Who do you tell about your infertility journey?

2pupsnokids · February 2015

This is just a random question, but I was wondering who you tell about ttc and infertility? For me it's a personal thing, and I have not confided in anyone other than two friends going through the same thing and 2 others who had gone through IVF. I/we have amazing families and I have great friends, but there's so little I have control over in infertility, who I choose to confide in is one of the few things I feel like I do have control over. I have ignored seemingly innocuous comments from friends/family/acquaintances like, 'You better start thinking about it.' or 'What are you two waiting for?' or 'You know, you're 36.' 'Don't you want kids?' etc. I usually say something like, 'we have the dogs and they're enough for us for now.' or 'We borrow our nieces and nephews all the time.' but lately I find myself getting frustrated and quite honestly, pretty pissed. My obgyn suggested I gain some weight before we started ttc to try and regulate my periods, I gained 12lbs and now have regular periods, but I do get the 'your boobs are huge!' comments from some of my sisters (all of whom have kids) and it doesn't seem fair for me to get upset when they don't know what we've been going through. I really don't want to share this with people, nothing against them, but this process is hard enough without having to give updates to everyone. We've been married for 3 years, so my husband and I always joke that it's the world's worst kept secret, being that everyone must have at least an inkling, but I wish people would realize their place and just not say anything. Am I crazy? I know, especially lately, I am probably over sensitive, but I'm wondering if I should just be open about it so I don't punch anyone in the face. Just kidding, but not really;)

hooligans4 · February 2015

My entire family knows we are trying but since my first miscarriage two years ago no one asks about it because I was an emotional wreck for a long time after. I think they are afraid if they bring it up I will burst into tears(which I could).
My one sister in law is the only one I will talk about it with. She is a great listener and never asks stupid questions.
The only people who say those stupid things are people who have no clue about infertility or loss. They aren't trying to be mean or insensitive, they are just ignorant to what you are going through.

Austrogermokee · February 2015

I have a group of people I update - my in-laws, SIL and BIL, my sister, and two close girlfriends. To keep things simple, I sent around a group email with all our treatment info and how I'm feeling about things, and they can respond if they have questions. My husband has a few close guy friends he talks to, but I don't think he gives out as many medical details as I do.

I've been married almost four years, so I think at this point our friends assume we've decided not to have children. However, if we're at a party and I'm just drinking soda or water, I get a lot of ribbing about being pregnant. It's a stab in the heart, every time.

rspalding001 · February 2015

I talk about it with my mom but that's about it. Maybe one or two other people at more random intervals but my mom regularly.

gfgrump · February 2015

I don't talk about it much to my family. But I also don't talk to my family much, (but that's another problem for another time). I've slowly told a few friends, just because it's on my mind and it has started to come out. I don't think my husband has told anyone. Anyone who has been through it knows better than to ask, we kind of have a- I'll let you know if something is happening policy. Those that do ask are just doing it to show they care, but it can be hard to deal with. I do have to remember before I was in this position I said a lot of stupid things to people, trying to be kind or show my support, but looking back I now realize that they could just stir up emotions. It's definitely getting harder to be around pregnant people or to be happy for others, but I just try hard to remember that everyone has good intentions and just wants the best for us. Overall, I think it's a very personal thing how many people you tell. When my sister was going through this we got weekly updates and went through all the ups and downs with her (three miscarriages). I'm a more private person so I'm doing it differently.

kindershlitz · February 2015

*child mentioned* More people know than I would like. My parents know because my father is a retired physician and I have bounced things off him. They and my mil know because with the appts and DH out of town often, I need them for child care. A handful of friends know, and I wish fewer because I learned a few talk more than I would like and a couple seem a little unsupportive about the whole thing. That's why I come here often because it does consume me more than it should and I can read, discuss, get support about everything.

KirstenAlecia · February 2015

Everyone we know knows we tried and it didn't happen for a long time and then it did and we lost ours......its better that way.

Nobody bugs us about babies.

jilligan14 · February 2015

I struggle with this as well. I thought not talking about it would be better but then when people kept asking about the baby-making status, I finally found it easier to just share our struggles so everyone would stop asking. But there are still many people who don't know. Just the other day we bumped into one of my husband's friends at the grocery store and she kept asking when we were going to have babies. I just said, "We'll get working on that soon." I honestly don't know what else to say in that type of situation.

2pupsnokids · February 2015

I'm so sorry about your loss KirstenAlecia. How awful. There's nothing that can be said here, but I know everyone on here is supporting you and I hope in some small way that helps.
Hooligans4 I know what you're saying, no one means to be insensitive, but I'm sensitive about it. I just wish people weren't so nosy. If people should know about my ttc deal, they'll know, otherwise I think it's pretty invasive.
Jilligan14 I go back and forth thinking I'm crazy and then that maybe everyone else is. When people ask if you're trying to get pregnant-even if there are no issues-I think it's really personal. Basically they are asking you if you are having unprotected sex, and what can be more personal than that?
Anyway, I'm grateful for this board bc I think even though everyone has her own story it helps to share with people who get it.

TTC: 21 Months
Husband: 41
Me: 36
3 failed IUIs
changed REs
1 failed IVF (chemical pregnancy)
13 5-day frozen embryos

dolphin012 · February 2015

We have gone with a need to know basis. This includes a few close friends that are particularly helpful both with moral support and practical information. We haven't shared much because that is just our personalities, but i also think it will be fun to flat out surprise some family and friends. I also recently told my supervisor as we are going to need to support at work to pursue ivf (flexible schedule and work location). I was a little anxious, but it went well.

