Birth certificate decision

LeaRose87 · February 2015

Ftm and I am not with the father. He is the definition of a narcissist. I am trying to decide if I should put his name on the birth certificate. I want to make an educated decision that will be best for my child. Any advice?

Shanfrey82 · February 2015

I feel like you should do whatever you feel comfortable doing, maybe do both and only use yours until your child grows up and can make that decision for themselves. It can also be added down the road, my cousin grew up in a similar situation and bonded with his father once he was 16 and some how they were able to legally add his father's last name.

SassFrass · February 2015

I've been in the exact same situation.
I did not put him on the bc...

A word of advise, don't bother with child support. That gives him rights to the child. We had to go to court to terminate his rights even though he wasn't on the bc. 5 years later cuz I was exhausted fighting with him. His cs was suspended and he only owes back support and I cannot wait for it to be done with. Seriously not worth the hassle!

So in the future when you find "the one" and he decides he'd like to adopt said child, it will be much easier not having to terminate rights.

toddabunny · February 2015

If he is the child's father then yes he should be on the certificate,

dwrenn · February 2015

Thanks for posting this question. I am possibly in a similar situation and automatically assumed I would put his name on the BC. Mainly because he is her father. Something to think about.

AshSturgis · February 2015

I was in this situation 5 years ago and my daughter now hasn't seen her father in almost 2 years. We were "together" and I thought he would at least be in her life even if we split. She has his last name and he's on the BC. And now she's confused as to why her last name is different than mine and my now husbands. And since he has legal rights, he won't even consider letting my husband adopt her even though he hasn't seen her in 2 years. Each situation is different, but I would recommend really thinking it over. Also, your child can still have your last name even if he does go on there. You can always add him later and change the name if he really proves to be worthy. I may be jaded, but the sadness that comes from my precious 5 year old is heartbreaking and I would try and save any mother from that. Good luck!

tdart14 · February 2015

Is the father involved with the pregnancy at all, does he know about and want to be involved in the child's life. He is 50% responsible here. And if he wants to be involved I believe he has a right to be. If he doesn't then I see no reason for him to be on the birth certificate.

curlylaura617 · February 2015

I think it varies by state whether or not he would have rights if he is on the bc. I would look into the laws for your state.

carajeanp37 · February 2015

My SO and I are not married, he is here now and involved and doing the best he can, and his name will be on the bc, but the baby will have my last name - it's something I feel really strongly about in case down the line it ends up just being me and my little girl, I want her to share my last name. I think my boyfriends last name will be thrown in there as a second middle name but not really used - obviously I'm hoping we can make it work and that even if we don't he will still be an active part of her life so I do want him represented on the bc.

It's different for everyone, I didn't know that you could change the bc down the line so maybe that is something to consider to give the father a chance to prove himself before he gets represented on there? Definitely lots of things to consider so good luck to everyone going through this!

Cuddles2015 · February 2015

I am in the same situation as you are. I told the father and he said he can't be a father so I have decided not to put his name on the birth certificate!

blankenbakerh · February 2015

If the father is involved now and plans to be involved then I would put him on the BC. I maybe would give the baby your last name though. I would check with the state about your laws and the fathers rights. In some states even if the father isn't listed on the BC he can still have parental rights to the child. I know a girl who was unsure of the father of her baby. So at the time she put her BF and gave the baby his last name without doing a paternity test. The other man who was the possible father of the child took her to court and requested paternity. ( he is a friend of mine) Turns out the baby was his and not the BFs. He was awarded parental rights and visitation to the child. The mom did not get the BC or last name changed. Each state is different. I would probably consult a lawyer on this situation. I would ask things like if he isn't listed will he have parental rights in light of paternity testing? If isn't listed can I come back later and ask for child support should I determine I need it? What is the process if my child decides later they want to legally change their last name to the fathers? A lawyer will be able to provide you information on your state laws and how custody, child support and thing work.

blankenbakerh · February 2015

Edit spelling ^

LeaRose87 · February 2015

I think in florida where I live even if he isn't on the birth cert but paternity is established he has parental rights. His involvement has been on his terms which is hard because of his narcissist personality. He announced he's going to be a father at 20 weeks and hasn't been visibly excited at all. He keeps demanding to have his rights even threatened me with a lawyer if I didn't let him go to the doc appt. everything is an argument with him because he wants everything his way. I want him to be involved. I want him to love and support our child but I am afraid of what will happen once the child is here. And I don't want to have to legally force him to do that. I want the best and healthiest environment for my child.

kw92 · February 2015

I would put the child under your last name.. I am in a huge custody battle over my boys and I know if I wouldn't have put his last name we wouldn't be where we are with this Hassle because he accused me of cheating.. I Would wait..

