MIL HORROR STORY

SammeMotley · February 2015

ok ladies I have never posted on a thread here before, but I must get this off my chest. Since the beginning of our relationship, my mother in law has become quite an annoyance in my life. At first, she was very nice, or so I thought. I realized after our first altercation it was only for show. When me and my husband were engaged, she protested it. Openly. In our ladies bible study class, which consisted of my mother and a few of her friends. I was not in the room yet and she made it obvious she didn't support us and it was too soon. She proceeded to ignore us. We were married quickly, and while some may have said we were married too quickly, we feel like we did what was right for us. We had support from my parents and even his father and the entire church. I became pregnant quickly after we were married. Almost instantly it seemed. We planned and hoped for this. During this time my husband tried talking to his mom via text. She only put him down saying he was stupid for marrying me, that I only wanted him to take care of my kids and myself. She has even text me and told me I was never welcome back to her house bc I was only wanting him to take care of us and I'm not what God wanted for her son. We would never be a family bc he would be taking care of someone else's child and basically that my kids didn't deserve a stable loving home. Against every single urge I had to respond, I declined. I remained silent. She stopped coming to church, mainly bc they supported our decision. Two months later, right before Christmas one Sunday morning we showed up for service and she was there. She openly and publicly apologized to me and I just accepted. Against confrontation and esp regarding the place I just gave in. She's been hateful towards me in the name we've chosen, we are having a girl & she wanted a boy, she's been obsessive over my delivery since day one. I have to have a csection due to two previous surgeries. My husband and I have decided we want to be the only ones to see her for only two hours after her birth. One of which I will be in recovery and won't be able to see her. I'm breastfeeding, which she is totally against. I've never breastfed before and I don't really need the criticism in her belief system. I've been ready The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and I'm trying to take in as much preparation as possible to be successful. My husband explained to her that she will have to wait after the baby is born for a limited amount of time so we could have some quiet time with our daughter to try to establish her to at least latch and bond with her. She flipped out. She said we just didn't want her around and we were selfish bc we had her life to bond with her and that she just wouldn't come around. I'm needing encouragement on this decision. I will not give in to her foolishness. I'm wondering, is it ever ok to cut your mother in law out of your life?? I can't take much more!! Sorry for length!! TIA

mccall35 · February 2015

Wow. All I can say is that sometimes there are people in your life who are toxic to your overall health and well being. It's unfortunate that she's your MIL, but she sounds like one of those people.

Where does your husband stand on potentially cutting ties with his mother? If you both agree that some space would be best for your family, then I would 100% support this decision (not that you need approval from an internet stranger).

Jut remember that nothing has to be permanent. You could just try distancing yourself for a little while to see how everyone feels. Maybe that would be all the motivation you MIL needs to realize her part in the issue at hand.

Regardless of what you decide though, you should have an open and honest discussion with her (even if it's uncomfortable for you guys, and even if she may react badly to such a conversation) so that your feelings are made known and everyone has an opportunity to get on the same page. It would be tough for anyone to be cut out of someone's life unannounced (especially if she honestly does not realize how hurtful she has been).

alcrimmins · February 2015

My MIL isn't a part of our lives. This is my DH choice due to several decisions she has made in the last 8 years. It's very difficult to imagine a life without her at first, then life moves on.
Your MIL needs to respect your families decisions. If she chooses to not be a part of your daughters life, that is her choice. She will either realize her mistakes at some point or she won't. You can't make her do anything she doesn't want to.

SammeMotley · February 2015

He's agrees 100%. I can't help but feel bad for him bc it's his first child and I'm sure it's devistating his mom acts this way. She told him that we will pay for all the hurt we are causing her. He explained very clearly no one was trying to hurt her, that this was a decision we made for the best interest of my breastfeeding experience and for us as a unit. I can't exactly say if I'm hurt by her reaction though. It's disgusting to me that a grown woman would throw such a childish fit over an infant that isn't hers. She's a huge control freak and she treats her own children the same. If they do not do what she wants, she stops talking to them. Almost as punishment to them. I can say though I'm almost relieved this time. I can't stand her drama and it seems that when she's around there's plenty. She's called her own daughter a whore in front of her granddaughters for not doing what she wanted and the girls are old enough to question the term and they did. And she explained it. I honestly don't want my kids around her. I'm tempted to find another church just to put space between us.

ceejay1315 · February 2015

OH my, I love reading other people's MIL horror stories because I feel like I connect with someone... my MIL is a total circus. I just never contact my MIL. She knows, I'm sure, that I'm super unimpressed with her stupid shenanigans and I think SHE even knows she's ridiculous, and that's why she respects my silence now. In the beginning (we were like you, got married super quick and pregnant super quick) she tried to pick fights with me, but I just shut her down with silence. If you don't feed into it, her efforts are lost and she will quickly move on to other drama with other people, if she's like my MIL.

The most important thing we did was be united.. my husband and I. We were very communicative, like I let him know when she was being sheisty and how she was making me feel, and when she would contact him separately from me he would tell her to check herself before she wrecks herself. She got the point quick, and since she's obsessed with being the most important person in his life (when she found out we were pregnant she said, "Well I guess I'm #2 now"... gag), she didn't want to risk losing him contacting her.

Bitches be cray, let's just remember this for someday when our bumps are getting married and we have to be MILs. Don't be crazy!!!

SammeMotley · February 2015

I totally feel your pain!!! @‌ceejay1315
I simply don't respond!! We are 100% United and she realized that when we got married anyways. She was absent from our wedding and my husband said she will be absent from this baby too. I absolutely hate this for him. I'm just afraid he's going to resent our decision down the road.

