Out of Town Family

GirlOnTheBeach · April 2015

I could really use some advice. My MIL lives a plane ride away and is very sweet but already refers to our baby as her baby. She is ready to completely take over him once he's here because she thinks of him as a miniature version of my husband.

She wants to be here for the birth and first couple weeks with baby, but DH and I want her to wait until two weeks after the birth to come. We haven't told her this yet. Once she comes, I know she's going to want to have him in her arms all the time. Plus, she will be staying at our house. I will only have 3-4 weeks off work after birth so I want as much of that time to bond with him and enjoy him as I can. I feel guilty, like maybe this is selfish of me but I don't want to have to worry about being allowed to hold my own child.

My parents live close by but respect our space. I don't want to be unfair by limiting MIL's access to the baby when I know my family will see him more. She really is a nice person, but she gets a little crazy about the thought of this baby. Does anyone have any suggestions about how to set some reasonable boundaries in a kind way? Also, how long is reasonable for her to stay? Would it be wrong to ask her to stay at my parent's house and they can all just come over throughout the day? Do I just suck it up and let her come and take over for however long she wants to be here since it's just a visit?

Saratiff · April 2015

Um how come you only get 3-4 weeks after birth? Giving birth is considered a disability you should get 6 weeks for vaginal and 8 weeks for a c section

aveline8 · April 2015

Only 3-4 weeks off! That is crazy! And if I were in your shoes no way would I let MIL stay with us, because exactly as you said, you shouldn't have to worry about being "allowed" to hold your own baby. I experienced that with my first and regret not standing my ground more. Baby's parents are the most important people for him/her to bond with those first few weeks, grandparents will have lots of time later to bond.

visualcircus · April 2015

If I were in your shoes of having to go back to work so soon, I'd ask her to come help out after you go back to work and for the transition. It'd be nice knowing that the newborn is in the care of family. Just throwing out ideas to make the most of the situation.

SantistevanMommie · April 2015

Just talk to her about it and remind her who's baby it is. I think you would be fine with telling her to wait 2 wks after baby comes. She might be upset about all of it at first but she will get over it.

HaleyFaye · April 2015

Wow, that's all so crazy. I definitely think you have every reason and justification to stand your ground and set boundaries like that. As a new mom, you have more than enough reason to ask her to stay at your parents and they can drive over, or ask her to come help when you go back to work. I'm definitely limiting how soon after the baby we can have overnight guests. Talk to your husband so you two are on your same page, and then know that you can and should stand firm on your own boundaries and what you feel you need. You definitely deserve to be selfish with every moment of your maternity leave as you want.

GirlOnTheBeach · April 2015

Saratiff said:
Um how come you only get 3-4 weeks after birth? Giving birth is considered a disability you should get 6 weeks for vaginal and 8 weeks for a c section

I only get 3-4 weeks off because it's all we can afford. We had saved up money to cover my maternity leave but our insurance company isn't covering a lot of the prenatal care I need to have since I'm under "high risk" status. It only covers things that are considered standard maternity care, and my biweekly ultrasounds are mostly out of pocket :-/ So my maternity leave will be very short. I'm a nanny so my job doesn't qualify for FMLA and we earn too much for any kind of assistance. It's going to be really tight for those 3-4 weeks as it is :-/ at least my job will only be part time when I go back!

GirlOnTheBeach · April 2015

visualcircus said:
If I were in your shoes of having to go back to work so soon, I'd ask her to come help out after you go back to work and for the transition. It'd be nice knowing that the newborn is in the care of family. Just throwing out ideas to make the most of the situation.

This is actually not a bad idea! She can be all over him for the few hours I'm gone and maybe get it out of her system.

Seed0824 · April 2015

I'm in a similar situation. I think it's fair to ask her to stay with your parents. You need that bonding time.

camedowncrushing · April 2015

This is my third baby, and I know this varies greatly depending on the person but there is no way I would want my mom or mil or anyone staying with me right after I birthed. My first I was in rough shape after, and I was exhausted...and having visitors at all made me want to scream. I hated handing my baby over when someone asked to hold her. My mom has offered to stay with us after we have this baby so she can help take care of my two daughters, but I said no...I know I would not be a nice person to be around.

