How to deal with going back to work/school after baby

karaelaine1991 · February 2015

Working mommies, I have a question for you! I'm in grad school and will only be taking 2 weeks max off once baby gets here. Taking a semester off is not an option and this is definitely going to be the best move for my family in the long run. But I've been getting very anxious about leaving baby when she's so young. I've had multiple moms tell me how difficult it was to leave their babies - one actually told me it was physically painful for her to do it. I know they mean well, but it's really not helpful. So, my question for you is, what were some things that helped make the transition of going back to work easier for you? And do you have any advice for how to respond to these well-meaning ladies who try to "open my eyes" to the difficulties of being a working mom?

KonaCoffeeBean · February 2015

I don't have advice, but I do want to empathize with you. I'm likely to start going back to work around three weeks. I don't have any maternity leave as I run my own business, and I'm the primary breadwinner for my home. I'm just getting sick to death of all the people telling me "oh that's much too early." Obviously, if I had other options I would utilize them.

karaelaine1991 · February 2015

@KonaCoffeeBean‌ I'm glad to know I'm not the only one going through this! Thanks for chiming in!

dkleid · February 2015

You ladies might want to check with your doctor, most companies (@KonaCoffeeBean i know its going to be different for you since you own your own business) require that you are cleared by your doctor to do anything. Everything that I have read and even talked to my Doctor about said that the earliest they clear people to go back to work is 6 weeks. Just something to keep in mind and to talk to your OB about at your next visit.

karaelaine1991 · February 2015

@dkleid thanks for the advice. I definitely will talk to my doctor, but I'm not going to be able to take 6 weeks off in the middle of my semester... so hopefully everything will go well and I'll be healthy enough to return as planned.

ETA also since I'm a student there are no policies in place on my school's end about when I can return. Basically, if I feel well enough, I'm expected to be there. It sucks, but it's just the way it is!

knwilliams01 · February 2015

Another empathizer here - I will be starting my surgical residency 4 weeks after baby is born with orientation starting 3 weeks after the birth. I have had the same fears and worries about going back so soon, but I have to hope everything will work out.

Katerina&Baby · February 2015

karaelaine1991 said:
@dkleid thanks for the advice. I definitely will talk to my doctor, but I'm not going to be able to take 6 weeks off in the middle of my semester... so hopefully everything will go well and I'll be healthy enough to return as planned.

ETA also since I'm a student there are no policies in place on my school's end about when I can return. Basically, if I feel well enough, I'm expected to be there. It sucks, but it's just the way it is!

@karaelaine1991‌ while your school may not have a policy specific to students who are new moms, they absolutely should have medical leave/absence policies. If I were you, I would talk to your doctor about when you will be cleared to go back to school (likely 6 weeks for vaginal delivery, 8 weeks for c-section) and then explain the situation to your Dean and ask if it's possible for lectures to be video or audio recorded or, at the very least, for your professors to set up a designated student to share their notes with you via email so that you'll be able to keep up with the work while at home recovering. At the end of the day, higher education is a business and it is in their interest that you finish school (more tuition money for them) - they should be able and willing to work with you and, on a personal level, your Dean and professors will be more apt to WANT to help you out if you come to them with a reasonable plan to help you keep up with the work while out recovering. Good luck!

Edit: Even if you are adamant about not taking 6 weeks, it would be helpful to have such a plan in place with your school in the event that you DONT feel well enough to physically attend class right after your self-allotted 2 week window ("hope for the best, plan for the worst" and all that jazz).

karaelaine1991 · February 2015

@Katerina&Baby‌ that's definitely worth looking into. Thanks for the advice!

finchfeeder80 · February 2015

FTM mom here too. I have no advice, and I'm dreading it. I know I will be very very sad.

ksimo6 · February 2015

See if the daycare provider will text pictures or video during the day, I know that helped me a ton when I went back. And feel free to call them!

karaelaine1991 · February 2015

@ksimo6‌ thanks for the tip! I'm really lucky in that my schedule is going to be coordinated so that my husband will be home with her when I'm not (thank God for night, weekend, and online classes!). It won't be difficult at all for him to text me little pictures that I can glance at every so often. I think that will really help!

dancegurl1118 · February 2015

The baby's not even born yet and I already get upset thinking about going back to work. I love my job and would never give it up but the hours are crap and I wish I could just win Powerball and work part time! I will be thinking of you guys going back so early. That will be really tough and I applaud you for doing what's best for your family.

suorange · February 2015

I'm a FTM so I'm mostly going off of other people's opinions, including my doctor's, about how much time I should take off but I always thought that the 4-12 week(ish) time they suggest was so that you can physically recuperate from having given birth, depending on whether it was vaginally or via C section. Honest question: are women ready to be up and around all day comfortably (read: not in pain) after such a short time of only 2 weeks?