BrooksManor · February 2015

Sometimes you have to do a paternity test to put them on a bc. I've heard of that once or twice. Not sure if it's true. Me personally I would so they would know who is there birth father but legally it can be not worth the hassle. Like everyone says check your state laws and think it's if it's really worth it.

rosannewild · February 2015

There is nothing to require you give your baby his last name. It may become essentially the name of a stranger with whom your child shares no real ties. Regardless of whether you decide to name the bio father on the bc, give the child your family name. It will be the family he/she lives and thrives in.

dec2018mom · February 2015

My sister in law dealt with the same thing with my brother in law. She thought they were going to make it, but they didn't. She ended up putting him on the birth certificate since they were still together at that point.

From what her lawyer told her...the dad can now come pick the child up and basically police cannot tell him that he can't.
That is just what she told me, so I'm not entirely sure how true it is.
I'd honestly not do it because it could cause complications and you don't want to have to fight him for the child later...he might do that to hurt you.

MrsS728 · February 2015

It's totally a decision that only you can make. I know that my husband and I have had the conversation because our situation is vastly different than most of his families'. I told him that if we weren't married, our babies' last names would be mine. At the end of the day, it's what you feel is best for your child. GL.

FTArmyM · February 2015

Definitely check your state laws...some states will not allow a child to be enrolled in public schools until paternity is established...dont ask me how it works but ive had two gf go thru this in Alabama.

FTArmyM · February 2015

FYI...you can put the father on the BC and file a motion for custody when the child is born. That prevents him just popping up at the school and taking ur child legally.

gflan425 · February 2015

My first child had my last name and her father was never put on the BC. Its totally a decision you're gonna have to make. It worked out well for me because after so many years of never having contact of any kind witg what we joking called, sperm donor, my husband was able to adopt her without any problems and he's the only daddy she's ever known.

leelee72 · February 2015

When I had my first child I put her "biological father" on the birth cert and he has not been involved in her life since she was 1 and is now 16 and hates her last name which is her biological father's and uses my last name on everything. It's more of a hassle to change it once it's on there then to possibly add him later.

backwoodsbarbie2k15 · February 2015

Id say no. Only because if the fathers name is on the bc and he decides to run off with the baby the police cant do anything about it because he is the father! You have to really trust him if your going to put him on there. Personally, i think being on the birth certificate is a privilege.. Not a necessity. Especially for dads who aren't around

kaceyd1990 · February 2015

Ive decided not to put my daughters father on the birth certificate when she is born mainly because he has said he isnt the father so why should he be put on it

sassymama15 · February 2015

SassFrass said:
I've been in the exact same situation.
I did not put him on the bc...

A word of advise, don't bother with child support. That gives him rights to the child. We had to go to court to terminate his rights even though he wasn't on the bc. 5 years later cuz I was exhausted fighting with him. His cs was suspended and he only owes back support and I cannot wait for it to be done with. Seriously not worth the hassle!

So in the future when you find "the one" and he decides he'd like to adopt said child, it will be much easier not having to terminate rights.

Getting a man to pay child support does not give him automatic rights to that child. Courts keep child support and custody/visitation as 2 separate issues. My ex husband had visitation which was taken away from him when he did not see her for 5 years. His claim was that he still should have rights bc he paid support sporadically through the last 2 years of that time period. They told him not to even use child support as a crutch bc it is a sewerage issue. Regardless child support and child custody are totally separate. It is also possible to have a fathers parental rights taken away but still require him to pay support. My daughter is now almost 14, her sperm donor has no rights to visitation without my permission and even if I say yes it has to be supervised, he has no custodial rights, and he is still required by law to pay support...although he doesn't all the time.
Please Learn the laws regarding this in your state, get the support you need and know that it does not automatically give him any parental rights.

