Single Parents

Pregnant Too Soon - thoughts and venting

Not single by status - currently been in a relationship for 8 months. But feeling single in my relationship. Issue is, I will have a baby before we even reach our 1 year anniversary. Of course, our relationship changed drastically - and probably naturally. The excitement of the first three months of a relationship wore off, and while I should have been prepared for the nitty gritty stage of really getting to know someone, I was focused on having the perfect family for my child. Reality has set in, and I realize that my choice to keep this child was probably not the best for the stage of our relationship. It has definitely caused a strain, albeit, my "boyfriend" wants to continue our relationship, move in, and be a family.

My issue is although this is what I previously wanted (before the reality of the stage of my relationship set in), I am not sure if this is what I want. Having this child has fast-forwarded the physical realm of our relationship, but emotionally and mentally, I know that we are only on the beginning stage of our relationship. I don't want moving in with him to place us in a space that causes even more strain because our relationship simply is not ready for it. I want us to be together because that is what we both genuinely want - not just to give our child a proper family. When we talk about it, his reply is of course I want to be with my child. I'm just afraid that in a year or two we would break-up because we moved way too fast.

The decision to have the child has been made. I can not turn back no matter how wrong I feel this decision was now.  And I don't regret my baby or have negative feelings toward her. I just don't know how to move forward in a healthy way, to nurture our relationship in a natural way - if that is even at all possible considering we jumped so many paces. My stance is to try and just focus on me and my child and forget that I'm even in a relationship, and let our relationship progress the way it naturally "should/would" have. But of course its hard!! Because as a pregnant woman in a relationship I naturally want to feel that I am in a loving relationship :/.

I don't even know what I'm asking. Sigh. Thoughts and opinions?

Re: Pregnant Too Soon - thoughts and venting

  • How do you feel about him, and how does he feel about you? 

    You say you don't want to live together. Why not? What would it take to "be ready"? If you're going to break up, you'll break up regardless of whether or not you live together. Barring any domestic violence issues, having him living in the same place as you with a baby will be tremendously helpful because he can be there for night feedings and bathing and doing laundry and all that stuff. 

    That said, if you don't want to be in the relationship anymore because you just don't feel that way toward him then nothing says you HAVE to move in together. As far as jumping a few paces ahead? A baby will certainly do that. They tend to lack a sense of "good timing". ;)

    I'm not saying you have to move in with the guy just because you're having a baby. I'm just saying that if it were me, I wouldn't immediately discount it because things weren't progressing along the same timeline that it would be had I not gotten pregnant. I'm also living proof that you can do EVERYTHING right and still end up a single parent (I was married to my STBXH for 8 1/2 years and together for 13 years when he peaced out). 

    Good luck with whatever you decide.
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  • Agree with JellyBean.  If you aren't ready then you aren't ready.  But after you have the baby comes don't be surprised if you find yourself wanting him there more and more often.  Being a single mom with a newborn is hell with no support.  At some point you'll feel like you'd sell your soul for 4+ measly hours of uninterrupted sleep.  Or someone to do the dishes and laundry.  Or cook a meal.  Or give you just 10 minutes to go pee and take a shower.
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  • MeLove15MeLove15 member
    edited February 2015
    I love him! I want to be with him. I just want to feel that he wants me just as much. He is having a harder time adjusting to our new "family" as we both have other kids. Mine are a little younger than his and my daughter particularly didn't get off to a great start with accepting him in my life. Nonetheless she has come around a great deal in the last few weeks and I know things are turning for the better.

    The reality for me set in because his actions were not corresponding with the way I feel for him and the way I thought he felt about me. He told me he didn't love me and that killed me, because I felt like I was bringing my child into a loveless relationship. He does tell me that he appreciates me, that hes not going anywhere, that that's just where we are in the relationship.

    I was hesitant (still a little) to move in with him because months ago the plan was for him to move in with me. That hasn't happened because he said after that he wasn't ready for such a big move with my kids. He didn't feel he was ready to be around them so much. This came about because he started talking to me about how he was looking into buying a house. From his original description of the house I could tell he hadn't factored in me and my kids being there (size of house). A week after that he's offering for me to stay at one of the apartments on the house. That was my flag. I want to be in his house with him as one family. I appreciated the gesture. But no.

