How open are you about treatment

manausmom · April 2015

i was wondering how open you guys are about your infertility problems and treatments. My DH is really private about it all, and he doesn't want to share it with anybody. His family never knew we had a hard time getting pregnant the first time or that we had to do IVF.
This time my husband says he doesn't really want my family to know. That is really hard for us, since our RE is in my hometown and we usually stay at my fathers house. He is even telling me that this time he wants to stay at a hotel.
I asked him why he is being so private and he says, that it is nobody's business to know how we "make" our children, since people without problems don't go out telling everybody about the sex they had.
I kinda ubderstand him but I would like to have the support of my family going throught it all over again.

Frenchteachermama · April 2015

We're only open with our parents and close friends. It's more because I don't want to have to "untell" everyone if things don't work out. I need the people closest to me to know so I can have support. DH is wonderful but I need my mother and my close girlfriends!!!

Davie813 · April 2015

I've talked about it with my family and a couple of friends. We haven't told DH's family, though. Our relationship with them is a bit more formal, and we suspect they have religious issues with assisted reproduction. It's tricky--the more support, the better, but as @Frenchteachermama says, the conversation when/if things don't work out is one I really don't like to have.

I hope you and YH can come up with a compromise you can both live with!

efhoping2010 · April 2015

We were open with just our parents and a friend or two the first time, especially since DH's dx condition was caused by a health issue that is genetic so his family had to be told.

The other times, we have not told anyone.

My DH is very very very private like yours and does not want anyone knowing and that can be lonely and isolating, he barely even speaks about it with me.

CTinNV · April 2015

I understand this problem well. The problem my DH and I have is that his mother will not keep her mouth shut. Our first two miscarriages were very public. With the first one, my DH and his parents told EVERYONE we were pregnant although I told them not to and it was too early to share. Well, we saw how that ended. For the second pregnancy/miscarriage, my DH told his parents even though we agreed not to tell them (or my parents either) until we were sure everything was OK. His mom ended up telling her whole family and other people, even though I specifically told her not to AGAIN.

When we had the second loss so close in time with so many people knowing we became the couple with "problems". His family started to reach out and express their "pity" and "sadness" in our "issues" and I was just plain angry. There is no shame at all with IF or with miscarriages, but sometimes you don't want this broadcast among a ton of people who now become involved with a private matter that is none of their business. Also, a lot of people say very odd/wrong things. One of his aunts remarked that now I could "drink again" so wasn't that nice? I wanted to take her face off.

Flash forward to now. DH and I have a few close friends who know we are going through treatment but that's it. Although my parents have always honored our request for discretion, they get cut out by default because we are not telling his parents. DH concedes that his mother will not keep it private, and I am likely to really blow up at her if it happens again.

Sooo...the shorter version of the answer is that we have a few close friends who know and support us. Mostly people who have dealt with IF but a couple friends who have not. We told them because we (mainly me) needs support but we know they will respect our request to not share this with others. Too many people knowing is stressful for me.

Reagan1010 · April 2015

Both sides of our family know and a few close friends. DH is way more open about it than I am. We didn't share with anyone until right before we started our IVF cycle. For some reason I thought we would get pregnant during an IUI and when that didn't happen, I figured I could use all the support I could get. I'm glad they all knew because when my IVF cycle ended in a BFN, it was comforting knowing that everyone was thinking of us and sad with us.

By sharing and being open, I also discovered that my brother and SIL are struggling with infertility also. We have become extremely close through this. They are choosing a different path and are currently going through the adoption process instead of treatments, but it's nice to have someone I can confide in who gets it!

lilmac2929 · April 2015

I am crazy open. Just how I am. I know there is a decent chance it won't work out but i don't have a problem with that. I actually think people get nervous of me in my openness and don't know how to react. People at my work know because i need coverage for things. I know the vast majority of people dont feel comfy being so open (or even having me be so open) but I think it is just part of my journey andI don't mind bringing awareness to the fact that there are so many of us out there.

annibes · April 2015

I'm open with anyone who asks. My work friends know the most, because they ask the most. My sister knows, and my brother to an extent. My dad and grandma know we're having trouble, but not about treatment. DH doesn't share anything with his family. I did talk to MIL about it once, but she seemed uncomfortable so I didn't open up any more than to say we were disappointed that we might not have any more.

