Religious Differences With SO. How to deal?

babymazzei · March 2015

I really don't want this to turn into a huge debate on religion. I understand that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs/opinions but pleaseee no attacking others!

My boyfriend was raised in a very Catholic/religious home. He himself, rarely attends church anymore but is very strict about it when his other family members are around. Every now and then he wants us to say grace before we eat, but its always very unexpected when he does. It bothers me how he claims to be so Catholic, but doesn't actually follow through. Its only now, that we're having a baby that he seems to really care.

I myself, was raised Catholic but not in a strict environment. We stopped attending church once my brother's hockey schedule got in the way and never returned. I'm by no means against any other beliefs but I personally, just don't believe in organized religion. I don't look down on his beliefs but I don't want to participate in them or force my children to either. I'm comfortable with exposing them to different views and ideas of religion but I don't want it to be a huge focus in our family. My boyfriend is really sensitive on the subject and we're both equally stubborn. Any ideas on how to come to a resolution? Or are any of you going through the same thing?

Again, these are my own beliefs and I respect everyone elses, regardless of how they differ from mine.

satori15 · March 2015

DH and I had a similar problem before we got married. I was very anti-religion due to some bad experiences and DH was very involved in his church. He made the point that while I wasn't technically Christian I very much follow Christian ethics and I tried going to church with him. After meeting with the pastor and praying I decided to join the Lutheran church. I want my children raised in the church because of the values it will teach them but ultimately I expect them to make their own choices about religion. I guess what I'm saying is think about what is really important to you and to him. There might be a middle ground. Maybe a non-demonational church or a less strict denomination. You know that your child will have a mind of it's own and be able to decide what's right for them when the time comes.

on_the_move · March 2015

Before I start I wanted to let you know my religious background, I was raised Catholic but became Lutheran when DH and I got married. We are religious and attend church as often as possible, both of our children are baptized and we plan to baptize the next one also.

It sounds like you were both raised Catholic but his family is more strongly tied to the religion than yours is. He still wants to attend mass sometimes, especially when he has a family in town, but you don't. I guess the first question is what do you truly believe? Do you believe in God? Do you have any issue with baptizing the baby? What is it about organized religion you don't like? You don't have to answer these questions here, but you should think about them and really have a heart to heart with your boyfriend about them. I feel that your religious guidance of your children is one of the most important decisions you can make. At the very least it is only one of the first decisions you will need to decide together about your child's life.

danixbanani24 · March 2015

First, let me say that I totally get where you're coming from but I'm on the opposite end here. My husband is not at all religious (despite being raised a Catholic) and I was also raised a Catholic but I call myself more "Catholic/spiritual". What I mean by that is I follow Catholic traditions/observances but I don't believe that I need to go to church to be absolved of sin or talk to God, etc. For example, my best friend is Jewish but she isn't kosher, doesn't observe shabbot or all the restrictions. But she is still Jewish and follows those traditions/high holidays. I know it sounds like BS because we're sort of picking and choosing elements of religion but I feel that I can if I want to! Who is to tell me how to be faithful, etc? Anyway, I digress.

My husband could really care less if we raised our baby Catholic but we will be because he is respecting my wishes. He just doesn't care much either way. He doesn't adamantly feel that we shouldn't. I personally feel that because this was how we were raised, I want to raise our children that way. And when our children are older, they can decide for themselves how they wish to be. Whether that is atheist, Buddhist, whatever. Doesn't matter to me.

Now, some people will say to me "Why do you have to force your religion on your child? Why can't they just decide when they're older?" Again, I want to raise my children with the traditions I was raised with and they will be a part of. I don't believe in explaining religious holidays just based on gifts/fun stuff. Also, I do think that some of the morals taught in organized religion, are at their core based on a good idea. I am very much for gay rights, etc and would never hate someone because of what my religion tells me even though people use religion as an excuse to do such things.

Anyway, this is going on rather long. I think maybe you can come to a compromise. This child is half yours after all! Maybe instead of making the sacraments like Baptism, etc, you can sort of slowly introduce some of those Catholic traditions without all the church going, etc? Like as he or she gets older, explain the Catholic side of Christmas, etc? (Assuming you celebrate these holidays of course). You can also explain to him that as they get older they can always investigate a religion if they choose to but you don't have to shove any one religion at them from the time of birth? My younger cousins were not raised Catholic but they definitely start to hear about God from their friends at school (and this is public school) and will have questions so it could be good to explain these things just when they come up or before they even come up. Good luck, I hope you find the resolution.

jenn2132 · March 2015

I can relate somewhat. I was raised Mormon but stopped following the religion before the end of high school and my husband was raised catholic although he never has attended church or preached the beliefs in the 12 years we have been together. We are both on the same page and do not believe in organized religion but we respect all religions, I have family who is still part of the Mormon faith and my brother is being baptized as a catholic this Saturday and we plan to be there. When my oldest son was born my husband and I got a lot of pressure from his catholic mom to baptize him which I was not ok with. My husband started buckling to the pressure and started considering it because it's "tradition." We debated for a while but eventually My husband sided with me as he knew he didn't really follow the catholic beliefs. It took awhile but MIL eventually backed off once we had our second son. In our house we follow the golden rule and my kids when they are old enough can choose what religion if any they want to be.

babymazzei · March 2015

@danixbanani24 My understanding of how you follow the Catholic traditions may have just resolved this for me! This might very well be our "common-ground" once I talk to my boyfriend about it. Its nice to hear your own thoughts expressed by someone else in a different way, as I very much agree with what I'm getting from your beliefs. Thank you!!