Saratiff · April 2015

GirlOnTheBeach said:

Saratiff said:
Um how come you only get 3-4 weeks after birth? Giving birth is considered a disability you should get 6 weeks for vaginal and 8 weeks for a c section
I only get 3-4 weeks off because it's all we can afford. We had saved up money to cover my maternity leave but our insurance company isn't covering a lot of the prenatal care I need to have since I'm under "high risk" status. It only covers things that are considered standard maternity care, and my biweekly ultrasounds are mostly out of pocket :-/ So my maternity leave will be very short. I'm a nanny so my job doesn't qualify for FMLA and we earn too much for any kind of assistance. It's going to be really tight for those 3-4 weeks as it is :-/ at least my job will only be part time when I go back!

Im really sorry that's a tough situation. In this case I hope you have an uncomplicated delivery so your physically be able to go back to work. I was going to stay as PP mentioned that having grandmother come when you get sounds like a great idea. Then you have bonding time and she can get the snuggles in when your working.

lifesabeach85 · April 2015

Where is your husband in all of this? As it's his mother he should really take front and center in setting boundaries, or at least making very clear that any requests about coming a few weeks later or staying elsewhere are coming from both of you.

It will probably be better for your long term relationship to tell her your plans calmly now than risk a major blow up when she annoys you in your precious time with baby and you're tired and still recovering...

GirlOnTheBeach · April 2015

Saratiff said:

GirlOnTheBeach said:

Saratiff said:
Um how come you only get 3-4 weeks after birth? Giving birth is considered a disability you should get 6 weeks for vaginal and 8 weeks for a c section
I only get 3-4 weeks off because it's all we can afford. We had saved up money to cover my maternity leave but our insurance company isn't covering a lot of the prenatal care I need to have since I'm under "high risk" status. It only covers things that are considered standard maternity care, and my biweekly ultrasounds are mostly out of pocket :-/ So my maternity leave will be very short. I'm a nanny so my job doesn't qualify for FMLA and we earn too much for any kind of assistance. It's going to be really tight for those 3-4 weeks as it is :-/ at least my job will only be part time when I go back!
Im really sorry that's a tough situation. In this case I hope you have an uncomplicated delivery so your physically be able to go back to work. I was going to stay as PP mentioned that having grandmother come when you get sounds like a great idea. Then you have bonding time and she can get the snuggles in when your working.

It's definitely not the ideal situation and we are hoping that somehow things will change and allow me more time off, but theres no guarantee.

I'm liking the idea of having her come when I go back to work though! That would give her some time with him and it wouldn't be intruding on my time with him.

GirlOnTheBeach · April 2015

lbeach5885 said:
Where is your husband in all of this? As it's his mother he should really take front and center in setting boundaries, or at least making very clear that any requests about coming a few weeks later or staying elsewhere are coming from both of you.

It will probably be better for your long term relationship to tell her your plans calmly now than risk a major blow up when she annoys you in your precious time with baby and you're tired and still recovering...

I know DH will support whatever I need him to do, but he will be working all day while I'm home with her. Also, communication has always been tough in his family, so I think it would help for us to have a plan for how he can express things to her too. I totally agree that we need to sort this out sooner rather than later. You're right, I'm not going to want to deal with it all while I'm still recovering.

PixelPosy · April 2015

When I was reading your post my first thought was just have MIL come a couple days before you return back to work too. I bet she would be thrilled to help you out in that way. My mom watched DD the first week I returned and it helped me transition into our new routine, without having to drop baby off at daycare quite yet.

jemholo · April 2015

visualcircus said:
If I were in your shoes of having to go back to work so soon, I'd ask her to come help out after you go back to work and for the transition. It'd be nice knowing that the newborn is in the care of family. Just throwing out ideas to make the most of the situation.

This 100%. Plus it gives you a reason to ask her to come later - "we know you'd like to come right away, but it really would help us the most if you can wait and come after I go back to work because we're really going to need the help then." Then she gets him while you're at work, and you can mitigate the other issues you're concerned about.

3-4 weeks seems so short, though! I understand that you probably need to get back to work and it's probably a budgeting issue, but if there's anything you can do to take a bit longer I would consider it. Even a short term loan might be an option.

suzienickles10 · April 2015

Saratiff said:
Um how come you only get 3-4 weeks after birth? Giving birth is considered a disability you should get 6 weeks for vaginal and 8 weeks for a c section

I work for a great company with awesome benefits and they even only allow 6 weeks paid time off whether or not it's a c-section

GirlOnTheBeach · April 2015

jemholo said:

visualcircus said:
If I were in your shoes of having to go back to work so soon, I'd ask her to come help out after you go back to work and for the transition. It'd be nice knowing that the newborn is in the care of family. Just throwing out ideas to make the most of the situation.
This 100%. Plus it gives you a reason to ask her to come later - "we know you'd like to come right away, but it really would help us the most if you can wait and come after I go back to work because we're really going to need the help then." Then she gets him while you're at work, and you can mitigate the other issues you're concerned about.

