Need Advice

savannahmomma · March 2015

I'm 27 weeks along, first time mom. My boyfriend has 4 boys from 2 previous women. The baby I am carrying isn't biologically his, but we met when I was about 12 weeks along, we hit it off and are now living together and he has decided to step up and raise the baby as his own. We're having a little girl, Clara. The two older boys mom is very laid back and we get along great, she knows the legistics and the older two refer to Clara as their little sister. The younger two boys mom is not my biggest fan and is constantly bashing me to the boys. We have the younger two boys for the weekend and they saw a picture of Clara's ultrasound I told the 3 year old that is his little sister and she is in my belly. The 5 year old (who I have the most trouble with) chimed in and said that his mom told him it is not his sister and that she is his cousin. (Which makes no sense to me why she would tell her son that) Im at a loss as to what to say because I need my daughter to be brought into a loving family. I've asked my boyfriend to talk to the 5 year old but he sighs and gets stressed out as if it is my fault, I don't think it is my place to talk to the 5 year old, but I'm at a loss as what to do! I'm already extra emotional and having his ex playing with my emotions and my future through the kids is not helping.

rsalata · March 2015

Wow some baby mommas are just plain rude. What a way to confuse their own child just out of spite. It seems like u got to be the one who does all the explaining. It would be nice if ur man would back you up on that. I don't really have any advice other than for u to set it straight and be the better person. I'm dealing with crazy ex girlfriend crap and it is very childish and unnecessary.

Frogger5 · March 2015

Well, it's not the kid's sister, so I don't know how upset you should be. You and your boyfriend have been together three or four months - I wouldn't think it's a good idea to encourage children to think of this baby that way. If it doesn't work out with this guy his kids aren't going to see your daughter any more - that they were told was their sister . . . Sorry, I think "cousin" is pretty generous.

savannahmomma · March 2015

Cousin is generous? Cause incest is always something to expose your children too, my daughter being their cousin would imply that their dad and their aunt sleep in bed together. It's insensitive and shouldn't be any of a 5 year olds business. The ex im dealing with has done everything she can out of jealousy and anger, not in the best interest of her kids. Her kids come here and constantly tell me that their mom says I don't live here and I'm just a "visitor". If I wanted rude comments I would talk to her. Thanks though.

Frogger5 · March 2015

savannahmomma said:
Cousin is generous? Cause incest is always something to expose your children too, my daughter being their cousin would imply that their dad and their aunt sleep in bed together. It's insensitive and shouldn't be any of a 5 year olds business. The ex im dealing with has done everything she can out of jealousy and anger, not in the best interest of her kids. Her kids come here and constantly tell me that their mom says I don't live here and I'm just a "visitor". If I wanted rude comments I would talk to her. Thanks though.

Uh, what did I say that was rude? Telling them this baby is their sister is lying. You have known this guy for a few months. You're upset that a woman doesn't want her kids told that they have a sister that ISN'T THEIR SISTER. Sorry she doesn't want to play along with your pretend world view. You're welcome.

KonaCoffeeBean · March 2015

It's not okay to lie to children. Set the record straight with these boys; the new baby is not their cousin or their sister. Period.

rrcameron21 · March 2015

Yeah, I think having them call the baby their "sister" is a little much. It's always something you can work up to once your relationship is more solid. I think that's just confusing to the children. What's the rush?

mrs1374a · March 2015

I'm sorry, but I agree. She isn't their sister, you've known him for just a few months. Not saying she isn't being the jealous ex or whstever, but she is correct.

ElRuby · March 2015

I agree with PPs ... This baby is not their sister or cousin... And it is certainly not your place to instruct children who are not your own to call your child their sister.

ElRuby · March 2015

@Frogger5 is not being rude... What opinion were you looking for here?

delujm0 · March 2015

Agree with PP. Unless you marry this man, your daughter is not his sons' sister. If you get married she'd be their step sister at least so calling her their sister would make more sense.

I find it a little disconcerting that a man who has known you for only a few months is ready to step up and raise your kid as his own...in your position I think I'd prefer to make sure i could make it as a single mom before jumping into a serious relationship while pregnant.

