Work

oxCherryBlossomxo · March 2015

So I am self employed. I do childcare in my home for 1 family currently, 2 boys, 3 and 6. I have told the mother I will be taking 2 weeks off as that is all we can financially afford. She has come back saying she knows I will more than likely need more time and that basically I'm wrong in my time. I would love to take the 6 weeks off that she thinks I need but me and DH have already sat down and looked over the budget and we can't afford it. I really don't know what to do at this point. I know ultimately it's my decision but how do I go about it? She told us it's not about finances but how we can handle everything, and how my delivery goes. And I know all that it's just I have to do what I have to do to afford everything. My grandma lives in the other half of my house and I know she would b willing to come look after the boys if I needed a nap or just a break. How do I go about this ladies?

KonaCoffeeBean · March 2015

Well, you can try to assure her that you will be ready to go at two weeks, but if she's not comfortable leaving her children with you at that point, then I'm not sure if there is anything that you can do about it. I suppose you advertise/look for another family to replace the income.

oxCherryBlossomxo · March 2015

Yes, I have to come September anyways as both boys will be in school. I was just hoping to not have to adjust to a new baby and new children at the same time.

BabyList · March 2015

I would not be comfortable with someone providing child care before they have been cleared by their doctor. I think you need to disscuss the reality of working post partum with your doctor.

ElRuby · March 2015

I don't think I would be comfortable with this situation either... She has two of her own children so I am sure she is aware of how demanding a newborn is and she may worry that her children will not be able to be your priority.

MJMum524 · March 2015

I agree with @BabyList. Hormonally, mentally, physically and rationally you probably aren't ready to work/care for young, busy kids at two weeks postpartum. I would not leave my child with someone who just delivered two weeks prior and wasn't yet cleared by a doc to work. Heaven forbid you need a c-section. Then you would be looking at longer recovery time. I am sorry you cannot afford to take the extra time but having a baby is not something you can typically bounce back from. I hope you can find another way to supplement finances short term and that you have a quick recovery!

laurendutch · March 2015

I agree with PP. Sounds like she isn't comfortable leaving her kids. She has been there done that, so she knows the responsibility of caring for a newborn and another child.

I'm not even going to be the sole care giver for my older children until the baby is a month old. DH is taking 3 weeks paternity and my parents are coming for a week. DHs main focus during his leave is to help adjust and entertain our 4 yr olds.

Penwater1 · March 2015

Have a contingency plan. If you have a c-section there is no way you can watch all those children without help, you wouldn't even be able to lift anything heavier than your baby for a month. I think 3 weeks is a little bit more realistic. Can you cut back on something right now and save some extra $. Also if it's a matter of paying bills call your providers now, a lot of them let you defer a payment by a month or two without penalty this will give you to break you need just in case your pregnancy doesn't go as planned. Obviously we all hope for a complications free pregnancy, but that is not always how things go.

oxCherryBlossomxo · March 2015

I understand what everyone is saying. DH is really the one who thinks I will only need 2 weeks. He has no clue what it takes to look after children let alone a newborn. I have tried discussing with him that it's going to be really hard on me. I already deal with depression and more than likely will have it even worse after the birth (doctor has told me this). But he just doesn't understand. His dad has really, I don't know how else to put it, but has really brain washed him into thinking that you need to work work work. And I get where he is coming from too that if I take this time off we won't be able to afford bills. He is very much against going into debt. So he is very anal about paying bills as soon as they come out. And I know his parents would never let anything happen and would lend us money if we had too. DH is talking about getting a second job but we both really don't want him to have to do that because we want him to still be able to have time with baby.

Do you guys have any suggestions of stuff maybe I can do at home to start saving money?

KaLikeAWind · March 2015

oxCherryBlossomxo Just an FYI, we are currently honoring an hour of silence for our moms who have lost their babies this week. Please refrain from posting or commenting until after 4pm Eastern time. In the meantime, candles to honor them can be placed here

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12552284/official-loss-candle-thread-hour-of-silence-3-4pm-eastern-time#latest

Penwater1 · March 2015

Talk to your creditors, from mortgages to car payments to credit cards almost all of them will let you miss one or two payments with little or no penalties and no hits to your credit for a hardship, just explain your situation to them that can buy you the extra couple weeks you will need to recover.

