Not very excited about the pregnancy

jyoga87 · February 2015

My DH and I had been trying for a year and finally got pregnant. I am 10w4d and not feeling excited yet about the pregnancy. Honestly I feel terrified as a FTM. My DH is off the wall ecstatic and I feel guilty for not being as happy as he is. I'm currently a 4th yr PhD student and am overwhelmed by balancing career and baby. I've been preparing myself for this for a long time and I'm devoted to dedicating myself to our growing family. However I'm worrying a lot about how this will look, and I think this is deterring me from being as excited about the pregnancy as I want to be. Any other FTMs experiencing the same thing ?

kimberlykh · February 2015

I'm not a ftm, but I understand! Last time, I cried hard after we found out even though we were trying, we were financially stable, and we wanted the baby. I think I took it hard bc I'm a realist and I knew things could go wrong, things would change, and the thought of being pregnant terrified me. It is such a scary thought and a baby changes your life. But I promise, when the baby gets here everything will fall into place. You and your partner will figure out how to make it work and you'll figure out how to balance your career and family. And the unexplainable love you feel will trump all the fears!

snikai · February 2015

I'm not a FTm, but I was I one point, so I can understand how you feel. A counseling professor of mine once went into this long, but hilarious rant about how expectant and new moms are "supposed" to be so happy, but there are just tons of downsides from yucky pregnancy symptoms to having awkward OB exams to a screaming baby at 2am. She then insisted that its ridiculous that society seems to expect women to be so happy about all of this all of the time! On a positive note, however, when you have those precious moments with your little one it just seems to melt away all the horribleness that must be endured. Bottom line, whether its admitted to or not, being a mom isn't happy-go-lucky all the time.

rablissful · February 2015

ME! Especially with the career thing. I was planning on FINALLY finding a permanent teaching job for September (I've been a permanent sub this year for two separate schools, had been a regular sub for years and finally finished my master's degree last winter) and that is totally out the window! Plan now is for me to stay home until December and find another permanent sub position in January, then find a real teaching gig the following school year. As much as I want all that time with the baby, it sucks putting my career on hold. I wish this LO came along a month or two later because then I could find something for September, but since I likely won't even be able to start the year I feel way too guilty finding a job. (Note: we weren't trying for a baby, but we weren't preventing it either)

I'm slowly getting more excited, but it's taking more time than I thought it would. I've wanted to be a mom forever so not being ecstatic is weird to me.

momerath83 · February 2015

I was definitely like this the first time around. I am super career-oriented/ambitious and also a doom and gloom thinker so I always assumed the worst. I was so pleasantly surprised overall with how much easier it is than I thought it would be. It's not EASY, but it's not the end of the world awfulness I was imagining. Now I'm worried the second baby will be a hellion to teach me a lesson

Pyraknight · February 2015

You'll get there. Don't beat yourself up for not being as excited as you expected to be or as other people are. Most likely hormones will change your feelings at some point and It will click for you. The first time you feel that baby kick, it may melt everything away.

mathesq0 · February 2015

I am a first time mom and my Sil who is also pregnant jokes that we are fake pregnant....it just hasn't sunk in yet even though this was planned and I'm happy about it. I understand the career aspect and as another poster stated I am happy that I get to stay home with this little one. On the other hand I'm sad that I am getting my masters 2 months before I am due....and won't be able to probably get licensed or get a job for a while. It will likely be 6 months to a year but some of that is due to my spouse being military....I'm just rolling with the punches and appreciating the good things and trying not to stress about the less awesome things....just remember you are smart, driven, talented, and capable...If you want it to work who better to make it happen! Best of luck!

jyoga87 · February 2015

I'm so truly thankful for all of your responses. I feel so much better letting my feelings out. I now understand the beauty of this board and anonymity because I can connect with like minded powerful women. Also I have been ashamed of these feelings because of the expectation of having to be super happy about being pregnant. It feels great to talk about it without feeling judged.

