Mother in law in delivery room

mrscasey306 · March 2015

im sure it's been posted so don't kill me .i do not have the best relationship with my mil . I tried for many years and she just basically told me out right she wasn't that type of person and didn't want a relationship . After I got pregnant like I predicted it all changed she wanted to buy everything for our baby which I'm very appreciative for ..and now she wants to talk everyday Etc.... . I only want my mom and my husband at the hospital I would prefer my mil stay home because she has 5 other kids oldest being 16 and I don't want her in the delivery room because I don't want to entertain anyone and I don't want my husband to feel like he has to go out and update her every 5 mins with her in the waiting room . Bottom line is she's not my mom and it would be awkward for me given our "relationship". Has anyone dealt with this how did their husbands deal with it . Mine feels like im putting him in an awkward situation .

houser1406 · March 2015

An awkward situation would be a circus in the delivery room. If you don't want her there, tell her! My MIL hasn't said anything about it yet but theres no way she's going to be there. My hospital only allows 2 people in the delivery room so it makes it that much easier--maybe you could ask the nurses to be your buffer and fib a little. Before doing any of that, though, I'd say your hubby needs to stand up to his mother and tell her a big fat NO! I had the convo with my hubby today that no one is to know I'm even in the hospital until I'm fully checked in and settled. Remember, this is about you, DH, and baby--everyone else can be put on the back burner until you see fit!

arodlaguard · March 2015

Just tell her flat out, "hey, I don't feel comfortable entertaining when I am in pain, and I don't want anyone seeing my lady parts." She will get over it once your baby arrives.

guinevereis · March 2015

I would go for what the previous poster said about limited number of people in the delivery room- that takes it out of your hands and won't cause drama. I agree that your husband should back you up 100% and deal with his mom. She can visit after baby is born!

Ndm410 · March 2015

I'm not even letting my own mother into the room when I deliver. While I'm in labor, ok, but while there is pushing going on? No way. I don't need or want an audience. If the other grandma was at the hospital she wouldn't be allowed in even during labor. This is a personal, private time. The end. It's your choice. You need to make sure your feelings are known and adhered to. If they aren't, you are the only one to blame. Don't be afraid to ask for, to DEMAND what you want or need. If you don't, no one else will.

With that being said, if your DH wants her at the hospital as well (like in the waiting room) you need to accept that. However, maybe you can work out a schedule for updates. Chances are your labor could take a while (I'm assuming you're a ftm????). You will likely only get checked for progress every hour or so. Maybe make that his update schedule???

I know it's a difficult situation! Good luck and just keep it in your mind that this is your situation and you should have as much control as possible because lord knows when it comes to birthing a baby, we rarely ever have very much control over anything.

court476 · March 2015

IMO when you are in labor that job falls to your SO. The only thing you should be focused on is your baby!! You don't need any distracting you from the "outside world". At that point he should respect your wishes and tell her to back off so that he can be with you in your time of need. Its not her show. Its about YOUR family that y'all have created.

Dvine21 · March 2015

I understand not wanting her there while your pushing, but I cant support you not having her there at all. Your husbands mother is just as important to him as yours is to you. You may have issues with her but that is still her son your married to and her grandchild your delivering. My relationship with my mother in law isn't perfect but I would never intend to put a wedge between my husband and her or our child and her unless she was someone who would put my child's well being at risk. I think you should fairly compromise with your husband.

mrsalvidrez · March 2015

An awkward situation was when you tried to have a relationship with her and she told you off. She should've thought about that before she decided she wanted to be grandma of the year. Since she is your in-law its your husband's responsibility to tell her she can't be in the delivery room and as a fellow woman she should be able to relate and understand that when your in labor/giving birth you want to be as comfortable as possible. People amaze me sometimes, it makes me appreciate the type of mom I have for sure!

slipsintothesea · March 2015

I agree that your husband should tell her no however, you can also say no. You are the one giving birth and she is not your mom.

I have a tough mil as well who is pretty bad with boundaries. My sil tried to talk to my mil when she was going on another one of her "our baby" rants about crowd control at the hospital and how she knows I don't want a ton of people out in the waiting room. My mil got annoyed and said to my sil that she doesn't want a phone call until after the baby is born then because she knows she won't be able to respect my wishes and will try to get into the delivery room. I also know that she will probably send out a mass email and Facebook message about my status and show up to the hospital with an entourage which I definitely do not want....
Sorry that turned into sort of a rant. I have pictured myself many times yelling "get out" if she tries to come in the room and then later blaming it on the hormones. Maybe you could try that if she tries to come in the room? Lol

ewilson74 · March 2015

IMO, the person giving birth gets to decide who is/isn't going to be in the room. It is about making you comfortable. For myself, it's my SO, my mother, and perhaps one of my sisters. My other sister, no way. My mil, hells no! If having that person there isn't going to create a supportive, conducive environment for you, then you are under no obligation to invite them in.

