Moms of 2 or more, what is the age gap between kids?

Icarriedawatermelon · January 2015

So I know no one can make this decision for me and I have to do what is best for my family, but I'm really torn on when we should try for LO #2. If we want our kids to be 2 years apart, we'd have to start trying in the spring/summer of this year. To be honest, I'm not sure if I am ready for that. If we didn't plan on that, we'd probably wait until LO #1 is like 3 or 3and a half, which wouldn't be until spring/summer of 2017. That seems like such a long time away, so both my husband and I are completely torn about timing. Plus, you never know how long it will take to conceive. I'm just wondering if any moms who have more than one LO can weigh in on the age gap between your kids and what you like/dislike about it.

Thanks in advance ladies!

PixiesDust · January 2015

Well, if you want your kids to be two years apart you need to start trying now (you know, 9 months and all)

Icarriedawatermelon · January 2015

PixiesDust said:
Well, if you want your kids to be two years apart you need to start trying now (you know, 9 months and all)

Oops, we were actually thinking 2 1/2 years apart not 2, trying not to have birthdays at the same time of year.

sooner1981 · January 2015

Mine are 19 months apart. Love how close they are getting now--and my older daughter is very nurturing to her little brother. But I remember when she turned about 2.5, I realized that life would have been MUCH easier if we had had a baby when our older was at least 2.5! She became so much more self-sufficient around that age. Followed directions, listened, ate her food without help and put her dishes in the sink, dressed herself (mostly), etc. before then, it was much more like having two babies at the same time--which was tough.

But, anecdotally, I have heard people say that they felt not very connected to siblings who were more than 3.5 years older or younger--just never really shared the same interests until they were adults.

Icarriedawatermelon · January 2015

sooner1981 said:
Mine are 19 months apart. Love how close they are getting now--and my older daughter is very nurturing to her little brother. But I remember when she turned about 2.5, I realized that life would have been MUCH easier if we had had a baby when our older was at least 2.5! She became so much more self-sufficient around that age. Followed directions, listened, ate her food without help and put her dishes in the sink, dressed herself (mostly), etc. before then, it was much more like having two babies at the same time--which was tough.

But, anecdotally, I have heard people say that they felt not very connected to siblings who were more than 3.5 years older or younger--just never really shared the same interests until they were adults.

Thanks for your perspective @sooner1981‌. I give so much credit to parents who have 2 under 2. You guys are rock stars!

I am concerned about the disconnect that can happen as the age gap widens. It's one of the reasons why I'm thinking 3 and a half might be too much of an age gap for us. Thanks again for your input.

shelley1002 · January 2015

Mine are 25 months apart. We planned it that way. We decided when DS1 turned 1 we would TTC for 1 year. If I was not pregnant when DS1 turned 2 we were one and done.

Love the age difference. Neither will remember a time without the other and they get along great.

adcc43 · January 2015

sooner1981 said:
Mine are 19 months apart. Love how close they are getting now--and my older daughter is very nurturing to her little brother. But I remember when she turned about 2.5, I realized that life would have been MUCH easier if we had had a baby when our older was at least 2.5! She became so much more self-sufficient around that age. Followed directions, listened, ate her food without help and put her dishes in the sink, dressed herself (mostly), etc. before then, it was much more like having two babies at the same time--which was tough.

But, anecdotally, I have heard people say that they felt not very connected to siblings who were more than 3.5 years older or younger--just never really shared the same interests until they were adults.

Mine are also 19 months apart. I had a very similar experience as @sooner1981‌. They are becoming great friends now!

Emilyraymond · January 2015

Mine are 3 1/2 years apart exactly. I personally wish we would have had the second a little earlier maybe 6 mos to a year. It's hard to tell now if the age gap will affect them later on. I hope it does not. Right now she adores her big brother and he adores her but he's a little too rough with her still. He wants to tackle her and wrestle with her like he does us. We have to constantly remind him to be easy with her.
My main reason I wish we would have done it earlier was the jealousy. My son was very jealous when she was born. It was wierd because he acted like he loved her and I believe he did/does but when she was a newborn, he would act up all the time. Way more than he did before she came. He was used to getting all the attention and when she came, his world turned upside down. It broke my heart when I had to get on to him because I knew he was acting up just because he wanted my attention. It got better once I started just setting aside time for him and is even better since she is older and they can play together.

TLDR; don't wait 3 1/2 years.

BMnatz11 · January 2015

Mine are 22 months apart. It was rough at first, but I love the small age gap. They play together so well now, and DS loves to help. I feel as though there was and has been very little jealousy. I assume had he been older, jealousy may have been a larger issue.

Icarriedawatermelon · January 2015

Emilyraymond said:
Mine are 3 1/2 years apart exactly. I personally wish we would have had the second a little earlier maybe 6 mos to a year. It's hard to tell now if the age gap will affect them later on. I hope it does not. Right now she adores her big brother and he adores her but he's a little too rough with her still. He wants to tackle her and wrestle with her like he does us. We have to constantly remind him to be easy with her.
My main reason I wish we would have done it earlier was the jealousy. My son was very jealous when she was born. It was wierd because he acted like he loved her and I believe he did/does but when she was a newborn, he would act up all the time. Way more than he did before she came. He was used to getting all the attention and when she came, his world turned upside down. It broke my heart when I had to get on to him because I knew he was acting up just because he wanted my attention. It got better once I started just setting aside time for him and is even better since she is older and they can play together.

