Beating myself up over failing to breastfeed

jpagano113 · January 2015

LO is 9 weeks and I breastfed her for 6 of those 9 weeks. To make a long story short I had a very difficult
time with bleeding cracked nipples, low supply (not too bad though). Once my nipples healed I then tried to tackle a sleepy baby who wouldn't feed more than 3 minutes even after stripping her naked and applying a cold cloth to get body. She wasn't getting adequate milk each feeding. I decided to
pump and bottle feed her the pumped milk like that she would get a good amount in one feeding and I knew how much she was getting, but I was awake at all hours bottle feeding her & then pumping and someone who suffers from insomnia, I wouldn't be able to
fall asleep once I was awake. It would take me a good hour after each pumping session to fall asleep leaving me sleep deprived. When I was pregnant I bought nursing tops, nursing Pads, everything I needed in order to breastfeed. I wasn't going to fail. But I did. I gave it up slowly since my mental health and physical health were suffering. I was so tired I wasn't eating properly. I do feel my state of mind is a more positive one now, however, I still feel so much guilt I can't seem to brush it off even after weeks of giving it up. Anyone going thru the same experience?

JCM285 · January 2015

First of all I am sorry you are feeling so defeated. Try not to be so hard on yourself. The main thing is that your baby gets fed and you have gone out of your way to ensure that. Take a deep breath. You are doing fine. That being said, have you seen a lactation consultant? If not, I would try that before giving up BFing for good. I had a tough time at it too, but the LC was a great resource for me. Good luck! ::big hugs::

xc1148 · January 2015

Don't feel bad, at least you tried! Yes it's better for baby, but a healthy mom is good for baby too. And it 6 weeks is lots of time to get antibodies and nutrients.

jpagano113 · January 2015

I had seen a lactation consultant the first week and she gave me tips which did help but when I saw the pediatrician when LO was 2 weeks she told me LO needed to gain more weight and to supplement with formula. That's when it went downhill. I felt I was starving her and wasn't sure how much she was really getting. I give it to those who exclusively pump for atleast 6 months because it isn't easy!

path75 · January 2015

jpagano113 said:

I had seen a lactation consultant the first week and she gave me tips which did help but when I saw the pediatrician when LO was 2 weeks she told me LO needed to gain more weight and to supplement with formula. That's when it went downhill. I felt I was starving her and wasn't sure how much she was really getting. I give it to those who exclusively pump for atleast 6 months because it isn't easy!

This happened as well with the slow weight gain, did not gain birth weight back at 2 weeks and was jaundice. I cried a lot. Thankfully my pediatrician did not have me supplement. Now exclusively breast feeding three weeks since my 2 week appt, he has gained 1lb 12oz. This is by no means telling you what to do but just to let you know there is hope.

Mrw218 · January 2015

Listen....breastfeeding is all great and everything but formula is too! I am breastfeeding but that's bc comparatively I'm having a walk in the park. I also questioned my decision to breastfeed and almost stopped at 4 weeks. I didn't bc I told myself that I was going to do my best but you know what I was not going to affect my well being/sanity/mental health and that of my husband/family ( babies can feed off of your stress) when there are other options available. So I do what I do and if I dry up early or he needs to supplant or whatever then fine bc I am doing as much as I can. You go into this decision all thinking oh breastfeeding is natural you pop a kid on and voila. Then you find out the hard way nope not that easy it's hard. Not sure what I will do with subsequent children but I'm much better prepared. Even now I don't particularly like breastfeeding, I'm just doing it bc I have all the stuff and the supposed health benefits and I emphasize supposed.

jjaxbie · January 2015

Here's a little bit different way to think about it. A generation or two ago formula was the thing to do. It was newish, scientifically and medically supported and I'm sure there were plenty of moms that either couldn't afford it or just chose to bf and took all sorts of guilt and advice from others and felt bad about it. Some probably still do. But those babies grew up and thrived just as well as their counterparts.

My point is that there are so many factors in doing what's "best" for baby and with the exception of safety related things like car seats no one decision is going to make the difference between a baby growing up to be a happy and healthy adult or not. Its going to be the millions of micro decisions along the way that influence the genes your kiddo has already got.

So...don't feel bad about it. You're feeding your baby and she is going to be just fine. Formula is not poison, breast milk is obviously good too. Make the decision that fits with all the other factors in your life and try not to look back.

It's so easy to feel regret about everything when it comes to babies but there is no need to when we have so many options.

SoxFan777 · January 2015

A few things:
1. At least you tried. With my first, I was only able to breastfeed for 4 or 5 months and I felt guilty, too. I regret switching to pumping too soon and not calling in a lactation consultant.
2. Did you try a nipple shield? It saved me with DS 2. I love it and plan on using it until it becomes a problem, which it hasn't.
3. My pedi was pushing weight gain, too. I think that 2 weeks is really early to start supplementing unless he is dehydrated, not producing diapers, etc. So I waited, took fenugreek and reglan, and my supply went up.

good luck! I hope things work out for you.

aleys628 · January 2015

I know this is easier said than done, but try not to beat yourself up about it. You were able to do it for 6 weeks! I too had a very difficult time with breastfeeding and switched to formula after only 1 week. There were a lot of factors that went into my decision and I saw 3 lactation consultants. Every night I still broke down in tears because it just wasn't working. For my own mental and physical health, and therefore for a healthier and happier baby, formula ended up being the right decision for me and my LO. And we just had our 2 month appointment and he has gained 5 pounds since coming home and is perfectly healthy and developing at the exact rate he should be.
So that being said, make the choice that is right for you and your family and be proud knowing that whatever it is, it's what is best for you.

Lauriecore · January 2015

Yes I have a similar situation. Ask your pediatrician it the baby is tongue-tied. Mine was, and they clipped under his tongue and it made a world of a difference for the pain. I'm still supplementing formula most of the time because I don't make much milk but thats another story haha but it is the most stresful thing ever and I know how you feel

Jenn49085 · January 2015

I totally felt the same way. Baby didn't latch until 2 weeks, then absolutely hated those first three weeks breastfeeding. They had me pumping too and I was about to give up until I saw a lactation consultant and got him to latch. Pumping every three hours and feeding and not sleeping is extremely hard on your mental and physical health, it's understandable. I rented the Medela Symphony breast pump (hospital grade and SOOOO much nicer than the pump in style) and used a nipple shield to get him to latch. You still might be able to do it if you want too!!

Mrw218 · January 2015

I'm sorta confused why ppl don't consider pumping to be breastfeeding. I mean baby is still getting the same nutrients regardless of boob or bottle and lots of burping and cuddles after either.....whatever I can't be chained to my baby for a year or whatever the recommendation is.

danab1210 · January 2015

I'm going through the same feeling of disappointment in myself. My baby couldn't latch on since birth due to my having flat nipples, feeling defeated I pumped and substituted with formula. A week after I gave birth I came down with preeclampsia and pneumonia and was hospitalized for a week. While in the hospital I had to pump and dump due to all the medication, by the time I returned home my milk has lessened and now I'm barely producing. Currently trying to do some research on how to re lactate.

jpagano113 · January 2015

Thanks ladies I appreciate it. @Mrw218 unfortunately it's too late for me to breastfeed or pump because I am no longer producing milk. I slowly stopped pumping a few weeks ago because of lack of sleep/mental health/physical health. Sorry I failed to mention that in my original post.

Beating myself up over failing to breastfeed

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