mom in law advice welcome!!

lala19atlu · March 2015

I have a very sweet mom in law who wants to be really involved each step of the way with our baby's pregnancy. This mom in law has a heart of gold truly! I am having difficulty though being assertive. She wants to plan the nursery together without consulting my mom. And she wants the baby to call her mama. I have talked to other older friends who are telling me not to be offended - just to accept the help. This is my first pregnacy but I feel a little concerned. Not sure how to handle this and positive advice is welcome!

momtobe613 · March 2015

I would maybe offer to do something with you, your mom and your mother in law like going out to lunch and spending the day together where you all could be involved in planning nursery. I know my mom would be offended and hurt if I did that without her but she understands that my mother in law has to be included too. So, maybe suggest a time you could all get together and do a girls day to discuss.

In regards to what to call her? Mama is weird to me. I am my child's only mama. There's an array of other names she can choose to be called but that's totally up to you.

karaelaine1991 · March 2015

lala19atlu said:
I have a very sweet mom in law who wants to be really involved each step of the way with our baby's pregnancy. This mom in law has a heart of gold truly! I am having difficulty though being assertive. She wants to plan the nursery together without consulting my mom. And she wants the baby to call her mama. I have talked to other older friends who are telling me not to be offended - just to accept the help. This is my first pregnacy but I feel a little concerned. Not sure how to handle this and positive advice is welcome!

Agree with PP - tell your MIL that you so appreciate her help, but you'd like to include your mom in the nursery planning, too. By the way, you are super sweet for being willing to involve the grandmas in the nursery planning; I'm just planning it with my husband and honestly probably wouldn't even think about involving anyone else.

I do think that she's crossing a line by asking to have the baby call her mama. If you feel fine with it that's your business, but to me, that's clearly a "mom" name and for her to claim it is a bit pushy. A few "grandma" names that sound kind of similar to mama without being a mom name are Mimi and Mamaw (I personally am not a huge Mamaw fan but if I had to choose between that and a grandma going by Mama, I'd definitely pick Mamaw).

Your friends' advice to accept help is good, but don't let well-intended helpers walk all over you. Bottom line, you're you baby's mom and you shouldn't feel bad about standing up for yourself if something makes you uncomfortable. Good luck!

ksimo6 · March 2015

She may have the best intent, but her efforts are already making
you uncomfortable. If I had any advice to give, it would be to set your
boundaries now. Push back on the nursery and the "mama" name.
This is your baby. You can set boundaries in a nice and respectful
manner, but you need to do it so that she understands that you and your husband
are parenting...not the three of you.

TheEA · March 2015

Agree that she wants to help with the nursery is sweet. But strange that she wants to be called Mama. She's already had that pleasure and needs to accept that her new name is Grandma, Mimi, Nana, Lala, or whatever... Just not Mama.
Maybe talk to your mom about how you feel and get her on your side. Then get the two grandmas together and have your mom bring up the subject of Grandma names. Maybe they can come up with appropriate Grandma names for both of them! Sneaky but worth a shot.

KonaCoffeeBean · March 2015

Is your MIL from the south? I've known of a couple of southern families that do "maw maw" (or maybe it's "mee maw") for the grandmother.

tcodoner · March 2015

My husband has been nesting like crazy so he and I have planned, painted and started decorating our daughters nursery together. My dad tried to elbow his way into our nursery and I told him that the nursery in our house is for hubbs and I to work on alone and reminded him that he could do whatever he wants with the nursery in his own house (my parents are doing their own because my mom will be taking care of her once I go back to work). I didn't say it mean or anything, just firm, and he understood (can you tell the men in my life are so excited? Lol!).

As for the grandma as mama issue, hell no in my book. Grandma or abuela is ok by me, they already had their chance to be mama and now it's your turn

KaLikeAWind · March 2015

Yeah, I'm not really feeling the grandma as mama thing. The PP above who had the sneaky idea for the two moms to get together for lunch and discuss names and nursery is a good idea, tho. I'm also behind the idea of setting a date where you, mom, and MIL can shop and plan for nursery together.

mamahawk12 · March 2015

Um, wut? She wants your child to call her Mama?? That is weird. And I would be absolutely clear that she can be Nana or Mimi or any other variation of Grandma of her choosing, but all versions of "mom" are reserved for you and no one else.

And since when go Grandma's get to design the nursery? She wants to have a nursery in HER house? Fabulous. I make my own interior decorating decisions, thank you very much.

Westypet · March 2015

Mama?? Hell no.
When your child is trying to say your name for the first time, something like that is going to come out.

