How do you cope?

MoFree · March 2015

I find myself continually envious of not only fertiles but recovering infertiles, those women whose ART was successful. I know it's emotiinally destructive but I can't help wonder why this person's FET or fresh IVF was successful and mine aren't.

How are some ways you cope with what seems that everyone around you is pregnant and you're still waiting?

lilmac2929 · March 2015

It is stinking hard. I try really really hard to think about the fact that their situation has no bearing on mine. I try to think about how blessed I am with what I have now. I try to think that there is a plan that I may not know now or ever but I have to trust it.

I try and I fail on a daily basis. I obsess and get jealous. Don't know if that is much help

annibes · March 2015

I've somehow separated other people's pregnancies from my own infertility. They're like 2 different categories- everyone else, and me. I don't know how that happened. Enough years of trying, I guess. When I do get sad, I allow myself to feel it and I don't apologize for it.

And now, I think I'm starting to rationalize. DS is almost 5. I'm kind of afraid of the baby phase again. And we are starting to decide on "consolation prizes" like vacations and cars. If we can't have another one, we're going to spoil the shit out of ourselves and the one we have. But we had to except that we're probably not going to have any more kids to be able to think that way.

pettycrocker · March 2015

Hugs, Mo.

NB817 · March 2015

I've been struggling with this a lot lately too and it's been weighing on my heart heavily and making me sad daily. I currently have 15 friends that are pregnant with #2 (and that doesn't even count the 10 other friends that had #2 at some point in 2014) and out of all of these friends only 2 of them have had to deal with IF.

I found myself getting mad instead of glad when a friend would share their wonderful news. Actually one friend who knows about our IF struggles sent me a text with a picture of her son wearing a big brother shirt and then wrote "I thought you could use some good news". This mad me irate and I cried to DH about it and he explained "one day we will get to share news like this and wouldn't you want YOUR friends to be happy for you when that day comes?"

After that statement I had to force myself to change my thinking and my feelings a bit and I started writing it all in my journal. I'm not super religious but I do pray every night and I started to write my prayers in my journal as well which included writing out the names of all of my pregnant friends (this is how I know the # is 15 ) It has helped me tremendously in the past week when I had 3 friends announce to me they're pregnant again. I didn't cry, get mad or even sad. Sure there was a twang in my heart that wished it was me, but I'm still hoping that one day it will be me. And in the meantime my daughter doesn't deserve to have a mommy that is mad or sad all the time so I really try to keep the focus on her and how happy she makes me.

MoFree · March 2015

Thanks ladies. Right now I am unable to separate my own IF issues from other people's successes. I think I need to stay from my other board 'over there' where I am the only one struggling to conceive #2. Maybe I should just not fight my feelings of jealousy and let them play out, realizing it won't be this way forever.

I am really envious of families who are OAD by choice or who believe that everything is part of God's plan.

NB817 · March 2015

@ Mofree HUGS. Don't fight your feelings...we are here for you.

Flamingemu · March 2015

Hugs @Mofree. I haven't. I am working on it. My BFF said they were talking about trying for their first soon and I had to hold back tears. I would be so happy for her to have a baby, but it still makes me sad that I can't. I get angry when someone asks why we don't have #2 and have started retorting with bitchy responses rather than not saying anything. I am working on it. But to be honest, we haven't seen DH's BFF in 6 months because the girlfriend is pregnant and I don't want to cry in front of her. So ya. No help here.

Jodee37 · March 2015

i drink.

and make lots of jokes about my fucked up body.

and i blog about it. it's very therapeutic. depressing as shit to read, but helps me so much to get it off my chest.

big hugs lady. this shit never gets easier.

fuzzbumble · March 2015

Jodee37 said:
i drink.

and make lots of jokes about my fucked up body.

and i blog about it. it's very therapeutic. depressing as shit to read, but helps me so much to get it off my chest.

big hugs lady. this shit never gets easier.

All of this. I've been thinking of blogging just to get the words out.

I cry a lot, too. maybe every other day at least.

And I hide in my house a lot.

And I've been putting a lot of thought into being a one-child family because that future is a real possibility now. Beginning the stages of mourning there. Because if that is our path, it will be a long fucking journey.

Huge hugs. This shit really fucking sucks beyond anything that sucks.

efhoping2010 · March 2015

@Mofree. I feel exactly the same way.

I wish I knew the answer as I do not think I am coping well at all either.

I throw myself into work.

And dream about the seemingly impossible what if's.

"Try" to be happy for others.

It seems like everyone on the boards is having continual success and it just hurts.

Big Hugs.

