Husband Going Out

em4iowa · January 2015

My husband likes to go out for drinks with friends - like, close down the bar and then stay up until 3:00 - 4:00 a.m. drinking with friends - and since it's not often I don't have a problem with it. As I'm 36w + 5, I'm getting more anxious about it though. I have had a relatively easy pregnancy with no complications or anything and haven't had much for Braxton Hicks contractions, but I know the baby could come any time between now and the first week of March... He doesn't come to me for permission, but he does want to make sure that I'm comfortable with him going out. He has a few 'rules' now that I'm pregnant: always have your phone on you/be aware of it, let me know who you're with (so I can contact them if I can't reach him), and where you are (bar to bar, someone's house, etc.). I just don't know if I'm comfortable with him drinking now that we're getting down to go-time. He's the only one I want in the labor room and if anything happens and he misses it because he's drunk I think we're both going to be really upset about it.

In other words, would you feel comfortable with your spouse or significant other going out drinking? There is no middle ground - he can't go out and not drink, he just can't, he either stays in or goes out and drinks.

How many weeks along in your pregnancy would you stop feeling comfortable with the significant other going out drinking?

mands1125 · January 2015

Umm that would not fly with me at this point. DH went to a party a few weeks ago but he knew that was his last fun night out drinking for awhile. I'm almost 40 weeks now and he's pretty much attached to my hip until the baby is here.

rosieo52 · January 2015

I have told my hubby several times he needs to watch how much he drinks as I get close to due date! I know my BIL or other family/friends could us to hospital, but I'm not ok with my husband being drunk at the hospital! He also must have his phone with at all times! I do not think you're asking too much of him. Good luck from a fellow Iowa momma!!

mle106 · January 2015

How much is he drinking? DH will go out with friends and have a beer or two, but nothing excessive or beyond being able to get home on his own. And he's usually home by midnight or so. If there is no "middle ground" for your DH, I would worry about a potentially bigger problem going on...

poopylove · January 2015

Yeah, that would not fly with me, prego or not.

winterbabe2015 · January 2015

That wouldn't fly in my home. I would have a problem even if I wasn't pregnant with a husband that had to close down the bar and then continue to drink until 3 or 4 am.

DH will have a couple beers or one mixed drink during the evening occasionally but since I hit 38 weeks he even limits it to 1 beer. I consider it to be a sign of respect more than anything.

mommaa1615 · January 2015

I told my dh at 36 weeks that wasnt happening anymore, he was fine with it. One non pregnant time he was out when I was sick & I ended up having to go to the ER & call my dad..embarrassing. itd be terrible if he was drunk when its go time..def not worth it. Gl!

em4iowa · January 2015

We too are surrounded by friends and family so that's a non-issue. And he's 30 so it's not like he's doing anything wild, just staying up late drinking. It's not a drinking problem, just being surrounded by friends at a bar he just drinks or doesn't go. He's not a middle ground type of guy and there's no issue with his drinking and our lifestyle, I'm just trying to figure out when the cutoff for getting drunk and being comfortable with it. If he's in a different environment, like out for dinner or at a friend's house he can easily have one or two and come home. It's just the party atmosphere at the bar with a group of 5-7 guys that are all drinking heavily that he won't say no to. He's got no problem staying in if I'm not comfortable with him going out, I'm just trying to figure out when that time is (now, 37 wks, 38 wks, etc.).

HayleyBug55 · January 2015

He might as well get used to not staying out til 4 am drinking now. When baby is here he shouldn't be doing that anyways. You said he doesn't do it often so I don't see why he'd have a problem with it.

Mommalawyer · January 2015

Yeah no. My DH isn't allowed to drink, period. Im extremely smell sensitive and the last thing I want is booze breath breathing down on me in labor.

em4iowa · January 2015

KristinMTBell said:

em4iowa said:
We too are surrounded by friends and family so that's a non-issue. And he's 30 so it's not like he's doing anything wild, just staying up late drinking. It's not a drinking problem, just being surrounded by friends at a bar he just drinks or doesn't go. He's not a middle ground type of guy and there's no issue with his drinking and our lifestyle, I'm just trying to figure out when the cutoff for getting drunk and being comfortable with it. If he's in a different environment, like out for dinner or at a friend's house he can easily have one or two and come home. It's just the party atmosphere at the bar with a group of 5-7 guys that are all drinking heavily that he won't say no to. He's got no problem staying in if I'm not comfortable with him going out, I'm just trying to figure out when that time is (now, 37 wks, 38 wks, etc.).
To me, this is a personal question that you have to answer for yourself. Luckily, I think you already have. You are no longer comfortable with it. The time is now.

That's pretty much the conclusion I've come to. I just feel guilty for not being comfortable with it. Idk why. We have a really open, trusting, and mutually respectful relationship so I shouldn't feel guilty (I KNOW that), I just feel like I'm telling him he can't do something even though I'm telling him I'm not comfortable with it and he's respecting that. It's more on my side, I think.

Tabithalister · February 2015

I think that he though should understand that and should want to make sure he is sober til the time comes. Idk if roles were reversed I know I would skip going out with my girlfriends to make sure I was coherent when my SO would need me the most.

misshart00 · February 2015

I understand you're okay with it most of the time except when you're possibly in labor. But are you okay with it when you have a two week old? Or a four month old? This isn't just a "when I give birth" thing.