I'm grappling with putting my career on hold, which I have never done before and is a huge transition . For years my studies have been the center of my world and now everything will change. I'm so grateful that I have a feminist husband that supports me in my career and is willing to help more than half the time with childcare. He is actually excited about being a stay at home dad which will also be a change for us because he is currently in a high power job that he loves. I hope that I can get to know each of you a bit more because it seems like we have a lot in common. Best of luck to you all too!

WDDCH · February 2015

Thank you for being real about how you feel. Sometimes lack of excitement is self-preservation. We worry something will happen to baby so we try not to get too attached. Maybe that's not the case with you specifically but wanted to throw that out there just in case you feel that does relate to you.

Just the fact that you CARE that you're not feeling gushy, crazy excited shows that you truly do care. Just because you don't FEEL it doesn't mean it's not within you. I'm always telling people that love isn't a feeling; its a choice. We choose to love our spouse and children when they upset us, we choose to love them in weakness, we choose to love them unconditionally. We don't always feel butterflies in our tummy with sweaty palms or like we want to shout it from the mountaintops.

Pregnancy lasts almost an entire year for a reason: to prepare. And that includes mentally and emotionally. Even a planned baby can rock your world and make you question ever starting down this path. But I promise it is all worth it. And I bet you already know it'll be worth it. Congrats!

Sydnor80 · February 2015

I'm pregnant with my second and had a miscarriage a few months back. We of course planned to extend our family but I am just not the least bit excited. I feel bad b/c I'm frightened to death of having another miscarriage but not because I'm dying to have another child but dare I say outloud that I just wanna get this out of the way so I can be done with it. I have a 3 year old who usually gets so much constructive quality time and I've been so sick & tired that he just get snuggle time when he isn't bouncing off the walls. I am usually amazing at my job working with special needs pre-schoolers but currently feel like dead weight. Hopefully it'll kick in after the first trimester. It was the reverse with my son. I was sooo... excited until the weekend I had him. That weekend I just cried and felt resentment towards the little fetus but OMG, the love poured out getting to know him those 4 days in the hospital. I had a c-section so the extra couple of days with help from nurses helped my transition. Good luck. I hear what we feel is normal and glad there is a place to get reassurance.

JosefinK · February 2015

I'm a FTM and we were trying for over a year as well. I think when you try for that long, in the end you almost put your thoughts about getting pregnant aside and it doesn't become that important, it's a kind of survival mechanism to not get your expectations up and then get depressed when it doesn't happen that month. Then when it finally does happen the brain doesn't really want to allow you to believe it in case it's not true. This is what it feels like for me at least. I'm obviously happy that I finally got a bfp, but I'm not ecstatic and I can't really allow myself to fully enjoy it yet. My OH is even worse than me, he doesn't want to think about it until we're past 12-13 weeks. I'm hoping that once we do our 12 week ultrasound and actually see and hear the heartbeat, the penny will drop that it's real and we can start to enjoy this properly.

porchial · February 2015

I'm graduating from law school in May and I'm more nervous about being discriminated against if they know I'm pregnant-which is illegal- but not in the least bit worried about how this will look. My husband and I begged God for this baby after we had a miscarriage a few months ago. degrees are just pieces of paper that you can use to improve your life and the life of your family...but they can't CREATE life like you have! good luck! :-)

berticus87 · February 2015

Also not a first time mom but I understand! We tried for nearly 2 1/2 years to conceive our 2nd child. I actually had given up, stopped taking all my meds, temping, charting, etc and surprise I got pregnant. At first I was thrilled but now that I've had miserable morning sickness every day mixed with a cold and a day of food poisoning, I am finding no energy to be excited. I know once I get passed this phase of feeling sick and tired all the time I will be able to be excited for sure. But I get it, the first trimester especially is a killer! I keep telling myself no more kids after this, I don't think I can do this all again but once the baby is here I'll likely forget all the bad stuff :-p hang in there mamas. You're doing just fine!

