family guilt tripping over grandchild x-posted

beautiflaw · February 2015

x-posted on military families but that board is not very active. needing answers asap so hoping someone here has advice.

I have been married for almost 7 years and my daughter is 3.5 years old. My husband is in the Navy and will be for over 20 more years. Almost a year and a half ago we moved to our first duty station that was really far away from our family. Our first ever duty station was only 8 hours away. We'd see our families every 4-6 months or so. (And we were getting guilt tripped then too) Our duty station now is almost 2000 miles from our families. Now, every single time I post a picture of my daughter on social media, or every time I speak to a family member, I get guilt tripped about living far off. Every time the holidays roll around I get phone calls, texts, emails, etc begging me to come home and telling me that my family is missing out on my daughter's life because I'm keeping them from her.

The truth is, traveling with my daughter is very difficult and expensive. Our families cannot provide a place for us to stay when we visit so we have to stay in hotels which are expensive. We have special dietary needs that our families ignore so we have to eat out almost every meal, also expensive. So because of that, we cannot visit home often. We do budget for travel but things happen (family emergencies and things like that) which cause us to spend our travel fund. We have allowed our families to 'borrow' money from us with the knowledge that they are using the money we would have used on plane tickets. Then when the time comes for us to travel, we have to listen to the sobbing over the phone and accusations.

My mother is the worst one. Literally every single time I talk to her she brings up how fast my daughter is growing and how much she misses her. She gets all upset over what she's missing. Then she asks when we are coming to visit. I try to tell her gently that I don't know and we miss her too, but she flips out and starts crying. She's begged me to leave my husband and just take my daughter and come back home. She's told me that I'm a bad wife for not budgeting properly for travel money (so I should stop feeding and clothing my child so I can stick her on a plane?) and made other accusations like, "maybe you just don't love us anymore...". She loves to bring up the fact that my grandmother is going blind and tells me that soon my grandmother won't be able to see at all, so I need to bring my daughter home so my grandmother can look at her "one last time". My husband says we may get stationed overseas next and I told my mother that, hoping she'd be grateful that for now we are still in the country. She told me that would be the worst possible thing to ever happen to her and flipped her wig and started crying. I've offered to pay for her and my brother to fly here and stay in our home, but she refuses to because she can't bring her dog with her on the plane, is afraid to fly, can't get the time off work, etc.

And yes, I do get that they miss us. I miss them too. And I tell them that. I call them and keep them updated on her progress and I send photos. I post at least one photo almost every day on Facebook or Instagram for my family to see. I HATE social media and I stay on for the purpose of keeping them updated. I send them things she makes for them, we do webcam so she can talk to them and see them. We videotape almost every cute thing she does. We have a youtube account with over 1000 videos just of my daughter for my family to look at. It's a lot of work, really. We try very hard to keep them involved. We have paid their airfare, gas money, hotel bills, etc when they visit us. I don't know what else I can do.

It is really hurtful that they can't be understanding of the situation. I get all the blame for my husband's duty stations ("why are you letting him stay in the Navy?") and when we can travel. If my family finds out that I spent money on a large item for our home or for my daughter she gets upset and tells me I could have used the money for saving for plane tickets. It's very frustrating and I feel I have to keep things from my family now to avoid getting a lecture.

What can I do? I dread speaking over the phone with certain family members now because of this issue. It's also so hurtful for me. But I have no idea how to tell those family members how I feel without hurting their feelings or them getting defensive. Many of them don't understand what its like to be in the military but oddly enough, those who have never been in the military or had military parents are the most understanding!! My mother moved all over europe and the US with her dad who was in the army, and my father was a marine, but she is the #1 worst one about guilt tripping me!

If you have advice, any at all, I'd love to hear it. Thank you!

beautiflaw · February 2015

Haha I know but its more active than military families. You saw the post at least! Thank you very much for your response.

JENandJEH · February 2015

Fellow military spouse here.

The closest we've lived to family since we got married is a 9 hour drive. When my oldest was born, we were living in Germany. I am very thankful that our parents have never given us guilt trips over living so far away. I'm hard enough on myself when it comes to living far away and if one of our parents did that to us, I would be incredibly upset.

I think you need to be firm and clear while letting your mom/other family know how much their guilt trips upset you. It may hurt your mom's feelings but I think you owe it to yourself to let her know that you and your husband are doing what is best for your family and that as much as you love and miss her, this is where you are in life right now and there is nothing that will change that. I think he suggestion to leave your husband is absurd and I would call her on her ridiculousness.

Since returning from Germany, we have been blessed to be close enough that driving home to see family isn't a problem (sure, it's a long drive but our kids are pro travelers at this point) and are able to do so twice a year. Obviously if we had to fly it would be more difficult and would happen less often. Every time she asks when you're coming to visit and you say you don't know, remind her that your door is always open for her to visit you and that your daughter would love to show Grandma her house/room/park/school/etc. If she doesn't want to get on a plane, that is on her. Our parents have always loved coming to visit us because it's an opportunity for them to see somewhere new/different.

