure you have opinions about me without this post Stick out tongue

So a girl in my office is engaged, she keeps telling everyone about her engagement....but the guy she is engaged to was married to someone else when they got together. He wasn't seperated or anything, totally married, she was the "other woman" and she knew he was married. I'm not blaming her for the affair, he was the married one but still. To top that off she is younger than his kids.

Anyhow, everytime I hear her tell the story, I can't help but be irritated and think that them getting married doesn't make the affair any less wrong.

I know it isn't any of my business, but I wanted to know if ya'll thought I was a horriable person for not being happy for her.....and for thinking of her as a homewrecker.

Flame away.

soon2Bkranz · January 2009

No way...adn if they have a work shower I would not participate...

SweetieP · January 2009

you are not a horrible person! If you are, I am too because I have no tolerance for home-wreckers.

ashleyhuney · January 2009

If you are so am I.

KellyMarierockstarwife · January 2009

I don't think you're horrible for thinking that way. but, as someone who has cheated in the past...(not in my marriage, but before) I can say i try not to judge others too harshly. It doesn't make it RIGHT, but I can understand. We don't know all of the circumstances of his first marriage or anything...

You're not terrible...but i certainly wouldn't bring it up to others!

KellyMarierockstarwife · January 2009

and by others i dont mean US...

I mean other co-worker or people in the office that she tells.

MamaDep · January 2009

I'm with you. ESPECIALLY if she knew she was in a cheating relationship...

however, I TOTaLLY believe that "you lose them how you get them" and "once a cheater, always a cheater".

Don't buy them a gift.

linnychanel · January 2009

I would find it difficult to not put my judgy pants on too.

titantsmama · January 2009

I don't know if I'd be able to hide my real feelings...I'd be right there with you and Julie. And when you say "tell the story" is the engagement story or the home wrecker story not that they are any different.

soon2Bkranz · January 2009

linnychanel:
I would find it difficult to not put my judgy pants on too.

Ha thats a funny line!

danandkelly · January 2009

titantsmama:
I don't know if I'd be able to hide my real feelings...I'd be right there with you and Julie. And when you say "tell the story" is the engagement story or the home wrecker story not that they are any different.

By tell the story, I mean the engagement story. Only a select few know about the cheating story....I'm one of the lucky ones.

LV2006 · January 2009

SweetieP:

you are not a horrible person! If you are, I am too because I have no tolerance for home-wreckers.

Ditto.

bunch · January 2009

I think its a normal reaction to have and I think that this is a much better place to share that reaction than at work!

danandkelly · January 2009

MamaDep:

Don't buy them a gift.

Oh there will be no gift giving...at least not from me.

Meritage · January 2009

I don't think you're a horrible person. It's a very normal response as a married woman, or as a woman in general! Before a similar thing happened at my old office, I'd have felt the exact same way.

At my old office, a married man met a girl at work. Married man got divorced. Married girl from work, and now they are very happy with 2 kids. They were roughly the same age though (which is how it differs from your situation). The other difference is that this married man is someone that I thought of as my mentor, and helped me immensely with my career. I never knew his first wife, but I do know his new wife and those two are seriously made for each other. I can't picture either one of them with anyone else.

So I guess I just try not to judge others. You never know what's going on in somebody else's life.

Smuches4u · January 2009

I think we have like minds.

I wouldn't rant around the office about it, but internally, I would stew.

tmp-351858625009089 · January 2009

KellyMarierockstarwife:

I don't think you're horrible for thinking that way. but, as someone who has cheated in the past...(not in my marriage, but before) I can say i try not to judge others too harshly. It doesn't make it RIGHT, but I can understand. We don't know all of the circumstances of his first marriage or anything...

You're not terrible...but i certainly wouldn't bring it up to others!

Welllll, I'd have to agree with Kelly's point - we don't know all the circumstances around the first marriage. Who knows what happened there. Not that it's ever OK, you just don't know. But, with that said, I don't think you're terrible at all.

My.ABC.Life · January 2009

I'd have a hard time being excited for her.

bunch · January 2009

I do want to add that while I'm not a fan of cheating at all- one of my friends cheated on her husband (divorced now) and she is still a good friend of mine. She can't date any of my other friends- but I established that rule LONG before the cheating happened- lol. I guess I just wanted to put it out there that I don't necessarily believe in the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' thing.

danandkelly · January 2009

danandkelly:
MamaDep:

Don't buy them a gift.

Oh there will be no gift giving...at least not from me.

oops...that sounded snarky....I doubt I'd be invited to the wedding anyhow.

tiki_t · January 2009

This post reminds me of a song on one of my Doris Day albums, "I'll never slip around again."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kxC-Uj-lo0

hersheykiss · January 2009

I would be right there with you as well. That situation puts a bad taste in my mouth. I would have a hard time being happy for them as well. On a side note, I was in a relationship for a bit and then he decided to become engaged to someone else and I became the "other woman." I ended it because I knew there was no way for me to win. I even left the state to get out of the situation.

