Men that don't help!

iamk4y · February 2015

prepare your self for a little moan!
My partner works Monday-Friday (go him!) I also attend university Wednesday-Friday And work Saturday and Sunday.
So it's pretty fair to say we both lead a busy life.
The only thing is, being pregnant, doing all that AND taking care of the house is absolutely killing me! I'm exhausted!
My washing pile is the size of Everest!
Every time I ask for more help from him, he snaps at me and calls me ungreatful and says he's always tired! I wish he knew how I felt.

Any suggestions on how I could get him to understand I need more help in the house and it's not just my responsibility.

Thank you, katie xx

irenejean · February 2015

Ugh, how annoying! I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I hope he comes around soon and realizes how exhausting being pregnant actually is.

iamk4y · February 2015

I know! It's infuriating! The worst part is he makes me feel bad for it! Arghhh, I'm about to go all raging hormones on him!

rablissful · February 2015

I would try to sit down and talk to him (calmly) about how now that you're pregnant you WILL need more help from him around the house.

My SO pulled the same thing- kept coming home and saying he's tired. I told him I'm working full time AND trying to grow a tiny human and that I NEEDED him to help out more. Since then, he's been great. Does a lot of things without me asking and doesn't complain (too much) if I do ask him to do something. He's starting to realize how exhausted I really am lately.

iamk4y · February 2015

That's the thing hun, there's only so many times I can sit him down And plead with him. I've explained how tired I am. He knows how Ill the baby is making me too. He's there when I fall asleep at 8.30pm.
I could sit and cry!

I'm so glad that you're getting the help you need! Xx

ravenclaw1 · February 2015

He sounds like a jackass

iamk4y · February 2015

It's a shame he comes across like that, if only he knew!

WheresTheGlow · February 2015

@iamk4y Go all super hormonal crazy on him. Hopefully that will work since sitting and talking isn't. I read a wonderful article from a husband's point of view of pregnancy, and his wife threw a vacuum at him, and although he was cursing at her under his breath, he was vacuuming while doing it, LoL...If that still doesn't work, try calling his mom ;;)

iamk4y · February 2015

@WheresTheGlow‌ haha I love that! I may separate his washing from mine and tell him to do his own in future! And make his own meals!
If that doesn't work, I will definitely be calling the in law hahaha!!

bracybabies · February 2015

Haha my first thought was CALL BOTH GRANDMAS lol. Or just STOP doing the things that aren't absolutely necessary. Only wash YOUR dishes and YOUR clothes. Minimally. Show him you're doing your part, and that this is a partnership. Remind him that he made this baby too, and if you're carrying it for 9months the least he can do is clean up after himself.

iamk4y · February 2015

Thanks ladies! He needs to learn soon, because in September it's going to be a hell of a lot harder!
He's currently having a sulk!

He's usually not like this, but since I got pregnant, he's been useless! Not a clue what happened there!

candace3308 · February 2015

Oh man, I hope yall are able to work things out.

I work 40 hours a week, my husband works 60 hours a week and we have an 8 year old. Even though he works so much he still finds time to do a load of clothes, wash dishes, cook dinner. If he isn't working then he is trying to find a way to make it a bit easier on me. I'm not sure how he does it all but I am so grateful.

I wish the very best for you and your partner. I hope he gets the hint soon.

iamk4y · February 2015

@candace3308‌ thanks Hun, you sound like one lucky lady to have a man look after you so much! He sounds like one hell of a man!
Thanks for the well wishes! X

mbowling2343 · February 2015

Honey you need a man, not a little boy. When my husband started that stuff I told him I would leave

prettynp01 · February 2015

Go on strike dont do anything for him. Let him see how much you do. He will get the picture then.

shaunnar053 · February 2015

etc35173 said:
In response to your thread topic. Men help...immature little boys don't. My advice is to seriously give him a reality check now or you're going to be taking care of two babies come September.

Perfectly said.

iamk4y · February 2015

Guess who's making dinner! Let's see how long this lasts lol ☺️

off2thefunnyfarm · February 2015

Honestly, what you need is couples therapy because people don't change unless they want to, and it sounds like he doesn't want to/doesn't care. If it's like this now, it's only going to be the same (or worse) when the baby is born and you will have quite a handful.

v1wwo · February 2015

Oh hell no girl friend. You lay down the law now!
When the baby comes there is no such thing as "I'm tired."
If my husband said a thing like that to me he knows there will be hell to pay. There are days here I am home in bed sick and he gets home from work makes dinner and cleans up because I can't.

Ali+Cee · February 2015

If that we're my husband he'd be living off top ramen and wearing stinky clothes

. My husband tried pulling that card when I got pregnant with our first and he learned quickly it wasn't gonna fly in our household haha. I think he just doesn't want to deal with the crazy wrath of me with raging hormones this time, so he's helped more this time around. Plus our energetic 1 year old keeps us pretty busy, so I think he's had no choice but to transition into helping more.

lzgraggen · February 2015

This may sound stupid but it worked for me (mind you, ever since we found out I was pregnant, my husband does 75% of the housework without being asked at this point). I sat down with my husband last year and we divided up the house work. That way each of us was responsible for doing something the other one hated, and I could bring up that he was in charge of taking out the garbage when it had piled up. My hubby was pretty receptive to that.

iamk4y · February 2015

I spoke to one of my older girlfriends and she's told me to make a rota. He's home alone Saturday and Sunday and I'm home alone Monday and Tuesday.