MrsWiggleWaggle · March 2015

@oxCherryBlossomxo sounds like you are on the same page as PP. You have put your feelings into words here very well. Express your concerns to your husband this way...maybe don't mention that dad and brainwashing. Sounds like your husband doesn't have a very realistic idea of what recovery looks like. Encourage him to do some research on the topic. A close friend was unable to sit down comfortable for a month after birth because of the tearing and poorly healed stitches. It's possible you will need some care taking yourself from another After delivery. You can also just tell him that your employer won't go along with it...hat may take some heat off of you. That's reality you may not be able to work no mater how badly you need to.

As far as preparing for financial issues. Debt can be terrible...but it's there for a reason. It can be a valuable tool when managed properly. That's why people have emergency credit cards. Does your husband also insist on paying cash for a house and never having a mortgage? Sorry being snarky. The point is you might consider taking a small term loan from a friend or institution and that can actually be good for your credit. DO NOT RESORT TO PREDATORY TITLE LOAN OR CHECK CASHING SERVICES. THAT IS NOT DEBT OR A LOAN! THAT IS GETTING VICTIMIZED BY BAD PEOPLE!

BUT FIRST! Call all your bill collectors and attempt to negotiate a temporary grace period or a reduce payment. This actually works. Have a business meeting with your husband about a realistic budget for the next few months.

Realistic is key here...sure you could cut your personal care and entertainment by 90%...but the second a crisis hits or you are losing your mind because you have no cable and spend all your time staring at a baby, or you just need a decent haircut...the budget will get blown out of the water. And it will cause tension and blame. These things are useless and only hurt you both in the long run. So think about what you guys spend and what you can realistically cut out.

Frogger5 · March 2015

Ok, the difference between two weeks and a more reasonable six weeks is only four weeks. Take how much you earn (take home) in four weeks, and divide that by how many weeks you have until baby's due. That's how much you have to save each week. Would have been easier if you'd started when you found out you were pregnant, but maybe you can still make it work. Breastfeed and cloth diaper if you weren't planning on it. Return a crib, or any extra baby things you bought that you won't need for a while that add up to real money.

Also: if the mother of the boys isn't comfortable with the situation, she will just find someone else and you won't have that income at all. Even if she feels bad, I hope she wouldn't go against her judgment and leave her kids somewhere she didn't feel was safe.

And your husband kind of sounds like a jerk. I hope he isn't really that controlling and he's just coming across poorly here.

Good luck!

HoosOnFirst · March 2015

I'll add that I put my student loans into forbearance for 5 months to help ease cash flow during my leave from work. If you have student loans, I'd recommend the same. It's painless and easy to get approved for. Also, if you have federal loans, look into the Income Based repayment program! Which has nothing to do with pregnancy but it has really reduced our payments and they go down even more when a dependent is involved.

karaelaine1991 · March 2015

hoodoll82 said:
I'll add that I put my student loans into forbearance for 5 months to help ease cash flow during my leave from work. If you have student loans, I'd recommend the same. It's painless and easy to get approved for. Also, if you have federal loans, look into the Income Based repayment program! Which has nothing to do with pregnancy but it has really reduced our payments and they go down even more when a dependent is involved.

This is brilliant. My loans are currently deferred because I'm in grad school, but seriously, smart thinking!

HoosOnFirst · March 2015

@karaelaine1991 I hesitated a bit but my loans are like, 30 year repayment terms so adding on 5 months at the end doesn't mean jack squat and better to have a little cushion now. I was told I can do forbearance for up to 33 months over the life of the loan so if I'm in an emergency at some other time I have options. Grad school = I'll probably die before I pay off these loans!

karaelaine1991 · March 2015

hoodoll82 said:
@karaelaine1991 I hesitated a bit but my loans are like, 30 year repayment terms so adding on 5 months at the end doesn't mean jack squat and better to have a little cushion now. I was told I can do forbearance for up to 33 months over the life of the loan so if I'm in an emergency at some other time I have options. Grad school = I'll probably die before I pay off these loans!