danixbanani24 · March 2015

@babymazzei thanks, glad I could help

babymazzei · March 2015

@jenn2132 My MIL is what I'm afraid of! That's what makes this situation hard because I feel like my boyfriend 'follows' these beliefs only to respect his mother's wishes, not necessarily because he fully believes them himself. Damn Momma's boys! lol

gabrielafrnqyepez · March 2015

Let me open with this I don't go to church because as a young girl my father would take the whole family to church on Sundays come to find out it would only be on the Sundays where he had cheated on my mom the precious Saturday! I believe there is a Goa a higher being that guides us spiritually, I don't think you need to go to a building to pray I don't think you have to follow the holidays or the teachings word by word BUT as a parent when I first found out about this bb my instinct was to go to church and have the priest bless me ... Why I did it idk, it was an impulse mb to want to do anything in my power not just physical to keep my child safe, @babymazzei mb that's what ur husband is experiencing! Now the MIL aspect kicks in and that's just another game altogether no one but mom and dad have a right to impart religious believe on your child have your DH stand up to that now

jenn2132 · March 2015

@babymazzei That's totally my husband too! I think compromise is good if you can find middle ground great especially since you both have the same religious background but it has to be about you and your husband not MIL. This is your child, your MIL raised her children in her faith which was her right as it is yours. You ultimately will be the one answering the little questions as they come up

ClaireBear90 · March 2015

I don't think teaching your children your Catholic heritage or taking them to mass or baptizing them is "forcing" your religion on them. If it is, NOT teaching them or having them participate in those things is forcing your non-religion (or whatever you'd call it) on them. At young ages, kids have such a natural openness to child-like, simple faith . . . why deprive them of that? There will be many times ahead of them in their older years when they will naturally question and doubt what they have been taught or not taught. Maybe they will overcome those doubts, maybe not. Faith may not be a significant part of your life, but who knows how meaningful and important it might be for one or more of your children? I think if you only "talk" about religions, but never actually show your children what it means, you're potentially devaluing it for them.

And yes, it sounds a bit hypocritical of your boyfriend to act differently when family is around, but give him the opportunity to return to his roots if he wants to. Maybe the thought of having a baby is making him truly want that.

I'm not Catholic. For me, not sharing the same faith would be (and was) a deal-breaker for me in finding a life partner. Since it's not a deal-breaker for you, I'd say don't let it become one now. Let your boyfriend teach the children about his religion as he sees fit and you do the same. Your children will see two loving parents with different beliefs who respect each other and live in harmony.

gabrielafrnqyepez · March 2015

I don't think children need to be taught in specific detail everything the catholic church teaches its way too complex of a subject, some topics are scary to a certain extend I think respect to the religion is a basic thing and for that fact to any religion weather its your believe or not. I see it as learning your mother toung I'm born in Ecuador my DH is born here I don't want him learning Spanish in a street way or in a Ecuadorian lingo I want him to learn from A teacher at a school when he's ready to , same with religion once the child is ready to learn about it he/she should get training from someone who knows what they are talking about I am not saying to not explain certain things but I don't feel a detailed bible explanation is necessary or that for example a child that fibs needs to be told its a sin. That's just me because of the way my life went !

amberrmariee20 · March 2015

I'm prodicen (don't know how to spell it)
And my bf is catholic !! I have one son already from a previous relationship and he is baptized as prodicen like me, so I told my bf this baby will also be prodicen ! My grand mother is very religious and says grace before every meal, I grew up watching her ways, but neither my parents are religious so neither was I ...

babymazzei · March 2015

@ClaireBear90 I used the term "forcing" incorrectly. My boyfriend grew up in an environment where those who didn't agree with their beliefs, were looked down upon in a negative way (and still are). In turn, they were raised to believe that because they follow the traditions they do, that they are more superior and better citizens than those that don't. These are some of the reasons for my own personal beliefs. I want to expose my children to both sides so they can see that they're isn't necessarily a "right" or a "wrong" way to look at religion, just different ones. And that just because someone doesn't attend church, doesn't mean their own beliefs lack value.

EvilFiona · March 2015

Hi babymazzei! TLM (Traditional Latin Mass-going) Roman Catholic here! Your situation is a common one, but unfortunately a lot of Catholics don't know the answer to it. The requirements for baptism within the Catholic Church can be found within the Code of Canon Law. There are very few requirements for baptizing an infant within the Catholic Church, but there are basic requirements, one of which seems to apply in your case. According to the Code of Canon Law 868 sec. 1:

"For an infant to be baptized licitly:

1. the parents or at least one of them or the person who legitimately takes their place must consent;

2. there must be a founded hope that the infant will be brought up in the Catholic religion; if such hope is altogether lacking, the baptism is to be delayed according to the prescripts of particular law after the parents have been advised about the reason."

The second condition is important in your case, because if there is not reasonable hope that you will raise the kid to be Catholic, then the Church cannot baptize your child. If you lie and say you will when you know you won't, you will be committing a sacrilege. So unless you and BF (or at least one of you) actually intend to raise the kid within the Church, I don't think you can have him/her baptized.

If you have the time and inclination for a more thorough explanation of the above, here is a handy link which breaks down the requirements for baptism very simply but thoroughly. https://www.rosarychurch.net/answers/qa082005.html

Good luck! I wish the both of you very well!

babymazzei · March 2015

@EvilFiona Thank you!! Definitely something else we have to think about. I appreciate you sharing that with me.

CarrieOct15 · March 2015

I think it's important for children to be taught about the various types of religions that are out there, so they are sensitive to the fact that other people's beliefs may be different than their own. My SO was raised Catholic, and is pretty spiritual, but I am not. Our compromise is to explain both his beliefs, as well as my lack of beliefs, to our child so they understand that different beliefs are acceptable. We do not intend on attending church or enrolling our child in a Christian school, which is okay with both of us.

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