Mother-In-Law....

leelee1112 · February 2015

My MIL keeps buying stuff for the baby that I don't want in the first place, and to top it off it's USED stuff!!! I don't want a bunch of used items for my baby, and I don't know how to politely put a stop to this. Anyway else overwhelmed by your MIL buying too much, especially when you have your heart set on other items that you'd much rather prefer?

Disneygeek77 · February 2015

I don't know if there is a polite way to say something. IMO, having a baby is no different than a birthday or Christmas and all you can do is simply smile, say " Thank You " and do with the items as you please.

For example, my grand parents IL get me new kitchen towels for Christmas. Now, I don't want or need new kitchen towels, but I still thank them for their gift.

Now, that being said, if you don't want to use her gifts, you don't have to. If she ask where they items she bought are, then you can delicately tell her the truth that you donated her gifts or whatever.

mrspark812 · February 2015

Maybe suggest she use it all at her house? That way you can buy what you want for your house but she has a stash of stuff at her place just in case.

As for talking to her..I'd have you DH politely mention to her that as much as you appreciate the kind gesture you were actually looking at some different products for your LO and give an example (this car seat vs that one or whatever). It's his mom so I think she will respond better to him. Maybe have him ask her to ask your thoughts on something before she buys it, that way you can politely veto stuff before she buys it.

SofiaIsabel · February 2015

welcome to my world ! lol. I've been dealing with this for 9 yrs. My MIL is a hoarder. Every week she spends her entire paycheck at the flea market. Every birthday/holiday she gives us items like used clothes, shoes, towels, sheets etc. My husband and I have been telling her for YEARS to stop giving us stuff that we aren't gonna use. We tell her all the time that it just gets thrown away but she continues to do it anyway. When I was pregnant with my DS every week she showed up with disgusting used baby stuff. I mean DISGUSTING, a walker and playpen that still had crusty food and saliva all over it, baby clothes with shit stains and spit up, books that were chewed on, etc. It was so exhausting telling her no all the time that we just gave up. Now we just smile and say thank you. The moment she walks out the door straight to the dumpster it goes. I'm pregnant now with DS #2 so I'm just waiting for it, I know it's coming ! lol. So I guess my advice is if asking her politely to stop doesn't work, smile say thank you and to the trash/donation it goes

Coastiegirl35 · February 2015

This is a sensitive area. Tread lightly. My MIL buys me dust-collecting figurines. For example: we got married and I got a ceramic figurine; I am pregnant and I got a ceramic figurine; she said when I have the baby she is getting me another one. ENOUGH! I don't like that kind of stuff. In my eyes, it is junk. I wish she would spend her money on necessities for us, like diapers and wipes. Then again, she asks every year what I want for Christmas and I tell her gift cards, and every year I get another bag that I don't need - and sometimes they are monogrammed. I feel ungrateful for thinking this way. I don't express it to her, I just grin and say thank you like a good DIL. Sigh.

mrsg27 · February 2015

Yeah, there isn't a polite way of saying you don't like a gift and even more so that you don't want it. My H's family and my step family give gift receipts with the gifts which I think is weird but incredibly helpful. I'm sorry about your situation, but unless your H says something (since that's his mom) there isn't anything you can politely do to stop the gift giving. Like a PP said, just toss it after.

hopefullilly · February 2015

First of, you don't say anything. It'DH's job to tell her you don't want the stuff.

Second, perhaps she is giving you second hand stuff because she wants to shower her grandchild with gifts but couldn't afford that many other wise? I'd get to the bottom of the reason and try to make her feel that the best way to show love for her grandchild is to give gifts that you want/need.

