Refusing to go to school

PhillyGal34 · January 2015

I haven't spent a lot of time on the bump in the past years but I'm desperate for some suggestions.

Ds1 is 2.5 years old. We never had a problem taking him to daycare. We switched daycares on 1/2 because ds2 is due in March and his old dc no longer does infant care. Once he is there he loves it and comes out smiling and telling us he can't wait to go back tomorrow.

Mornings are a nightmare. Once he realizes it is a school day he starts crying and saying he doesn't want to go to school. Then trying to get him into the car seat is a two person 15 minute battle with him crying and screaming and turning and pulling out of the seat. He's never done this before and never does it otherwise.

His dc is great and again he says he loves it. I just don't know what to do. I'm getting very pregnant and high risk and dh does everything he can but there are usually two mornings he cannot be here to help each week. Do you have any suggestions?

MommyAtty · January 2015

Wow. Your little man has a lot going on. New school. New sibling on the way. Mom and Dad are probably pretty stressed. He's at a prime age for separation anxiety/stranger danger/ general anxiety. Have you tried reframing it? With DD, every morning, before she's out of her crib, we tell her what kind of day it will be and get really excited about it. "Yea! It's a school day! You get to play with your friends and see your teachers! Do you think you guys will get to maybe paint or glue today?" That seems to work for us.

Iblamethebeer · January 2015

Have you tried not mentioning it's a school day and just wisking (whisking?) him into the car -- maybe even in his jammies -- and getting him to school before he has a chance to get worked up about it?

Mustardseed2007 · January 2015

^ I like the suggestion about whisking him in - we never tried that but it sounds like it would work. We also used distractions to get DS into the car - allowing him to bring a "car toy". He isn't allowed to bring a toy into DC but we do allow him to bring a toy in the car if it will get him to go happily. Also asking him if he wants a cereal bag - just putting some cereal in a bag seems to work really well.

On that front I would not ever offer him something that you wouldn't mind him doing every day forever. Not that you'll have to do it when he's in HS, but I made the mistake of giving him a chocolate chip cookie one day and thereafter he wanted it every day. I didn't really want him to have that, though, and DC didn't too much like it either - they said he was too hyper. We eventually got him back down to just cereal but it took several days.

But I think finding that sweet spot of offering him just enough to make him cool with getting in the car but no more than that can work well.

Also when DS is in the middle of a fit and he will say no to basically anything no matter what it is. So offering him one thing and giving him a chance to calm down and consider if the bribe (yeah I said it!) is worth taking has kept me from going back to the chocolate chip cookie world again.

2chatter · January 2015

Is it a control thing? With all the change....

Can you work with him on climbing into the seat and doing the top buckle on his own? Don't make it about school - make it about every time you get to the car that's his responsibility. Maybe make it into a race - who can get to the car first...time it on your iPhone....even at that age my kids were obsessed with races/timing (despite not getting what the stopwatch was really recording). Good luck, sounds like a battle.

PhillyGal34 · January 2015

Thanks guys. right now I think I'm going to try a bribe with food. I feel so desperate but being this pregnant and high risk I also don't want to risk myself or the baby's health by fighting (physically) him into the seat if something dumb can avoid that. I know I'll probably regret it down the road but that's for future me to deal with and at the moment I just need to get through every day.

I certainly think it is a control thing. he gets in the car and doesn't fight it any other time. I don't think whisking him away will work but that is certainly another option to try. The problem is that generally he is up before we are able to get to his school so I am not sure what I would do for a half hour with him in the car and unable to get into the school. but if he sleeps in maybe that is a good plan.

honestly I appreciate all of your suggestions and you taking the time out to help a non-regular. Thank you!

shannm · January 2015

I would create a distraction or "bribe" that he only gets if he sits in his car seat. For my daughter, she often brings a stuffed animal or toy or rock (lol) that she is into at the moment as our "deal."

rubber_chicken · January 2015

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to sympathize because we're going through the same thing. DD cries in the car and at dropoff every morning; she's 2.5 and has been in the same daycare since 12 weeks. She's fine once I leave, but it breaks my heart every day cuz she begs to stay with me

shakinros · January 2015

Hey mama! Long time, no see. Congrats on #2.

I have no additional advice, but I think short-term bribery is the way to go. Car toys, breakfast treat, whatever it takes. My kid can often be lured into the car with the promise of a snack. Said snack is often raspberries or cut up strawberries, but in desperate times, it's a nutrigrain bar.

And it has only been two weeks at the new place. I know that's scant comfort when high risk is high risk all the time, but he's still adjusting.

PhillyGal34 · January 2015

Hey there!!

