I need advice re: Grandma

AmberM2013 · March 2015

My DD is 5 years old. When she was little we lived with my parents for about a year and a half and my mother grew a very strong bond with her. (I have since gotten married and had another child.) She picks up DD almost every Friday after school and then brings her back home Saturday morning/afternoon (DS is still too little for sleep overs at grandma's). I love how much my mother loves my child but I am starting to feel as though she thinks DD is hers. She is constantly questioning my parenting style and pushing advice even if it is not asked for. And if I do not follow said advice she takes offence. Serious offence, like asking if i thought she was a bad mother. Mind you, she was a great mom.

DD started Kindergarten back in August, gained a new brother and has now developed a horrible attitude. So, things have been rough at home as I am trying to find the most effective way to parent MY CHILD. Since I am very close to my mom and I do not have very many girlfriends I call my mom to vent...about DD, work, DH, housework, etc. My mother has called me a Drill Sargent, thinks I am too hard on her, and says I am too critical. She says I never have positive things to say about DD, but I do not feel this is true. I call and tell her everything exciting/good going on in DD's life. I love my DD with everything I am. I just feel my mother should be there as a listening ear, as she is still my parent.

Also, when my mother is around and DD is misbehaving or snapping at/disrespecting my mom, I immediately try to correct her and my mother does one of two things, she will either roll her eyes while making comments under her breath or she will tell me to stop it so she can handle it. I believe that I am the parent and should not have to bite my tongue when it comes to my child, NO MATTER WHAT.

Am I wrong for feeling that way? Should my mother be my supporter and remember that she is still my parent? How would you handle this?

Ps. DD is not being abused or neglected in any way (has been spanked 2 times ever) and she is a very loved and cared for little girl

Thank you for you help in advance ladies!

Perfect Sonnet · March 2015

I also have a close relationship with my mom, but also kind of complicated in the same ways you describe. I also call her to talk about everything going on with me. She similarly annoys me at times with her comments and assumptions. Honestly, the best for me to handle my mom at times like this is to pull back a little. A little space really makes me feel better when I feel like she is being overbearing. It also helps me stay less annoyed and upset when she does those types of things.

As far as the comments and eye rolling, I would definitely say something. Just have a talk with her to tell her that you feel like she undermines you when she does that. You are your daughter's mother and while grandma has a special relationship with her, which is awesome, it is ultimately still your call to discipline and direct her.

Good luck!

VOR · March 2015

You can't have it both ways, honestly. She's super involved in your life and clearly has a vested interest in your DD, but then you want her to just back off totally and be "your parent and supporter". IDK. I think that's unrealistic, TBH.

Your mom sounds very opinionated. You need to work with WHO she is, not who you WANT her to be. She's not going to sit quietly and just listen. I don't know how to verbalize this, but I actually find your comments
about her needing to remember she's your parent, how she's "still your
parent" kind of odd. I don't know what being a "parent" has to do w/
being a good listener. You seem to have some pre-defined notion of what being a parent of a grown adult is supposed to be.

However, even before I got to your expectations of her, I was already thinking that you need to stop sharing with her. I get it that you feel like you don't have anyone else, but - it just doesn't seem like your mom is really the right person.

Plus also- do you know how tiring it is to listen to someone vent and you either don't say anything but have to listen to it over and over OR you try to help, try to give advice, but then it's clear that the person doesn't want solutions? It gets old after awhile.

2-Step · March 2015

It sounds to me like your mother is being your mother and not your best friend. That is not a bad thing, it just is what it is. She is trying to help you by telling you how to do things. That is what parents do. Best friends commiserate, give you unconditional support and are your partners in crime. I'm not saying a parent can't be both, but it sounds like YOUR particular parent can't. You need to find someone else to lean on with your problems. I know it is tough but as long as you keep presenting her with problems she will see you as incapable at solving them. Show her you have a handle on the situation, take charge and handle it. Practice speaking only positively to her for a couple of weeks. Be the confident parent you know you are. See how that goes.

My dad is the exact same way. He is a fixer. I've learned that unless I really want an ear full of advice, not to even bring up a problem with him because he will give it to me over and over until I act on it. It's his way of being a good parent to me, even at this age. I now choose to engage with him about other topics, or problems that aren't significant or related to my children, unless I am absolutely sure I want his advice.

I'm sure she loves you 100% and is trying to help. I don't think the parent switch turns off as easily for some people as it does for others. I think the power is in your hands to have her stop interfering. You don't have to stop sending your DD there, but you do have to stop leaning on her as an ear to spill all of your problems/stresses etc. Maybe try joining a mommy group and reach out to find another key support system for those things. You set your own boundaries, and by giving her all that information about your life and problems you are only inviting that type of relationship with someone like her.

bublesmiled · May 2015

I understand your situation completely. My folks moved in 2 1/2 years ago due to Hurricane Sandy. In the beginning it was great to have a live in baby sitter and extra set of hands, but it's been slowly changing. Now my mom questions every thing I do with my daughter, what I'm sending for lunch, every time I purchase something extra from the store, how late I let her stay up, to how she gets disciplined. It's getting a little old. There are times I end up yelling at her out of frustration that this is my child; she raised 3 good kids, she taught me how to be a good mom, but now it's my turn. She'll get attitudey and go sit in her room (reminds me of a teenager) until she calms down. It will get better for a few days, then it will happen again. Unfortunately all you can do is talk to her, and let some of it go. What I would suggest when you have to talk to your daughter is do it in another room, this way you are away from everyone. You'll probably keep calmer during the situation because you won't feel your mom's eyes on you. Good luck.

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