I'm pregnant & my sister miscarried

RebeccaThornton · March 2015

I'm 15 weeks pregnant and my sister in law (we're more like real sisters) miscarried at 6 weeks. This makes her second miscarriage. She lives in another state and we usually talk everyday, but since the miscarriage she won't talk to me. She has talked to my husband (her brother) and her dad ( her mom passed 4 mths ago), but Im staring to feel like she won't talk to me because I'm pregnant. This is my first pregnancy and I've never miscarried. I honestly have know idea what she is going through and I really just want to tell her that I'm always here for her when she's ready to talk. Has anyone had an experience like mine? How did you deal? Should I try to connect with her or wait and give her the space she needs? I'm feeling guilty, because she and her husband have been trying again for a year for this one and my husband and I got pregnant right away. I don't know what to do, I just miss her.

Lovemyboys0312 · March 2015

I would definitely let her know that you are thinking about her and you're always there is when she's ready to talk. I know it's different, but my best friend found out she miscarried 3 days after we found out I was pregnant. I ended up not telling her about myself u til I was about 10 weeks because I wanted to support her through her hard time. It was devastating for her when I told her I was pregnant. She was genuinely happy for us, but it hurt. And I totally understood that. I told her I didn't expect her to jump up and down and cheer for me, and that if she didn't want to talk about it, that I was ok with that. I'm 15 weeks now and she's just now coming around.im sure your sister in law is feeling the same way. She will come around when she is ready, and when she does, let her know you understand her distance. She just needs time and space to grieve. I'm so sorry you are all going through this. Many many thoughts

Lovemyboys0312 · March 2015

I would definitely let her know that you are thinking about her and you're always there is when she's ready to talk. I know it's different, but my best friend found out she miscarried 3 days after we found out I was pregnant. I ended up not telling her about myself u til I was about 10 weeks because I wanted to support her through her hard time. It was devastating for her when I told her I was pregnant. She was genuinely happy for us, but it hurt. And I totally understood that. I told her I didn't expect her to jump up and down and cheer for me, and that if she didn't want to talk about it, that I was ok with that. I'm 15 weeks now and she's just now coming around.im sure your sister in law is feeling the same way. She will come around when she is ready, and when she does, let her know you understand her distance. She just needs time and space to grieve. I'm so sorry you are all going through this. Many many thoughts

Miz_Liz · March 2015

I would send her an email or a text just letting her know that you are thinking of her and that you are there for her but that you also understand that it is hard for her right now since you are pregnant and that you respect that she may need some space to grieve right now. I wouldn't be too pushy, just let her know you love her, you miss her, and you are thinking of her.

Kath1083 · March 2015

@Miz_Liz I completely agree! I had a miscarriage in September and I feel like I'm still getting over it. I'm 18 weeks pregnant but it dosent nessicarily miss the first baby less. Last week I realized my shower would be coming up and my original due date is now next month. We have a friend who is due right when we were due and I hid her on facebook and have been avoiding them it is a hard reminder. My point is this miscarriages suck and the healing is different for everyone. Your sister in law is lucky to have you and with time things get better.

RebeccaThornton · March 2015

Thank you everyone. I sent her a text telling her that I love her and I'm here for her.

GirlOnTheBeach · March 2015

I went through a couple years of ttgp and had two miscarriages before this pregnancy, one of which was two cycles before getting pregnant this time around. With that miscarriage, my best friend called me to tell me (days after my bleeding stopped) that she was pregnant. I was so happy for her but it sucked knowing that my baby would've been due just a week or so before hers and now mind was gone. It was hard to talk to her on the phone because I had to pretend to be all excited when really, I was still grieving. She would call or text me to check up on me but really, I just needed to talk to people who weren't pregnant at that time.

I love that you care so much about your sister in law to ask for help on reaching out! I would definitely text or email her. Tell her you are thinking about her, that you are there for her. Tell her how much you love her and that you're available whenever she wants to talk. I would NOT mention your pregnancy in that message, or hint that it may be the reason for her distancing you. All that does is remind her that you're pregnant and she's not. I know that's not your intention, but grief plays with people's minds and hearts. Just keep that message about her ;-)

It took a little while but I came around and felt more comfortable talking to my friend about her pregnancy. I just needed a little time to process everything. Your sister in law may be that way too. After a couple weeks of being back in touch with my friend, I got another bfp and now we talk even more.

queendenisek · March 2015

I was in your sister's position back in June. My best friend and I were pregnant at the same time and I miscarried at 6 weeks after 2 years of fertility treatments. It was the most difficult thing in the world (aside from my mother passing away the year before). I needed space until I was ready to deal with it and cope with it. It took time, but I came around when I was ready and now everything is fine. Let her know you love her and you're there for her but give her the space she needs.

kelseyrayay · March 2015

Me and my sister are the same. She was pregnant before but lost her baby. But I was able to get pregnant right away and I'm at 16 weeks. I got married in November by December I was pregnant. She has a condition called endometriosis where it makes it almost impossible for her to have kids at all. I was so worried about telling her when I was pregnant because I was so scared she was going to be upset. She wanted to have the first gran babies and such it just didn't work that way. But eventually she came around. It will just take time.

sjra1028 · March 2015

I've been on the other side of the fence with my 2 miscarriages. I had two close friends get pregnant at the same time, and both times I miscarried. I can see why she may want a little distance. I did the same thing. She'll come around though, and when she does, just show your support and love for her.