TLDR; don't wait 3 1/2 years.

Jealousy - haven't even thought about that. That's definitely something to think about. Thanks for sharing your experience!

Lee81 · January 2015

sooner1981 said:

But, anecdotally, I have heard people say that they felt not very connected to siblings who were more than 3.5 years older or younger--just never really shared the same interests until they were adults.

I remember hearing about a study that said an age difference of two years or less is best for sibling bond. I have no idea where I think I heard that anymore. I couldn't find anything about it with a quick Google search, but I did find this which was interesting:
https://www.thealphaparent.com/2012/07/what-no-one-tells-you-about-child.html?m=1

countingthestars · January 2015

Mine are 3 years and 2 months apart. Wr had started trying for #2 when DD was 15months old and didn't get preganant until a 14 months later. I originally would have loved to have them closer in age. They are great with each other now. They play well together and are the best of friends. Not sure what the future will hold. We do want another one not sure when we will start trying. DH's schedule with the military is ever changing.

deedee1017 · January 2015

This thread is stressing me out.

Lesley0228 · January 2015

Mine are almost 4 1/2 years apart which we didn't plan on. We were hoping for 3 1/2, but I got laid off when DD was 2 1/2, so I had to find a new job and get stable there then it was 7 mo of active trying (our 1st was an opps). The age gap works for us though. My older DD has adhd and had always been high needs. I think we would have really struggled adding a baby when she was still a toddler. She is a little more independent now and loves to help. They adore each other, but we'll see how it goes as they get older. I hope they stay close.

ksimo6 · January 2015

adcc43 said:

sooner1981 said:
Mine are 19 months apart. Love how close they are getting now--and my older daughter is very nurturing to her little brother. But I remember when she turned about 2.5, I realized that life would have been MUCH easier if we had had a baby when our older was at least 2.5! She became so much more self-sufficient around that age. Followed directions, listened, ate her food without help and put her dishes in the sink, dressed herself (mostly), etc. before then, it was much more like having two babies at the same time--which was tough.

But, anecdotally, I have heard people say that they felt not very connected to siblings who were more than 3.5 years older or younger--just never really shared the same interests until they were adults.
Mine are also 19 months apart. I had a very similar experience as @sooner1981‌. They are becoming great friends now!

Well shit you guys... Mine will be 19 months apart when DS is born!!

tashad18 · January 2015

DS1 turned 11 4 days before C was born. C still be a bit over a year and a half when baby is born.

bkeane619 · January 2015

Mine are 2 years and 4 months apart. I wish we waited longer. We have major jealousy issues and DS being rough with DD. My brother and I are super close and 3 1/2 years apart.

becca2082 · January 2015

Mine are each 3 years apart & we found this to be a great age gap! The older 2 are good friends & love playing together, and they both loooooove the baby.

CateOfChicago · January 2015

ksimo6 said:

Mine are 19 months apart. Love how close they are getting now--and my older daughter is very nurturing to her little brother. But I remember when she turned about 2.5, I realized that life would have been MUCH easier if we had had a baby when our older was at least 2.5! She became so much more self-sufficient around that age. Followed directions, listened, ate her food without help and put her dishes in the sink, dressed herself (mostly), etc. before then, it was much more like having two babies at the same time--which was tough. But, anecdotally, I have heard people say that they felt not very connected to siblings who were more than 3.5 years older or younger--just never really shared the same interests until they were adults.
Mine are also 19 months apart. I had a very similar experience as @sooner1981‌. They are becoming great friends now!
Well shit you guys... Mine will be 19 months apart when DS is born!!

Me too. Now I'm scared, but not surprised. I'll be looking forward to that 2.5 mark. From my personal experience, I am 3 years and 5 years younger than my sisters. I was a bit of a late bloomer. I always felt much younger than them. They always thought of me as much younger as well. It wasn't until our 20s where the age gap disappeared. Hope that helps.

sooner1981 · January 2015

@ksimo6‌ and @CateOfChicago‌ -- congrats!! There is a LOT that is awesome about the 19 month spacing as well. I didn't really notice any jealousy issues at first--or really even now. My daughter just learned she had a brother and just continued to rock along, and now she doesn't remember life without her little brother. And they are SO sweet to each other. I love all the random hugs and kisses that she shares every day with him--and how he now returns the affection!

