Blended family - Last name help please!

sailaplay · March 2015

I have a blended family. My son has one last name (his father's) and I have added my maiden name as a middle name. I go by my maiden name.
My partner (we're not married but are common law) has 2 children who both have his name. So there are 3 family members with his last name, one with mine and one with my ex's.
We're struggling with what to give our baby as a last name. My partner says he's ok as long as his name is in there somewhere. I'm not a fan of hyphenation and his last name is long. I think that my preference would be his last name as a middle name and my maiden name as the last. I'm worried that if we give the baby his last name that will make my son feel very left out.
FYI - I don't ever plan on taking his last name, even if we get married some day.
Any opinions or advice appreciated!

4N6s · March 2015

I'm traditional and would give him the fathers last name.

[Deleted User] · March 2015

I'm doing hyphenated so that my child will be ultimately able to choose. The whole idea that children need to have the man's name is just old fashioned sexism, IMO.

sailaplay · March 2015

I agree that the mans name isn't an automatic go to. It's the split within the family I'm trying to balance. I want the baby to feel that she's part of the whole family and not alienate any of the existing children. My 11 year old asked if the new baby would have his fathers name (my ex) so he wouldn't be the only one with that name. (Obviously not an option, which he gets now)
Really I'm hoping someone might have a creative solution to make everyone happy that I haven't thought of yet!

Frogger5 · March 2015

sailaplay said:
I agree that the mans name isn't an automatic go to. It's the split within the family I'm trying to balance. I want the baby to feel that she's part of the whole family and not alienate any of the existing children. My 11 year old asked if the new baby would have his fathers name (my ex) so he wouldn't be the only one with that name. (Obviously not an option, which he gets now)
Really I'm hoping someone might have a creative solution to make everyone happy that I haven't thought of yet!

You could ask your son if he wants to change to your name, give the baby yours, and then it would be even! Is that weird? Just switch his middle and last names essentially? I don't think kids' names should necessarily be the man's name but I admit I can see why changing your son's name now might not go over well with your ex/his family if they are still involved in his life. It is a possible solution, though!

HeavenBlessedMom · March 2015

Until married, I would give your name.

Maladroit · March 2015

I'm not a traditionalist, so I don't think the new baby has to have dad's ln. I like PP's idea to switch your son's mn and ln around and give new baby your ln. Seems MUCH less confusing to the world and makes kids feel a little more inclusive in the family, I would think. I HATED being the only one with a different last name until my adoption went through...I was always getting questions about why I was different.

Monilee1017 · March 2015

I think now a days it doesn't really matter what name you pick. I know families with some fathers last name and some mother last name because of divorce and now they are on their 2nd or 3rd marriage with blended families. I known some people who have hyphenated last names, and some kids whose parents each kept their own last name when they got married and gave their child a different last name that is a combo of both, parents are chapman and goldberg and child is Goldman (this is an example not their name). I think with as many divorces, multiple marriages, women not taking husbands name and none married people having families now a days it is not the issue it was when we were growing up. I think people worry because it was an issue when we were children, but our children will be growing up in a different world then we did. The only thing I have to say is if this man is going to be around and helping take care of this child I feel he has a say in what name his child has, im not saying it has to be his but I feel he has and equal say.

marceedee · March 2015

I like the idea of using the hyphenated name. Friends of mine did this with their son and he really only used the last last name, so that addresses the lengthy complicated concern. Also, as a pp mentioned, this might give the child a choice later in life.