My MIL wants her own baby registry!
What is with MILs trying to live like this child is theirs????

Knottie64157109 · March 2015

Just remember what you do know will set the tone later, I learned this the hard way with my first. You need to tell her straight up (smile alot when talking to her) Mama isn't going to happen, lol. My Mom goes by Grandmommy and that is super sweet; maybe suggest that.

Also, if you exclude your Mother now it WILL set a trend with the MIL for the future. My MIL would schedule events for my daughter without consulting me and it was frustrating, very frustrating. It's easier for you to steer the ship and let whomever wants to join in do so.

Westypet · March 2015

Knottie64157109 said:
Just remember what you do know will set the tone later, I learned this the hard way with my first. You need to tell her straight up (smile alot when talking to her) Mama isn't going to happen, lol. My Mom goes by Grandmommy and that is super sweet; maybe suggest that.

Also, if you exclude your Mother now it WILL set a trend with the MIL for the future. My MIL would schedule events for my daughter without consulting me and it was frustrating, very frustrating. It's easier for you to steer the ship and let whomever wants to join in do so.

What kind of events and how did you deal with them when they came up? I have some excitable family members that I fear might do the same. All from a good place but still... Can they ask first? Haha

ElRuby · March 2015

No matter what she wants, kids call grandparents what they want .... My son started calling my mom "gaga" and now he calls her "gaga grandma"... It was all him... Funny enough I used to call my grandma "mama Joan" which I put together on my own probably after hearing my mom call her "mom" and my dad call her "Joan"... I would never suggest it is as a name for a grandparent but you just never know what might come out of your kid's mouth.... The only name I despise is when kids call their grandma "nanny"... And I also corrected my MIL when she used it (she refers to herself this way with her other grandkids) and she respected that so I hope yours respects what you say as well!

HoosOnFirst · March 2015

Relatedly, has anyone heard of a grandparent shower? My MIL wanted to have one when my first Niece was born and my sister in law put the kibosh on it. So glad she went first and was able to nip that sh*t in the bud!

ElRuby · March 2015

hoodoll82 said:
Relatedly, has anyone heard of a grandparent shower? My MIL wanted to have one when my first Niece was born and my sister in law put the kibosh on it. So glad she went first and was able to nip that sh*t in the bud!

I have heard of grandparents receiving showers at their place of employment (where they are really celebrating a close friend or co-worker becoming a grandparent) but to have an actual party thrown sounds quite strange and unnecessary to me!

karaelaine1991 · March 2015

hoodoll82 said:
Relatedly, has anyone heard of a grandparent shower? My MIL wanted to have one when my first Niece was born and my sister in law put the kibosh on it. So glad she went first and was able to nip that sh*t in the bud!

This is the first I've heard of something like this and I find it incredibly weird. That's all I have to say about that!

ETA: I assume you mean a shower honoring the grandparent, rather than the grandparent-to-be hosting for the mom-to-be... if it's the latter then I don't find that weird at all!

princesslockness · March 2015

*Lurker from August15*
H had a neighbor lady he kinda adopted as a second mom. She offered to throw our baby shower, that way both grandmas to be could be secondary guests of honor.
It's nice as I didn't want the mothers to fight, or get feelings hurt.
That way since they are both first time grandmas they get spoiled and I don't have to balance who is getting more attention.

HoosOnFirst · March 2015

karaelaine1991 said:

hoodoll82 said:
Relatedly, has anyone heard of a grandparent shower? My MIL wanted to have one when my first Niece was born and my sister in law put the kibosh on it. So glad she went first and was able to nip that sh*t in the bud!
This is the first I've heard of something like this and I find it incredibly weird. That's all I have to say about that!

ETA: I assume you mean a shower honoring the grandparent, rather than the grandparent-to-be hosting for the mom-to-be... if it's the latter then I don't find that weird at all!

Yep a shower for the grandparent. "Congrats, you spawned a kid who later had sex! Let's give you stuff!" Bizarre.

laurendutch · March 2015

hoodoll82 said:
Relatedly, has anyone heard of a grandparent shower? My MIL wanted to have one when my first Niece was born and my sister in law put the kibosh on it. So glad she went first and was able to nip that sh*t in the bud!

Ugh! My Mom did with all of her co workers. Luckily, I live a 1,000 miles away so I had no part in it. My moms office is full of older women and I guess they do this for each other...it's weird!

lala19atlu · March 2015

Thank you all for replying!!!

it really gives me confidence to know i am not going crazy for having to stand up for myself with this MIL. Really - thanks

!

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