Do you have Skype or Facetime? Do they have the capability to do those things with you/your daughter? We try to Skype with my parents at least once a week and we call my MIL every week or two. Ask your mom/other family members to record a quick video of them reading a children's book for your daughter. I think many times that they're more worried about their grandchild not knowing them/being afraid of them so if they can do things to help your daughter familiarize herself with them, that may ease their fears and stop the guilt trips.

Ultimately, you need to lay down the law and let them know that this is your life and there isn't anything that can be done to change it at this point. I am not very "puppies and rainbows" when it comes to putting up with this type of stuff. Yes it sucks but having family dwelling on it isn't going to make it suck any less. Good luck!

manders803 · February 2015

Man that is tough. It may just be something that you come to peace with. You know you are doing the best you can and if that's not enough that's their issue. Not yours. I would be livid if my mom told me to leave my husband! You might consider telling her how her wanting you to be closer is pushing you away because you dread talking to them etc. we are military and while I get a little of the guilt they seem over the top.

beautiflaw · February 2015

Thanks everyone! I have a lot to think about. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer my question!

PrimRoseMama · February 2015

You can't do anymore. If your mom starts the drama over the phone, don't entertain it. Tell her that you are doing the best you can & you've got dinner on (or to give the kiddo a bath or run to the bathroom- whatever). Then say you love her & bye. HANG UP, even if she's still blubbering.

You might have to suck it up & deal with the social media stuff. Just stick to the "I miss you too" etc.

It's nice that your family wants to be involved, but your way of life doesn't allow it more often.

It's not about your feelings or loving them. Your mom should lay off the bad wife shit. You can't magically produce money on a fixed income. No amount of budgeting can offset Junior's bout of flu or if the car breaks down or needs a new transmission. Life happens.

The grousing, bitching & guilt-tripping will eventually produce the opposite effect. You will end up avoiding any contact to avoid the epic bitch-out.

lexusolsen · February 2015

Here's the thing. You are choosing not to see her. You do make choices about how you spend the money you have in ways that doesn't allow you to see your family. However, there is nothing wrong with that. You are adults and its your money to spend. Stop having discussions about money with them. When you say you can't go, don't say you can't afford it. Just say you aren't coming. You will feel like you need to give them an explanation but you don't owe them one. In fact, giving them a reason just gives them something to argue with you. Be comfortable with the choices you have made and they will deal with it. Good luck!

Disneygeek77 · February 2015

You have nothing to feel guilty for. My husband has been through the same thing until he got sick of it and realized " You know what, planes fly both ways and roads go both ways. If they really want to see me and the kids as much as they say they do, the would make it happen." It simply isn't fair to place the expense and burden of traveling with a toddler solely at your feet.

The fact that she actually told you to leave your husband shows that this is her issue and it's a huge one. She clearly needs to talk to a trained professional about her feelings because they are not healthy and normal. In fact, I would say that by letting her emotionally manipulate you, you are are making the problem worse and enabling her bad behavior. Like PP said, don't give your reasons for not visiting because she will take that as an opportunity to argue with you and prove you wrong.

Again, if she truly wanted to see you and your baby more she would make it happen, but that would require money and sacrifice and the hassle of traveling. Nope, it is much easier to pour on the waterworks and manipulate you into doing it for her. Stop falling for this nonsense and do what what is best for the family you created, put a line in the sand and put up some boundaries.

Disneygeek77 · February 2015

"And yes, I do get that they miss us. I miss them too. And I tell them that. I call them and keep them updated on her progress and I send photos. I post at least one photo almost every day on Facebook or Instagram for my family to see. I HATE social media and I stay on for the purpose of keeping them updated. I send them things she makes for them, we do webcam so she can talk to them and see them. We videotape almost every cute thing she does. We have a youtube account with over 1000 videos just of my daughter for my family to look at. It's a lot of work, really. We try very hard to keep them involved. We have paid their airfare, gas money, hotel bills, etc when they visit us. I don't know what else I can do."

If I am going to be completely honest, this is a bit ridiculous and you are going overboard here. You need to stop with most of this. Again and I can't emphasize this enough, you are letting your mother manipulate you and as long as it works for her, she will keep doing it. This nonsense will continue for the rest of your life until you stop letting her guilt trip you. Keep telling yourself you are doing nothing wrong by getting married, starting a family and moving away. Your mother's reaction to you growing up and having a family of your own is not normal at all and I believe that the only way she will come to terms with this fact is by talking to someone about it. Videos, pictures, drawing will not help. Well I take that back, it helps somewhat and it very nice of you, but what you are doing is too much and only shows your mom that she is getting to you.

Boonhilde · May 2015

Manipulative people are hard to deal with, especially if you love them. They want you to feel bad so you do what they want.

Two year olds are the same. Treat her as if she were your toddler daughter. You hear her crying because she wants to eat cookies and stay up late, but you don't let it get to you because you know the difference between things she wants and things she needs. Your mom wants you to get a divorce and move closer to her. But she NEEDS to relax and get over herself.

Don't let the sobbing get to you. You know best.

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family guilt tripping over grandchild x-posted

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