Sex life problems. caution TMI

Chellz0684 · February 2015

This may be tmi for some.
This is very real and causing alot of problems in my relationship. When I met my husband a couple years ago. He was a big party animal, and he drank often. I never had any problem with our sex life. I enjoyed sleeping with him. I felt connected etc. He did everything I liked. As we became more serious and moved in together. His wild side started to die down, and the drinking became less frequent. And that's when I noticed problems in our sex life. I am 30 and have the highest sex drive I've had in my life. We started going long bouts without sex. And I noticed he stopped performing oral sex on me. He confessed to me that the partying and drinking was due to certain things in his life that he was going through depression and alcohol made him forget about his problems. But now that he was with me and happy he isn't happy going out to parties and he doesn't want to drink anymore. That drinking misrepresents who he really is in life. With all that being said. Drinking is also what had been giving him his sex drive. Now it's been 2 years, he has basically became a sober man except for a drink here & there. Barely ever goes out as well. In these last 2 years our relationship our sex life has suffered . I am very proud of him for his accomplishments . But I am also with him. And He is my partner I only have sex with him. I have sexual needs. I am a tough cookie to break. I don't have orgasms during sex. I always loved oral sex That's how I get off. I also am more on the dry side vaginally. I need my body to be touched and kisses to get wet.

All which he has totally stopped doing. Our sex life is he comes to bed and tugs at my shorts while im sleeping to take them off. Or he'll ask for head if he doesn't want to have sex.

This has became a huge issue for me. I feel like im with a person. Who gives me booty call sex. It feels like "Take your pants off so I can insert this and hump you for a little while"
And then im dryer than the desert. It's sux. Before everyone freaks and says talk to this man about these things. Here's where I am at my witts end ! I have talked to him since all of this began. 1st It was calmly, then it was writing letters etc. At first he said "I am your man I should please you I understand " then it became "You bleed out your hole, you pee out your whole all my exes had to beg me for oral sex. I don't like doing it. But I'll do it when I feel like it"

I have expressed MANY times now. That I am sexually frustrated. My calm talks have went to arguing and crying over it. I text him about it he said "When or If he wants to do it to me again he will get off his back" When he got home I went into a all out meltdown he said "Ok I Love you your right. Im sorry" Well it has been 5mos since It's been done. Also there still is 0 foreplay. It's all tugging at my shorts while I'm asleep. And booty call sex.

This wknd He rented us a hotel. Got me a beautiful card. Took me to a nice restaurant. Get this he is a VERY affectionate person.. He hugs and kisses me often, wants to cuddle often. Tells me he loves me often. So yes he's great in the Non sexual area and He doesn't understand why that doesn't compensate . The 1st night. No sex. The next day. He goes to me "By the way can I get head" I made a face and said No i'm not giving you any head because you haven't done it to me in 5 mos. His response sent me through the roof. He said "Your pregnant there's all kinds of stuff going on down there I'm not doing it" Yes despite all the sweet jesters he made and money he spent. I felt my heartbreaking and I exploded. His argument was he's done more sexual things to me than any other woman. That he was married for 5 years and the woman never made a big deal that he didn't do those things.

His complaint is im always dry. I was crying trying to explain I need to be touched, kissed I need some type of foreplay. He was so angry and yell "Foreplay who even does that ?!!" And then declared "No while you're pregnant I won't be giving you any oral sex there's too much going on down there you don't even know about" And if he even decides to ever do it again It's up to him. I told him sex is important in a relationship that your supposed to open up to your partner. His response was "sex isn't the most important thing that I need to get over myself "

He said I ruined this whole wknd and everything nice he was trying to do for me. I am so sad inside. To many of you this may sound silly. But to me my fears are does this mean I will never have an orgasm again ?? All this non touching stuff. Has made my self esteem go down dramatically. When he walks in and im naked. I don't feel like my body can even be attractive. How can I be attractive if he doesn't even want to touch my lady parts. It makes me feel like an object. It makes me feel unloved dispite if he hugged and kissed me that day. I feel like my vagina is like this gross thing now. "Like put my mouth on that nasty thing how dare you ask me"

And yesss i have explained all of this to him in tears most of the time. He started kissing my neck more now here and there during sex. His argument is always that Im dry and how can I be attracted to him if everytime he goes in im dead dry.