AmandaDCarroll · March 2015

I have a great relationship with my MIL, but she definitely won't be in the delivery room. Even if my own mother was here for the birth (she plans on being here two weeks later instead), she wouldn't be in the delivery room. This is simply because I prefer this to be a time for me and DH. I will probably let her visit a little bit during early labor (I'm being induced...), but not when things have progressed, and definitely not during the very end. Everyone, except DH, will have to wait.

mrscasey306 · March 2015

Thanks everyone for the advice . Yes I am a ftm

. I know I can't control what goes on in the waiting room and she hasn't brought it up yet ...but I know it's coming and me and my husband we're discussing how to handle .. The prob is , his mom knows how to guilt him out

reneejones0508 · March 2015

I have rarely heard of the MIL being in the delivery room. That shouldn't be an expectation but if it is, best to have a straight forward convo about it. Plus, good for you and your husband to get used to having them. After that baby comes, you might need boundaries! Grandparents lose all sanity and reason once babies come.

darcyalene · March 2015

I know the nurses at my hospital when I gave birth to my daughter told me flat out that they have to be a buffer for "unwanted" guests all the time so if there was a time that we decided we didn't want anyone else allowed into the room that they would be happy to let them know for us and that they were very used to this and not to feel bad. I ended up with basically my whole side of the family (grandparents, aunts and uncles, parents, step parents...EVERYONE) wanting to be there for the ENTIRE labor (36 hours!!) There finally came to a point when my husband had enough and knew I needed rest so he didn't mind telling them to go home for a while and we'd call them with any updates, but most of them still stayed in the waiting room. If they wanted to hang out in a waiting room all day that was their choice, but I had enough of there being standing room only in my room while going through labor as a FTM!

Sarah04Marie · March 2015

DS and I are sending out a mass email today to our family letting them know our plans and the hospital rules. DH will be my only support in the delivery room. We will let our family and close friends know when I am in labour but we ask that it stay private and off social media. We are also asking everyone to stay home until the baby is born. We will let them know when they are welcome to visit. Baby T will be visiting the NICU at birth and I then want to breastfeed before family arrives. Visiting hours are also 11-8pm regardless of when the baby is born and no cell phones are allowed, which I feel I need to spell out for our family. Also, we don't want any photos or announcements posted on social media until we make the official announcement.

Maybe you can do something similar so that your MIL isn't offended. She in no way should be, but if she's anything like my MIL .... she's fragile and I have to walk on eggshells around her.

RSupry · March 2015

I love my MIL, she is planning on coming down from NH around my due date to help with my toddler, but I still would not want her in the delivery room with me. My mom will be allowed while I'm in labor to give my husband breaks but the only person allowed while I'm pushing will be my husband. Aside from medical professionals obviously. I honestly don't even want visitors until I'm at home.

topaz7777 · March 2015

First off, set realistic expectations. I was pretty clear with my MIL with DD what my delivery plans were. I let them all know we would call when we got admitted so they could wait in the waiting room and that after baby arrived, they would be allowed to come in and see the baby for a few moments, but then should go so we could get some rest. MIL was dissapointed but after reminding her how I'd still be recovering and in pain and wouldn't really be up for visitors right after she got it. The day of she knew what to expect. We made sure to call her the next day to let her know when it was ok to visit, but asked to keep the visit short so baby and I could get sleep.

If it's a big problem, let her know that the hospital only allows 2 people in the delivery room with you and just let the hospital staff know which two and that you don't want anyone else coming in.

amt725 · March 2015

You're the one delivering so she should respect your wishes, you will always have to set boundaries through many years of your child's life so your husband should start learning to stand up for his new family now. We let them all know when we were in labor and as it got closer they came to the waiting room. After she was born they were allowed in for a quick visit and then we asked them to leave so we could get some rest. My mom and sister were in my delivery room until I started to push. Have who you feel comfortable with in the room and don't worry about her feelings she needs to realize it's not about her!

mrscasey306 · March 2015

I just don't know how to deal with this anymore he finally calls his mom and tells her and then starts getting after me! While i agree i don't have control over the waiting room..what is the point of her being up there the whole time I'm in labor?? I would much rather her come up when I'm cleaned up and our daughter is cleaned up and has that sweet little hospital bow hat on .She lives 45 mins away has 5 kids oldest being 16 like I said ... I do not even expect my mom to be up there the whole time . His excuse is its not just your day it's my day to . It's like oh I didn't realize you were pushing out or getting cut open ... I don't know if I'm being irrational or evil whatever but I'm to the point where he can just stay home I'm 37 weeks on bed rest because of blood pressure issues I do not need this shit pardon my language ...

houser1406 · March 2015

I totally get where you're coming from. I don't like the fact that there will, most likely, be a full waiting room full of people either but if they want to waste their time that way then so be it! You're not on their time table and they'll get that point if they're sitting there for hours on end and hopefully throw in the towel. I'll be snuggling my LO with just me and DH as looooong as I want. While I agree it's his day too I also think he needs to respect the family time that you will need with baby before thinking about mom or relatives.