cpiganelli · February 2015

It varies by state but in PA the father (if your not married) has to sign stating he acknowledges he's signing the birth certificate. So obvisoulsy if he's not at the birth or doesn't show up while your in the hospital then the name doesn't go on.

freespiritedmama · February 2015

My sister just went through this. She chose to not include the father Bc he had no interest at all. In Georgia where we are located, you can only put the father on the B.C if you are married OR if the father is present and signs an acknowledgement of paternity (is notarized by hospital staff). Then you can choose to complete and sign a legitimization form that gives them parental rights (the same as your rights) without the need for court battles. Most of the unwed mothers I know almost never do the legitimization even if they allow the father on the B.C. But I agree with some of the other moms on here, I would hold off and see how things go. You can always modify the birth certificate with your states vital records dept later if you decide otherwise. I have a few friends that hate that they gave their kids their ex's last names.

sunnysidexup · February 2015

For all the legal issues that have been mentioned above, I wouldn't put him on it. If the school requires it down the line, deal with it then. But as the baby gets older and wants to find their birth father, give him/her that info but let them know they could be different people (in a good or bad way).

AmandaEubanks · February 2015

This question definitely touches home for me. My mom had me at 18 and her and my father only got married bc she was pregnant. She gave me his last name on the birth certificate and then they got divorced 2 years later. I am 26 now and have never had a relationship with my father. Having his last name made things difficult for me in school bc I wanted to go by my stepdads last name but the teachers wouldn't let me. My mom had other children with my stepdad and then I was the only one with a different last name in the house, it made me feel left out and like I didn't belong in the family. When I was 15 I talked with my parents and decided that I wanted to legally change my last name to my stepdads. It cost a lot of money for them to do and involved lawyers and an actual court appearance. It also involved lots of fighting with my father even though he had never been involved in my life. Now as an adult any time I have to use my birth certificate for anything at all I have to show legal proof and court notarized papers of the last name change. To me it's a huge hassle that I don't want to deal with. As a child who grew up with the issue and is still dealing with it as an adult I recommend not putting his name on the birth certificate.

fotocourtney · February 2015

Check your state laws. Just because you don't list him on the birth certificate doesn't necessarily mean he isn't entitled to parental rights.

blitzy23 · February 2015

Each state is different. I'd talk to a lawyer for advice.

SKMotsinger · February 2015

My ex isn't listed on his sons BC but he is supposed to be paying child support which he is not doing. In NC after 6 months of no contact with the child his parental rights can be terminated.

saric83 · February 2015

In the state of FL if you are not married, putting him on the birth certificate does NOT establish paternity. That is an entirely separate form. And the BC is completely different than giving your baby the same last name as the father. I would give the baby your last name, but I would definitely put him on the BC.

A close friend's mom died when she was young, and dad wasn't listed on the BC. Years later when she was an adult and wanted to find her father (for medical history reasons), she had an extremely difficult time and only found him due to some family friends who remembered his name. Hopefully, something like this would never happen, but I do feel like your child has a right to know who their birth father is, and if you chose not to put him on the BC, at least document it somewhere else for them.

pauladuran763 · February 2015

If your boyfriend is going to leave you with al of the work and not take care of his baby then to me he's only a sperm donor and doesn't deserve to be "father" on the birth certificate. Either way you should have your baby have your last name instead of his. B

LeaRose87 · February 2015

My son will have my last name. And the father says he wants to be involved. My son will know his father even if he doesn't stick around to parent. But my concern is putting him on the bc then he doesn't stick around. I'm almost 100% sure I will not be putting him on it. I want his father to be around and bond with him but if he doesn't I don't want any issues down the road making any decisions about my son.

lestes1121 · February 2015

I will add that most states have made it to where the father has to be there to sign the birth certificate when you go to fill it out if your not married. so sometimes you don't have a choice if he isn't around to sign it he doesn't get the opportunity to be on there. But then again every state is different. Best of luck to you!

OohCee · February 2015

Here in Washington state, the mother can't name any guy as the father of the child on the birth certificate. Unless he himself signs or dna testing is done proving paternity through the state or privately, there will be no father named on that certificate.

Birth certificate decision

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