One time during our talks he said he doesn't foreplay bc his body just doesn't do it.

Idk what to do anymore. I've never had this problem. My only idea is to withhold oral sex from him as long as he does me. I understand guys have things they may do and not do. If there was more foreplay maybe I would try to not make as much of a big deal about the oral even though that's what gets me off. What do you even do in this type of situation ? Except it and deal with it ?? Like idk what to even do. After my whole melt down. Ge did try to recover the night took me to the movies, dinner then back to the Hilton were staying at. In bed I asked. Can we atleast have sex ? After a couple mins he said "Take your shorts off" And the exact same shit. No foreplay. No nothing.

sekosmides · February 2015

Maybe try having him "watch" you get yourself warmed up? I know it's not what you want but as a compromise and maybe he'll see how much you enjoy certain things and want to try them. I know a lot of men just really don't know what they're doing and are afraid to ask for directions.
Also, I know it sucks but as much as I am allowed to have my limits in bed, so is my husband. Maybe it does make him uncomfortable right now, and that's a limit for him. Instead of hammering away at it, find a new way to get there. Experimenting really can be fun for both of you if you go into it with trust and respect.

Chellz0684 · February 2015

Thank you for your response and not judging me. I'll give that a try. Maybe ill learn somethings about myself.

pinktorridora · February 2015

I'm sorry you are going through this. I suggest your husband reads "She Comes First" - it's available on Amazon, at B&N, etc. I don't think anyone should do anything sexually they aren't comfortable with, but it sounds like he could be making a better effort to make sure you are aroused. Keep communicating, and get him that book!

sekosmides · February 2015

No judgements, sex is awesome.
And girl, my husband is one of those "scared he's gonna hurt the baby" guys, so I got a vibrator. And he is learning other ways to make me feel wanted and appreciated. Like back rubs. And dropping me off at the door and parking the car.

Chellz0684 · February 2015

@pinktorridora‌ I will definitely look for that book ! Thanks for that. It's funny bc before we ever slept together thst was the very 1st thing he did to me and a couple times. But he was drinking soo. Never realized it would become an issue later down the road. I'll deff check it out tho gor sure !

rock2blu · February 2015

Maybe he doesn't understand why you're dry. He could be taking it personal, as a sign that you're not turned on by him. That could make him uninterested in warming you up. He needs to understand it's not about him it's just the way your body is. What about you initiating the foreplay? Maybe wear something sexy and add some lube to the bedroom, you applying it to his man parts might get him going. I don't know If it's the right thing to do but personally I would stop bringing up the oraI sex it's something he has to want to do. Take your sex life back in the way of actions, show him what you want because he obviously isn't listening to your words. And it sounds like you have yourself a good dude.

BabyShaps · February 2015

Thank you for the responses ladies. This thread has given some good advice as I am in a very similar boat to OP.

almostawhitehead · February 2015

I agree with @sekosmides‌ and @rock2blu‌ ... Show him how to get you off... And maybe once you get close he can do his thing...win win... Also nothing is wrong with lubricant... Some woman are dry and he probably thinks its his fault...sometimes its awkward to communicate sexual things with your partner but its a must ...I think it just takes time too after you mention something for it to get better... Also there is nothing wrong with watching "instructional videos"

ewdean · February 2015

I don't really have much advice to give you because I find myself in the same position sometimes with the talking and talking and crying and arguing and nothing ever changes. My husband and i have always had very oppostie sex drives. Mine is much, much higher than his. Just wanted to let you know that the way you are feeling is nothing to be ashamed of and thanks for sharing!! And here's hoping that he tries to make some changes

Chellz0684 · February 2015

@ewdean‌ @BabyShaps‌
On one hand I am relieved to know that I am not alone. On the other hand I feel terrible you guys are in the same boat bc it is a hard journey. We know we Love our husbands but yearn for that deeper connection and pleasure. Good luck to the both of you as well and thanx for the support.

petrichor14 · February 2015

Oh HELL no. Look. This is not ok.