Kelley421 · April 2015

DH and I have told our family about MCs- we never announced pregnancy, just quietly let our families know our loss and receive comfort.
My main reason for not telling anyone when my treatment months are is so that I can keep the + a secret if it happens, and so I don't have people asking if it worked when I'm feeling devastated that it did not (or one day, trying to hide that it did). My first go round my sister did know, but she is so forgetful she never thought to ask the result. Next go it was only us and that's the way I like it.
I suppose if I needed someone to help out with DD, I would tell my mom and she would keep her.

manausmom · April 2015

I am so glad u found this board!
It's good to know that not everybody feels confortable sharing.
We have friends that have difficulties and they are super open about it, I was feeling like the odd one out!

ellebelle2384 · April 2015

I'm pretty open about it. All our family and close friends know about our losses and that we will be doing IVF this year. I've also publicly shared on FB about our losses. It's been important to me in the healing process to be open about it, but that definitely doesn't work for everyone. I don't think you are the odd one out by being private about it, just doing what works best for your family.

1983Lindsey2 · April 2015

With #1 we only told close friends and family that we were doing fertility treatments. I told some other employees and people like that after he was born. We are kind of doing the same with #2. I am pretty open about it in person if it comes up about us trying again, but I am not going to post about it on facebook or anything like that.

PageNJewelz · April 2015

We are very private about our infertiliy. I don't know anyone having problems ttc. A few of Dh's co-workers know because he needs certiain days off. Plus we use his insurance to cover our procedures.

Flamingemu · April 2015

I don't announce anything to anyone, but if they ask, I am honest. Only a couple family members on either side are aware of what is going on. Most of them not to the full extent. Hell, DH & I don't even talk about it much since it is currently all on my body to get with the program.

I am a pretty closed off person, so discussing all of this is foreign to me. I started posting on this board because I needed to find someone that understood me. To constantly feel like a failure because your body isn't doing what it is supposed to - rationally knowing that is not true. Being happy for friends and family that are able to conceive easily and being heartbroken at the same time. In the back of your mind blaming your child for breaking you, because what could the other explanation be? And again, rationally, knowing that is silly...

No one in my family really gets that. I come from a huge, fertile Irish family. I had little issues conceiving L. They just don't understand why I can't do it again.

AprilDrew04 · April 2015

I have always been a pretty open person. So I am pretty open with anyone who asks about what our situation is, but try not to over share.

Because of being open I have learned of several others who have had infertility. A cousin, friends of my siblings, my best friend, and even my sister.

NB817 · April 2015

I am very open about it but only MY role in it. I do not share with people about DH's Azzospermia because he would pretty much hate me if I did. Only a handful of his family even know he had cancer 20 years ago because that's how private he is and therefor only that handful of HIS family members can know the whole truth about what we are dealing with. Well and my BFF knows but he doesn't know that. I've told my mom all of it too and he knows that, but mostly people think that it's just a problem with me.

Like @Aprildrew04 I've learned about a lot of IRL friends that have gone through it or are going through it and have gotten so much support and comfort from them. I hope your DH realizes that it's not that you are broadcasting how you're making your children it's that you are seeking support for it because it's hard.

xraymommy2007 · April 2015

I am very open, and a lot of it has to do w my feeling that infertility shouldn't be taboo. Now I don't go telling strangers on the street but if someone asks I about when we are going to have another I answer honestly. But all of the problems are w me, I can understand being more discreet if it were an issue w DH

zoricurd · April 2015

My husband and I are having problems conceiving too! I have been so open about sharing our struggles, but he has wanted to shove everything under the rug. I wrote a blog about our infertility problems, and made him read it. In the blog I explained the point of me writing wasn't to share my life story, but instead to hopefully help someone else get through the same problems. From that moment on, he understood why I wanted to share our story. There are SO many couples struggling with fertility, and I love knowing that we aren't the only ones!

That being said, I have told my side but he has yet to tell his...and I'm okay with that:). I HAD to tell my mom and sister. When I told my mom she said "when I had you it took me over a year, but with all my other kids it only took a couple months." So I was so glad that I shared!

Sending love and prayers to everyone that has to go through this! It truly is such a sad thing, and I wouldn't wish it on my enemy.

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