To the breaking point.

Re: To the breaking point.

• lyefimova member

  March 2015

  I think u r dating the same guy. It's a constant battle. I try to talk to him and stay calm but end up blowing up because he is not responding the way I want him to. If u find something that works please share with me. So far the only thing that gets him moving is when I snap and start to make plans to move on but it doesn't last long. When he starts trying and stick around he goes back to being a child

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• mamajama3 member

  March 2015 edited March 2015

  When my parents first had me my dad was working full time, playing semi pro soccer and going out to party with his friends. He left my mom alone a lot (she worked up until birth) and she was really upset to not have help (work she understood but the extra stuff was selfish as she was basically doing all the baby stuff herself and needed help). She told him straight up that she was upset and that he had two choices, he could help raise his daughter or keep doing all the other stuff, but that if he didn't help she would be leaving him to raise me alone. She was honest but very direct and she certainly was not bluffing that if he didn't help raise me she'd do it alone without him. This was a wake up call for him and he knew something had to give. He stopped going out as much, decided to play soccer part time here and there and kept working. It really sobered him up thinking that he might lose us, and because she was brave and honest my mom got the help and support she deserved and needed. I say you should do the same thing- don't get frustrated and mad, just tell him point blank what you expect from him and what you will have and that if he can't be there for you and your kids you will do it without him and that's his choice. You have to honestly be prepared to walk away though and demand what you will have in life. I know it's hard, but you will get in life what you allow into your life. If you allow him to not be supportive of you and the kids he will keep going this way and not change. I always tell my girlfriends, you really have two choices: do something about a problem in your life and change it or stop expressing concern over it and learn to live with it- those are the two options you have- it's tough love but it is the truth. Best of luck to you- you deserve a partner who supports you and your kids and I hope you will demand that from him.

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• saric83 member

  March 2015 edited March 2015

  If you don't think you can have a chat with him without blowing up or it escalating, maybe start with a letter.  I would just make sure you are crystal clear with what you want from him.  If you just give him the generic, "I need your help more" or "I want you to be around more", that might not be very helpful.  

  
  

  I've personally found that things work great with DH when I don't dance around what I want from him.  It would be lovely if he could read my mind and just know.  But obviously that's not reality, and I feel like I'm setting him up to fail, and I'm contributing to the issue if I don't ask for what I want instead of just hoping he knows.  

  
  

  I ask for very specific of things (and I'm making up the DD things since we have no kids now) like, "Hon - I'm feeling really swamped taking care of things right now, and I feel like I'm doing a lot of this on my own.  It would be so great if you could start making lunches for DD each night."  Or even start off with really minor things without a conversation first of, "Hey hon - can you give DD a bath tonight?"  Just tell him what you want/need. 

  
  

  If he's not responding or willing to help when you specifically ask, then I would highly recommend some pre-marital counseling to just make sure you're both aligned on things. 

  
  

  Good luck!

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• cnr8888 member

  March 2015

  When my sweetie doesn't step in, our kids are older, I just stop doing some things. Obviously not neglect in any way, but when they've got ice cream all over tell them to go cuddle on daddy lol..stop doing things like picking up after him, making him a dinner plate, picking up his messes in general. Leave the toys on the ground, things that might bug him. When he says something hand him a list of all you've done and ask what he did. I like to prank to get my way too lol... Hide the gaming cables and leave him a scavenger hunt that requires him to do things around the house to find he next clue. If he gets mad just laugh away and take the kiddos to the park.

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• kaycorey89 member

  March 2015

  Just had this happen over the weekend with my boyfriend.. He's 28, I'm 25, and we'll completely feel like I've been doing everything myself. His mother and sister have helped as well as my parents but that's not up to them to do that. I didn't get myself pregnant. Why should they be doing simple tasks that he could be doing? Saturday was my baby shower that his mom and sister had for me. I've told him for weeks to not make any plans that day around 4 I needed him to come help bring in the heavy this as we live in an upstairs apartment. And the Friday he decided at midnight him and a buddy were going to the camp for the night but promised he would be back to help.. Yeah... Right... I texted at 4 to make sure he was here, nothing. 430 rolled around still nothing. So my best friend god love her and me brought everything in ourselves. She carried the heavy things and we managed. At 5 I still hadn't dnt heard a word. Called his phone right to voicemail. I was livid. So I messaged him again said thanks for the help it was greatly appreciated. At 530 I finally heard back he said yeah sorry went snow shoeing with the guys... So I told him sorry wasn't good enough anymore. I'm tired of feeling like everything else is more important to him than me and this baby and we are always on the back burner. His friends and going out are more important. We did get into it a little bit. So I stopped texting. Finally Sunday he actually apologized. Said he was sorry he wasn't there when I needed him and it was not good on his part. And he felt bad. So I flat out told him, I realize relationships have their tiffs, but I'm not one for arguing and fighting. I want this to work and not because we are having a kid together either but because I do want him. But enough was enough. I wasn't going to sit around and take care of 2 babies. He needed to grow up. I told him his actions speak louder than his words and as of right now they are saying that he does not want to be here and if that's really the case then there's the door he could leave. He said that he wants this to work as well and again that hes sorry. Realizes his actions do speak louder than words and that he is going to do better.. So as of right now it's left at that. It's In his hands to make this better. I dunno if that helps any at all! But that's just how I handled our issue.. Hope you guys the best.

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