I truly hope he's just a great guy and the love of your life but if it doesn't work out what happens to your daughter? Will he be listed on her birth certificate as the father? If so you would be legally required to share custody with him. If not his other kids will think they have a sister that they just never see anymore which would be upsetting to them if you let them believe she is their sister. It just sounds like a bad situation all around.

savannahmomma · March 2015

I didn't plan any of this to happen, maybe I shouldn't have posted on here. I was just looking for somewhere to vent I guess. I am a first time mom, I've never been in a step mom position. I'm clueless, I'm going with what he has said and decided, and now he isn't following through with it. I wasn't asking to be bombarded. Now I just feel even worse. I understand all the possible outcomes, but we already live together and it's not my pretend world, it's real life. I never called her their sister, we told them I was pregnant because I'm showing and can't hide it anymore and the 8 year old said it was his little sister and my boyfriend didn't tell him otherwise. I guess I'm just stupid and clueless. Wish there was a way I could delete this since you are all just making me feel worse.

Mommaswizz · March 2015

rrcameron21 said:
Yeah, I think having them call the baby their "sister" is a little much. It's always something you can work up to once your relationship is more solid. I think that's just confusing to the children. What's the rush?

This exactly. You've only known this man 15 weeks that's just over 3 months. Slow your roll and wait for a deeper commitment before promising these kids a new sibling.

ngaines27 · March 2015

You said in your original post that you told the 3 year old she was his sister. .

I'm sorry you feel bad after hearing the opinions of PPs (and I have to agree with them). I think everyone that has given their opinion has done so respectfully and as sympathetically as they could while still being honest. 3 months seems awfully quick to be shacking up with a man that isn't your child's father and who also happens to have 4 other children with 2 different women and telling his children that your child is their sibling is absolutely not the truth. . .

I'm sorry we haven't said what you wanted to hear. I hope for the best for you and your daughter.

MrsWiggleWaggle · March 2015

savannahmomma said:
I didn't plan any of this to happen, maybe I shouldn't have posted on here. I was just looking for somewhere to vent I guess. I am a first time mom, I've never been in a step mom position. I'm clueless, I'm going with what he has said and decided, and now he isn't following through with it. I wasn't asking to be bombarded. Now I just feel even worse. I understand all the possible outcomes, but we already live together and it's not my pretend world, it's real life. I never called her their sister, we told them I was pregnant because I'm showing and can't hide it anymore and the 8 year old said it was his little sister and my boyfriend didn't tell him otherwise. I guess I'm just stupid and clueless. Wish there was a way I could delete this since you are all just making me feel worse.

I imagine reading the comments here feel rough. But I think most of them are good takes on a very serious situation for you. I would strongly encourage you to find other support systems in your life. Like your mom, dad or another family member or friends. You are describing some enormous transitions here. Moving in with a boyfriend after a few months, having a baby, accepting him as your baby's father, asking very small children to accept their dad's very new relationship and a new sibling at once . It sounds super duper fast to me, especially when you have laid out that this man already has 4 other biological children who are living separately from him. The second EX may in fact be a total wench like you say...but you've got a lot going on.

Take care of you and your baby first, and please please please find support with someone who is not any of the people you are talking about. You need help, and not in a bitchy way. You need someone to talk to to help you think through your situation and possibly assist you with an exit strategy if you ever need it.

virginiaunicorn11 · March 2015

There are so many different family structures in today's world. Maybe rather than assigning labels, just tell the kids your baby will need love and good role models, and you hope they can help provide that. Leave it at that.

Down the road, in a few years, you can help teach them about the different types of families in today's world, and that it's love that glues families together - sometimes even moreso than genetics. But don't do that yet. 3 months is really too soon.

Pay attention to your BF's relationship with his exes and their kids. If those relationships aren't strong and respectful, that could be a warning sign of what is to come.

I hope things work out for you. Hope for the best, plan for the worst, is my approach.

Trampslikeus · March 2015

Coming out of occasional lurkdom because I have a friend who is in the younger boys moms position and I think it may be helpful for you to hear this...

As much as you want to hate her, she is just trying to protect her children. And she has every right to, and most mothers would do the same.

Your new boyfriend has a history. 4 children with two women, now very serious VERY quickly with a third. Why would she think this relationship would go any differently? Why would she just instantly trust a woman she barely knows, who her ex barely knows, and who her children barely know?

Combining families is a slow, challenging process that involves the building of trust and relationships over time. You can't just say you moved in together and expect an instant family, that's not how this plays out in reality.

A friend of mine had a child with a guy at 19, and has watched him go from one very serious relationship to the next, while her daughter is thrown for a loop every time a new "stepmommy" and sometimes her children disappear after a year or two, never to be heard from again. Put yourself in her shoes and imagine how hard that must be.

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