Katerina&Baby · February 2015

First, it is your and DH's choice what and how to feed your child. There was a huge propaganda campaign in the 80s for formula which is probably why she thinks it is "better" than breastfeeding so you're probably not going to change her mind but don't worry because you don't have to! She can think whatever she likes - you guys made a decision and that's what you're going with.

I am anticipating the same problem with my MIL because I also feel very strongly that I want 2 hours alone with my husband and the baby to bond, do skin-to-skin, and try to breastfeed and she's going to lose her shit (she was legit waiting in the waiting room the second my sister in law was admitted to labor & delivery). As long as you're not allowing ANY visitors during that time, she has no grounds to pretend that she is being persecuted and cut out of baby's life (feel free to point that out to her). Use her own argument against her - she has the baby's whole life to visit, but you only get one chance to do that initial bonding with your husband and baby right after birth. She can accept it or not but that IS what is going to happen. I would stay the course of being gentle but firm - the second you raise your voice, you lose (and you'll earn another batch of drama about how you "screamed and yelled" at her).

ksimo6 · February 2015

Here's the thing, you are never going to change her. You can only change how you and your DH react to her. Set your boundaries, be firm about them, and don't respond to any "crazy" she throws at you. Practice saying "I'm sorry you feel that way". And then practrice walking away.

I agree that this is sad for your DH, but if you both continue to entertain her tantrums, she will only continue them.

SammeMotley · February 2015

@Katerina&Baby‌ that is exactly how I feel!! I've told my mother and family the same thing and they are completely supportive of our decision. He even told her that it was only going to be us. I am still just blown away by her reaction and judging from my past experiences with her, I don't see it getting any better.

MJMum524 · February 2015

Cut her off and out of your life. Ugh that woman!!!!

HayesRN13 · February 2015

I'm an OB RN and it is very important you are alone with dad and baby for bonding and successful breastfeeding, immediately after birth. babies who latch on within the 1st hour and have uninterrupted skin to skin are more successful in breastfeeding long term. I would tell your nurse to be the one to say "baby needs to be alone we are going to have some skin to skin and try to latch on" we are not afraid to be the bad guys, babies go into shut down mode when there are a million visitors there and being passed around. Babies need to be on their mothers chest uninterrupted ... Don't feel bad at all telling her you guys need to be alone, it's your day and you need to do the best for baby

HayesRN13 · February 2015

... If your MIL shows up, tell your nurse your wishes and she will take care of it

laurendutch · February 2015

You can't even be admitted to the labor and delivery ward at my hospital unless you have a code. There is a locked door and you have to call in. Maybe you can shut off the phone and just not let her know. Another thought...don't even let her know that you are going into labor.call her after the fact and after the bonding time.

SammeMotley · February 2015

Well my delivery will be scheduled. I'm having another cesarian so I'm sure even if I don't tell her she will know. It just amazes me how someone can say I'm being selfish with my own newborn. I even talked to my ob Thursday and she agreed whole heartedly with us. My MIL is still being rude to me and my husband. I've just really come to the point where I don't care anymore. She can act however she wants, I don't have to be around her.

laurendutch · February 2015

I will just tell her that you will probably be the last surgery of the day and will not be out of recovery until the afternoon. And just make sure you get the first surgery of the day...that will at least give you the couple of hours to bond.

vic8504 · February 2015

Sorry to hear you are going through this with your MIL. I to can not stand my MIL and her back stabbing/guilt trip/lies. I would cut her out of our lives in an instant but DH is not willing to do that. We have gotten it down to her only visiting 1 time a week and I try to NOT be home when she comes.

I wouldn't change your mind about waiting 2 hours for visitors. Stand strong and don't let her come. If you have to tell her the c-section time is at least 2 hours later than it really is scheduled. That way when she shows up you already had your bonding time. I had DD at 1:11am and no one came to visit us until at least 10am it was the BEST thing ever. DH and I slept as much as we could in those 6 or so hours after we got in the room and everyone left us alone. Plus in those first couple of hours your pediatrician will come in and look at the baby. I also got super sick from the meds etc from my c-section so I needed that time to somewhat feel human again.

Good luck!

ooopswediditagain · February 2015

She sounds like a very toxic woman. I would cut her out complete. My MIL occasionally tries se bullshit. I'm a cop and when we were pregnant with DD before we were married she said "great when are you quitting your job a mom can't be doing a job like that". I shut her down so quick it was ridiculous. I just shut her down.. Immediately every time she tries nonsense. Now two kids later on to #3 and we are married and have been together 14 years...my new assignment is in charge of our Gang Unit and Human Trafficking Task Force. She can't handle it with my being pregnant. Finally told her she must be confused to think I care about her opinion.

Your MIL sounds way more toxic than mine. If DH is okay with it I would cut ties and be done with her crazy. Good luck mama.

cnorthrop1212 · February 2015

My MIL threw similar fits after my husband an I got together and had a child. The only real difference is he has 3 kids from a first wife that we now have sole custody of and MIL doesn't care for our joint child as much as she does the older three because he's a part of me and she hates me. He just turned 4 and she has nothing to do with any of the children now or us, it just became too toxic and hurtful for my husband to handle. I'm now 21 weeks pregnant and she has no idea anything about this baby and probably never will.

Sometimes as sad as it is you have to protect your children from someone who shouldn't be a danger. Our last straw was our older children seeing it happening an asking why isn't he good enough for grandma C.

Penwater1 · February 2015

It sounds like you have your hands full, and there's not much advice that I can give in such a limited space. However, when it comes to visitation in the hospital you can say that the hospital has and no visitation policy for the first 4 hours after birth especially want to c-section is involved. This is what I told my mom and I'm glad I did because we really needed that time to recover, and it saved hurt feelings. That way you can avoid unnecessary conflict.

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