Kelley421 · March 2015

The answers make me sad as I was hoping someone knew the cure for IF depression. I wish there was one.
I will echo many and say I've done the same. I also got a dog right after the 2nd loss, planned a vacation, learned to crochet (have amassed about 50 skeins of yarn for a thousand projects that I will probably never get done).
I tend to zone out of baby and preg related conversations and sit there stoically with my mind elsewhere. I try to avoid but it is impossible to completely avoid, which is what I would much rather do.
Hugs to @MoFree.. And everyone else.

pdxveg · March 2015

I wish I had an answer for you. I haven't been coping very well lately. I cry a lot and I try to not fight my feelings anymore. It sucks so much to feel envious of other people but just feeling envious is better than feeling guilty for being envious you know? I am trying that for now. ((Hugs))

MoFree · March 2015

Thanks everyone for your wisdom and your honesty. I'm so sorry we're all in this sucky situation but glad that I'm not the only one with the 'why not me' syndrome. Darned if I know why someone on the other place close to my age cycling at the same clinic is now happily pregnant while I am not. I can't help but wondering why that same success has alluded me.

I really need to stay away from there because all it does is reinforce my feeling of failure.

IF, whether primary or secondary, just sucks the lifeblood out of otherwise strong and capable women.

NB817 · March 2015

@Mofree you are definitely NOT Alone. Everyone's IF struggle and story is different, but at the same time it's all the same. We are all wanting to have that sibling for our children and are all going through heartbreak every cycle that it isn't happening for whatever reason. The plain truth is it isn't fair. There's no rhyme or reason to it. We are all here for no good reason which sucks big ballz, BUT we are all here together and for me I find comfort in THAT. So you are not alone in your feelings...ever! Big BIG HUGS!

PS You keep saying "that other place" and I feel like I should know what you're talking about but I just don't...what is it??

ellebelle2384 · March 2015

Big huge hugs @MoFree. You are DEFINITELY not alone.

I've struggled with these feelings for a while now. What works for me? Drinking. Zoloft. And running. I never was a runner and I picked it up two days after my D&C in August and haven't stopped since. When I first started it was huge for me to prove to myself my body could actually do something good and do something that I set my mind to. It gave me a sense of control over my body because we all know in the world of fertility hard work unfortunately does not mean shit.

I give myself permission to feel however I feel and then try to find something else to focus on. It's hard but I'm trying to get into a habit of saying one thing I'm grateful for in my life when I wake up, mid day, and before I go to bed. Sometimes it helps, sometimes I can't do it. But I don't beat myself up over it if I can't.

And in regards to other groups, I'm not sure which ones, but I stopped going to TTCAL and PgAL and left any FB groups I was in with people with multiple kids. I just am not in a place where I can relate and it always made me feel like crap afterwards. I don't need that in my life.

So anyway, big huge hugs. You're not alone.

spfclr · March 2015

When my daughter was 2.5 and 90% of the women I had been pregnant with and had met who had children my daughter's age were all pregnant or caring for newborns was a hard time, worse since my daughter would ask when her sister was coming and was obsessed with kissing pregnant bellies.

I found that getting off facebook was the best for me. I didn't have as much an issue with 2nd babies of people I was friends with, but it's all the announcements and updates from people I wasn't good friends with or who were friends of friends that really were hard for me. And 3rd plus children were hard, for completely personal IF reasons I appreciate that most people only seem to have 2 .

I also tried to avoid baby showers if possible. I was always prepared for the expectant mom, but again all the people I didn't know well seeing their pregnant bellies and listening them talk about their pregnancies was hard.

I also tried to just take on my husband's long term approach - I want my daughter to have a sibling and in the long term if they are 5+ years apart in age they are likely to become good adult friends and help each other through life.

NB817 · March 2015

ksvend said:
When my daughter was 2.5 and 90% of the women I had been pregnant with and had met who had children my daughter's age were all pregnant or caring for newborns was a hard time, worse since my daughter would ask when her sister was coming and was obsessed with kissing pregnant bellies.
I found that getting off facebook was the best for me. I didn't have as much an issue with 2nd babies of people I was friends with, but it's all the announcements and updates from people I wasn't good friends with or who were friends of friends that really were hard for me. And 3rd plus children were hard, for completely personal IF reasons I appreciate that most people only seem to have 2 .
I also tried to avoid baby showers if possible. I was always prepared for the expectant mom, but again all the people I didn't know well seeing their pregnant bellies and listening them talk about their pregnancies was hard.
I also tried to just take on my husband's long term approach - I want my daughter to have a sibling and in the long term if they are 5+ years apart in age they are likely to become good adult friends and help each other through life.

My daughter does this ALL. THE. TIME. Last week I was sitting at the counter in our kitchen and she came over and touched my belly and said "Mommy Baby in your belly?" I told her no then cried. It was heartbreaking.

HUGS to you.

Frenchteachermama · March 2015

((hugs)) to all of us.