diamondprincess15 · February 2015

Ftm here! I am in the exact same boat. This pregnancy was a complete surprise as we had tossed around the idea of children but weren't ready to plan for them just yet. Everyone we have told is so over the moon excited that I actually feel jealous. I haven't gotten excited yet. Every time hubby asks if I'm excited I just cry. I am a super driven career individual and I am at the top of my team which I've worked as hard as possible the past 5 years to achieve. I guess the timing just isn't what I would have picked but I have hope I will get excited. We have our 8 week appointment in 2 weeks so maybe once I get that under my belt it will get more exciting. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one feeling this way and I feel weird saying no when people ask if I'm excited.

hatchback4g · February 2015

FTM and me and DH had been trying for a very long time and when we first got that BFP I was so excited but as time has gone on I'm less excited. Both our families have long histories of loss and difficult pregnancies and births not the mention a couple years ago my cousin lost her 18mo old so I think like PP said for me the loss of excitement is self preservation. Especially as more people find out like I'm jinxing it (which I am aware is ridiculous but as my sister tells me atleast I'm aware of my crazy lol). I am hoping after my first appointment on Friday I'll get that excited feeling back.

michelleclamour · February 2015

Here!
I was so excited that my careers started to take off and my work was so appreciated. Next thing you know, I was "so pregnant" I sobbed the whole evening after I took the pregnancy test.
I mean, it's not like I don't really want the baby, or anything. It was actually the time for me ro have one (I guess), but o feel like all my plans are ruined.
On the other han, I don't know have I ever really wanted to have a baby, but now it's on its way. I am usually a control freak and I NEED to be in control of everything while planning all the details. This pregnancy clashes with my nature. I guess I just have to get used to it.
It just bugs me that my fiance is over tge moon, both of our families are a very happy and I am all like: What am I gonna do?! My life is over!
I am really afraid I will not be able to get any kind of bound with my baby.
Let's hope we get through this stage and start enjoying being pregnant.

megewy · February 2015

I'm coming into this a little late but I'm a STM and feeling the same way. This baby wasn't planned and I'm such a planner. And this baby has put a kink in my plans. the fiancé and I were going to go get married on the beach this summer and now I just don't want to because I'll be big and fat and it's just not how I wanted it to be. I was also going to start my masters degree in August but now that will have to wait - probably until August 2016 since some of the first classes I need are just offered in the fall semester. I'm sure I will get excited later on and I feel guilty for not being super excited and feel really guilty since everytime I'm throwing up ( several times a day) I wish I wasn't pregnant anymore. I shouldn't feel this way but I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling this way

michelleclamour · February 2015

@megleaet - if this makes you feel better about yourself (at least it helped me), my mom told me she didn't really feel happy to have gotten pregnant with any of us (4 children), but she bonded with each and every one of us immediately after birth.

She's been the perfect mother and she loves us all so very much.

michelleclamour · April 2015

@jyoga87 Any changes in the way you feel about your pregnancy?

jyoga87 · April 2015

@michelleclamour Thanks for asking! I am feeling more and more excited each day. In the beginning I wasn't feeling excited because of how overwhelmed I felt about such a huge life change. Luckily, things have worked out with my job for maternity leave, so I am happy that I get to spend time with baby in the beginning. I am now feeling stressed about childcare, full time care starting January. I am learning that career and family can be done, and I'm using my planning and research skills to make it happen. But, I am easily becoming overwhelmed with it all. I think this is okay though and normal, and do-able. I'm willing to work however hard I need to for family. Excited for my baby girl who's kicking right now

surprisepkg31 · April 2015

I wish I would have seen this thread a few months ago! This was so nice to read. I still am having a hard time with all this. I'm feeling the exact same way. I'm 32 and I'm just finally graduating with my degree which has taken me 5 years to complete while working. I have been a massage therapist for 10 years and so burnt out. I finally felt like it was my time! After 5 years of being under stimulated, broke and in school I was ready to throw myself into my new career for a couple of years before I decided on a family. My husband was excited for me to move forward as well so I could help us financially! And just knowing I would be so much happier after coming out of some depression based on me feeling so stuck for so long. Low and behold, unexpectedly, I'M PREGNANT! I cried for 6 days. At 18 weeks now, I have days of joy and days I feel so much bitterness still. Postponing it all for another year just baffles me still. I worked long an hard to be here and just feels like it's been pulled out from under me. Feel like I can't win sometimes. Doesn't help that I pretty much suck at being pregnant as well. I find it to be very debilitating.