Third, if all else fails, tell her to stop buying for a while because you want to go together. And then you can guide the shopping.

audi681 · February 2015

Very politely say something like "this stuff is so great, but I'd feel bad if you spent money on something that I have my heart set on for registry." Then maybe start showing her the newer things you want to make her feel included. Ask for her opinions on them, and maybe she will get the hint.

irelandsangel81 · February 2015

Can you suggest she keep the things at her house for when baby visits?

leelee1112 · February 2015

She has plenty of money & lives a very comfortable lifestyle. This is also her first grandchild, so I'm quite confused by the used stuff. So far it's been a walker & bouncer. I may suggest she keep those things at her house & have my husband go over to clean them really good. Thank God my mom bought the crib for us, because she was looking at used cribs and gliders. I guess it doesn't help that I'm super peculiar & picky, but she knows this about me.

audi681 · February 2015

Don't feel picky. I teach kindergarten and am constantly appalled at the level of cleanliness that some families keep.

crason · February 2015

Unless the used items were in bad condition, covered in Winnie the Pooh or gender-specific, I'd be over the moon excited for them. The more used furniture and clothing we get, the more people can spend on diapers and wipes.

woahkayla21 · February 2015

I'm at the opposite side of the spectrum. My MIL has basically tried to register for us, and has even told me that she picked everything out that we need. Thats a thoughtful gesture, but we have had some really nice items handed down to us that we want to use, to save money.

I would suggest that she use these things at her home! Have your DH be bluntly honest, that you two have picked out things together that you love. Good luck!

Mark51610 · February 2015

It's one thing to buy used items for yourself or for her to buy them for use at her home. That being said, there are some things I would never buy used or use that were purchased not new. For example, a pack n play. Babies jump in them, weakening them. Also, you can't sanitize them. Plastic toys are one thing as you can wipe them down with bleach. I'd never buy a used nattress or use a used mattress. Like I mentioned babies jump in their cribs weakening the support. As to what to say to her, maybe politely tell her thank you, but you will soon be starting a registry with items you and your husband have selected. While you appreciate her generosity you would appreciate the items for your baby to be new, particularly certain items. Maybe if her birthday is around the corner go to Goodwill and buy her some clothes. Maybe then she'll understand.

cecilespies · February 2015

Oh, aren't they just the best! [-(
My MIL does the same, I just say I already have it and she must keep the extras at her house for when the baby is staying over. Wich is never.

Steph3682 · February 2015

Hubby needs to deal with this one. My FIL is the same and wants to but everything for the baby. Kind yes, but I really don't want him picking out my stroller or bedding! Hubby talked to him and invited him to come shopping with us and if there is anything he would like to buy then it's fine.

cutiepie0104 · February 2015

mrspark812 said:

Maybe suggest she use it all at her house?

This. My mother is buying clothes for a Girl and we plan on not knowing the sex until birth. I simply said fill your house up with what will be useful to baby as we travel to see our family. If its not a girl hopefully she knows someone who is having one.

gadawgmom · February 2015

This sounds pretty familiar. I don't know how to handle the situation. It is a tough one for sure. I am not too worried with hurting feelings, because we are all adults, however that side of the family takes it seriously so I am reined in. If only everyone else was as perfect as me. :-)

lcourter24 · February 2015

Oh this is my MIL. Everything is always from Goodwill or garage sales and usually something we don't need. We just take it and say thank you and then take it back to Goodwill or ask that she keeps it at her house since we don't have room for it. I did have to speak up one day when I came home and she was watching DS and while I was gone she brought stuff in from her car and it was teething toys!!!! And they were filthy!!!! I grabbed them and immediately threw them in the trash and said that we have teething toys that are new and disinfected already for him. That really bothered me.

pinktorridora · February 2015

This sounds like something your DH needs to handle.

jwickcowie · February 2015

Nip it in the bud now or else you will spend the rest if your life and your children's lives dealing with this and your annoyance will not decrease it will only increase and cause issues in your marriage, this comes from experience.

ashleytiff · February 2015

Mine hasn't bought anything yet, as we don't know the sex but I've given away all the Christmas gifts she's given me cause it's hot pink and zebra print this. Tacky. So I'm scared of what she'll get for the baby.

hendS731 · February 2015

Sounds like my grandma... She has been going to the thrift store to buy baby clothes, and a nursing pillow for a boy yet we don't even know what it is yet?! And a lot of baby boy clothes because she wants me to have a boy! It's not like she can't afford new items, I don't know why she'd get anything from the thrift store!! It grosses me out.. I'm super picky as well. Lol. She's even talking about going & getting a used crib & bassinet & furniture..... Uh no thank you!