But, to each their own...as long as they are happy. Who knows? Maybe they will be able to make it work, although in my experience if they cheat once, they will cheat again.

craftylady81 · January 2009

Just 'cause she's your coworker doesn't mean you have to agree with her personal life. I would feel the same way you do. . . even if they are "meant to be" . . . get out of your marriage before you move on. You're not horrible; you are a very reasonable woman who has respect for the bonds of marriage. It's amazing how some women could care less if a man is married or not before jumping into a relationship with 'em.

mrscerruti2be · January 2009

Just because she wasn't the one married, doesn't make her any less of a skank. Call me judgemental, but that's the way I see it. She didn't take the vow, but she obviously didn't respect someone elses. Karma's a ***!

Zeener · January 2009

I don't think you're a horrible person at all! Its beyond reasonable to think the way you do. You certainly understand what a marriage stands for. I don't agree with homewreckers.

On the subject of cheating, while I have never cheated or cheated on, I don't think that once a cheater, always a cheater is true. THere's always more to the story than people know. People do learn from their mistakes,...but I am certainly not saying that cheating is ok cause I don't agree with it.

SweetieP · January 2009

Zeener:

On the subject of cheating, while I have never cheated or cheated on, I don't think that once a cheater, always a cheater is true. THere's always more to the story than people know. People do learn from their mistakes,...but I am certainly not saying that cheating is ok cause I don't agree with it.

I agree.... I think that there are always a lot of different things that could be going on - and although I try not to judge, I do judge on a case-by-case basis.

Mrs.K&C · January 2009

soon2Bkranz:
No way...adn if they have a work shower I would not participate...

That would really depend on if there was cake or not for me.

Zeener · January 2009

SweetieP:
Zeener:

On the subject of cheating, while I have never cheated or cheated on, I don't think that once a cheater, always a cheater is true. THere's always more to the story than people know. People do learn from their mistakes,...but I am certainly not saying that cheating is ok cause I don't agree with it.

I agree.... I think that there are always a lot of different things that could be going on - and although I try not to judge, I do judge on a case-by-case basis.

Right there with ya.

SeasonalCook · January 2009

Of course I don't think you're horrible for that! The "other woman" thing is hard to take. We have a friend who got involved with a married man with two small kids and he got divorced and married our friend. We ran into them this summer and DH and I were both really uncomfortable.

As for your colleague being younger than his children....ewwwwwww. His poor kids!!

danandkelly · January 2009

Zeener:
SweetieP:
Zeener:

On the subject of cheating, while I have never cheated or cheated on, I don't think that once a cheater, always a cheater is true. THere's always more to the story than people know. People do learn from their mistakes,...but I am certainly not saying that cheating is ok cause I don't agree with it.

I agree.... I think that there are always a lot of different things that could be going on - and although I try not to judge, I do judge on a case-by-case basis.

Right there with ya.

I agree, I don't *always* believe in "once a cheater always a cheater" but I have know a lot of repeat offenders. I think a lot depends on the circumstance, so I guess it's a case by case thing.

danandkelly · January 2009

SeasonalCook:

As for your colleague being younger than his children....ewwwwwww. His poor kids!!

Umm...yeah, and he's not even hot or rich Wink

we-love-to-try · January 2009

Mrs.K&C:

soon2Bkranz:
No way...adn if they have a work shower I would not participate...

That would really depend on if there was cake or not for me.

OMG! I spit my water out!

I don't think you're a horrible person. You know more than others and although she's excited and continues to tell people over and over I can understand you being disgruntled about the situation.

MamaDep · January 2009

danandkelly:
Zeener:
SweetieP:
Zeener:

On the subject of cheating, while I have never cheated or cheated on, I don't think that once a cheater, always a cheater is true. THere's always more to the story than people know. People do learn from their mistakes,...but I am certainly not saying that cheating is ok cause I don't agree with it.

I agree.... I think that there are always a lot of different things that could be going on - and although I try not to judge, I do judge on a case-by-case basis.

Right there with ya.

I agree, I don't *always* believe in "once a cheater always a cheater" but I have know a lot of repeat offenders. I think a lot depends on the circumstance, so I guess it's a case by case thing.

She asked our opinions. In my opinion, and in my experience, it's not a one time thing. I have been deeply affected by cheating. I will never condone it, no matter how happy it makes SOME of the parties involved. There are always more people hurt by the cheating than are happy by it.

Perhaps I shouldn't have posted in this post at all because my feelings are SO strong about this. Just today, we found out a family member has been cheating on his BEAUTIFUL and very cool/fun/amazing wife for the past 6 years. I know WAY more serial cheaters than I do reformed ones.

danandkelly · January 2009

MamaDep:
danandkelly:
Zeener:
SweetieP:
Zeener:

On the subject of cheating, while I have never cheated or cheated on, I don't think that once a cheater, always a cheater is true. THere's always more to the story than people know. People do learn from their mistakes,...but I am certainly not saying that cheating is ok cause I don't agree with it.