michelleclamour · April 2015

@jyoga87

I am so happy to hear that! I've also started feeling better about my own, so I was curious how you feel, at the moment. Really really good news! :X

michelleclamour · April 2015

surprisepkg31 said:
I wish I would have seen this thread a few months ago! This was so nice to read. I still am having a hard time with all this. I'm feeling the exact same way. I'm 32 and I'm just finally graduating with my degree which has taken me 5 years to complete while working. I have been a massage therapist for 10 years and so burnt out. I finally felt like it was my time! After 5 years of being under stimulated, broke and in school I was ready to throw myself into my new career for a couple of years before I decided on a family. My husband was excited for me to move forward as well so I could help us financially! And just knowing I would be so much happier after coming out of some depression based on me feeling so stuck for so long. Low and behold, unexpectedly, I'M PREGNANT! I cried for 6 days. At 18 weeks now, I have days of joy and days I feel so much bitterness still. Postponing it all for another year just baffles me still. I worked long an hard to be here and just feels like it's been pulled out from under me. Feel like I can't win sometimes. Doesn't help that I pretty much suck at being pregnant as well. I find it to be very debilitating.

Oh, hun! I totally get you! I am almost in the same situation. It took me several months to start accepting the idea, that I will be again stuck and have no chance for a career for the next year. Nobody wants to employ a pregnant woman, no matter how skilled she would be. During these 4 months I started getting used to the thought I will be a mommy, and think less about the career. Luckily my FI is very supportive and very happy for the baby to come (I don't think I could handle all this pressure if he would not be excited about the baby).

On Monday I had my anatomy scan, and that was the moment when I first time got to see the baby (like really seeing her in a 3D print) and that gave me such a different perspective on the whole thing. Maybe you can try that, too. I know a baby will not give you the career you want, but it might offer you something that no career will. I don't know. I am also a FTM, nervous and puzzled by the whole situation, who hopes it will one day come to her naturally.

Best of luck and positive thoughts to you, sweetie!

sgleave · April 2015

I've got a similar story and wish I had seen this sooner! Finally finished my phd in July and we moved for my postdoc. At the same time I started looking for jobs and even began interviewing, as I'm not sure life in academia is for me (so the postdoc may not be ideal). As all of this is happening, boom, unexpected pregnancy (FTM). I put my job search on hold because moving, starting a new job, changing insurance, etc. felt too overwhelming when also trying to wrap my head around a baby. Some days I still feel trapped and kind of lost career-wise, but I have a constant reminder of why I made that choice. I think timing may never be "right" for some of us, and I think it's normal to have moments of uncertainty in this whole process. And the rest of the time, enjoy!

JenLovesDesign · April 2015

This is so interesting to read. I am guessing I would have felt the same way when I was your age. I waited until the perfect time with my career (age 40 ftm) to have a baby and I can say that I wish I wouldn't have cared so much about my career and started a family a while ago. Believe me, a career is a way to make money, it is not your life. Your employer generally won't give a crap about you (regardless of how hard you work), but you will be the most important person to your family. At the end of the day, companies are made to make money, and not to care about employees. I had a huge career upset a little over a year ago, and I had absorbed my whole self into my job for years. It was a dream job for an interior designer. I had sacrificed my friends, marriage and all relationship for my amazing career and when the company decided to eliminate my department, I was left with nothing. Your family is what matters.

shaunnar053 · April 2015

@JenLovesDesign I love your point of view! I think it's an amazing way to look at life. Thank you for providing your perspective

.

Want a personalized experience?

Not very excited about the pregnancy

Re: Not very excited about the pregnancy

Choose Another Board

Search Boards