WDDCH · March 2015

I was in her shoes. I miscarried twice, both times pregnant and due the same time as my SIL. All you can do is let her grieve and give her time. You must realize that it isn't you. I'm sure she loves you but she just isn't sure how to process this and wants to be excited for you but isn't sure how to do that in her grief. Please don't take it personal. Maybe send her a card and tell her that you know she needs space, that you love her and that you're here for her when she's ready.

Thank you for taking time to ask what you can do for her. Loss, no matter how early, is devastating. My babies are mine the moment they're conceived. Losing two of mine tore my heart apart. Seeing pregnant women was really hard for me; not because
of who the person was but because it reminded me of what I was missing. It hurts, a lot.

fowlerpfs · March 2015

Miz_Liz said:
I would send her an email or a text just letting her know that you are thinking of her and that you are there for her but that you also understand that it is hard for her right now since you are pregnant and that you respect that she may need some space to grieve right now. I wouldn't be too pushy, just let her know you love her, you miss her, and you are thinking of her.

I completely agree with this! One of my closest friends had 3 miscarriages (right before and 2 during) at the beginning of my 1st pregnany. She wouldn't really talk to me until about the time he was born and then came to the hospital to visit us. About 5 years later, she wrote me a long email telling me how much she appreciated my friendship and that I cared about her feelings during that time. We are closer now than before.

kmbeyl · March 2015

I think you did the right thing. When i miscarried this past May, my cousin told me the same week that she was pregnant. We grew up extremely close, went to the same grade school and high school. I told her how happy I was for her and her husband, and I definitely had to hide how much watching her go through the process brought back painful memories. She reached out a few times and it honestly made me feel so much better knowing that she understood why I needed some space. You definitely did the right thing!

jenandbrett · March 2015

I know this is a really hard place to be. My SIL amd I have always been super close and when my son passed away, she had a 5 week old. I wasn't able to be around her without immense pain for a long time. What she could have provided (but didn't) was love and support even when I couldn't reciprocate. I would have really appreciated texts and emails showing her love or that she was thinking of me at a random time. I know the distance was really hard on her, but for me, I felt so alone. I needed her desperately but couldn't tell her bc when we did talk, it was up to me to be the strong one. Several people text me heartfelt messages during that time and told me at the end they expected no reply. That meant a lot. I know this is really hard on your end and I could see that in my SIL. Trust me, she is hungry for that normal, too, but can't find normal in anything right now. And the most important part is that you be a listening ear when she is able to talk. Don't reply with cookie cutter answers, just listen.

dkizz82 · March 2015

I've miscarried and my best friend has had multiple miscarriages. I told
Her I was pregnant in December and we haven't seen each other or talked since. It breaks my heart but since I do know how it feels I just give her her space. She'll come around one day.
Good luck! You're both in a difficult position.

jesicabrennan · March 2015

Please don't push her and please don't be offended. After my miscarriage pregnant people were HARD to be around, it was like a knife to the heart. Everyone handles their miscarriages differently so maybe she'll come around sooner rather than later, but please give her the space she needs. Also be very aware that things may get more difficult as your belly grows and you become obviously pregnant if she doesn't achieve another pregnancy quickly. It will be a constant visual reminder of her own infertility. It's awful, it's so hard. And if you do speak to her please don't mention your baby, your pregnancy or her miscarriage AT ALL, let her bring up those topics. Tough situation for all involved, good luck.

RebeccaThornton · March 2015

My SIL also has endometriosis, the doctors are saying that it was the cause of the miscarriages. She is only 22, but they tell her she needs to continue trying while she is young.

RebeccaThornton · March 2015

Thank you everyone! I did not realize so many people have gone through the same situation. There is comfort in knowing that we are not alone in our struggles. It's really tough being away from her, because she is in Texas and I'm in Georgia. She has no family there with her, but her husband. I have texted her to let her know I am here when she is ready to talk and that I love her deeply. Thanks again everyone for your advice and kind words.

SassetteSmurfling · March 2015

I've been on both sides of this and it is just really hard all the way around.

My cousin and I were pregnant together and due about 2 weeks apart. I lost that baby around 10 weeks. For me the hardest part was going to her shower and watching all of our family happy and celebrating her and her baby. It literally broke my heart all over again. Honestly our relationship has never been quite the same since then.