3-4 weeks seems so short, though! I understand that you probably need to get back to work and it's probably a budgeting issue, but if there's anything you can do to take a bit longer I would consider it. Even a short term loan might be an option.

We are trying to redo our mortgage (home values have gone up quite a bit and we bought our house at an amazing deal). If we can get all of it together and get the cash in time, there's a chance I'll be able to have more time at home as well as be able to do some repairs around the house. If it doesn't work out though, then I'll be stuck with a very short maternity leave :-( So here's to hoping for it to work out!

Miz_Liz · April 2015

Have you checked with your insurance to see if they are supposed to be covering more than they are? Sometimes if a Dr's office codes something wrong, it gets kicked back and shows that you owe it, not them, but those are easy fixes if that is the case. I think it is worth a call to them just to make sure you aren't paying for things that you shouldn't have to. As for your MIL, I think she is related to mine. My MIL made me INSANE with our first call him "her baby" and same as you, thinking he was her son all over again. She still doesn't always understand she is the grandmother and not the mother, but we have learned ways to combat it some and we just stand our ground with things that really matter to us. I think it is completely understandable for you to ask her to wait to come visit or at a minimum have DH tell her that she can't stay that long, maybe just 2 days? Or stay at a hotel. The first few weeks are so hard adjusting to everything, trying to BF if you are going that route...healing, etc.

babyyyy3 · April 2015

We just had this discussion with his parents and let me not pretend it wasn't the hardest thing to do because they have nothing but the best intentions. I as a brand new mom having only six weeks off want every single minute with my son that I can get and I had a hard time explaining why I wanted it. Once I explained to her that this was my first chance to be around my first baby she kind of got quiet and I explained how important to me it was for my son to know who mom and dad are and our heart beats not our families heart beats. My mom lives out of state and would like to be here for the first few weeks it was even hard to ask her to come after two weeks so I could get to know my son. The entire conversation I felt like the worst person begging for alone time with my first. Nothing easy about the conversation but for sure try and remind her what it was like the first day she brought her first baby home. Some smiling and some tears, I really hope all the best for this extremely hard topic with you.

GirlOnTheBeach · April 2015

Miz_Liz said:
Have you checked with your insurance to see if they are supposed to be covering more than they are? Sometimes if a Dr's office codes something wrong, it gets kicked back and shows that you owe it, not them, but those are easy fixes if that is the case. I think it is worth a call to them just to make sure you aren't paying for things that you shouldn't have to. As for your MIL, I think she is related to mine. My MIL made me INSANE with our first call him "her baby" and same as you, thinking he was her son all over again. She still doesn't always understand she is the grandmother and not the mother, but we have learned ways to combat it some and we just stand our ground with things that really matter to us. I think it is completely understandable for you to ask her to wait to come visit or at a minimum have DH tell her that she can't stay that long, maybe just 2 days? Or stay at a hotel. The first few weeks are so hard adjusting to everything, trying to BF if you are going that route...healing, etc.

Yes! She totally looks at this baby as a chance to relive all her days with DH when he was little ;-)

I tried calling the insurance company and looking at our plan and it turns out that we are just stuck paying what we're paying :-( neither of us have insurance through work so it was the best one we could find that we could afford. We added a maternity rider to it but still have to pay for all ultrasounds that aren't standard maternity care. Totally stinks because we actually pay a lot every month just to have this insurance (it's more than our mortgage)!

GirlOnTheBeach · April 2015

Miz_Liz said:
Have you checked with your insurance to see if they are supposed to be covering more than they are? Sometimes if a Dr's office codes something wrong, it gets kicked back and shows that you owe it, not them, but those are easy fixes if that is the case. I think it is worth a call to them just to make sure you aren't paying for things that you shouldn't have to. As for your MIL, I think she is related to mine. My MIL made me INSANE with our first call him "her baby" and same as you, thinking he was her son all over again. She still doesn't always understand she is the grandmother and not the mother, but we have learned ways to combat it some and we just stand our ground with things that really matter to us. I think it is completely understandable for you to ask her to wait to come visit or at a minimum have DH tell her that she can't stay that long, maybe just 2 days? Or stay at a hotel. The first few weeks are so hard adjusting to everything, trying to BF if you are going that route...healing, etc.