sabett · February 2015

Katerina&Baby I completely agree! I'm doctoral student, due June 2nd and will be taking the summer off. I realize that may not be an option depending on your program, but my husband (also a graduate student in veterinary medicine) has had female classmates take a minimum of 6 weeks as well. Often policies aren't well-publicized, but schools are often pretty flexible and can arrange for video-conferencing, alternative assignments, etc., etc. I'd start with your advisor, if you have one, or department chair, and then go to the dean or whomever if you don't get the support you need. Depending on your school, there may be other resources available to parents as well. It's always worth asking!

lola2bee · February 2015

Hi STM here - what helped me is finding a good daycare that I liked (clean, friendly, good atmosphere) and trusting that the people that took care of my son were really partners with me and my husband in those early months. We talked about diet, sleeping, diapers, schedules etc etc... and fine tuned things between us. It wasn't easy at drop off ever but man I sure did love pick ups and seeing his little face. Hope that helps!!!

annatta79 · February 2015

Totally agree with lola2bee. My son loves his daycare and I know he is taken care of and loved and that makes all the difference. He is excited to go in everyday and just as excited when I pick him up. Finding a place you like and are comfortable with is the biggest thing. Try and do a couple of half days if possible before starting full time. Even if you aren't back at work yet, let baby go for half a day so you can both start getting used to it. You will cry. A lot. It is ok. Once you've picked baby up a few times and see that he/she is happy and healthy, it will get easier.

laurendutch · February 2015

suorange said:
I'm a FTM so I'm mostly going off of other people's opinions, including my doctor's, about how much time I should take off but I always thought that the 4-12 week(ish) time they suggest was so that you can physically recuperate from having given birth, depending on whether it was vaginally or via C section. Honest question: are women ready to be up and around all day comfortably (read: not in pain) after such a short time of only 2 weeks?

I carried my twins to 38 weeks and had a csection with a 5 day stay. I actually felt great by the time I went home with just a little soreness and going up and down stairs was a little rough. I felt great by 2 weeks. I will admit that DH was amazing. I think I only changed a few diapers during the first 3 weeks.

I used to work for an university. I live in a population where people get married and pregnant really young. There wasn't a ton of flexibility with professors or the disability office.

ngaines27 · February 2015

suorange said:
I'm a FTM so I'm mostly going off of other people's opinions, including my doctor's, about how much time I should take off but I always thought that the 4-12 week(ish) time they suggest was so that you can physically recuperate from having given birth, depending on whether it was vaginally or via C section. Honest question: are women ready to be up and around all day comfortably (read: not in pain) after such a short time of only 2 weeks?

I was walking the halls of the hospital with minimal discomfort the day after both of my daughters were born. I drove them both to their 5 day bilirubin check ups, as well. I delivered them vaginally with no episiotomy or tears. I'm hopeful delivery # 3 will go just as easily.

karaelaine1991 · February 2015

Update for those who brought up concerns about my early return date: I spoke today with my program advisor, as well as some officials with my school. One of the conditions of the scholarship that makes grad school possible for me is that I'm only allowed to take so many online courses per semester. They're going to waive this limitation for me for the summer and allow me to take all of my courses online! I do still have an internship that will continue in the summer, but my supervisor is very flexible and it's only a 10hr/week commitment, so hopefully my OB will be OK with allowing me to return to that fairly early.

Thanks again for the input!

Katerina&Baby · February 2015

karaelaine1991 said:
Update for those who brought up concerns about my early return date: I spoke today with my program advisor, as well as some officials with my school. One of the conditions of the scholarship that makes grad school possible for me is that I'm only allowed to take so many online courses per semester. They're going to waive this limitation for me for the summer and allow me to take all of my courses online! I do still have an internship that will continue in the summer, but my supervisor is very flexible and it's only a 10hr/week commitment, so hopefully my OB will be OK with allowing me to return to that fairly early.

Thanks again for the input!

That's great news! I'm so glad that they were willing to work with you

karaelaine1991 · February 2015

@Katerina&Baby‌ thank you so much! So am I! As much as I think pregnant women shouldn't be afraid to be their own advocate, I'm really bad about advocating for myself. I hate asking for help and even though this totally merits asking for my school to make an exception, I never would've done it if everyone on here hadn't given me encouragement to do so. So thanks to all of you for giving me the push I needed!

finchfeeder80 · February 2015

I think the hardest thing for me is not the idea of leaving my child with someone else but losing all that time with my child. I mourn so much that I'm having this child just to turn it over to someone else and pay them to raise it. Missing all their firsts, seeing them 2-3 hours per day, it destroys me. And I'm terrified that I won't have a bond with my child because most of it's life it will be in the care of someone else.