I agree.... I think that there are always a lot of different things that could be going on - and although I try not to judge, I do judge on a case-by-case basis.

Right there with ya.

I agree, I don't *always* believe in "once a cheater always a cheater" but I have know a lot of repeat offenders. I think a lot depends on the circumstance, so I guess it's a case by case thing.

She asked our opinions. In my opinion, and in my experience, it's not a one time thing. I have been deeply affected by cheating. I will never condone it, no matter how happy it makes SOME of the parties involved. There are always more people hurt by the cheating than are happy by it.

Perhaps I shouldn't have posted in this post at all because my feelings are SO strong about this. Just today, we found out a family member has been cheating on his BEAUTIFUL and very cool/fun/amazing wife for the past 6 years. I know WAY more serial cheaters than I do reformed ones.

I have to agree with you here, I know more serial cheaters than reformed cheaters too.

eastbaygirl · January 2009

SweetieP:

you are not a horrible person! If you are, I am too because I have no tolerance for home-wreckers.

Ditto! And I hate being in the situation where everyone just ignores the elephant in the room and pretends the whole relationship was on the up-and-up.

Zeener · January 2009

danandkelly:
MamaDep:
danandkelly:
Zeener:
SweetieP:
Zeener:

On the subject of cheating, while I have never cheated or cheated on, I don't think that once a cheater, always a cheater is true. THere's always more to the story than people know. People do learn from their mistakes,...but I am certainly not saying that cheating is ok cause I don't agree with it.

I agree.... I think that there are always a lot of different things that could be going on - and although I try not to judge, I do judge on a case-by-case basis.

Right there with ya.

I agree, I don't *always* believe in "once a cheater always a cheater" but I have know a lot of repeat offenders. I think a lot depends on the circumstance, so I guess it's a case by case thing.

She asked our opinions. In my opinion, and in my experience, it's not a one time thing. I have been deeply affected by cheating. I will never condone it, no matter how happy it makes SOME of the parties involved. There are always more people hurt by the cheating than are happy by it.

Perhaps I shouldn't have posted in this post at all because my feelings are SO strong about this. Just today, we found out a family member has been cheating on his BEAUTIFUL and very cool/fun/amazing wife for the past 6 years. I know WAY more serial cheaters than I do reformed ones.

I have to agree with you here, I know more serial cheaters than reformed cheaters too.

So sad, especially when it hits so close to home. THere are far more serial cheaters out there than reformed ones. Sad that the reformed ones are such a minority, but they're still out there...I certainly don't think that it means that you trust them as easily as you did before. There will be that red flag up, ya know?

KellyMarierockstarwife · January 2009

danandkelly:
MamaDep:
danandkelly:
Zeener:
SweetieP:
Zeener:

On the subject of cheating, while I have never cheated or cheated on, I don't think that once a cheater, always a cheater is true. THere's always more to the story than people know. People do learn from their mistakes,...but I am certainly not saying that cheating is ok cause I don't agree with it.
? I agree.... I think that there are always a lot of different things that could be going on - and although I try not to judge, I do judge on a case-by-case basis.
?
Right there with ya.
I agree, I don't *always* believe in "once a cheater always a cheater" but I have know a lot of repeat offenders.? I think a lot depends on the circumstance, so I guess it's a case by case thing.
She asked our opinions.? In my opinion, and in my experience, it's not a one time thing. I have been deeply affected by cheating. I will never condone it, no matter how happy it makes SOME of the parties involved. There are always more people hurt by the cheating than are happy by it.?
Perhaps I shouldn't have posted in this post at all because my feelings are SO strong about this.? Just today, we found out a family member has been cheating on his BEAUTIFUL and very cool/fun/amazing wife for the past 6 years. I know WAY more serial cheaters than I do reformed ones.
I have to agree with you here, I know more serial cheaters than reformed cheaters too.?

we do exist, even if it is few and far between.

not that i could ever condone my own infidelity, but, we were not married and no children were involved. my line of consequence and what ifs weren't as damaging.

and it had everything to do with my terrible self esteem.

i did a horrible thing, but im not a horrible person...which is something i try to remember when i become jugemental of others.

katie, im sorry about your friend.

that is aweful.

Jamers125 · January 2009

Kelly, you are not horrible! It would be hard to be happy for someone who's relationship came from such a shady background.

MrsK&C, you crack me up!

I'm also digging the "judgy pants" line! I think we all put on our judgy pants from time to time whether we want to or not.

WannaBAMamma · January 2009

I think she is a homewrecker!!

I agree with you.

I feel the same way about Angelina Jolie!

Want a personalized experience?

Be honest....Am I a horriable person...flameworthy

Re: Be honest....Am I a horriable person...flameworthy

Choose Another Board

Search Boards