Yeah, I really lucked out and got a scholarship that covers like 3/4 of my tuitions so my loans are only going up by I think $7000 due to grad school. Ugh. School is so expensive

Penwater1 · March 2015

I would add, bring your husband to your next doctor's appointment. Your OB is a great source for explaining realistic healing time lines and what you should both realistically expected. It would be a benefit for you both.

TheEA · March 2015

Even considering your financial situation I thinks it's pretty darn wrong of your husband to pressure you to work just two weeks after giving birth. It's completely unrealistic. Sounds to me like he hasn't even bothered to research birth and what you will be going through. Like pp said, you should bring him to your next appointment. If that's not possible, ask your OB for info on recovery timelines you can give him to read.

oxCherryBlossomxo · March 2015

MrsWiggleWaggle said:
@oxCherryBlossomxo sounds like you are on the same page as PP. You have put your feelings into words here very well. Express your concerns to your husband this way...maybe don't mention that dad and brainwashing. Sounds like your husband doesn't have a very realistic idea of what recovery looks like. Encourage him to do some research on the topic. A close friend was unable to sit down comfortable for a month after birth because of the tearing and poorly healed stitches. It's possible you will need some care taking yourself from another After delivery. You can also just tell him that your employer won't go along with it...hat may take some heat off of you. That's reality you may not be able to work no mater how badly you need to.

As far as preparing for financial issues. Debt can be terrible...but it's there for a reason. It can be a valuable tool when managed properly. That's why people have emergency credit cards. Does your husband also insist on paying cash for a house and never having a mortgage? Sorry being snarky. The point is you might consider taking a small term loan from a friend or institution and that can actually be good for your credit. DO NOT RESORT TO PREDATORY TITLE LOAN OR CHECK CASHING SERVICES. THAT IS NOT DEBT OR A LOAN! THAT IS GETTING VICTIMIZED BY BAD PEOPLE!

BUT FIRST! Call all your bill collectors and attempt to negotiate a temporary grace period or a reduce payment. This actually works. Have a business meeting with your husband about a realistic budget for the next few months.

Realistic is key here...sure you could cut your personal care and entertainment by 90%...but the second a crisis hits or you are losing your mind because you have no cable and spend all your time staring at a baby, or you just need a decent haircut...the budget will get blown out of the water. And it will cause tension and blame. These things are useless and only hurt you both in the long run. So think about what you guys spend and what you can realistically cut out.

We actually own our house and do not have a mortgage as it is already paid off. Our pne credit card we do have is our emergency one, we only use cash and debit.

He said if she doesn't want her kids here that we will need to find someone else.

We pretty much live on the bare minimum. We have cable, internet and phone but all very basic.

oxCherryBlossomxo · March 2015

hoodoll82 said:
I'll add that I put my student loans into forbearance for 5 months to help ease cash flow during my leave from work. If you have student loans, I'd recommend the same. It's painless and easy to get approved for. Also, if you have federal loans, look into the Income Based repayment program! Which has nothing to do with pregnancy but it has really reduced our payments and they go down even more when a dependent is involved.

I don't have either.

Frogger5 · March 2015

Did you really just want us to reassure you that you'll be fine after two weeks, and that you should make your grandmother (!) take care of the kids you are being paid to watch so that you can take a nap? Ok, cool. You'll be fine two weeks after having a baby to go back to an active job, and it's totally fair to put the responsibility of your job onto your grandma.

Sorry, but the more you respond, the more it just sounds like your husband is an ass, and you're a doormat for going along with what he says. You don't have a mortgage, you don't have student loans, you don't have credit card debt, and you pay for everything with cash/debit. If you can't figure it out after all of this discussion, I really don't think there is anything else any of us can say to help you.

HoosOnFirst · March 2015

Yeah if you don't have a mortgage or student loans, you are way better off than most of us, I think! Now I just feel depressed!

oxCherryBlossomxo · March 2015

Frogger5 said:
Did you really just want us to reassure you that you'll be fine after two weeks, and that you should make your grandmother (!) take care of the kids you are being paid to watch so that you can take a nap? Ok, cool. You'll be fine two weeks after having a baby to go back to an active job, and it's totally fair to put the responsibility of your job onto your grandma.

Sorry, but the more you respond, the more it just sounds like your husband is an ass, and you're a doormat for going along with what he says. You don't have a mortgage, you don't have student loans, you don't have credit card debt, and you pay for everything with cash/debit. If you can't figure it out after all of this discussion, I really don't think there is anything else any of us can say to help you.