So dh picked him up and he was so excited and saying how fun school is and all that. Tonight he did some painting in his big boy room and said he is going to tell his teacher tomorrow. He was excited. I am not holding out hope but I will let you know!

PhillyGal34 · January 2015

Update

He refused to sleep last night. It was pretty miserable but I'm hoping that's just a one night regression from being away from us for the long weekend.

This morning the m&ms got him into the car without tears or fighting. It was great. Once we got to school though he started to cry and tell me he didn't want me to go fo work. He seems very upset that we go to work. (Come on kid.... I would rather stay home most days too) so I have to figure out how to get him to realize work isn't horrible. I told dh we need to talk about work like a good thing. I told ds that mommys friends are there and that she likes work. But I think it's going to take some reprogramming.

shakinros · January 2015

Well glad the m&m's worked for the car! I hope the teachers were able to help when he started crying at daycare.

PhillyGal34 · January 2015

M&ms didn't woek today. It was a nightmare again. :-(

MommyAtty · January 2015

Oh man! I'm sorry. We have to really prep DD for stuff, and we have found that if we start giving her an idea of what comes next, it's helpful for preventing fits. Like we say, "5 more minutes before we leave. Can you start putting away your toys?" And giving her choices that have nothing to do with what we want her to do. Like "Do you want Cheerios for the car or a banana? We can't get your snack until you get your coat on, so let's hurry." I guess that's a form of redirection.

litzo27 · January 2015

Tell him you get M&Ms too when you get to work.

I'm sorry it's not working. I know people always say "don't linger, just leave" but for both of my sons, and especially DS1 at that age, what worked much better is that I stayed long enough in the classroom to read one book. So on the way to daycare we would be excited discussing which book he would pick and then we would sit on the floor and read one book. And by the end he was ready to go off and play with his friends (who often joined us for reading and then went off to do other stuff). Maybe worth trying this approach?

PhillyGal34 · January 2015

I read some stuff last night on separation anxiety (which is what I am sure this is) and one thing was to simply distract them while getting them in the car (duh) we talked about how Elsa froze mommy's car as a joke and how silly that was. Before he realized it he was in. No real tears until the teacher took him back (they meet you at the front and walk them back. We've tried walking him back and it is worse) but then he lost it.

Moty here thought oh well. I survived.

I know he will stop crying in a minute and because he wasn't super worked up I would guess it will be quicker than usual. That's what I'm telling myself at least.

This roller coaster is rough! I have all your suggestions written down though. I'm working through them all as needed. :-)

MommyAtty · January 2015

You are right that they calm down quickly. I worked in 2 diff daycares while in college and law school. Even the most dramatic screamers, the ones where you honestly believed they might pass out or pop a blood vessel, calmed down quickly. Seriously, I never saw a child get to the 5 minute mark once mom and dad were gone. Not once. Really, to a great extent, it's an act. Your kiddo is saying he loves and will miss you in the only way he can. But really, REALLY, he's fine. I promise. Hugs. I know this sucks. It sucks even more when you're in your third tri.

SunAndRain · January 2015

I don't know if this will work with your donut our daughter is the same age. I try to give her choices and responsibilities to keep her feeling indepentant and be focused. She chooses between two shirts. She get to pick one stuffed animal to take to the car. Funny because she now knows that she gets to cho se only one so it is an important decision for her! She chooses which cost she wants to wear. Also dad takes her to school which is the biggest saving grace of all. If I had to do drop off everyday is be crying on YOUR shoulder! I'd be fine giving her a healthy snack but chocolate every morning? Hmm, I'd have to be incredibly desperate. Which, hey, if you are there, no judgment from me! I also give dd advance warning and talk up school to avoid meltdowns that stem from surprises. Good luck! We have our rough days too!

PhillyGal34 · January 2015

We only gave the m&ms once and then he wanted his cereal instead but desperate I was. I don't think I would've felt so desperate if I wasnt 8 months pregnant but I physicalkt cannot wrestle him at this point. He already gets those choices though :-(

We've started reading books with him and going through the "plan" I've also started to distract him as we get him to the car. He is strapped in before he realizes it. Today is a snow day so no school. But hopefully tomorrow goes smoothly!

erikaph · January 2015

I like the idea of incorporating him into the day. The anxiety may be rooted in a very basic feeling of loss of control. what if you printed out a little picture diagram of all the things he can do in the mornings to get ready. Like - pick out the shirt (and keep the list simple, like 3-5 things). Maybe let him pick one snack food to pack in the bag. Maybe letting him pick one stuffed animal or something that reminds him of home, to take to school. And take your time going through the routine every morning so that he knows what's coming next?

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