    However, he now is constantly talking about the house and how we are all going to be together (do renovations and make the house and apartment one big house for all of us). I feel much better about it now. Especially with how much he talks about it. But I still just want to be sure its all for the right reasons. I don't want him to feel pressured by me. I do hope what I have said has helped him come to the decsion - but because hr genuinely sees it for his future. Not just what I prefer.
  • tig594 said:

    Agree with JellyBean.  If you aren't ready then you aren't ready.  But after you have the baby comes don't be surprised if you find yourself wanting him there more and more often.  Being a single mom with a newborn is hell with no support.  At some point you'll feel like you'd sell your soul for 4+ measly hours of uninterrupted sleep.  Or someone to do the dishes and laundry.  Or cook a meal.  Or give you just 10 minutes to go pee and take a shower.

    Thanks. It is what I ultimately want. I just believe moving in with my other kids dad while I was pregnant may have been the reason we didn't last. But then again. Maybe not. Maybe it was never going to last anyway.

    Thanks for your responses ladies :)
  • MeLove15 said:
    I love him! I want to be with him. I just want to feel that he wants me just as much. He is having a harder time adjusting to our new "family" as we both have other kids. Mine are a little younger than his and my daughter particularly didn't get off to a great start with accepting him in my life. Nonetheless she has come around a great deal in the last few weeks and I know things are turning for the better. The reality for me set in because his actions were not corresponding with the way I feel for him and the way I thought he felt about me. He told me he didn't love me and that killed me, because I felt like I was bringing my child into a loveless relationship. He does tell me that he appreciates me, that hes not going anywhere, that that's just where we are in the relationship. I was hesitant (still a little) to move in with him because months ago the plan was for him to move in with me. That hasn't happened because he said after that he wasn't ready for such a big move with my kids. He didn't feel he was ready to be around them so much. This came about because he started talking to me about how he was looking into buying a house. From his original description of the house I could tell he hadn't factored in me and my kids being there (size of house). A week after that he's offering for me to stay at one of the apartments on the house. That was my flag. I want to be in his house with him as one family. I appreciated the gesture. But no. However, he now is constantly talking about the house and how we are all going to be together (do renovations and make the house and apartment one big house for all of us). I feel much better about it now. Especially with how much he talks about it. But I still just want to be sure its all for the right reasons. I don't want him to feel pressured by me. I do hope what I have said has helped him come to the decsion - but because hr genuinely sees it for his future. Not just what I prefer.
    image
    He doesn't love you, but he appreciates you? What the fuck does that even mean? He initially plans to move into a house but wants you in a little apartment in the house? 
    image
    How long was it before he factored you and your kids into that house?  He might be talking all about it now, but how long did it take before he really thought about you and your children??

    This guy's actions are just one big red flag to me. And it seems like you're letting him walk all over you. 
    Girl!
    image

    For real.  It sounds like neither of you have your shit together.  I would not even consider moving in with him.  All the right reasons don't seem to be here. Just because you're having a baby, does not mean "welp, guess we have to move in together to be a happy family." I know several people who are in successful relationships, with kids, who don't live together (yet).  And haven't for the entirety of their children's lives (oldest child 6, youngest 4mo).  Don't feel pressured into being in a relationship with someone just because of the baby.  That causes more stress and anxiety and that baby is going to feel it and act out on it.  Trust me.
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  • MeLove15 said:
    I love him! I want to be with him. I just want to feel that he wants me just as much. He is having a harder time adjusting to our new "family" as we both have other kids. Mine are a little younger than his and my daughter particularly didn't get off to a great start with accepting him in my life. Nonetheless she has come around a great deal in the last few weeks and I know things are turning for the better. The reality for me set in because his actions were not corresponding with the way I feel for him and the way I thought he felt about me. He told me he didn't love me and that killed me, because I felt like I was bringing my child into a loveless relationship. He does tell me that he appreciates me, that hes not going anywhere, that that's just where we are in the relationship. I was hesitant (still a little) to move in with him because months ago the plan was for him to move in with me. That hasn't happened because he said after that he wasn't ready for such a big move with my kids. He didn't feel he was ready to be around them so much. This came about because he started talking to me about how he was looking into buying a house. From his original description of the house I could tell he hadn't factored in me and my kids being there (size of house). A week after that he's offering for me to stay at one of the apartments on the house. That was my flag. I want to be in his house with him as one family. I appreciated the gesture. But no. However, he now is constantly talking about the house and how we are all going to be together (do renovations and make the house and apartment one big house for all of us). I feel much better about it now. Especially with how much he talks about it. But I still just want to be sure its all for the right reasons. I don't want him to feel pressured by me. I do hope what I have said has helped him come to the decsion - but because hr genuinely sees it for his future. Not just what I prefer.
    image
    He doesn't love you, but he appreciates you? What the fuck does that even mean? He initially plans to move into a house but wants you in a little apartment in the house? 
    image
    How long was it before he factored you and your kids into that house?  He might be talking all about it now, but how long did it take before he really thought about you and your children??