As my kitchen and washing machine is in the cellar and my tumble dryer in the spare room, I find it hard to carry washing up and down two flights of stairs. I think that shall be on his list of jobs ☺️

iamk4y · February 2015

You guys are all great by the way, seriously! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

indogbeersiveonlyhadone · February 2015

I just say "you want sex??? You'll do x,y and z with a Eff'ing smile"
Works like a charm hahaha half the time I fall asleep before he can get his "reward" and he just makes me promise in the morning before he leaves for work it'll happen tonight bahahahaha

iamk4y · February 2015

@indogbeersiveonlyhadone‌ you are one naughty lady! But I like your style!!!!

kaylaef · February 2015

lzgraggen said:
This may sound stupid but it worked for me (mind you, ever since we found out I was pregnant, my husband does 75% of the housework without being asked at this point). I sat down with my husband last year and we divided up the house work. That way each of us was responsible for doing something the other one hated, and I could bring up that he was in charge of taking out the garbage when it had piled up. My hubby was pretty receptive to that.

This worked for me too. My partner is far from lazy and always helpful. But he doesn't think mmmmm there's dishes I should do them...But if I ask him, is never an argument.

barrelocarol · February 2015

I just want to say this: I don't know if this is his first child or not, but men just don't react well to pregnancy, regardless of how they feel.

They are overwhelmed. They don't express themselves like we do. They bottle up the pressure. They explode like jerks. They don't willingly share their feelings. They feel inadequate. They wonder if they will fail. They react just so poorly.

My assumption is that he is a good man, and there is great mutual love. Even with all that, men just don't have the support network women do. It makes them unruly and ridiculous.

If sitting down with him to talk isn't working, I wonder if spending time affirming him would work. Tell him you know he is under so much pressure. Tell him you imagine he must be so nervous ("I can't even help my partner, how can I take care of a child??") It might take weeks to turn around. But he might not even know what he is feeling!

My DH is an awesome dude. When we surprise found out that we were pregnant, he turned into a crazy person. He was ridiculous and all over the place. He won't admit it, but he knows he just went silently nuts in his head. He had no idea what he was feeling. Even when I asked, it didn't sink in and he just reacted so poorly. (So did I, by the way)

One day, his dad told him about the nervousness he felt when his wife was pregnant for the first time...and how it never felt real until he was handed a child in the delivery room. He heard this exact message from a few other men he trusts. I don't know if that was the exact catalyst, but he has gone back to his awesome, albeit oblivious, self...but he is much more engaged (and fun) in our pregnancy.

And yes, I refer to it as our...bc man alive, we are in this together...hormones, symptoms, laundry and all!

cjstats87 · February 2015

We set up an agreement of he washes and dries and I fold and put away...sometimes we switch or even do the others but it's the little things and we also try to take turns with vacuuming and dusting too! It doesn't happen often but hey every little bit helps!

ClaireCecilia · February 2015

I know men have a hard time at first with pregnancy. With #1 he didn't really connect with the baby until she was born, I think it was hard for him to realize there was an actual true baby in there. Sounds silly but when I was pregnant with my 2nd and he had seen the birth of the 1st, he was changed for the better.

He gets weird when I get pregnant since he doesn't get the alone time we used to have when not pg. Im not in the mood ever and I think it leads him to just act different.

Men just have a hard time expressing how they feel and it seems like they are almost jealous of the baby and pregnancy taking top priority. I hope your husband helps more. Mine helps in some ways but needs to take more responsibility before I lose my mind.

Men need to be told exactly what to do because they suck at reading minds! haha

iamk4y · February 2015

You are all wonderful! We spoke a lot (I cried a lot lol) last night and I think it may have sunken in!
Yippee
We lost our first in July at 18w, so I think he's been trying to detach his self in case it happens again. I managed to get him to understand that I'm in the same boat too and I lost a child as well and unfortunately my body is the one the suffered. We both had a good cry and a cuddle and everything seems positive today!

Thanks again ladies xxx

andreae0226 · February 2015

Call his mother. That's what I had to do prior to becoming pregnant for my husband to get with the program. He's a great man, but he lacked in the "I have arms and legs, I should help" department. We would always argue about who did more, and I would always feel disappointed. Now, he's much better, but I owe most of that to his mom who basically told him if he didn't want to participate then he shouldn't be married. I think that scared him straight!
On another note, no matter what my husband has read or been told,I don't think he or most men will understand how truly exhausting being pregnant is...He thinks I'm exaggerating but I ignore it and take a nap!
It will all work out, just keep taking care of yourself and less of him. He'll get the picture!

snikai · February 2015

I would use his money to hire a cleaning company, lol. Or have friends and/or family come over to help as often as possible. If he doesn't like it then he can help out.

irenejean · February 2015

OP, I'm glad you guys talked it out! It sounds like you have a better understanding of each other's feelings now, that's awesome!

cmehlhof · February 2015

Sounds like you need to discuss meeting each other's needs , mine has been the exact opposite he acts like I'm disabled and won't let me do anything , I'm a neat freak and want to clean my house and can't lol

va74momof2 · February 2015

Buy him the book "Your Gonna Be a Dad". There are a lots of books and resources for women, but not so much for men. Unfortunately, they just don't have an innate sense like we do! It is a really great book and I bought for my husband and it has helped him.

chibimeeko · February 2015

I love you guys :-) Nothing to add that hasn't been said, but I just love the feisty mamas on this board. Lessons learned in putting my foot down! And frankly, I'm so tired now that my DH is getting pretty clear on what it means when I say I can't.

Just use my new standard: "I made fingers and eyelids today. What did you do?"

Kat0730 · February 2015

That is unacceptable. You need to nip this in the bud now. If not, your baby is going to grow up with role models that embody the worst of male-female stereotypes. If your partner refuses to help, don't argue with him about it, just stop doing housework for him. Cook for yourself and do your own laundry, but don't do a thing for him. I would be livid if I were in your position. Sorry you're having to go through that.

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