No, sorry. I just wanted to hear your ladies opinions on what you would do. I'm just really confused at what to do. I'm sorry that I have come off that way.

jessieR358 · March 2015

I would cancel the cable if you're not penalized. I would call every company and beg to see if you can have bills lowered. I don't understand your financial situation and yes....saving in hindsight would have been the best way to go. I'd look at groceries and all your spending habits and see where you can save. Can your husband pick up a second job? Can you organize a garage sale? I wouldn't trust my baby with someone who just had a baby 2 weeks ago.

mvargas12 · March 2015

I don't think some of these responses are fair. No one is in any place to judge her husband or her situation. She clearly feels financial pressure and being being critical and sarcastic of what she's saying isn't helping her.

Helpful advice I've gathered from reading is
1. Call your providers ask beg for lowered price for services.
2. Talk to your husband about picking up a second job. It won't be forever, you'll eventually go back to work and he can drop the job if he wants to.
3. Encourage your husband to research birth and recovery time. Do it together so you have an idea too. Talk to your doctor and ask them how much time you should ideally take off.

If the children's mother is insisting that you need more time, she probably doesn't feel comfortable leaving her children with you so soon after birth. As others have pointed out, she's been there, done that and knows that you'll need time after having a baby to recover.

Also, depression is a serious thing and if you think it'll affect you even more after birth, you probably shouldn't be taking care of other people's children until you are okay to do so.

Katerina&Baby · March 2015

I think you need to bring your husband to your next OB appointment and ask your doc to weigh in on when you should REALISTICALLY be able to continue your daycare practice (it sounds to me like the issue isn't so much not being able to afford it - after all, it seems like you have zero debt and are credit worthy - but rather that your husband doesn't believe that there is a real need to take on more than 2 weeks worth of your lost income).

Having multiple children at home that are your own is one thing, caring for someone else's child to the level they expect of you (since they are paying for a service) is another. My best friend (who, in her normal job, runs a classroom of 10 children who are on the autism spectrum), tried to take on babysitting one other little boy during her maternity leave from school and lasted exactly two weeks before she decided it was just too much.

Also, not for nothing but I would be absolutely livid if I sent my kids to a home daycare provider (who, presumably, I would have taken much care in selecting) and then discovered that someone else (like your grandmother) was in fact watching them for any portion of the day.

oxCherryBlossomxo · April 2015

mvargas12 said:
I don't think some of these responses are fair. No one is in any place to judge her husband or her situation. She clearly feels financial pressure and being being critical and sarcastic of what she's saying isn't helping her.

Helpful advice I've gathered from reading is
1. Call your providers ask beg for lowered price for services.
2. Talk to your husband about picking up a second job. It won't be forever, you'll eventually go back to work and he can drop the job if he wants to.
3. Encourage your husband to research birth and recovery time. Do it together so you have an idea too. Talk to your doctor and ask them how much time you should ideally take off.

If the children's mother is insisting that you need more time, she probably doesn't feel comfortable leaving her children with you so soon after birth. As others have pointed out, she's been there, done that and knows that you'll need time after having a baby to recover.

Also, depression is a serious thing and if you think it'll affect you even more after birth, you probably shouldn't be taking care of other people's children until you are okay to do so.

Thank-you. I was starting to feel really shitty. My husband just worries that he won't be able to take care of us himself. He is doing it out of pure love, and is just worried.

I think he plans on working with his dad evenings and weekends and saving up some money and continuing if need be when baby is born. I am definitely going to talk to my doctor to see what she says about it all and then relaying the message to him. I also plan on talking to him more about it.

I never thought that maybe she didn't want them here until it was brought up and brought up again. I would totally understand if that was why she was saying so. If that is the case then I will be taking more time off.

I think I have figured out what to do. Thank-you to everyone who was nice!

oxCherryBlossomxo · April 2015

Katerina&Baby said:
I think you need to bring your husband to your next OB appointment and ask your doc to weigh in on when you should REALISTICALLY be able to continue your daycare practice (it sounds to me like the issue isn't so much not being able to afford it - after all, it seems like you have zero debt and are credit worthy - but rather that your husband doesn't believe that there is a real need to take on more than 2 weeks worth of your lost income).