Two under two is hard, but totally doable. I always looked forward to having another pair of hands around when my husband wasn't working--but you just get into the groove and time really does fly.

jennlin · January 2015

mine are 20 mos apart and TBH it was too soon for us. while my daughter has loved her baby brother every moment of the way, and has been as helpful as she could, just physically getting two into the car by yourself can be exhausting. my now almost 3 year old is just barely getting enough patience to wait while i first grab her brother out of the carseat...but it is so much easier now, when i can just unhook her seat and tell her to hop out herself..whereas just a few months ago, i would need to have one in each arm to get them out of the car.

the stress of having 2 so little has put a serious wrench in the relationship of my h and i, and we are scraping to get by. we both know that this will pass, and look forward to brighter days, with easier teeth brushings, dinner cleanup, smaller diaper bag, fewer late night bed wettings....one day.

jessicat2inWA · January 2015

DS was 6.5 when DD was born. He will soon turn 8 and she will be 15 months old. Not planned that way, DS is from my first marriage and I was a single mom for a LONG time but I love the age difference.

He has been nothing but wonderful with DD since day 1. Almost too helpful LOL. He adores her and is old enough that I trust him to watch her while I run to the mailbox or take out the garbage - something that takes a bit longer than just a quick pee with the door open. He is in 2nd grade and that has given me time to be with DD and relish in her babyness.

The original "plan" in my head was to TTC when DS was 4, so that he would be in Kindergarten when the next baby was born.

TL;DR - I planned for DS to be in school before another baby was born. Shit happened and they are 7 years apart which is 3 years too many if you ask me.

PharmDMom · January 2015

Mine are about 32 months apart. I was actually aiming for a 3 year difference but got pregnant right away (surprise since we had IF issues with our first).

Pros: DD was potty trained, could feed herself, and was used to independent playing. Going out isn't/wasn't too hard bc she can get in and out of the car herself and she stays with me well when we go places (doesn't try to run off).

Cons: As @Emilyraymond‌ said, we have also had major jealousy issues. She has grown to love him but can be super rough with him and acts out when DS needs extra attention (when he had his feeding tube, when he is sick, etc). If she was younger maybe she wouldn't have noticed as much that he was stealing her show.

If I had a redo, I wouldn't change it. I had a traumatic labor and recovery with DD so I was not ready to have a baby sooner. Plus I tend to be on the anxious side so the stress of having two close together may have put me over the edge.

Icarriedawatermelon · January 2015

Thanks for the honest responses ladies!

MySunshine213 · January 2015

My kids are just over 4 years apart. I love it. My DD is such a "Mommy" to DS, and since she is in school, I have more time to devote to DS one on one. Really my only gripe is that I have had to hold onto the baby crap longer than I would have liked, lol but that's really NBD. We are done though - if we wanted more than 2 we probably wouldn't have waited that long.. I love the age gap but certainly can't see myself doing it again when DD is 8 and DS is 4. I will be way over the baby stage by then!

finnybooboo · January 2015

deedee1017 said:

This thread is stressing me out.

Ditto.

Next time we'd like to shoot for a spring/early summer baby, so we've been considering TTC this summer/fall which would make them a little under 3 yrs apart. I know DD will grow and learn a lot in that time, but just imagining life with another child right now is frightening. For several reasons I have a feeling we're going to wait another year, which will likely make them a little under 4 years apart. I think I'm ok with that.

For what it's worth, I'm sure the age difference matters (my sister is 10 yrs older and we have never been close), but at the same time my DH and his little brother are a little under 2 years apart and they aren't close at all and never have been.

deedee1017 · January 2015

finnybooboo said:

deedee1017 said:

This thread is stressing me out.

Ditto.

Next time we'd like to shoot for a spring/early summer baby, so we've been considering TTC this summer/fall which would make them a little under 3 yrs apart. I know DD will grow and learn a lot in that time, but just imagining life with another child right now is frightening. For several reasons I have a feeling we're going to wait another year, which will likely make them a little under 4 years apart. I think I'm ok with that.

For what it's worth, I'm sure the age difference matters (my sister is 10 yrs older and we have never been close), but at the same time my DH and his little brother are a little under 2 years apart and they aren't close at all and never have been.

@finnybooboo It seems very frightening to me too. I keep telling myself it's a normal ftm fear, but idk. I just cant imagine loving another child or our family expanding, although I know I want that for dd at some point.

Ycu2013 · January 2015

4 years 9 months and they adore each other. It works for us and our 2 kiddos!

mrsblueeyes · January 2015

Not on purpose, but the spacing is about 2 3/4 years apart both times. It's worked out really well. It was so nice having a potty trained kid who was able to do a few things on there own, getting dressed, eating, walking

It was also nice that they could communicate a little more and express their love, excitement, jealousy over the new baby each time. They get along very well, so it's worked out. 2U2 seems super stressful to me, but I guess that's because I've never done it

Abreezyy · January 2015

My brother and I are 2 yrs apart and we aren't as close.... My husbands best friend and his brother are 10 yrs apart and are very close!
My kid is 15 months and we will wait til he is prob 3/4 for our next baby.... Meanwhile our entire family will spoil him!

~Flossie~ · January 2015

One month shy of 3 years between my kids.

*blue*flower* · January 2015

More than 7 years. Unexpected secondary infertility is a bitch! Goes to show you can try to plan your ideal spacing,but sometimes life throws a curve ball.

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Moms of 2 or more, what is the age gap between kids?

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