HayleyBug55 · February 2015

em4iowa said:

KristinMTBell said:

em4iowa said:
We too are surrounded by friends and family so that's a non-issue. And he's 30 so it's not like he's doing anything wild, just staying up late drinking. It's not a drinking problem, just being surrounded by friends at a bar he just drinks or doesn't go. He's not a middle ground type of guy and there's no issue with his drinking and our lifestyle, I'm just trying to figure out when the cutoff for getting drunk and being comfortable with it. If he's in a different environment, like out for dinner or at a friend's house he can easily have one or two and come home. It's just the party atmosphere at the bar with a group of 5-7 guys that are all drinking heavily that he won't say no to. He's got no problem staying in if I'm not comfortable with him going out, I'm just trying to figure out when that time is (now, 37 wks, 38 wks, etc.).
To me, this is a personal question that you have to answer for yourself. Luckily, I think you already have. You are no longer comfortable with it. The time is now.
That's pretty much the conclusion I've come to. I just feel guilty for not being comfortable with it. Idk why. We have a really open, trusting, and mutually respectful relationship so I shouldn't feel guilty (I KNOW that), I just feel like I'm telling him he can't do something even though I'm telling him I'm not comfortable with it and he's respecting that. It's more on my side, I think.

If he's respecting that you don't feel comfortable than that's great! Don't blow it up in your head bigger than it is. He's going to be a father any day now. The partying days are over. There will be times y'all get to escape and have some fun but,in my personal opinion, he shouldn't be out until 4 drinking with the guys.

StephanieLBerg · February 2015

I would be putting my foot down at this point. He needs to remain sober for the duration of your pregnancy, especially if he is the only one you want in the delivery room, PLUS I am assuming he is your only ride to the hospital. Honestly, a beer or two wouldn't hurt him if you went into labor all of the sudden, but being out all night and falling down drunk is just absolutely ridiculous. I would have a talk with him about his behavior; tell him your concerns and the consequences of his actions (I.e. he may miss the birth because he's too drunk to be there) and if he still refuses to change, then I would solidify a secondary delivery room choice and ride to the hospital. Then, I would seriously take some time to think about whether or not your husbands drinking behavior is in your childs, or yours, best interest. Honestly, if it were me and my husband went out all night every night to get falling down drunk and will not even consider the predicament and potential danger it could put me and our unborn child in; I'd be considering giving an ultimatum. But that's just me. Good luck!

ashford5 · February 2015

My fiancé works 2 jobs and late nights and most of the time a friend will come pick him up from work and they go out and hang out. It bothers me some because I am home alone and nervous at 39 weeks but I give him the same guidelines. Keep your phone on you, let me know who you are with, and where you will be. I keep my mom on speed dial just in case and she is always by the phone.

chicagojackie · February 2015

I think the real issue here is that your H "can't" be out socially without using alcohol. Pregnant or not that should concern you.

Wimcgrath · February 2015

chicagojackie said:
I think the real issue here is that your H "can't" be out socially without using alcohol. Pregnant or not that should concern you.

This. There seem to be other red flags. There's also a huge difference between going out with friends and having a couple of beers and being unable to stop or avoid drinking once out. I think you two need to have a serious talk- there are valid concerns, pregnant or not. Good luck to you!

Sahara6971 · February 2015

Wimcgrath said:

I think the real issue here is that your H "can't" be out socially without using alcohol. Pregnant or not that should concern you.
This. There seem to be other red flags. There's also a huge difference between going out with friends and having a couple of beers and being unable to stop or avoid drinking once out. I think you two need to have a serious talk- there are valid concerns, pregnant or not. Good luck to you!

I agree with this 100%. If he can't go out and stop after 1 or two whether you like it or not, that is a problem.

My husband does not drink at all (any more) but he does need medication to help him sleep at night. He stopped taking it (just in case) about a week ago and I am 36 weeks.

MrsTucker2011 · February 2015

Anyone that can't have a middle ground while drinking has a drinking problem. It's called self control. Alcohol isn't bad, misuse of alcohol is.

It frustrates me when people say that it's nonnegotiable - it can only be all or nothing. That isn't a personality trait, it's a lack of self control.

Even if you weren't pregnant, I would have a serious conversation about acceptable boundaries. (As far as no middle ground) He's going to be a dad, and with that comes huge responsibility.

lynnz52 · February 2015

This is a really tough subject for my Husband and I. We were both big drinkers before pregnancy. He said he would quit for my third trimester. This was something he decided on his own, I did not ask for him to do that. However, I didn't know that meant he would get fall down drunk weekly for the first 6 months to make up for it. Unfortunately there was little I could do. I expressed my feelings, but the more upset I got, the more he would do it.

Thankfully, for the 3rd trimester he did quit and I'm so grateful. He has remodeled the entire nursery, and it looks beautiful. I'm very proud of him. I am still a little nervous about what might happend once the baby is born and he starts to drink again, but creating boundaries and enforcing restrictions just doesn't work for him. It only makes it worse. The best I can do is truly appreciate the effort and good behavior and hope that he remembers how great our relationship is without the alcohol.

Maybe rather than telling him what he can't do, let him know what you need him to do. You need him to be there for you to support you through your contractions, hixton and the real deal. That being without him makes you feel anxious and alone, especially during this stressful time. My DH does appreciate feeling needed. I don't know if that will work for you.

Good Luck! Hang in there, and try to stay positive.

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