coming back to the states to give birth?

amooraxo · February 2015

My husband and I live in Qatar, for the time being while we are working and starting the immigration process for him. All along we have said that I would have the baby here but lately I'm feeling more and more nervous. I am away from my family and friends and it's not the same being with his family. I feel like (especially for my first baby) I really need my mom, sister and girl friends for support and help. Now we are frantically trying to figure out what to do and what is best. There are so many things involved... cost, traveling, leaving work, would I come back to Qatar (if so, when?).

I would love some opinions on this. I'm scared that my husband wouldn't be able to come for the birth if it was in the states, unless they allowed him to come on a visit visa (since his immigration will still be in process) and I don't know if I could be away from him.. Also, I don't have insurance back in the states and I have no idea what the cost of giving birth is (as of now, I'm low-risk and pray for no complications). Does anyone know the average cost?

It really depends on what they tell us for his immigration. If it will be completed within a couple of months after the baby comes then I can consider being away from him until he can come (I don't want to travel with a newborn-- it's 24 hours of traveling time). But if it's going to take longer, I think I'm going to have to suck it up and have the baby here.

Thinking about all of this has made me very stressed the last couple of days-- I had a breakdown on the phone with my mom and a headache for 2 days now. I need to chill and relax for mine and the babies health but I just want to get some clarity on what we are doing.

Frogger5 · February 2015

That does sound stressful. I don't know much about immigration, but I imagine that they wouldn't be able to tell you how much longer with any real accuracy.

Would your mom be able to visit for a month or two instead of you going to the states? The birth (assuming you go to a hospital and don't have insurance) would be a few thousand probably, which might be comparable to the cost of your mom visiting. However, if you are a US citizen, and you do plan to go home, maybe you can sign up for insurance so that you're covered.

Yikes, that's really just a bunch more questions and no real help, but I feel for you! I'm sad enough being across the country from my family, and they'll be visiting right away.

amooraxo · February 2015

Thanks @Frogger5

Unfortunately my mom wouldn't be able to come-- she's not able to leave her job for that long, and it's not close enough to where we could tell her "I'm in labor, come now"... it's just too far away.

I will be back in the states on February 14th and we plan to meet with an immigration attorney during that time so maybe they will be able to answer some questions for us. It's just hard because we don't really have a lot of time to make these plans and decide. I love my husbands family, but they aren't my family and I'm not that close with them, nor do I feel comfortable with them like I do my own family.

delujm0 · February 2015

An uncomplicated birth without insurance would likely cost under $10k. However if you plan to get an epidural, or of you wind up needing a CS that cost will easily double, if not triple. I wouldn't consider giving birth in the US without insurance. Healthcare costs are insane here especially for the uninsured.

I think I'd wait out the immigration process and then move back. Babies can fly as early as 6 weeks, and that way you can be with your husband. Having your family around would be great at first but you're going to have to figure this out without them regardless. My family (and my husband's family) are only about at 8 hour drive away, and we still don't expect them to be here for more than a few days each. And honestly I don't think we'd want them here any longer than that. It sounds like a great idea now but it will be different when we're exhausted and trying to bond with our new baby and having to deal with visitors on top of that will get tiresome after a few days.

ChrisLipstick · February 2015

I have a very similar story. With my first son, I was living in Cambodia. I considered going back to Canada (where I am from) for the birth, but my husband and I decided on Thailand (only a 50 min flight). Cost was a factor as my insurance would only cover $3000 for a normal birth and also the fact that my husband isn’t Canadian and visas can be very difficult. Honestly, I am so happy with my decision. I got care at a world-class hospital that looked like a five-star hotel with a team of three nurses, OB, and a dedicated anesthesiologist at my bed the whole time. I would never have gotten the same level of care in Canada. My mom did come for a month which was super helpful in getting adjusted to life with baby.