Having multiple children at home that are your own is one thing, caring for someone else's child to the level they expect of you (since they are paying for a service) is another. My best friend (who, in her normal job, runs a classroom of 10 children who are on the autism spectrum), tried to take on babysitting one other little boy during her maternity leave from school and lasted exactly two weeks before she decided it was just too much.

Also, not for nothing but I would be absolutely livid if I sent my kids to a home daycare provider (who, presumably, I would have taken much care in selecting) and then discovered that someone else (like your grandmother) was in fact watching them for any portion of the day.

I get what your saying. The mother is fine with my Grandma stepping in to watch them for an hour or so while I go to my appointments. But thank-you.

Emilywooddesign · April 2015

We all need to respect that there are all kinds of people from all walks of life on this board so let's leave the judgement at the door.

Op, Is your husband European?? Lol I'm married to a Portuguese man and we are also living mortgage free. My husband has the most insane work ethic I have ever seen, it's been drilled in his head to work work work work. I'm not going back to work after babies are born so our situations are a little different but I can sympathize with having a workaholic husband who stresses about money when he doesn't have to.

Your husband needs to Relax!!! If you guys have to put a few weeks worth of stuff on a credit card it's not the end of the world and if he isn't comfortable doing then maybe one of your parents can lend you money interest free?

You need to remind your husband how lucky and fortunate he is to be in such a good financial situation and maybe learn a little bit of compassion. There is no need for him to be so intense and tell you that you're going back to work 2 weeks post partum- is that some kind of sick joke? He sounds like a bit of a slave driver and you have to put your foot down.

I agree with Everyone that taking him to an OB apt or even a pre natal course so he can be educated is a good idea.

I would never leave my child with someone who has just given birth 2 weeks previously, you will be so tired and that's not safe at all.

Good luck

shawnaNichloe · April 2015

I went back to work after 4 weeks with my oldest and as long as I feel up to it I will just be taking 3 weeks off with this one. It just depends on the work load and what you can handle.

MrsWiggleWaggle · April 2015

oxCherryBlossomxo said:

MrsWiggleWaggle said:
@oxCherryBlossomxo sounds like you are on the same page as PP. You have put your feelings into words here very well. Express your concerns to your husband this way...maybe don't mention that dad and brainwashing. Sounds like your husband doesn't have a very realistic idea of what recovery looks like. Encourage him to do some research on the topic. A close friend was unable to sit down comfortable for a month after birth because of the tearing and poorly healed stitches. It's possible you will need some care taking yourself from another After delivery. You can also just tell him that your employer won't go along with it...hat may take some heat off of you. That's reality you may not be able to work no mater how badly you need to.

As far as preparing for financial issues. Debt can be terrible...but it's there for a reason. It can be a valuable tool when managed properly. That's why people have emergency credit cards. Does your husband also insist on paying cash for a house and never having a mortgage? Sorry being snarky. The point is you might consider taking a small term loan from a friend or institution and that can actually be good for your credit. DO NOT RESORT TO PREDATORY TITLE LOAN OR CHECK CASHING SERVICES. THAT IS NOT DEBT OR A LOAN! THAT IS GETTING VICTIMIZED BY BAD PEOPLE!

BUT FIRST! Call all your bill collectors and attempt to negotiate a temporary grace period or a reduce payment. This actually works. Have a business meeting with your husband about a realistic budget for the next few months.

Realistic is key here...sure you could cut your personal care and entertainment by 90%...but the second a crisis hits or you are losing your mind because you have no cable and spend all your time staring at a baby, or you just need a decent haircut...the budget will get blown out of the water. And it will cause tension and blame. These things are useless and only hurt you both in the long run. So think about what you guys spend and what you can realistically cut out.
We actually own our house and do not have a mortgage as it is already paid off. Our pne credit card we do have is our emergency one, we only use cash and debit.

He said if she doesn't want her kids here that we will need to find someone else.