Lube and getting a vibrator are NOT the answer. Lube may make intercourse more comfortable if you're dry and a vibrator may help keep you from crawling the walls out of sexual frustration, but those are just symptoms of a greater problem- which is that your husband is sexually selfish and doesn't give a shit if you are getting off. That's unacceptable. It's great that you guys have a good relationship in every other way, but this is not some trivial thing that doesn't matter. We decide, as a culture, that sex is so important that we need to create monogamous relationships where we can only have sex with one person for the rest our lives- but then when you expect that sex to be fulfilling, suddenly you are putting too much importance on it? How does that work, exactly?

You say you are 30 so I assume he is somewhere around that age? He's acting like a teenage boy and he has some really immature ideas about sex and women's bodies. (Right guy, that's where pee comes from. Same as, you know, your PENIS.) It's not unheard of for a guy to get a little squeamish about sex things when you're pregnant, but what is he even talking about with that "there's stuff going on down there you don't even know about?" Stuff a quick shower couldn't take care of? Does he have friends who are feeding him weird horror stories or something?

And as for the sex, most of us don't get wet at the mere sight of a hard dick, and a guy has to do more than stick that dick in you a few times to get you off. Surely he knows that? Most women can't orgasm from intercourse alone. He says no woman has ever been bothered by the lack of oral sex before, but he's not still with any of those women, is he? And maybe he did manage to only be with women who don't care about oral sex and come from his magic dick alone, but more likely most of those women lied to him or lied to themselves because they didn't feel comfortable asking for what they want or didn't feel entitled to it, because that's how women are "supposed" to act.

That's bullshit. You are entitled to sexual pleasure. You are entitled to orgasms. You should not be made to feel bad for wanting them, nor should you be made to feel dysfunctional or gross for what it takes to get you there. You are not asking for anything crazy from him, anything any reasonable person wouldn't be expected to do. Oral sex might not be his favorite thing to do, but if it's how you get off he needs to be doing it. PERIOD.

If he could only get off from head, not intercourse, he'd expect you to give it every time you guys had sex, wouldn't he? And you'd do it, even if it wasn't your favorite thing to do. And he wouldn't feel the least bit bad for asking. Because we define a heterosexual sexual encounter as: guys gets off. The act isn't complete until the guy comes, generally speaking. Why is your orgasm peripheral? Why is it unnecessary? Why is it this extra thing that maybe you'll get if he feels like giving it to you, but since he doesn't love doing that thing you're probably going to be out of luck?

If you are going to be in an exclusive sexual relationship with a person that person should be doing what you need to feel sexually fulfilled. Most importantly they should WANT you to be sexually fulfilled. He doesn't seem to care at all.

Nope, nope, nope.

I can't tell you what to do, and there's certainly no easy solution here. But if it were me we'd be headed to counseling to unpack this stuff. I don't think ultimatums and withholding things are a great way to deal with problems in a relationship, but I have to say I would not be sucking the dick of anyone who thought my lady parts were too gross and dirty to go near. But you guys need to talk about this, and if he's not open to talking or talking isn't productive I'd seriously look into taking it to a professional.

Good luck with everything.

biaromoy · February 2015

Aw girl, my heart broke for you reading that. My partner is a bit weird about oral now that I'm pregnant but I shower before he goes down on me and it's no worries at all, I make him wash under the skin if he wants head, I ain't a fan of pee in my mouth, no thank you.
I hope your man wises up and stops acting like a teenager and realises that pregnancy is beautiful, vaginas are beautiful and not scary monsters, vaginas aren't just wet straightaway, I have a dry problem sometimes too and once he goes down on me for a while, problem solved. My issue is finding a comfy position with the belly issue... You are beautiful and don't let his sexual stupidity bring you down

theletlers · February 2015

I'm not really sure if there is more I can say to that last comment!!! Powerful words there sister!!

