Best option at 43 years old

nyc2015 · February 2015

I have just suffered me 2nd miscarriage. I feel I can no longer risk going through this again.

I have researched that IVF at 43 years old is highly unsuccessful. I was thinking of saving up like crazy and using a surrogate.

But it seems we can spend a ton of money and the IVF might not even work, or the surrogate has a high chance of miscarrying if we use my own eggs.

I am starting to think adoption is the best option.

I know I am just thinking aloud here and probably not making much sense. The pregnancy I just had for 10 weeks made me realize just how much I want us to have a baby.

I just feel lost with starting the adoption process. If anyone could please let me know a good rec for an agency in the NYC area, I would really appreciate it.

Thank you.

e74 · February 2015

Welcome! I'm so sorry for your losses. I don't know of any agencies in NYC, maybe intro and post that question on the adoption board...

lincoln79 · February 2015

We used gestational surrogate that we knew. It made it much more realistic financially.

I just wanted you to know that this is an option, because the initial sticker shock of agency surrogacy was overwhelming.

I am so sorry for your losses and hope you find the right path for your family.

1220winterbride · February 2015

I'm 42 and I have diminished ovarian reserve. Similarly, my loss history made me want a greater success rate so we chose donor eggs. The genetics from my husband were important to us over adoption at that point.

IRR · February 2015

Hi, I have been in your shoes as my last M/C was at 43 as well. I was open to adoption so I didn't go the ED route, however after the heartache we went through on the adoption route, we have been blessed with a family friend willing to be our surrogate. My advice after my adoption heartaches both emotionally and financially is if you are willing to carry, try an ED first. You are correct using your eggs at your age may not provide success but using a twenty-something y.o. eggs gives you a much higher chance of success. We are still waiting for our LO to be born, but hindsight tells me we were not meant to adopt and the state laws in NY are not the best for adoption either so you will need to look outside of your state. GL and let me know if you have questions about either process. I have been living in this world for the last 3 years.

JM1977 · February 2015

I am so sorry for your loss. Just checking to see why you are considering a GC vs. donor eggs or donor embryos. I know either of those are often good options for age-related IF issues. I wish you all the best moving forward. ((Hugs))

nyc2015 · February 2015

Thank you all so very much for the kind words and helpful advice. I am glad you are now on the good roads you are on.

My mc was just last week, so this is very new to me. Since I have had 2, and the first I was afraid I was going to die from blood loss, I am really, really petrified to be pregnant again. This last time I made it over 9 weeks and I had such severe nausea. Really I am not sure I can go through another mc, if it were to happen again.

I do realize now that ED is most likely the best way. I think I was in denial about the odds at age 43, but now I am realizing all the statistics are true. I just always had such hope.

I wish I knew someone willing to be a surrogate or a good way to find one on my own. The agency fees on top of everything else are outrageous. I will still look into this though, but perhaps only with an ED.

IRR- thanks for that info on NY adoption laws. I had no idea. Actually, I had no idea about any of this! I met my fiance later in life and really didn't get hit with the wanting to have a baby feeling until well after 40.

Thank you!!

IRR · February 2015

@nyc2015 Been there too, married at 40, but we did start trying right away, first MC was awful after 9 weeks and seeing the heartbeat, second I went straight for the D&C and then tried IVF twice but I never produced enough eggs for anything other than IUIs that lead nowhere. We went to adoption from there, and now we are on a finally a good path. I understand about not wanting to be pregnant but in some ways I wish I tried DE first before the adoption path. GL and please let me know if you have any questions.

chicagobride_07 · February 2015

Yes, I was 42 when I started the process, and after several failed IUI's, I knew I didn't really have a chance with OE. I did give birth to my DD using DE at 43.

Have you spoken with your RE? Maybe you wouldn't need a surrogate and you could carry, using DE. Best of luck to you!

nyc2015 · February 2015

Thank you both so much. I am glad you decided with path to take and lead to your babies. That is wonderful to hear.

I am so confused. F/u with doctor is in 2 weeks, so will find out options then. She started talking about freezing embryos and telling me how we could have a baby the day I found out of the missed miscarriage. Needless to say, it is all a blur what she was saying that day.

I am too scared for physical but also emotional reasons of a mc again. I do suppose there is a chance the dr. thinks I could carry DE to term but I am just too afraid.

Such a confusing time. Thanks again.

2MamazInSeattle · February 2015

Hi there, I'm so sorry for your losses. I had my donor egg baby at 43, she's 100% healthy. I know others have suggested this, and that you're scared and exhausted physically and emotionally from your losses, totally get it!

However, I'd talk to your doctor. Do you know why you're miscarrying? At 43, it's very possible the baby had an abnormality, and there's nothing wrong with your uterus. It's all about egg age, unless you have uterine issues. Not deterring you from adoption! But, donor egg cycles (esp. frozen) can be very affordable ($20k or less). For me, I didn't want any risk of a birth mom changing her mind, etc. And I wanted to control the pregnancy. Anyhow, I did have a fluke missed miscarriage at 16weeks which was awful, two FETs that failed, and a take home baby with our last frozen embryo. My RE gave me a 10% chance with my own eggs, 70% with donor eggs.

Best of luck!

nyc2015 · March 2015

Had trouble signing back on to the site. Want to thank you all so much for the helpful advice and support.

I still have not gone for my f/u visit. When i do, the doctor will have the test results - perhaps telling us what made

us lose this baby too.

I am thinking donor eggs would be the best option at 43, as you said. However, I am terrified of being pregnant again.

Thank you so much.

Klang14 · April 2015

nyc2015 I am so sorry for your losses.....I can relate, I guess most of us can

. We were in your shoes back in Oct and again in Dec when IVF didn't work. We made the choice to use DE w/my husbands sperm since I already have 2 biological sons and he has no children, it is important to us for the baby to have his genetics like 1220winterbride said above so I get that. I admit that it took some convincing with my husband as he thought it would be better for it to be neither of ours (adoption) rather than just one of ours genetically. I tend to think of nurture over nature being important

.... but as long as you and your significant other support and agree on your decision then its the right one for you!!!

I'm so glad to see all the DE success stories in this posting!......I have seen several replys that give us 40+ ladies hope and options!!! I have been looking for some positive info re: frozen DE's!!!

I am about to be 43 in april....my frozen DE's ship to my clinic on 4/14 and am waiting for AF to start ~4/22 and am prayerfully hoping for good thaw results, good fertilization results and hopefully several 5 day blasts to xfer in early May!

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