Just talking about this gets my blood pressure up too--theres family on both sides that can be extremely overbearing but hang in there and don't let them reuin your time. I plan on ignoring the fact that theres people waiting for as long as possible, it's not about them!

vetdr03 · March 2015

I can't even imagine he responded like that! My blood pressure went up for you! That's fine. She can sit in the waiting room for 24 hours. You need to go ahead time and let the hospital know when you are admitted that no one will be allowed into the room. He isn't the patient so it won't matter what he thinks. How and why do people act like having a baby is any different than any other medical situation??? You wouldn't force yourself in on someone who had surgery or a heart attack?! You are the patient and it needs to be reminded to both of them!!

vetdr03 · March 2015

Also if she is sitting out there the entire time he will feel compelled to entertain her. This means time away from you! Honey, I don't envy your position because my husband wouldn't even fix his mind to come at me like that. But thankfully I don't have that type of MIL either.

amt725 · March 2015

We had a full waiting room but never felt obligated to step out o visit we filled them in via text on progress. But then again at 5 cm my epidural was working so well I called my dad to chit chat cause I was bored and told him to come hang out and play hang man with us!

lmk115 · March 2015

As far as his comment that its "his day too" He is sort of right, once the baby is born, then you partly share the day. As far as labor, that is just about YOU!!! Until he is the one naked, in pain and incredibly vulnerable, then he does not get to pick who sees you like that. His only job is to support you and to make the process as easy as possible. You say that you are fine with her coming to the hospital once you and baby are cleaned up and ready. That is when it also becomes his day, when baby is there.

I completely agree with others that say it seems like he will be the type that keeps leaving to update his mom if she is in the waiting room. I would shut that down completely, but if you want to compromise, you can say that he can call her once you reach XX cm (4 or 5 maybe?) then once you hit X cm (8?) he is no longer allowed to leave you to update her. And she certainly does not enter the room in that first hour post delivery. All I heard from the teacher in my birthing class was the importance of that hour to the bonding with the baby. Baby should remain skin to skin and you breast feed for the first time then(assuming you are). Tell her that your Doctor insists private time for that first hour. She can research it, its scientifically valid.

Good luck! My MIL lives on the other side of the country and isn't coming for a month post due date! I think I'll be ready for her by then.

fatcat11188 · March 2015

I would NEVER let my MIL in the delivery room, let alone see me right after. We do not have the best relationship and she picks and chooses when she wants to be part of our twins lives (3.5 years old). Luckily my husband is in agreeance. I am sure it makes him sad inside that his mother sucks, and it makes me sad for him. HOWEVER with that being said, birth and delivery is such a sacred part of our lives, I would not want it to be in anyway stressed, or uncomfortable (more than what naturally occurs) by adding someone like my MIL in the near vicinity. I am not even sure we will call her right away so she doesn't show up!

mrscasey306 · March 2015

I do agree it is his day to ( I've been hormonal and said things I get it ) I don't even mind saying hey come up when I have hit x amount of cms because she does live far ... But the whole issue I have is I don't want anyone waiting the whole time I'm in labor ( like I said I don't expect my own mom to be there the whole time )and I don't want visitors until our daughter is born I don't think that's such a horrible request .. I think he's just jealous because I want my mom in the room and not his...but she is not my mom and we do not have that type of relationship...this is my first child I don't know what to expect or at what point they do epidurals .

fatcat11188 · March 2015

Labor can last hours and hours and hours and honestly is such a private time- You need to do what YOU are comfortable with.. its YOUR legs spread, not his! I say that in the most sensitive way possible

mrscasey306 · March 2015

That's what I keep trying to tell him he's just stuck on the fact I don't want his mom up there lol

lmk115 · March 2015

I know very few women that have their mother in laws in the room. Nope, not even that, I do not know any that let their mother in laws in the room. It would have to be a unique situation where you have a very tight bond, which is clearly not the case here. Your husband might need to talk to friends with kids, as I bet he will discover that. Even if you find someone who did invite MIL, it would still be for mother, because she wanted them there, not for the father that she would be invited in.

When I said its his day too, I in no way meant to criticize you. It was a tongue in cheek statement. When you are in labor, nothing is about him. Once baby comes and everyone is recovered slightly, then it can be about him a little.

mrscasey306 · March 2015

@imk115. You didn't offend me

just saying I know I'm hormonal lol

lmk115 · March 2015

Also something you might want to show your husband- On the Dads and Dads to be section there is a question on who gets to be in the room. One of the questions specifically ask who gets to vote on who is in the room- EVERYONE answered "My wife" haha!