We don't get many questions. I guess that is one of the perks of being a little older-i think most people just assume we are sticking with cats at this point

Definitely a very personal decision. Interesting to see the different approaches, comfort levels and personalities.

emsmama15 · February 2015

*** child mentioned ***

I've told a few close friends about the nitty gritty (one who's pregnant, two have undergone IVF, and one who's just so sweet and wants me to get pregnant so badly). These people are my main support. They are the ones texting me and asking me how it's going and offering prayers and support. My sister knows loosely that we're undergoing treatment. And that's about it. A few people are aware because they kept ASKING me when I was going to get pregnant and I got frustrated and said "We're trying and it's not going well, okay?" No further questions were asked. My SIL will likely know tonight because we're going to ask her to watch our daughter when we have our IUI on Sunday. Weekend treatments are the worst!

Infertility is such a personal thing. I'm not ashamed of it, but I have a hard time talking about it. Especially since it's taking much longer this time than last time. I've been thinking about Infertility Awareness Week in April and wondering if I'd have the guts to post something on Facebook. Honestly, I don't know...

FLY106 · March 2015

In our case, it is really difficult to talk about because our culture is really set on marriage comes hand in hand with having kids. Our family has always been on the look out with us. We dated for 9 years before getting married and always had people wondering when we were finally getting married. When we did, I think they assumed we were gonna start right away. It's been 5 years since we got married and we always get the "u better hurry up before u can't have any" comments because of my age. People are just itching to get some sort of confirmation on why we havent had kids. I know they mostly say it's because of me.

It's really frustrating, so I've just told a few close people. When others ask, I just say "that's not our priority right now", that comment follows the "don't wait to long, cause it's gonna be too late" stupid comment. To that I say "well, if it is then it is". My defense mechanisms at an all time high.

My husband hasn't told anyone and doesn't want too either so for the most part is not openly talked about. We've just decided not to mention anything about us TTC or our TTTC.

beingr · March 2015

my entire family knows. I have two sisters and a cousin and we all have the exact same issues... genetics definitely play a factor in infertility. so thankfully because my older sisters and cousin have paved the way my family is extremely understanding which allows me to be open.

I also have a blog, it's not anonymous. almost everyone at my work knows (I've worked there 7 years) but I've also worked with all these people for a long time and they are very supportive and loving. some have had issues TTC themselves.

as for friends, pretty much all our friends know too. that just sort of came from the nature of our friendships I think.

I think who you tell or don't tell is a very personal choice and I see both sides of it, telling and not telling. and would never judge anyone for going either route. I think for me, the fact that my sisters paved the way, they were both vocal and im just an over sharer anyway... it all led to us choosing to be open and vocal.

that said. I absolutely wish that some days not so many people knew. some days it feels like I can't escape it when I get tons of texts and questions if I'm going through a cycle. some times I just plain don't want to discuss it. even though people are trying to support us and love us, I don't want to explain to one more person what a freeze all, PGS, FET kind of cycle looks like. sigh.

however, I think because of my blog and some things I blog about (being sensitive to infertiles, etc) my good friends understand how to handle it and try super hard to be loving and sensitive. but again... some days I wish no one knew so that I could pretend I didn't have this issue.

that was a super long explanation. ugh. sorry! and I just want to re state that again, I know I'm in a rare circumstance and not everyone has the support I have. I don't think if my sisters had been through this that I'd be able to face my family with it. if that makes sense?

now I'm just rambling. so for me, that's how we've approached it. but again, I absolutely understand keeping it private. some days I very much wish I had been less vocal. in fact we are going to stay very, very quiet during our next cycle. we just need some privacy with this one. I think we will just tell everyone we are taking a breather and when they find out we are in California (we live in kansas, treatments are in socal) we will say it's for vacation!

OldNell · March 2015

I am pretty open about the process with most friends and family. I make exceptions for the folks who I know in advance won't handle it well or be supportive. That said, I cannot imagine what people who ask/make comments are thinking. To comment on such a thing uninvited strikes me as incredibly crass and intrusive. When that happens, I usually head them off at the pass by saying that we would very much like to have children but we aren't making any assumptions that we will be given that gift. If that doesn't back them off (it usually does), I just say it isn't something I enjoy talking about.

Guennie · March 2015

I've always been a very open person and for the most part I have shared my experiences with all of my friends and family. There are things I don't share out of respect for my husband because he is the opposite, a very private person. Those things I share with my mom, one close friend who has also suffered a loss, and my online support system (the reason I'm here).

I don't always feel like sharing though. I guess I go through phases. After this last loss I really withdrew for awhile. Then eventually the time came when I needed to be able to talk about it.

If people ask me questions I tell them the truth. That's just me. I think everyone handles it differently and rightly so. We all have our own situations and needs. There is no right or wrong way to deal with IF. It's a personal journey and we all find our own way.

Erinka · March 2015

I'm turning 35 soon, married last summer, TTC 9 months and had a miscarriage 2 months ago. Just a few close friends know. I really can't share much because I would be worried that my work & boss would find out. Just ovulated today though so I'm entering my TWW and hoping for a BFP by the end of the month. My doctor told me not to worry, drink a lot of wine and have a lot of sex.

FLY106 · March 2015

Good luck to u @Erinka

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