My husband and I have gone through pretty much our entire 8 year relationship not really being on the same page sexually. I have always wanted it more and he has also gone through some periods of depression and his own struggle. There have been times where a few months will go by with a boring peck of a kiss once a day was all the excitement I got! So trying to get pregnant with someone who doesn't want to have sex was a challenge! And it actually did take not one but two different marriage counselors for us to figure out better ways to talk to each other and ask for what we want.
Out second therapist was really helpful for me because the focus wasn't just on how I said something but how my husband heard what I said. It felt a little silly, but basically we would sit and look at each other and say what the problem was and how we felt, and the other person would have to repeat it back how it was said. At the end the listener would give a recap in his/her own words to explain to the talker that the message was heard.
Simple example:
I dislike when you drink milk from the carton (You dislike when I drink milk from the carton)
It makes me feel gross and sick because of the germs (It makes you feel gross and sick because of the germs)
It also makes me feel ignored because I have asked you to stop and you don't (It also makes you feel ignored because you have asked me to stop and I don't)
(Overall, you don't like when I drink milk straight from the carton because it makes you feel gross and sick from sharing germs and when I do that you feel ignored because you have asked me before to stop and I didn't)
Then they ask did I get you?

If the listener got it wrong go back to the part and try it again.
Really stress the I parts of it and just explain how you feel and not use "you" statements.

This was a lesson I had to learn too: when trying to work out an issue in marriage if you focus on "winning" the argument nothing will be accomplished. If one of you wins, your relationship loses. It has to be a compromise.

I'm not sure if having a convo like that would help so your husband can really understand where you are coming from with being so frustrated in the bedroom, but it might help.

Also if he is really so u comfortable performing orally on you maybe you two could figure out a few new tricks. Hands can also be a fun option!! Also maybe a new toy?? You can use a more normal vibrator or try a vibrating ring that he could wear that would stimulate you during the deed! There's also some little vibrators that could be placed by your clit and can be controlled that can be used during intercourse if he doesn't feel comfortable having something on his parts. Maybe suggest a field trip to the adult store for some inspiration! It might even get the juices flowing for both of you trying something new. And if you seemed interested in something new maybe he will feel more open talking about some new things.

If he is still a no go on anything new drag him to the next obgyn appointment and ask the doc straight what's safe and what's not, that way he's not confused by any folk tales!

Sorry it's so long, but hopefully you can work something out together. It's no fun feeling unwanted by the one person you want. Something's bound to change! Worst case, he gets to know how you feel during that post baby no sex time!!

lynlopez · February 2015

Dam i dont even know where to begin! You guys should go to an erotic store and come up with ideas make sex fun. I do this with my bf we pick out certain things we like and try them out he wasnt very open before but now he likes going it open a new way to communicate sexually and is not shy to tell what he likes and vise versa. We also watch porn together. That's just some ideas and i honestly wish the your situation improves . Good luck

Chellz0684 · February 2015

@biaromoy‌ That is the crazy thing to me. I not only shower in the morning. I always shower before bed every night. Then I whipe with whippes only at nighttime just incase. In the Hot summers sometimes take a 3rd shower. He knows Im very clean I take more showers a day than he does.

@petrichor14‌ Giirl you hit the nail on the head on how I feel and how I am interpreting this whole thing. And that's what angers me so bad right now. I feel depressed and anxiety lately. It's taking a toll on me. Im not one to be quite and submissive. So things have to change. I can not live like this. I can't take the oral sex and foreplay off the table bc then I might as well stare at the wall while I have sex.

biaromoy · February 2015

And also, I don't think he realises how lucky he is to have a woman who is willing to stand by and sort this out and not just resort to finding attention elsewhere.

Chellz0684 · February 2015

biaromoy said:
And also, I don't think he realises how lucky he is to have a woman who is willing to stand by and sort this out and not just resort to finding attention elsewhere.

Thank you so much for that. I needed to hear that right now. For the simple fact im in my bedroom with the door close crying right now. I figure let it out while im by myself. Hopefully I feel less depressed after a good cry.

Chellz0684 · February 2015

Once again I'd like to thank all the ladies for giving me such positivity. This thread wasn't easy. I must have started writing it and deleted 3x. Thank you.

Mamamads · February 2015

Poor thing I am SO sorry you are dealing with this. I didn't read everyone's comments but I highly recommend LUBE and a vibrator for you guys to play with. I think instead of crying being like you need to do xyz. You need to take initiative and do things to turn him and yourself on. Sex is important to a relationship I don't care what anyone says, however when there is a real lack of intimacy in a relationship there is usually a deeper issue. If, despite your best efforts things just don't improve I would take him to see a sex therapist or couples counseling because it is unfair for you to live this way. Good luck!

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