What should I do...

hendS731 · January 2015

my boyfriend wants me to move into his apartment with him, but my grandma & all of my friends think I should stay home. I'm enrolled in college, I don't have a job but I get SS from my dad dying & have money saved up from past jobs, I plan on breastfeeding. My bf said if I move in i have to pay half of the bills & rent, on top of my insurance for my car which is over 200 and my phone bill, and groceries which would end up being like 1000 a month. Then I'd have to worry about the baby & myself. I don't think that that's fair to ask a new mother to do that when he has plenty of money & I feel like I need to be focusing on school & my baby, but I wouldn't mind helping out I just think that he's asking too much. If I stay home I won't have to worry about paying bills or rent or anything just focus on school & my baby. But he says if I stay home that he's not helping pay for any of the baby stuff & that he's gonna take me to court for custody (even though he'd only get supervised visitation considering his record). I need more opinions from grown women who would know more about this. I only plan on staying home until I can get on my feet & be able to do everything on my own, especially considering I'm only 17 right now & will have just turned 18 by the time the baby comes. I just feel like he's asking a lot for a young new mother. So what do you guys think?

rainbowBOOM · January 2015

If he's giving you an ultimatum regarding moving into his home, then he's asking for the wrong reasons. Your relationship and the custody of your child should not be dependent on the choice you make on living with him. Can he take you to court for custody? Yes, he can. You need to cover all bases now. Stay put, keep journals of conversations and threats about your relationship and future status of his involvement of this child. It seems harmless and innocent now, but I've seen this a million times. From my 17 year old sister having a child to my bff having an ultimatum giving child's father in her life.

Staying put and making sure you finish school should be a priority. He has a right to ask for half the bills (is it realistic? Probably not). And it's not a stress you need to take on if it isn't necessary. There are going to be so many changes within your life in the next 6 months, you have plenty of time to live on your own later.

Lastly. You may (or may not have, not my place to judge) rushed into having a child. It's ok to put the brakes on, you do not have to continue to pile on.

audi681 · January 2015

I think you already know what to do. I think that if he really loved you, he wouldn't be giving you this ultimatum. The best thing you can do for your baby is be emotionally and financially secure. Babies are exhausting and expensive and you need to be in a situation where you can financially support your baby. The whole court thing is an empty threat... if he needs you to move in to help with his rent, then he sure doesn't have the money for a lawyer.

najestic · January 2015

Trust your judgement and I think you already know what to do.

Best of luck.

zmombie · January 2015

Okay I'm going to come off as heartless.. So forgive me in advance. But he sounds like a real douche! Stay at home! Focus on the baby and school. Take it from a 27 yr old single mom of 2 (and a half) without so much as a GED. You can't get anywhere in life without an education.. And don't waste your time on scum bags such as him. He's asking you to move in.. And then demanding you pay your part. Find your own way and support the baby on your own.. Yet your family is telling you that they will help and support you.. I think you know what's best. You sound very wise and mature. And you said he's got a past? If he even bothers to go out of his way to get a lawyer, then take that step at that time. But favors always on the mother so long as she's not living on the streets or doing drugs. Ect. Chin up. Guys suck!

hendS731 · January 2015

He sells drugs & has for a long time. He has had multiple drug charges & he goes to court next month for his second conspiracy to distribute & 4th possession charge. He has money but it's not legal. And I did not plan on getting pregnant, I was told by a doctor I had endometriosis & couldn't get pregnant, I should have taken precautions anyway. But I highly doubt he will be getting any custody with his past.

MCH77 · January 2015

Stay home. Get your college degree. Save up money. Trust me, I've worked with a lot of teen moms in shaky relationships.