Yes! She totally looks at this baby as a chance to relive all her days with DH when he was little ;-)

I tried calling the insurance company and looking at our plan and it turns out that we are just stuck paying what we're paying :-( neither of us have insurance through work so it was the best one we could find that we could afford. We added a maternity rider to it but still have to pay for all ultrasounds that aren't standard maternity care. Totally stinks because we actually pay a lot every month just to have this insurance (it's more than our mortgage)!

Miz_Liz · April 2015

GirlOnTheBeach said:

Miz_Liz said:
Have you checked with your insurance to see if they are supposed to be covering more than they are? Sometimes if a Dr's office codes something wrong, it gets kicked back and shows that you owe it, not them, but those are easy fixes if that is the case. I think it is worth a call to them just to make sure you aren't paying for things that you shouldn't have to. As for your MIL, I think she is related to mine. My MIL made me INSANE with our first call him "her baby" and same as you, thinking he was her son all over again. She still doesn't always understand she is the grandmother and not the mother, but we have learned ways to combat it some and we just stand our ground with things that really matter to us. I think it is completely understandable for you to ask her to wait to come visit or at a minimum have DH tell her that she can't stay that long, maybe just 2 days? Or stay at a hotel. The first few weeks are so hard adjusting to everything, trying to BF if you are going that route...healing, etc.
Yes! She totally looks at this baby as a chance to relive all her days with DH when he was little ;-)

I tried calling the insurance company and looking at our plan and it turns out that we are just stuck paying what we're paying :-( neither of us have insurance through work so it was the best one we could find that we could afford. We added a maternity rider to it but still have to pay for all ultrasounds that aren't standard maternity care. Totally stinks because we actually pay a lot every month just to have this insurance (it's more than our mortgage)!

Bummer on the insurance! Have you talked to your OB's office to see if they have a cash discount? Very often if you are paying out of pocket instead of through insurance they give you a lower price. That and I would mention it to my OB in case she doesnt NEED to do as many scans - she may assume your insurance is covering it, so she is doing the max number. Sorry to hear you are having to pay so much!!

Miz_Liz · April 2015

Edited to delete my duplicate post because clearly the Bump is malfunctioning which caused both your post and mine to duplicate! UGH

GirlOnTheBeach · April 2015

babyyyy3 said:
We just had this discussion with his parents and let me not pretend it wasn't the hardest thing to do because they have nothing but the best intentions. I as a brand new mom having only six weeks off want every single minute with my son that I can get and I had a hard time explaining why I wanted it. Once I explained to her that this was my first chance to be around my first baby she kind of got quiet and I explained how important to me it was for my son to know who mom and dad are and our heart beats not our families heart beats. My mom lives out of state and would like to be here for the first few weeks it was even hard to ask her to come after two weeks so I could get to know my son. The entire conversation I felt like the worst person begging for alone time with my first. Nothing easy about the conversation but for sure try and remind her what it was like the first day she brought her first baby home. Some smiling and some tears, I really hope all the best for this extremely hard topic with you.

Thank you so much for sharing this! I really want to be delicate and sympathetic to her feelings about this just like you! I love her and appreciate how much she already loves our son and don't want to hurt her feelings but at the same time, I've lost my previous two pregnancies and really want to be able to finally have a baby that makes it into my arms and be able to just enjoy being a little family for a while without having to try to entertain someone else or have to pry the baby away from someone just to be able to bond.

GirlOnTheBeach · April 2015

babyyyy3 said:
We just had this discussion with his parents and let me not pretend it wasn't the hardest thing to do because they have nothing but the best intentions. I as a brand new mom having only six weeks off want every single minute with my son that I can get and I had a hard time explaining why I wanted it. Once I explained to her that this was my first chance to be around my first baby she kind of got quiet and I explained how important to me it was for my son to know who mom and dad are and our heart beats not our families heart beats. My mom lives out of state and would like to be here for the first few weeks it was even hard to ask her to come after two weeks so I could get to know my son. The entire conversation I felt like the worst person begging for alone time with my first. Nothing easy about the conversation but for sure try and remind her what it was like the first day she brought her first baby home. Some smiling and some tears, I really hope all the best for this extremely hard topic with you.

Thank you so much for sharing this! I really want to be delicate and sympathetic to her feelings about this just like you! I love her and appreciate how much she already loves our son and don't want to hurt her feelings but at the same time, I've lost my previous two pregnancies and really want to be able to finally have a baby that makes it into my arms and be able to just enjoy being a little family for a while without having to try to entertain someone else or have to pry the baby away from someone just to be able to bond.

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