Horrible Mother-In-Law ... Possible Family Drama -- How to Avoid!?

amandamae85 · March 2015

While admittedly this is very premature, I'm curious about a situation I know will arise and how other mommies have handled their similar problems.

I've written in previous posts that my mother-in-law and I are not close .. at all. My husband is not close with her either. We try to keep her out of our lives as much as possible, but she always causes major drama and huge fights before functions and holidays. These fights always consist of her being "treated unfairly", not getting as much time with us as my mother, his father, his father's family, etc. My DH's parents are divorced and we've remained very close to his father's side. She resents us for that. We're also very close with my parents, another source of contention. So because of her cruel and immature behavior, we often choose to spend our holidays and time with other family members.

Well .. when it comes to family functions; she always acts out. It's a given. She even started a physical altercation at her daughter's baby shower with the mother-in-law. She knows NO bounds! She needs to be the center of attention, ALWAYS. I won't have it. I don't want her to be a part of my baby-shower. Why should I have someone who hates me take any part in planning this extremely wonderful day?? She's been horrible to me and my mother and I don't want her to sully this experience for us and my DH. Should I say nothing and just have my mom send out the invites - rendering her just another guest? Should I give her some stupid menial task like making lollipops or something?

Also .. I don't want her at the hospital when I'm delivering. Is it really wrong to not call her until after the baby is born to avoid the stress? Plus.. the thought of her sitting next to my parents for hours make me mad. I don't want her ruining their eager anticipation either. I'm very protective over them. I'm not 100% sure how my husband will react to this part -- I don't want to bring it up and let him know how nuts I'm being; thinking of this 8 months in advance!

And holidays moving forward??? Omg .. I can feel my stress level rising! Please share your experiences with your awful MILs!

KLopez33 · March 2015

Holy ... Do we have the same MIL?? Seriously?!? My MIL is awful. She is hateful and on top of it all she is an alcoholic.
We have already decided to not tell her until I am 14 weeks when we tell everyone else. My parents already know.
If your husband is on board with what you are choosing to do, then I say do what you feel is right. It's not fair to you to have to stress about it and for her to ruin such special life moments.
My MIL has crossed so many boundaries in our life she knows that the special moments are no longer hers to sabotage.
Good luck! I say do what feels right for you, the hubby and the baby!

Carmofrap · March 2015

We didn't tell anyone I was in labor till our lil man arrived. And certainly no one not even my family would have been welcome to be there when I was in labor. I had our kid at home but I don't think that would have changed in the least if I'd been in a hospital. I didn't let anyone come see my baby for the first three days either.

As for the rest it's still months out, you may find your feelings change and you don't care as much but if having her at your shower is going to ruin it than don't have her. But honestly considering you won't be hosting your own shower (or I imagine you won't be anyway) You may not even be able to keep her from being invited. And if she's being obnoxious I find honesty fixes things a lot faster than avoiding the problem and trying to hide from people.

bntfroggie · March 2015

I'm not sure if your up for it, but to be fair I would make the delivery about you, DH, and baby. So maybe not have anyone sitting there waiting for you and when you are ready for people give everyone a call. As for the shower, I would just make her another guest.

intheversa · March 2015

I am slightly in your boat but no where near as stressful. I am trying to have a good relationship with my in-laws, but sometimes it's very hard. My MIL gets mad when she doesn't have the majority of the holidays with us. They don't speak to their extended family and I have a huge family. When my DH left the room at Christmas two years ago she told me that I needed to learn to give up seeing my extended family during the holidays and only make time for my parent's and them. She also made it clear that she wants our kids for the entire Christmas Day every year. My DH doesn't see or believe any of this. I have a nervous breakdown over every holiday.

So I'm going to tell you what I am telling myself. We are the parents, we are giving birth to these children, therefore we have final say. We're already arguing over telling people, the nursery, and whether or not I'm working after. All of those things are your decision. If you don't want her at the hospital until after that's your right. I don't want them at the house on our first day home, that's our right and our decision. Trust me I'm getting tons of pushback already, but that's my decision and no amount of harrassment or adult tempor tantrums (trust me I've dealt with them) are going to get me to change my mind.

You can't change her. Not inviting her to the shower is going to be a tough decision too. But you can control how often she's in your life. And I hate to say it, but if she demands to know why you're cutting her off, tell her exactly how she's acting. She may not respond well, but that may be what she needs to learn her place in all this. Good Luck!

gerbies · March 2015

I don't think any of your thoughts are nuts at all. I am lucky to have pretty normal, "boring" in-laws. However, if I was dealing with what you described, I would tell my mom or whomever was planning the shower that she not be invited. If she feels the need to throw you a shower, so be it. But for your family and friends, just have it with those you love.