On the flip side, my best friend and I were pregnant together also. We were due about 1 month apart. She lost her baby at 22 weeks and was in the ICU for over a week and almost died herself. I didn't know what to do. I needed to go see her because we didn't know if she was going to make it, but I didn't want me and my pregnant belly to upset her. I reached out to her mom to feel out the situation and her mom encouraged me to go see her in the hospital, which I did. For the remainder of my pregnancy I never brought up myself or my baby, but I would try to just act normal when she would ask me anything. It took her almost a week to come see me and my baby after he was born, which was completely understandable. Even now she tends to just stop by for his birthday parties and leaves pretty quickly, which is fine. She loves my son, but I let her do everything in her own time with him.

jlsweets · March 2015

While not in the exact same situation, similar. My one sister (also my best friend) has been trying to get pregnant for 2 years, after finally doing a lot of testing they found out that her husband is sterile. When I found out I was pregnant in November (which was right after she was delivered with the horrible news) she sobbed when I told her. My other sister is also pregnant so two of sisters pregnant at the same time. Before that we talked everyday, I knew I had to give her time. I never forced anything on her but would constantly send her cards letting her know I was thinking of her and there for her when she ready. It took a couple months but she has grieved and finally things are back to normal. As everyone else has said, just respect her time in grieving and know that she really isn't angry or upset with you.

Suzanne237 · March 2015

It really sucks finding out you are pregnant so early. 6 weeks is like if we didn't have such good HPTs we'd never have known. This happened to me once and at 6 wks was no baby in sac went back at 8 wks all was gone. So it does suck and I do consider it a miscarriage. But really this probably happens so often and we don't know we are pregnant. I feel bad for her I hope she realizes it's ok and doesn't mean she can't get pregnant. Here I am baby #2. She just needs some time cause I'm sure she wants one so bad. I was in her shoes once. But when she does get pregnant and it sticks she will love that baby so much and realize yes it sucks she lost the others at 6 wks but she wouldn't have this boy/girl if she did have that one. It all works out. Hugs to everyone.

schup156 · March 2015

Not exactly the same situation, but my step sister found out about 5 years ago that her and her husband would be unable to conceive after trying for 2 years. They chose to adopt and were blessed to adopt a little baby girl when I was about 8 weeks pregnant. I originally had felt guilt about being pregnant when I knew they wanted a baby so bad, and I was beyond excited for them when they told us the news. Well after having their little girl home for 21 days, the birth father and his family decided that they wanted to keep the baby. In the state of WI birth parents can change their mind up to 28 days after. It was like a death in our family and completely devastating for my sister and brother-in-law who had already experienced so much heartache. I felt even more guilt about my pregnancy and had absolutely no idea how to speak to them and just dreaded saying or doing the wrong thing. I somehow felt like even by being around them I was rubbing my pregnancy in their face. My sister had the most difficult time and we had little contact during my pregnancy, I decided to giver her space and simply let her know that if she ever needed me to simply listen that I was there. I avoided discussing anything pregnancy or baby related unless she brought it up. After my daughter was born, my sister was still very distant. Then her baptism came and I was worried I wouldn't have much family there (all other siblings live out of state) but understood if she couldn't bring herself to come. Well I was beyond surprised when they arrived and even more so when she asked to hold her (until then she hadn't). It was amazing to see my daughter melt her heart and just a week after her baptism my sister made the decision to try the adoption process again. They now are the parents of the most adorable little boy and our children love getting to play together. My sister has told me that she regrets how withdrawn she was, but I have assured her that I certainly understood and hold zero ill feelings. She has thanked me for giving her space but making sure I let her know I was there.

rizzo215 · March 2015

It's a really tough thing to go through. My SIL and I got pregnant at the same time but I ended up losing mine to Trisomy 15. I didn't shower for a few weeks (gross, I know) but it was my second miscarriage and I could barely function. I literally didn't speak to her for two months and then after that only through text while I was sobbing. By around her 6 month mark I was almost back to normal. She ended up having her baby on my due date and while I'm so grateful that I'm pregnant again it's still hard to see them and know that should have been me. Everyone has already said this but give her time and when she starts talking again follow her lead. If she doesn't bring up your pregnancy, don't bring it up. If she asks how your pregnancy is going don't use that as a tell all for the last few months, make it short and to the point and then steer the conversation to something else. Chances are she is trying to be polite (I was) and ask about the pregnancy but can't actually handle it and will be grateful your conversation can move on. Now that I'm pregnant she's been really supportive about listening to me discuss every little detail when she's been through it all already.

anbastin · March 2015

I have been on the opposite side. I miscarried twice before my son was born in 2013. The first miscarriage my sister was 3 months pregnant with my niece and the second she was getting induced the next day with my nephew. But I am someone who blocks out my emotions and didnt want to talk about with anyone. She asked me if i was okay being around her and the babies and I said of course. Since I did not have my own yet, I am super close to my niece and nephew! And now I have my little boy and pregnant again. Things will work out.