I had such a hard year with my twin sister, 2 sister-in-laws, and a close cousin who were all pregnant. I still get a sad pit in my stomach when I hear someone making a pregnancy announcement, but I can say that little by little I'm coming to terms with my situation. Are you seeing a therapist? I started seeing a therapist who specializes in women's infertility and loss and it has been life saving for me. I find that at times even some of my closest friends don't know how to support me.

I started a PhD program, take time to exercise, drink a lot of wine, and try to surround myself with people who I know truly care about me. I block all pg people on FB because I cannot stand to see the complaints of pg people on FB. I still have very horrible days but I can say that there are now some good days between those horrible days and it hasn't always been that way.

I wish things were different.

CTinNV · March 2015

This is a tough situation to be in and one so many of us understand. Everyone else's pregnancy announcements create a pang in my heart. I get through it by working hard to make sure my longing and infertility struggles don't transform into bitterness. I allow myself to feel the envy or sadness or sense of unfairness or whatever comes at me and let it pass through me, which actually helps me let it go as well.

MrsEmB3 · March 2015

I don't have any advice, but I am right there with you. I feel like a horrible person for not being happy for them, but I can't even fake the warm and fuzzies these days. We found out one of our good friends is expecting, during the 2WW after our IUI, and it was torture to find out we weren't pregnant. I just try to tell myself that I wouldn't wish this on anyone, so I hope they have a healthy 9mos.

AprilDrew04 · March 2015

ksvend said:
When my daughter was 2.5 and 90% of the women I had been pregnant with and had met who had children my daughter's age were all pregnant or caring for newborns was a hard time, worse since my daughter would ask when her sister was coming and was obsessed with kissing pregnant bellies.
I found that getting off facebook was the best for me. I didn't have as much an issue with 2nd babies of people I was friends with, but it's all the announcements and updates from people I wasn't good friends with or who were friends of friends that really were hard for me. And 3rd plus children were hard, for completely personal IF reasons I appreciate that most people only seem to have 2 .
I also tried to avoid baby showers if possible. I was always prepared for the expectant mom, but again all the people I didn't know well seeing their pregnant bellies and listening them talk about their pregnancies was hard.
I also tried to just take on my husband's long term approach - I want my daughter to have a sibling and in the long term if they are 5+ years apart in age they are likely to become good adult friends and help each other through life.

This is my life too. My sister is having a baby girl and we were shopping with our daughters. She decided to have her daughter pick out a few outfits for her new sister. My daughter immediately had to have something for "her sister". She is very insistent that she is getting a baby sister and tells just about everyone. I'm taking it as a sign. So I feel hopeful rather than sad everything she says something about "her sister".

Davie813 · March 2015

annibes said:
I'm kind of afraid of the baby phase again. And we are starting to decide on "consolation prizes" like vacations and cars. If we can't have another one, we're going to spoil the shit out of ourselves and the one we have. But we had to except that we're probably not going to have any more kids to be able to think that way.

Definitely all of this. Plus, just trying to limit my contact with pregnancies/babies/etc. I definitely agree with you and with @ellebelle2384 that staying away from your other board (whichever one it was) is a good idea if it causes you pain. I'm much happier after a few weeks away from The Bump, and will definitely limit where I spend my time here this time around. Big hugs to you.

spfclr · March 2015

AprilDrew04 said:

ksvend said:

This is my life too. My sister is having a baby girl and we were shopping with our daughters. She decided to have her daughter pick out a few outfits for her new sister. My daughter immediately had to have something for "her sister". She is very insistent that she is getting a baby sister and tells just about everyone. I'm taking it as a sign. So I feel hopeful rather than sad everything she says something about "her sister".

Every time my daughter's imaginative play places siblings at (randomly assigned) ages that are 5+ I try to take it as a good sign that her and her sibling will be that many years apart. I hope both our daughters are sending us lots of good signs and karma!!

chicagobride_07 · March 2015

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I felt much the same way after about our 3rd failed cycle with TTC # 2. By the 6th failed cycle (you read that right), I am finally at piece and likely OK with ending our journey and becoming OAD NBC. For me, I took knowing I did everything possible to try to make this work, but it just wasn't in the cards. Immune treatments, consults with 3 different REs and a reproductive immunologist, and switching to a large well known clinic for our (likely) final cycle. I've transferred a total of 14 near perfect blasts and only 1 has stuck. Whenever I start feeling jealous of ladies who seem to have it easy, I just remind myself it could have been worse. I have one beautiful daughter due to ART and am so very thankful for her.

Best wishes to you.

Reagan1010 · March 2015

I drink when I can, usually between failed cycles, and I let myself cry when I need to. I find that allowing myself those feelings actually helps me cope better with them in the long run.

How do you cope?

Re: How do you cope?

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