Ckorines · January 2015

Stay home!

o_so_in_love · January 2015

You do not want to move in with anyone, regardless of your relationship, that sells or uses drugs. Especially when you are pregnant or after you have a baby. I would distance myself from this relationship if I were you. Years ago I was 16 and in a similar boat. I speak from experience. Don't let the legal threat from him scare you.

werehavingababy2233 · January 2015

Stay home! Being a grown up stinks! Living with someone is hard enough but then add the stress of a new born baby and then money stresses that makes it a whole lot harder!

I'm not a single mother but I also don't have a GED and it makes getting jobs that pay well really hard! Keep your focus on school and your sweet baby!

Also being with someone who could be in jail is very very hard. And stressful if you move in with him and he gets sent to jail then you are supporting yourself and him while he's in there. I was with someone who was in jail and he was untrustworthy he said he needed my whole paycheck for comisrey(?) come to find out from talking to other women and the officers they hardly need anything!

I know you know what's right. Also looking back on my life I wish I would have listen to my family and friends. They see what we don't, love is blind!

inLOVEalready715 · January 2015

If your family is ok with you staying home, then stay home! I don't even know where to start but do not bring your baby into the home of a drug dealer...your baby deserves better. If your bf already has the apartment then he is already affording it on his own, so he shouldn't be asking you to give him money to live there while your in school and raising a baby. If your home is safe for the baby and you're not on drugs then I don't think you have to worry about custody. If his money isn't on the books you might not be able to get child support but sounds like you're better off without this guy. Finish school and raise your baby. Good luck, but don't let this guy threaten you.

hendS731 · January 2015

He says he's stopped but we live in a small town, & I know of people he's sold to. I use to smoke weed until I found out but I stopped right then & haven't even thought of that. I have a completely clean record.. No felonies no charges for anything, lol all I have is a warning for being out past curfew & an improper lane change. I just thought it was funny he threatened me with court & had his family threaten me with court..

thequiet2 · January 2015

I had my son when I was 17 and I can tell you, you are so so lucky to have family to rely on and that you are in a position to go to school and be able to care for your baby.

I had no family around and was trying live on my own and support a new baby. I had to rush back to work after having him and by the time he was a few mths old I had to get 2 jobs. It's not fun and it's taken years for me to finally be at a place that I'm stable.

Don't throw away what you have for a guy who's not worth it. With that kind of record he'd be lucky to even get visitation. Just don't let him sighn a paternity paper at the hospital and then if he wants to even go to court over it he has to go the extra step to get a DNA test

fuss444 · January 2015

Girl stay with your family and leave that jerk! Can't believe he would ask that of you...you and your child are priority. And like pp said keep a record of everything he says and does..you'll win any court case. Maybe it will be what he needs to clean up his act and not sell dope. I lost my boyfriend to a heroine overdose 2 years ago I know what it's like..don't go there with this boy.

geezemommy · January 2015

He is asking a lot of you at such a young age. Let your family help you so you can help yourself. I can tell you that if my husband and I ever split up, NEITHER one of us would threaten to take custody because we have a mutual respect for each other and we share the same love for our child... We would never use custody or our children as "leverage" to get what we want. You're a smart girl, take care of your baby and take care of yourself. The best example you can be for your child is a happy, healthy, successful mommy! Also, don't let him manipulate you into thinking you will lose that baby, if you are doing right by your child and he has a criminal record I'm sure the court will do right by you!
Good luck!