We pretty much live on the bare minimum. We have cable, internet and phone but all very basic.

i hope you didn't take offense to my suggestion. it sounds like you are already living very bare bones. Its great that you own your house, ill note that at some point your DH was cool with taking on and paying that debt.. Generally we keep our very small mortgage so we can invest more of our income for higher returns. i'm at a loss here, if missing a few weeks of work would still be catastrophic for you even with minimum expenses...you might want to look into some agencies designed to help families in your situation (public, non-profit, or religious).

Am I reading that right? Or is it just that your husband generally fears not having an income stream at all times? Is it an issue about his general philosophy to always have an income, or a fear about long term financial consequences? Once again I will repeat that debt can be a valuable tool, especially if managed responsibly.

oxCherryBlossomxo · April 2015

MrsWiggleWaggle said:

oxCherryBlossomxo said:

MrsWiggleWaggle said:
@oxCherryBlossomxo sounds like you are on the same page as PP. You have put your feelings into words here very well. Express your concerns to your husband this way...maybe don't mention that dad and brainwashing. Sounds like your husband doesn't have a very realistic idea of what recovery looks like. Encourage him to do some research on the topic. A close friend was unable to sit down comfortable for a month after birth because of the tearing and poorly healed stitches. It's possible you will need some care taking yourself from another After delivery. You can also just tell him that your employer won't go along with it...hat may take some heat off of you. That's reality you may not be able to work no mater how badly you need to.

As far as preparing for financial issues. Debt can be terrible...but it's there for a reason. It can be a valuable tool when managed properly. That's why people have emergency credit cards. Does your husband also insist on paying cash for a house and never having a mortgage? Sorry being snarky. The point is you might consider taking a small term loan from a friend or institution and that can actually be good for your credit. DO NOT RESORT TO PREDATORY TITLE LOAN OR CHECK CASHING SERVICES. THAT IS NOT DEBT OR A LOAN! THAT IS GETTING VICTIMIZED BY BAD PEOPLE!

BUT FIRST! Call all your bill collectors and attempt to negotiate a temporary grace period or a reduce payment. This actually works. Have a business meeting with your husband about a realistic budget for the next few months.

Realistic is key here...sure you could cut your personal care and entertainment by 90%...but the second a crisis hits or you are losing your mind because you have no cable and spend all your time staring at a baby, or you just need a decent haircut...the budget will get blown out of the water. And it will cause tension and blame. These things are useless and only hurt you both in the long run. So think about what you guys spend and what you can realistically cut out.
We actually own our house and do not have a mortgage as it is already paid off. Our pne credit card we do have is our emergency one, we only use cash and debit.

He said if she doesn't want her kids here that we will need to find someone else.

We pretty much live on the bare minimum. We have cable, internet and phone but all very basic.
i hope you didn't take offense to my suggestion. it sounds like you are already living very bare bones. Its great that you own your house, ill note that at some point your DH was cool with taking on and paying that debt.. Generally we keep our very small mortgage so we can invest more of our income for higher returns. i'm at a loss here, if missing a few weeks of work would still be catastrophic for you even with minimum expenses...you might want to look into some agencies designed to help families in your situation (public, non-profit, or religious).

Am I reading that right? Or is it just that your husband generally fears not having an income stream at all times? Is it an issue about his general philosophy to always have an income, or a fear about long term financial consequences? Once again I will repeat that debt can be a valuable tool, especially if managed responsibly.

No I didn't take offense. I think he just fears not having a steady income coming in. I had a talk with my doctor about when she thinks I would be able to go back to work if everything went perfectly fine and she said some women can in 2 weeks but it's rare and more then likely I will need at least 4 weeks if not 6 weeks. She said it will be more if I need a c-section or other complications during birth. So last night he finally said to me I know your going to need more then the 2 weeks time. And we discussed what we can do now to save some money, like only going out to eat once a month instead of once a week, and him making coffee at home instead of getting one on the way to work, and trying to shop second hand for things we need, etc. He is going to pick up some on the side jobs with his dad on the weekends and take some hours at work on weekends also. I'm glad he is finally agreeing that I will need more time. My husband is not an awful person like most of the women on here were assuming, he just generally is concerned that he won't be able to look after us, and I totally get where he is coming from. It's going to be tough but I know we can do it, we have awesome support from all our family members and I know none of them would let us fail.

Want a personalized experience?

Work

Re: Work

Choose Another Board

Search Boards