Now I am living in Jordan and planning to stay here for baby number two. We looked at flying back to Canada but the cost of flying (at least $4000), extra time I would need off work, and two days of miserable travel squished in an airplane are totally not appealing. There are amazing hospitals here and I have talked to several new moms from my son’s play group that have wonderful things to say about the high quality of care they received here. I am pretty sure Qatar also has amazing hospitals. Have you talked to any expats who have given birth there recently?

I totally understand wanting to be around your family. I also understand how difficult visas can be (at least for Canada). If your husband has already finished and submitted his residency application, it might be easier to get a tourist visa as you can quote your residency application number (at least in my case). FYI – my husband applied for permanent residency as my spouse in March 2013 and we are still waiting. I would not assume he can come join you in the US soon.

christineoxox · February 2015

We are in a similar situation.
I'm Australian and hubby is Syrian, but he has been living and working as an engineer in Dubai for 11 years (I've been here for 2 years since we got married).
We have applied for hubby's visa, but due to the issues in Syria at the moment Syrians are pretty much blacklisted so we'll be waiting a while.
We have decided that I will give birth in Australia as the standard of care is much higher than here in Dubai, plus all my family and friends are there.
Hubby will apply for a tourist visa if we haven't heard anything about his residency by about April. Hopefully it will be approved. We will travel back to Dubai once baby is about 5 weeks.

It's a pretty stressful time so I know exactly how you feel. If you really want to go home for the birth, just do it. It's all about you being comfortable in this stressful situation and your happiness.

Mama-Bear · February 2015

I'm not sure but I think NB's can fly immediately after birth, I've never heard the 6w rule and in the surrogacy world there are parents from all over the world using US surro's, I know they're not waiting weeks and weeks to fly home, and even parents on the other side of the country from the surro fly home with their new baby.

Personally, there's no way I'd have a baby without my husband. Parents and siblings are great and all, but what's more important to you, having your mom and sister there or having your husband, your baby's father there? Also, I wouldn't be so blase about just staying here for a month or so after baby's born if your H can come that quick. As soon as your baby's born your life is changed forever and is always changing. Sure the baby will sleep a lot, but your body is going to be going through some crazy changes all at once, your baby will have no concept of time, you may have some sort of complication, etc.

A normal vaginal delivery in the states is generally around the $10k range. If you have a c/s that's at least triple. If there's ANYTHING wrong and baby needs NICU time, then you're looking at real medical expenses. I wouldn't recommend planning on coming here and delivering without insurance, if you were visiting and you went into labor early then it happened and there's nothing you can do about it, but I couldn't imagine planning for it.

christineoxox · February 2015

You're right Mama-Bear‌ most airlines allow infants to fly at 7 days old (emirates airlines definitely does) but in my case we're flying later because we need time to get baby's birth certificate and passport.

amooraxo · February 2015

Thanks for sharing ladies-- I really had no idea how many of you actually had/having similar situations with being pregnant abroad.

@ChrisLipstick -- I am meeting with an attorney in a couple of weeks when I am back home to see about the specifics of our immigration case and how long we can expect, but when I was at the US Embassy here a couple of weeks ago I was told that if we did the process from here, together, it would take about 4-6 months. I'm not sure if it depends on where my husband is from or anything like that, so I hope the attorney will be able to provide more information.

@Mama-Bear -- I agree, being away from my husband would be very hard and I'm not even sure I can handle it... however, his family here is kind of overbearing and the culture about new mothers is different and what they do is not what I want when I give birth. Basically the new mother stays with her mother (in my case, mother in law), sister or other female relative for at least 1-2 months... away from her husband. The women take turns caring for the child in an effort to help the new mom. I get that this is what they do, but this is not what I want. I want to be alone with my baby and my husband and I just feel like that's not gonna happen here. His mother is too traditional and stuck in the culture to let us do differently and I feel I'm going to have a breakdown about it.