manda82585 · January 2015

Stay at home. I'm not a lawyer or anything, but if he gets caught down the road selling drugs, my thoughts would be that you living with him while he is doing such things could land you in legal trouble as an accessory and cause custody issues for you. I think it speaks volumes of his character that he has given you this ultimatum and is threatening a lawyer and custody battle already. He sounds very controlling and manipulative, which are neither things you need in your life ever, especially not with a Child in the picture as well (i can speak to that with the voice of experience, and trust me, it isnt where you want to go :-/) Focus on school and your baby and hopefully he will step up somewhere along the way and decide to be a better influence for your child, but your baby has to be the number 1 priority. Save up your money and live at home while you can and finish school. Those are choices you will never regret making later on in life. I feel like I could write an entire novel about all of the questionable and bad decisions I made between the ages of 17-29 and what i would have done differently if i could go back. The amount you change and grow as a person in your late teens and 20s is insane. Give yourself time to figure out exactly who you are and what you want in life for you and baby. You have plenty of time to figure those things out. Once baby is here, that in itself will change you forever. "Love" and relationships can make you truly blind sometimes. Try not to get caught up and lost in the emotions or you can lose sight of what things are actually important. With a baby in the picture, rationality and practicality become of the utmost importance and your feelings pretty much take a backseat for awhile. Good luck with everything! You seem like you are intelligent and mature and know what decision is best for you and baby. Hope everyone here helped build up your confidence to follow that gut instinct.

cuebaby15 · January 2015

Yall sound young... Stay home. He's the father he should be providing either way.

cls2015 · January 2015

Definitely stay home. You sound like you have your priorities straight and he does not. He shouldn't be pressuring you to move at this point. You should only move if it is something you want and you believe is best for you and the baby.

Let him take you to court for custody - he'll only lose and will be ordered to pay you child support. (You should get a child support order from him in any event.)

rock2blu · January 2015

You sound smart and in a really good place to be having a baby, stay where you are. Do not let him bully you. Get rid of that looser pants

gadawgmom · January 2015

If you move in with him you are flushing your life down the drain. This guy sounds like a loser. You need to stay in school and get an education, you can't get anywhere in life that is worth going to without an education. If you move in with him you are guaranteeing a life of living pay check to pay check with no goals or hopes beyond maybe a fancy dinner out once in a while. If you stay home and get the support from your family, you will be educated, have a little more money and have a solid foundation. Your life starts now, make sure that you are starting off as strong as possible. So he doesn't want to help support the baby unless you move in with him? Take his sorry ass to court, many states don't play with that type of situation. And if he is a known druggie, no court in their right mind will give him custody. I know it seems complicated and scary right now, but it is because you are 17- everything seems scary at that time. Being pregnant can't be helping the situation. But take a few moment and look down the road to your future. If you move in with this scum bag, where do you see yourself in 10, 15, 20 years? If you stay home and get and education and then a job, where do you see yourself in 10, 15, 20 years?

Please stay home! Stay away from that loser.

gadawgmom · January 2015

hendS731 said:

He says he's stopped but we live in a small town, & I know of people he's sold to. I use to smoke weed until I found out but I stopped right then & haven't even thought of that. I have a completely clean record.. No felonies no charges for anything, lol all I have is a warning for being out past curfew & an improper lane change. I just thought it was funny he threatened me with court & had his family threaten me with court..

Let them threaten you until they are blue in the face. Do not engage them in any arguments, they are messing with you just to be mean at this point. They have no case. Start your new life off on the right foot. Keep your head held high and stay classy. You need to do what is best for you and your baby with out some druggie and his trash family bothering you.

taboullio84 · January 2015

hendS731 said:
He sells drugs & has for a long time. He has had multiple drug charges & he goes to court next month for his second conspiracy to distribute & 4th possession charge. He has money but it's not legal. And I did not plan on getting pregnant, I was told by a doctor I had endometriosis & couldn't get pregnant, I should have taken precautions anyway. But I highly doubt he will be getting any custody with his past.

Why the hell would you even think about moving a child into that mess??? You do realize if / when he gets caught up you can lose your child. Go to school. Stay home. Take care of your child. That has trouble stinking all over it.

Edit** words are hard today.

zmombie · January 2015

Hunny... My first daughters father was doing the same. In and out of jail. Selling multiple drugs. Drug deals in the house.. Driving with them on him.. There is no question. If you value your child. You will get away from him! He gets busted. You lose your baby.. God forbid he gets doped up and crashes the car and kills your child. Leave him. If you can't lose him, then expect to lose your child. The choice is literally down to that. Who do you love more?

camilleashleyyy · January 2015

Please for the same of your child and you stay home. He is not going to get custody I can assure you of that, keep all text messages from him that you can use in court. He is manipulating you. I am 21 and I am in a similar situation although not as bad it's still extremely similar. You can do this and your family is going to support you. All my love goes to you sweetie!