Whether you show it to him or not, you can at least feel good about your stance! It should be your choice!

sacottrell16 · March 2015

I have asked my fiance to ask his mom to be there. I honestlu want someone I trust there and she's one of those women who r straight forward. My hunny is kind and doesn't like tobe outspoken so if she's there and I want something asap and he don't wanna be rude, she can get it done!!

mrscasey306 · March 2015

@sacottrell16... That's awesome if you have that kind of relationship with your mil .i don't have that type of relationship with mine

sacottrell16 · March 2015

I'd tell her straight up to get lost.
You didn't need her assistance or presence making the baby so you don't need it bringing baby into the world.
Show her now where her limits are before its to late.
If daddy doesn't want to comply, simply tell him if he wants her in there watching the most intimate moment together, you will just go ahead and give her a detailed description of how it happened that night 9 months ago. Trust me he will be blowing her phone up feeling her she can't be there

ChasityDB · March 2015

My mil was in the delivery room when my daughter was born. She stayed at my head and was just there in case my husband got woozy. He is not good with blood and what not. However me and my real mom have no relationship at all and my mil is very nurturing and the sweetest woman I know. not to mention she's had 5 babies. And her being there really helped my husband. He also has history with panic attacks & having someone else there really helped calm him. I know that I am a rare case ! I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this ):

kjuryfl · March 2015

It's things like this that make me happy that A) my MIL has already said that she has does not plan to be at the hospital until we say to come up and

that all of my family lives across the country. My MIL has been my motherly figure since I was 14. We are extremely close but I do not plan to have her in the delivery room.

I can see why your husband is upset about offending his mom but honestly it sounds like he needs to cut the cord from her a bit. This is a very personal and special time that is between you and your DH. People get so excited about new babies (understandably.. They are awesome!) and sometimes forget about common courtesy. I think that you and your DH should sit down and have a rational conversation about it without anyone being attacked.. Which is hard when we are so far along and hormonal. Maybe set up a plan for her to come up when you are X centimeters and explain that you both would like to spend some time bonding your baby before guests start rushing in.

malteserlady · March 2015

I'm a FTM as well. My boyfriend had just assumed that his mum would be present at the birth until we talked about it. He didn't mean any harm, I think he was just naive about how intense labouring and birth can be, perhaps your husband is the same? There is nothing dignified about giving birth. Sorry to be graphic, but I had to explain to my boyfriend that I didn't want his mum to see me butt naked and potentially pooing myself while squeezing a watermelon out of my burning bleeding vagina. He got the message. If it was the other way around and it was the men giving birth, I doubt they would appreciate our mothers watching. Good luck though, it sounds like your best bet is to have your husband sternly tell his mum that it needs to be private

70point3 · March 2015

Agree with PP. This is an easy answer. Tell her tough shit, this is your delivery and your rules. Any extra stress or tension is just going to make it painful for you - physically!

Or you could do what I did; move to another country! There will be no one in the delivery room but my fiancée and doula. And the whole family will get the same exact Viber message once kiddo arrives so there aren't any "favorites" on who heard first.

mrscasey306 · March 2015

It's just sooo frustrating for me because she did not want a relationship and after I got pregnant she all of a sudden wanted to be besties lol . And I have been the bigger person I've invited her to go shopping... Look at furniture ... Drs appts etc and she's always to busy . I'm just a firm believer in ok your busy but you make time for what's important . And it's so irritating to me that she blames everything on the my brother/sister in laws . My mother is raising my niece and nephew ( my sister passed away almost 7 years ago) but my niece has a crazy rare terminal illness that requires a lot of care , drs appts etc. And she still managed to coordinate a baby shower , make my daughters baby bedding because I couldn't find anything I liked .get the nursery together after I got put on bed rest , take me to appts cuz I can't drive right now I could go on .

Also she told my husband that she's heartbroken because I don't want her in the room during delivery ( she's not my mom I won't apologize for that ) and because my mom gets to do everything with olivia (my unborn baby ) lol but like I said she does not make time when we try to include her .and the only person who really gets to do things with my daughter is me because hello she's not born yet! Lol .

I'm willing to compromise I told my husband she can come after the epidural . But will not be allowed in the room during delivery .im not sorry for having a good relationship with my mom though and wanting her there during delivery

lmk115 · March 2015

Be careful she(and maybe even hubby) might be counting on once she is in, you won't actually kick her out. And it sounds like you might not be able to depend on your husband stepping up and doing it that day. Just make sure you have the experience you want/need; it's not about anyone else.

mrscasey306 · March 2015

I'll just tell the nurse in advance I'm sure they have lots of experience lol .

Mother in law in delivery room

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