@delujm0 -- I am praying the immigration process is an easy and fast one... and we don't run into any problems. I just want us to be home, together as a family in the US!

hassibri · February 2015

@amooraxo‌ Good luck! My husband is German and Germany has a relatively tight bond with the USA and from start to finish where he got his Visa, it took 6 months. It's ALOT of paperwork and you will need to prove intent of domicile there aka you've taken steps to establish a place to live. If you have any questions, feel free to pm me! Ps. Can you get insurance so quickly? It's going to be a load of money.

henrytviii · February 2015

Sounds like a tough situation and I can understand why you are anxious about giving birth away from family & friends. It's certainly not the same distance but when I had my first my family and I were both in the US but 6 hours away by plane and my father was in the final stages of a terminal illness. I knew in advance no one would be able to come out for the birth or afterwards. I thought I was fine with this, but similarly found I myself feeling very anxious about the situation around 20 weeks. At that point we hired a Doula to help with the birth and to be an extra support person for us before, during, and after delivery, outside of my in-laws who I didn't feel that comfortable with. She was a wonderful help in making me feel more comfortable and supported and the cost was very reasonable. Are there any American Doula's in Qatar you could connect with? I checked dona.org but didn't see any listings.

Good luck with everything.

amooraxo · February 2015

henrytviii said:

Sounds like a tough situation and I can understand why you are anxious about giving birth away from family & friends. It's certainly not the same distance but when I had my first my family and I were both in the US but 6 hours away by plane and my father was in the final stages of a terminal illness. I knew in advance no one would be able to come out for the birth or afterwards. I thought I was fine with this, but similarly found I myself feeling very anxious about the situation around 20 weeks. At that point we hired a Doula to help with the birth and to be an extra support person for us before, during, and after delivery, outside of my in-laws who I didn't feel that comfortable with. She was a wonderful help in making me feel more comfortable and supported and the cost was very reasonable. Are there any American Doula's in Qatar you could connect with? I checked dona.org but didn't see any listings.

Good luck with everything.

I would love to have a doula or even a midwife-- unfortunately in Qatar "alternative" and "holistic/natural" approaches are not common. Water births and home births are actually illegal in the country (sadly, as I would love a water birth at a birthing center for an option).

I will keep searching and ask my doctor when I see her this weekend to get cleared to fly next week.

I have decided that I absolutely cannot have this baby without my husband-- it's not even an option for me. So it's pretty clear that there is no way for us to get the immigration process finished and leave before the baby comes (since I won't want to fly after about mid-May at the latest). But with getting the process going, hopefully it doesn't take too long and then we will be able to go back to US after everything is done, maybe August or September.

@hassibri -- what was the process like for you with the immigration? Were you living together with him in Germany during the process? They informed us that if we are in Qatar together during the process that it would go much faster than if I was in the US and him in Qatar. I have a house in the US and lived there all my life before coming here early last year for our engagement and wedding. PM me if you prefer, I really appreciate the help and insight!

Trampslikeus · February 2015

my friends are having a baby thru a surrogate in Mexico and have been told it could take up to 8 weeks for all of the paperwork to clear in order for them to come back in to the US. Between getting a passport, immigration paperwork, and legal paperwork related to the surrogacy, there is a lot to deal with to get back here with the baby. Of course coming IN to the US is usually harder than leaving it, but still, I would not expect to be able to head back as early as 7 days. as for insurance, one little - even minor - complication could turn a 8-10k bill in to a 15-20k bill. I would not consider giving birth in a US hospital without comprehensive health insurance. but i also know I want my mom nearby too... so I know how you must be feeling. I know its not really the same - but is having her there on skype an option?

ChrisLipstick · February 2015

@ammooraxo I am glad you have made a decision you are comfortable with. I am just wondering if you could speak to any of your friends or family back home about coming to visit for a while after LO is born? Even one week with your mom might be super helpful right after birth. I know for me those first 3-4 weeks were really an adjustment and it helped that my mom was there to reassure me.