KKMichie · January 2015

hendS731 said:
He sells drugs & has for a long time. He has had multiple drug charges & he goes to court next month for his second conspiracy to distribute & 4th possession charge. He has money but it's not legal. And I did not plan on getting pregnant, I was told by a doctor I had endometriosis & couldn't get pregnant, I should have taken precautions anyway. But I highly doubt he will be getting any custody with his past.

Do you want your baby around the environment that comes with selling drugs?
Stay home. Focus on bettering yourself for you and your baby.

JenniferH1311 · January 2015

I would stay put. You will need to focus on your school your baby and getting on your feet. If he would only get supervised visits and you know that don't worry about him taking you to courr. My guess is he won't. He just wants to scare you to move in with him which isn't right. This is all my opinion so do what you feel is best for you AND your baby!

BabySweetz89 · January 2015

If he does take you to court, you staying in school and showing you are trying to make sure you and your baby are finacially stable, also showing you can and want to make sure you and your baby have a future and that you can be the mother you need to be for your child is mainly what the courts need to see. No matter if he tries to make you look bad because you are living at home.

shenry43 · January 2015

He is an asshole. No reason for an ultimatum. He should let you stay with him no strings attached. Obviously you would help out with bills, food, cooking. cleaning... I'm sorry you are going through this with an unsupportive man. I hope he changes. He won't get custody unless you are a legitimate dead beat.

kristyn831 · February 2015

Stay away! Even if he let you live there for free, stay away. Your priority is your child and making a life for him or her. Finish school, save money, live in a safe place. Never mind the fact that being in a dwelling of known drug activity is a crime - you could get in trouble and lose your baby. Places like that are not safe. He could get robbed, he has shady people in and out. You don't need that and your innocent child never asked for that kind of life.

mrsg27 · February 2015

Don't move in with him. Just being around that environment can get you in trouble as well (I didn't know about the drugs doesn't work in the eyes of the law) and like other people have posted, you will lose your baby to social services if you put yourself in that situation. Even if he changed his mind about the rent, groceries, etc., this is not the right person to have in your child's life. You are doing the right thing by going to school and to stay home with supportive family. You owe it to your child to do the right and safe things for him/her. Your age has NOTHING to do with this situation. It's pure and simple, he isn't safe for either of you. As far as custody goes, let him make those threats. Custody battles are ruthless, long, and expensive. I doubt he has the time, money or interest to stick around for all that and even then, he doesn't have much of a leg to stand on. Like PP, keep a log of his messages, threats, family's threats etc. Youll need it if he actually does take you to court. Just distance yourself from him at all costs.

mrspark812 · February 2015

I think a lot of people have already expressed this but stay the F%!# away from him. He doesnt sound worth your time or energy. As for suing for custody, document everything, the good and the bad!!!! I have had to deal with lawsuits through work and while it's different from a custody hearing, essentially it's the same idea. You will need evidence of why he is an unfit father and why he shouldn't have custody. Keep track of who told you he sold them drugs or times he's been arrested and gone to court. But also the times he's done something good, that way you can't be accused of being vindictive and only focusing on the negatives. If you record it now you won't have to worry about recalling every little detail later on. I would also suggest speaking to a lawyer now about your options. You are in for one hell of a tough ride and the sooner you start preparing the easy for you it will be.