Anneski87 · February 2015

I haven't had to deal with this yet but my MIL is the same way. She had two nieces that had babies last summer and bad mouthed the one that registered for new things and when the other one bought everything used. She said one one that wanted everything new was stuck up.

I'm sure she'll think I'm snob because we plan to just register for everything and buy the rest after our shower.

Mamamads · February 2015

That's a pretty shitty attitude to have considering I'm sure she is just excited and trying to help. I have endured many gifts from my in laws for our daughter that aren't my style or something I would pick out but I say thank you and donate or return if I can. How do you tell someone you hate their taste or second hand items without coming off as a bitch? You don't.

Mamamads · February 2015

jwickcowie said:
Nip it in the bud now or else you will spend the rest if your life and your children's lives dealing with this and your annoyance will not decrease it will only increase and cause issues in your marriage, this comes from experience.

This is terrible advice. So you think she should decline all the gifts from
Mil that don't suit her tatses to "save her marriage?" I'm sure mil will be so happy for her honesty (insert sarcasm font)

kladd7182 · February 2015

Mamamads said:
That's a pretty shitty attitude to have considering I'm sure she is just excited and trying to help. I have endured many gifts from my in laws for our daughter that aren't my style or something I would pick out but I say thank you and donate or return if I can. How do you tell someone you hate their taste or second hand items without coming off as a bitch? You don't.

@ mamamads nailed it. Even if she can afford top of the line items, she has had kids before obviously. She also knows babies do not use the items very long. That might be why she's buying second hand items. if you don't want the items donate them to a homeless shelter, they would be grateful for it I'm sure. Our local shelter is anyway. Instead of getting angry about it, find ways to help the less fortunate that can't afford brand new top of the line items like you. Also, you mentioned that she lives a nice lifestyle so she can afford brand new, she is being practical, and it is not her responsibility to buy things for your child anyway. When it comes down to it, it's your responsibility. At least she's thinking of you and baby.

shakirahb · February 2015

I agree with MrsPark812 and just suggest that she keep those things at her house. That way you're not completely shutting her out of the pregnancy. There is no polite way to tell her her things are not wanted.

farahmina · February 2015

Her intentions are good that's the main thing
Everyone has a different way of expressing love this is her way, go easy on her

werehavingababy2233 · February 2015

My mil has never gotten my babies a single thing. Her other dil got showers with tons and tons of cloths and things. Mils grandchildren are 6 months apart I have her first and her youngest and she doesn't give them the time of day! Be thankful you children has a grandmother that loves them already and don't feel like they are fighting with a cousin for grandparents love!

Chasity08 · February 2015

Oh thank god @Mamamads‌ and @kladd7182‌ had some actual good advice. I am actually appalled by some of the advice here. You do NOT tell your MIL that you don't want/like the second hand items. Its rude. I don't care if she is a millionaire, she is not obligated to buy you anything, let alone anything brand new. You do not get to pick what people are ALLOWED to gift you. My god. If your child received a second hand gift at their birthday party would you encourage them to go tell that person that what they really wanted was a brand new bicycle and that they'd appreciate if next time that person think more about their wants? I'd hope not. This is no different. And please don't pass this off on your poor husband because you're being petty. There is no reason to cause a riff between him and his mother for something so ridiculous and stupid. Good luck.

jessicayounghouse · February 2015

Smile and say thank you. If you don't want the items, donate them. I was pretty particular with my first and having only new things since I knew I'd be having more (pregnant with my third now). Mother in Laws only want to help... Anytime I got used things from her or anyone else, it usually got donated, and that's okay.

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