In terms of delivery, I would not share that you are in labor. I would call people after the baby is born. For your parents, I would just tell them via phone and ask them to stay home. Just make it about you, your husband and baby.

lilmagic00 · March 2015

I have a couple people who I wouldn't mind NOT inviting to any important/significant event, but it would definitely hurt some folks feelings so because it is the RIGHT thing to do they will get an invite. But, secretly I'm hoping they don't come....you are NOT ALONE [-X

AnnikaD20 · March 2015

My Mom is the one with boundary problems in my family, although a lot less intense than what you're describing. We decided not to tell anyone I was in labor until after the baby was born because of her. It's going to be harder this time, cause we're going to need someone to watch DS while we're at the hospital. But I'm still planning to keep her as uninvolved at the hospital as possible. And there is no way in hell she's going to be allowed in the room. She stresses me out and I don't need that during labor.

Some people like having delivery be pretty private, some people want a larger support team there, but you don't have to have anyone there who you don't want. Only invite people who you know will be supportive and who you are comfortable being with in a very physically intense and emotionally vulnerable state. Your MIL obviously does not qualify.

As far as the shower, my bff hosted it for me, and every time my Mom wanted to get involved I would say that bff was in charge of all shower planning and to ask her. Maybe whoever is hosting your shower would also be willing to run interference for you.

Baby&Ash · March 2015

Hunny, I'm the same last year after living with my MIL and partner her kicked us out of a cold raining night after 3 months we found our own home but everything that happened we no longer talk to her. She used to bully me when we was alone and push me out when her daughters were there the night she kicked us out she had drank drank a whole bottle of vodka we went back the next day to get our passports and a few clothing clothing items we could carry in a bag we walked in and there was blood everywhere we then called my partners sister and it turns out she had hit her head off the door and side and tried to say we beat her up (I couldn't batter a fly im a wimp) she'd lied and made us out out to be the bad people we have told parents and stuff that we're pregnant like we did when we got engaged but both time we haven't told her and don't intent to tell her to have her meeting our child because I will not risk her hurting my child like she hurts her own children or her other grandchildren

danixbanani24 · March 2015

Ugh I have a pretty terrible MIL too. She's already started making comments on my weight and being healthy during pregnancy. She has always made off color remarks about me but I told my husband he better nip it in the bud now because I will not tolerate this during my pregnancy. She's rude abrasive and has no filter. Ugh anyway I know it doesn't sound as bad as your situation but you aren't alone. You should stand your ground and be clear about how you feel. You need to be stress free during this time and just say what you need in order to do that.

ruthsurface · March 2015

Yikes... My parents are recently separated and there is lots of family drama there. Hoping everyone will put some grown up panties on and not be dramatic around the baby when he/she arrives.

Chippercjm · March 2015

From reading your post, I can only give you two good pieces of advice that helps with ANY toxic relationship. 1) set your own healthy boundaries for YOU and your husband together. I've always had a rule that my husband deals with his family and I deal with mine. 2) you can't control how other people respond or react to her (like your parents) so trying to manipulate when or if she's at the hospital when they are to protect them will only wear you down... As other similar confrontational situations will follow the hospital, like first birthdays, holidays, etc. leaving you anxious, exhausted, and overwhelmed. So what do you do? Refer to 1).
Great book called BOUNDARIES. Check it out!

lanaloulittle · March 2015

My MIL is crazy. Her daughter doesn't talk to her, so that only leaves my husband. She is acting like this is her first grandchild. Got upset she couldn't tell people... I am only 6 weeks and haven't even told my whole family, so I didn't think she should get to tell everyone she thinks is important. We have already decided that our children won't be left alone with her, ever. No reason for them to be. She creates unsafe situations and my parents are just up the road and she isn't. You have to make decisions with your husband about her, and I think that making them sooner rather than later is important.

inkedgirl13 · March 2015

My MIL was going to throw me a wedding shower because she felt like she needed to. (This was my second marriage and we were already living together over a year) after having a heated argument about her bringing a one year old dress shopping with us she stomped her feet and held her breath like a two year old and decided she was going to cancel the shower. Hubby and I didn't want to deal with the stress so we canceled the wedding and got married at our favorite fishing spot!

vamomtobe · March 2015

Sorry, that sounds so stressful! I don't have family drama anywhere near that level of crazy, but in dealing with my own family dynamic issues, I found that being a mom and having my own family was sort of empowering. I stopped worrying about pleasing everyone and how different sides of the family might react, and focus on what I need to get done for my family. Of course I still try to keep in mind sensitivities and try to avoid total disaster-type situations, but priorities shift once you've got a baby to raise! I wouldn't waste any more of your time or emotion on someone who is out to cause trouble. If you don't want her at your shower, it's up to you and your husband if you don't want her there. Your child's birth is a special moment that belongs to you and your husband, and you can invite whoever you want to be there. Yeah, she'll be pissed, but maybe she'll learn to behave if she wants to be included.

amandamae85 · March 2015

Thanks for all of the very kind and helpful words! You've all definitely pointed me in the right direction. There's no getting around her bad behavior, but setting boundaries for DH and myself is the most important. We can't please everyone all the time and it's important we stand up for these important milestones in our lives so we can enjoy them to their fullest! And it's nice to know so many of you are supportive of putting my foot down

I do want my parents at the hospital with us -- I'd love for my mom to be a part of that excitement. But that's it. My husband's family will be invited to the hospital the next day. I think that will work great for us.

And I'm glad to hear I'm not the only with with a horrible MIL! What a headache!

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