But in my very honest opinion he sounds like a major POS who doesn't deserve to be in his child's life. He needs to figure his shit out. To me drugs are a deal breaker. They f%#! with your own life but also everyone around you. It sets a horrible example for your child and puts him/her in danger. I've told DH multiple times I'd be gone in a heart beat if he brought that shit around our house. (He never would but I made sure he knew where I stood)

I pray that you find peace and that everything works our for the best for you and your baby. Hell who knows he could get struck by lighting and become the perfect man. One can hope.

kinnieloo · February 2015

hendS731 said:
He says he's stopped but we live in a small town, & I know of people he's sold to. I use to smoke weed until I found out but I stopped right then & haven't even thought of that. I have a completely clean record.. No felonies no charges for anything, lol all I have is a warning for being out past curfew & an improper lane change. I just thought it was funny he threatened me with court & had his family threaten me with court..

For the love of God please do not move in with him!! If he is selling, you never know what kind of crazy person could come into that home looking for drugs! You would be putting your own life at risk as well as the baby's! I know it's tough but please stay home

hopefullilly · February 2015

Don't move in.

1 - He is pressuring you into moving in by threatening to sue for custody.
2 - He is asking you to split all the bills.
3 - He is saying that if you don't move in he won't pay for anything related to the baby.

Based on what he is asking it feels like he wants your money. He wants you to pay rent, etc but he is already threatening to flake out on alimony. I believe that in the beginning you will have a lot less expenses with the baby than if you are with him.

And as everyone pointed out: if he is a drug dealer, rum the other direction. You don't want to be mixed up in that. You don't want your kid to be mixed up in that. As it was said, you can lose your baby if something happens.

It sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive family. Stay with them, finish your study and focus on making life better for you and for your baby.

kelckings · February 2015

I would stay home. Your family sounds amazing and school is much more important for your babies future than anything else. Also, if you have somewhere free and stress free to live I wouldn't for anything move somewhere where there is going to be tons of stress. Your baby needs an educated and stress free mommy.

mers90 · February 2015

Stay home. I think he's being an ass. I got pregnant at 18 and lived the opposite situation. My now husband already had a job and was going to college but he got a second job and changed to night school so I could finish high-school (online) and stay with the baby. He never asked me to pay for anything, even when I was getting money from my family's business (not much). He immediately found a nice apartment and bought some furniture and we decided to get married. I think that's how a gentleman does it! If you can help with some bills then that's ok (every now and then I would pay for groceries or something because I wanted to, not because he asked) but your priority needs to be finishing school so you can get a better job later.

Chellz0684 · February 2015

If you move in with him because lets face it alot of girls do stupid things for the guys we love especially at such a young age. Believe me you will look back on it and wished you didn't !! You will have many regrets !!

Take it from a 30yr old who was in the same situation when i was 18. Except my grandmother passed away during my pregnancy. And i had no choice to live with bby daddy. I would have left him a thousand times if she were alive. I would have saved myself so much life and heartache.

Dpatto93 · February 2015

I won't even go into the relationship. I am in a happy relationship, we have our own place and expecting baby no 2. My partner works to support me BUT I have no education of my own. If I could I wouldn't have moved out of my parents house so soon and continued to study. Since you have that option you will be able to study and I'm sure your mam would love to have the baby for a hour so you can do work or snooze. I'm only 21 myself and if I had that option I would of took it with both hands, I do love my partner but I wish I had qualifications behind me and not the stress of missing a rent payment or topping gas and electric up haha.

Kmommy5 · February 2015

I'm so sorry honey that you are facing such stress in what should be a wonderful time in your life. My advice to you is, if he's not loving and caring and supportive now, he won't be while you're living with him either. He obviously is putting himself above you and the baby. He wants his way or no way, and selfish demands gets more selfish each time you give in. Either he loves you or he don't. I would think long and hard before living with him or choosing to spend my life with him. Stay with family that best supports you and encourages you to be a better you. That is true love. I hope in time your problem is fixed and you can focus your time and energy on motherhood,and not foolish drama. It takes 100% of your best. My prayers and best wishes to you!

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