Also, have you looked into any other support networks in Qatar like a breastfeeding support group?

amooraxo · February 2015

@Trampslikeus‌ ugh I know the hospital bills can just get out of control without having any insurance. And that is one of the nice things here... the private hospital including normal vaginal birth and 2 nights stay without insurance is about $4,000 ... so at least half of the cost as in the states. And I have to say that although I would feel more comfortable at home, the prenatal care that I have received thus far has been very good.

@ChrisLipstick‌
It's hard for people to come visit us because of the distance and the cost of flights... it's at least $1200 round trip to get here. Not to mention no one really wants to come in the summer when it's 120° and humid. Lol.

I am anxious to see what the attorney says and we will be able to make some better, more informed decisions then... I'm just praying we can get the immigration stuff done and be out of here by September or October.

skhchich · February 2015

Are you on any expat women Facebook groups for Qatar? I'm on a few for morocco (where my hubby is from), and these exact situations are discussed all the time. I'd get on a group like that and post what you've posted above. The ladies there should be able to give more specific advice and insights, as well as possibly hook you up with local resources to ache ice the kind of birth you want. If there are English speaking doulas in your area, you'll probably find them through one of these groups, as Dona won't have record of them all. Good luck and Mabrok!

Emilywooddesign · February 2015

You also have to consider when you would be flying back to the states to deliver. I used to be a flight attendant and I can't remember the exact cut off time but I think it's 32 weeks- that means you would be away from your husband during the last stretch of your pregnancy and you might really need the support ( I'm a FTM myself but I can imagine during the end it can get a bit overwhelming) im sorry this is stressful for you, I also couldn't imagine being away from my mom and girlfriends when I was about to have a baby, best of luck to you.

ajgerber · February 2015

I would actually lean towards staying there as long as the medical care is decent.

For me, having my mom there before or during delivery was not a big deal (a few hours away so she came after). I would much prefer having someone there in the weeks and months after because that is when I had way more questions and just felt like I needed support. Becoming a mom wasn't an easy adjustment for me or natural. I felt like I was constantly googling things because I had no idea what to do.

jclx2 · February 2015

You are correct, your hubby will get his permanent residency faster if you declare that you are still living abroad. The speed will then depend on the number of applications at the embassy. We had to wait for 14 months for my husbands green card but I apply for it as I live in the US and he lives in the UK. I would consider applying for visitor visa for your husband so you can deliver at home with your family. It's all about what kind environment you are comfortable with and trust. I agree with everyone else that it's best to find expats who might know more about what Qatar can offer!

amooraxo · February 2015

jclx2 said:

You are correct, your hubby will get his permanent residency faster if you declare that you are still living abroad. The speed will then depend on the number of applications at the embassy. We had to wait for 14 months for my husbands green card but I apply for it as I live in the US and he lives in the UK. I would consider applying for visitor visa for your husband so you can deliver at home with your family. It's all about what kind environment you are comfortable with and trust. I agree with everyone else that it's best to find expats who might know more about what Qatar can offer!

Thank you for sharing about your experience. Did it take 14 months because you were in the states and he was in the UK during the process? Did they tell you that it would be easier to be together or living abroad together during the process? From what I've ready that it's best to be together, whether living abroad together or doing it in the US together. The guy at the US Embassy here in Qatar told me it usually takes them about 4 months but to plan 6 months just to be sure. That seems so fast though-- because even to get my police clearance from the FBI in US takes 16 weeks... and that's for 1 background check. I don't want to put it in my mind that it will happen in 6 months when that's not realistic. Also, since we've been married less than 2 years I guess he will be on conditional immigration visa. Was this what your husband had?

amooraxo · February 2015

skhchich said:

Are you on any expat women Facebook groups for Qatar? I'm on a few for morocco (where my hubby is from), and these exact situations are discussed all the time. I'd get on a group like that and post what you've posted above. The ladies there should be able to give more specific advice and insights, as well as possibly hook you up with local resources to ache ice the kind of birth you want. If there are English speaking doulas in your area, you'll probably find them through one of these groups, as Dona won't have record of them all. Good luck and Mabrok!