    This guy's actions are just one big red flag to me. And it seems like you're letting him walk all over you. 
    Girl!
    image

    For real.  It sounds like neither of you have your shit together.  I would not even consider moving in with him.  All the right reasons don't seem to be here. Just because you're having a baby, does not mean "welp, guess we have to move in together to be a happy family." I know several people who are in successful relationships, with kids, who don't live together (yet).  And haven't for the entirety of their children's lives (oldest child 6, youngest 4mo).  Don't feel pressured into being in a relationship with someone just because of the baby.  That causes more stress and anxiety and that baby is going to feel it and act out on it.  Trust me.

    Your memes made me laugh! Thank you.

    Yes - major red flag. That is actually what had me write this post. Honestly, the whole conversation about the house/living situation transpired only over a period of a week or two (with me). I don't know how long he was considering buying a house prior to mentioning (although I did know of this house shortly after he was considering purchasing it) and when his mind changed about moving in with me. I know that he was excited to get my roommate out the house so he could move in, and then two months had gone by and he hadn't moved in. (he IS assisting financially with the payments however). As far as what made him consider us really move in together - I don't know. I did talk to him about giving our child a family, how not living together wasn't assisting us financially, how my kids would adjust to his presence if he was actually around more, etc. Then I dropped it. Soon after he took me out to see the house and gave his proposal - me and my kids living in the apartment downstairs, or putting stairs in to join the two. I simply told him the only way I was coming was if we were together - and ever since his plan has been to put the stairs in.

    I have discussed it with him more. Letting him know that I only want to be there if that is what he truly wants. He insists its what he wants. I also let him know that I try not to think about it, and I find comfort in knowing that it will be a number of months between now and the house actually being ready for us to move in - and that anything can happen between now and then. As far as help with the baby, he has long said that he would stay with me (not move in entirely) when the baby comes. As you have said, I think he does understand that we do not need to live together to give our child a happy home - I think that was more my idea of family, as my parents have been together my whole life - and I lived in the same home until I had my own children.

    As far as the whole I don't love you, I appreciate you thing goes - I don't really know myself. I have read a bunch of relationship articles and found comfort that it takes males 1 - 3 years before "falling in love". So I will just give it time. I feel like had I not been pregnant, I would be more comfortable with where we are in our relationship. Both of us agreeing to have this child made me think we had more than I guess we do. I have questioned him repeatedly about why we are staying in the relationship, why he is with me. Again, he says its what he wants. He's not leaving, doesn't plan on leaving. He appreciates me. He likes the stability, and that I am his child's mother. 

  • Um, this doesn't sound like either of you are IN love with each other.  It kind of sounds like you are making excuses for and questioning a lot of his behavior.  I see red flags all over the place here. 
  • tig594 said:

    Um, this doesn't sound like either of you are IN love with each other.  It kind of sounds like you are making excuses for and questioning a lot of his behavior.  I see red flags all over the place here. 

    Yes.  Loving someone and being in love with someone are two totally different things.  I'd say if he wants to be a part of LO's life, let him, but end the relationship.  Being with someone because you're lonely is rough on your children. I know that sounds kind of harsh, but what I'm reading is that you're lonely and don't know what you want and he's just kind of chugging along thinking "well... things... I suppose we could live together... separately... maybe together one day" which is not healthy.  That environment sounds toxic.
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  • tig594 said:

    Um, this doesn't sound like either of you are IN love with each other.  It kind of sounds like you are making excuses for and questioning a lot of his behavior.  I see red flags all over the place here. 

    Yes.  Loving someone and being in love with someone are two totally different things.  I'd say if he wants to be a part of LO's life, let him, but end the relationship.  Being with someone because you're lonely is rough on your children. I know that sounds kind of harsh, but what I'm reading is that you're lonely and don't know what you want and he's just kind of chugging along thinking "well... things... I suppose we could live together... separately... maybe together one day" which is not healthy.  That environment sounds toxic.
    Thanks. Actually I'm ending it. Well its over. I definatelty wasn't staying with him because I was lonely - I've actually felt more lonely with him then I did before him. I do know exactly what I want from a relationship and I know this hasn't supplied that. I talked to him today and its him who doesn't know what he wants. To be honest seems he wants kids but not relationships :/ I told him when he figures it out let me know. Otherwise I have nothing left to say or give. Thanks for your words.
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