I try not to dwell on this. Other working moms say it's not like that. But it was a huge roadblock in my willingness to have a child for a long time.

karaelaine1991 · February 2015

@finchfeeder80‌ that's the hard part for me, too (will still be leaving her for my internship, although for very brief period of time thank goodness!). My consolation is that, in my case, my husband will be the one watching her - so while it'll be difficult for me, it'll be a wonderful opportunity for them to bond. My heart goes out to those of you who will have to rely on daycare when you'd rather be at home with baby!

suorange · February 2015

@laurendutch and @ngaines27 thanks for the insight! I have to say I'm extremely relieved.

@karaelaine1991 didn't mean to hijack your thread! Glad to hear they're willing to be flexible for you.

karaelaine1991 · February 2015

@suorange‌ no worries! I'm glad it was helpful for you, too!

bosleyb · February 2015

With my 5 year old DD I had a vaginal birth and went back to work at 2 weeks. But I was able to bring her with me. I am a solo practicing attorney and the primary breadwinner, so it was necessary for me to go back to work. In fact my secretary was in the delivery room having me sign orders to adjourn hearings as the courts were being ridiculous! So I can completely understand having to go back to work after only 2 weeks. Thankfully though I was able to bring my daughter with me to my office and even court (for short hearings) for 11 months. I would deposit her with one of the clerks of the court and do my hearing. (I only did this in two courthouses that I practice at and she was with the same 4 office clerks). Or I would leave her with my secretary for an hour to run and do a hearing. It allowed me to be with her the majority of the time. It also allowed her to be comfortable being around people and very outgoing and communicative with adults. On my full schedule days she was watched by Grandma. I will likely be doing the same thing with this baby girl. So for those of you who own your own business, if at all possible try to work it out so you can bring your child with you, even if it is just for the first two months (they sleep most of the time anyway).

annatta79 · February 2015

finchfeeder80 said:

I think the hardest thing for me is not the idea of leaving my child with someone else but losing all that time with my child. I mourn so much that I'm having this child just to turn it over to someone else and pay them to raise it. Missing all their firsts, seeing them 2-3 hours per day, it destroys me. And I'm terrified that I won't have a bond with my child because most of it's life it will be in the care of someone else. I try not to dwell on this. Other working moms say it's not like that. But it was a huge roadblock in my willingness to have a child for a long time.

finchfeeder80, I am not picking on you, I understand the sentiment and it is how these things are described, but this is such a pet peeve of mine.

Daycare, nanny, whoever watches your child while you work is NOT raising your child!! You will raise your child. You will be up for all the sleepless nights, you will be taking care of that baby when they are sick and need their mommy. You will decide how to discipline that child, you will be the one whose limits they test. You are employing someone (hopefully who you trust) to assist YOU in raising your child. This is not an unnatural arrangement; in other cultures the village or the extended family are there and they help the parents. We don't live in that environment, so we use nannies or daycare. But trust me, one Saturday when that child goes and splashes in the dog's water bowl for the 3rd time in 20 minutes and you have to put him in timeout again and listen to him cry about it, you will know that YOU are raising your child. When you have to get out of bed for the fourth time that night because your baby has lost his paci and can't get to sleep without it, you will know that YOU are raising your child. And when he runs to you when you come to pick him up from school with a huge smile and a squeal, you will know that he knows that YOU are the one who is raising him.

Also, the bit about missing out on firsts. FWIW, here is my take: Which is more beneficial for my child: that I be there to see his first step or that I work so he can go to college without taking on a huge load of debt? Which will do more for the quality of his life? Go, ask most parents whose children are grown if they recall their kid's first step or first word. They can't. We make these up to be Hollywood style moments in our minds, but in reality, his first word won't sound like a word and given how often they fall down, it is hard to distinguish when that first step even happens. Plus, it is altogether possible that you will be there for those things; if they are really important to you, don't despair.

Ok. Rant over. finchfeeder, totally not trying to pick on you or belittle how you feel. I get it. I sobbed when I left my boy at daycare the first time and I bawled like a crazy person when I was told she was downsizing and we'd need to find somewhere new. It is hard. But I think that changing how we think about things can really, really help make it easier.

finchfeeder80 · February 2015

@annatta79 Thank you for your insight. The logical part of me knows it'll be ok. My mom stayed at home until my parents divorced when I was 11, so I've been on both sides of the experience. The emotional part of me just struggles with only having these six precious weeks to spend with them before I release them into the world.

It's definitely a suck it up and deal with it situation, because without both our incomes, we can't keep our house and food on the table. So come August, I will put those big girl panties on and do what so many other moms before me and still currently do. I've never even seen a "daycare from the start kid" with any negativity towards their situation. It's the one topic that seems to bring out all the feels in me.

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