I'm not in any groups-- there was a "Doha Mums" group of expat mothers but you have to interview and pay a membership fee to be apart of their group. Maybe there are forums that are better options. I did find the name of a doula in Qatar and also of a hypnobirthing place that does classes that I want to look into.

amooraxo · February 2015

Emilywooddesign said:

You also have to consider when you would be flying back to the states to deliver. I used to be a flight attendant and I can't remember the exact cut off time but I think it's 32 weeks- that means you would be away from your husband during the last stretch of your pregnancy and you might really need the support ( I'm a FTM myself but I can imagine during the end it can get a bit overwhelming) im sorry this is stressful for you, I also couldn't imagine being away from my mom and girlfriends when I was about to have a baby, best of luck to you.

I can't imagine how I would feel being away from my husband. We haven't been away from each other in a year... and even going back to the states for a couple weeks this month is gonna be hard. I'm just stuck in a bad position-- I want to be with my husband, but I want to be home also

I wish I could have both.

amooraxo · February 2015

I feel like all of this stress and anxiety is causing me to miss out on the excitement I should be having for this baby and experience. I haven't been sleeping good and it's been really hard on me. I just pray that we get some answers and can make the best choice for us.

I really appreciate all of you ladies reaching out to share your suggestions and stories... I really feel alone here sometimes

so, it means a lot to me.

virginiaunicorn11 · February 2015

I'm an American, living in Germany with my husband, and this is my/our first pregnancy. Will have the baby in Germany, without friends or family around. My doctor said a newborn can basically fly whenever (breast feed or use a bottle or pacifier during takeoff and landing), but the mother should wait until 6 weeks after birth before flying. She said flights longer than 6-8 hours, after 30 weeks (check airline requirements - some allow flying up to 36 weeks) just mean I'll need a heparin shot (assuming I am healthy then). For me, it is important to lean on my husband and actually not get my mother or friends too involved in the pregnancy. I wish things could be different, but the more I talk to them, the more I miss them. My relationship with my husband has become so much stronger, since this has become something we are doing "alone" together. But each circumstance is different, and is know how stressful all this is. Wishing you peace of mind and lots of luck.

amooraxo · February 2015

amark11 said:

I'm an American, living in Germany with my husband, and this is my/our first pregnancy. Will have the baby in Germany, without friends or family around. My doctor said a newborn can basically fly whenever (breast feed or use a bottle or pacifier during takeoff and landing), but the mother should wait until 6 weeks after birth before flying. She said flights longer than 6-8 hours, after 30 weeks (check airline requirements - some allow flying up to 36 weeks) just mean I'll need a heparin shot (assuming I am healthy then). For me, it is important to lean on my husband and actually not get my mother or friends too involved in the pregnancy. I wish things could be different, but the more I talk to them, the more I miss them. My relationship with my husband has become so much stronger, since this has become something we are doing "alone" together. But each circumstance is different, and is know how stressful all this is. Wishing you peace of mind and lots of luck.

Is your husband German? How is the healthcare there? I've heard from some German colleagues of mine that the woman working there get a ton of maternity leave time there-- fully paid! It is so hard being away from family and friends-- especially with a first pregnancy and not knowing what to expect! Good luck and I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy

amooraxo · February 2015

Unfortunately the last month has been very hard on our marriage. We are living with his family (mom, dad, 2 sisters and 2 brothers) and I am starting my masters online at the beginning of March. I told my husband that it would be best for us to get our own apartment (I even found one less than 5 min away from the family house) so that I could have some space and privacy with doing my classes and preparing for the baby. Right now we don't have any space or privacy and it's very difficult for me coming from the traditional American style of living (I moved out when I went to college at 18 and have lived alone or with 1 roommate ever since). I am not comfortable with his mom being so involved and overbearing and it's causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. This past week I have had a few panic attacks (most recently yesterday at work). I love my husband dearly and I hate what this is doing to us-- but am I being unreasonable and selfish? to ask for our own place for my own health and happiness? Not to mention, we are still newlyweds (August 2014).

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