Gender Disappointment- Husband feels like i've ruined his experience

DeniseM83 · January 2015

I am also experiencing gender disappointment big time. For me this is my 2nd child and I was really hoping for a girl but the ultrasound revealed a boy. This is my husband's first born. granted he has been dad to my son since he was 5 years old, still this is new for him. So of course he was excited to find out baby is a boy even though he'd be happy with either but I am completely heartbroken. I've dreamed of hair bows and tutu's, pink everywhere and glitter on everything. I know that's a little stereotyping on my part but that's what i wanted. Finding out that this child that i pretty much demanded my husband give me i can't stop crying about this baby not being the gender i had dreamt for. I told my husband my feelings will pass and i know that i will love this child unconditionally regardless but he has since shared with me that because of my disappointment he feels like he is missing out on all the great things that being a first time dad gets to experience during pregnancy. i"m struggling with even looking at my husband right now and I am lost in what I can do to help me grieve and cope with all of this. I understand this might be selfish on my part but i can't help the way i feel. I would really appreciate some useful advice. I understand that i should be happy this baby is healthy especially because i know so many women who are having trouble conceiving but i'd hope that people can understand that everyone is entitled to their own feelings.

diz1313 · January 2015

I'd talk it over with a therapist, doctor, or a councilor. You ARE entitled to your feelings but a lot of people aren't going to understand or agree with them so you should talk with someone who isn't emotionally invested in the child you are growing. You should probably refrain from discussing it with your husband. It is understandable that he doesn't want to hear about how you don't like his child just because it isn't a girl.

Also, you may want to post on your own birth month board. The ladies here on the December 2014 board have ended their pregnancy journeys at this point and have moved on to dealing with their babies.

mrsshour · January 2015

Talk to a doctor. Feeling as bad as you do about something as simple as gender (that you can't control) means something is wrong. No one here can fix that.
Also, post on your own BMB. or the second tri board. Everyone here is long past that

Mrw218 · January 2015

Wtf???? I can see a slight aw man and then move along but seriously???? You are going to affect your relationship with ur husband over something this minor? Yes agree w others. Get help from a therapist or psychiatrist. There are deeper issues at play here that you may not even be aware of.

CandEChicago · January 2015

DeniseM83 said:
I am also experiencing gender disappointment big time. For me this is my 2nd child and I was really hoping for a girl but the ultrasound revealed a boy. This is my husband's first born. granted he has been dad to my son since he was 5 years old, still this is new for him. So of course he was excited to find out baby is a boy even though he'd be happy with either but I am completely heartbroken. I've dreamed of hair bows and tutu's, pink everywhere and glitter on everything. I know that's a little stereotyping on my part but that's what i wanted. Finding out that this child that i pretty much demanded my husband give me i can't stop crying about this baby not being the gender i had dreamt for. I told my husband my feelings will pass and i know that i will love this child unconditionally regardless but he has since shared with me that because of my disappointment he feels like he is missing out on all the great things that being a first time dad gets to experience during pregnancy. i"m struggling with even looking at my husband right now and I am lost in what I can do to help me grieve and cope with all of this. I understand this might be selfish on my part but i can't help the way i feel. I would really appreciate some useful advice. I understand that i should be happy this baby is healthy especially because i know so many women who are having trouble conceiving but i'd hope that people can understand that everyone is entitled to their own feelings.

QFP

designchica · January 2015

I think you do need to seek help from a therapist ASAP so that you can put a voice these feelings of disappointment so that they are not projected unto your son and husband.

hellopartyof5 · January 2015

Stop being a baby and grow up. So you wanted a girl... Ok I get it. Now it's time to get excited about your new baby. If you aren't feeling that way fake it so your husband can be excited. You're ruining this for him and it's really not about you. It IS about the new baby. Like I said, grow up.

DeniseM83 · January 2015

WOW- thanks ladies. I am new to posting like this online and I just wanted an outlet where someone going through this might be able to help me adapt an overcome. I didn't realize I was posting in the December or whatever... again i'm new to this online message board stuff.

I know/knew I would move past the baby not being a girl sooner or later but in that moment of my writing and venting that's how I felt and I thought I could do that on this website without so much judgement. BUT WHATEVER... I've already got plans to discuss with my therapist (because I do have one i see monthly) and I've already discussed with my husband that this is temporary I just needed to essentially get it off my chest... but THANKS SO MUCH for the not very helpful words of wisdom. It's much appreciated

Cadg0986 · January 2015

DeniseM83 said:
WOW- thanks ladies. I am new to posting like this online and I just wanted an outlet where someone going through this might be able to help me adapt an overcome. I didn't realize I was posting in the December or whatever... again i'm new to this online message board stuff.

I know/knew I would move past the baby not being a girl sooner or later but in that moment of my writing and venting that's how I felt and I thought I could do that on this website without so much judgement. BUT WHATEVER... I've already got plans to discuss with my therapist (because I do have one i see monthly) and I've already discussed with my husband that this is temporary I just needed to essentially get it off my chest... but THANKS SO MUCH for the not very helpful words of wisdom. It's much appreciated

Chill out on the butt hurt whining. You can't look at your husband because he found out your baby is a boy? Ummmm. I am pretty sure you're not gonna find anybody on any board that's in the same position as you, some disappointment is normal if you were looking forward to having a the opposite sex, but to not be able to celebrate a HEALTHY BABY thus far or look at your husband that's pretty over the top. I hope your child never finds out how disappointed you were that they were a boy.

ashleyv1988 · January 2015

I can understand being a little disappointed, this is my last child and I was secretly hoping for a girl but when we saw it was a boy on our ultrasound I couldn't help but fall in love. Remember everything happens for a reason! Also this probably would be the worst board to post this too, we have all had our babies and are completely smitten! And I'm sure all of these moms can agree that a little thing like gender could change that! Give it time!

DeniseM83 · January 2015

I posted this yesterday while I was trying to figure out someone to talk to at that moment. In my overwhelming state of mind i wrote what I was feeling and I apparently wrote in the December 2014 group not the month that I needed. So my apologies (i'm sorry) to you mothers out there reading my post. I had intended to find someone who was stricken with an overwhelming amount of sadness to find out the child they were carrying was not the gender/sex they had dreamt for. Not about not being able to talk to or look at my husband. At the moment of my venting of my feelings that is how i felt and I thought being honest in a message board of some sort would help me figure out a way to talk to him... and before reading all of the nasty comments I had spoken to him about my feelings, the ugly ones and reassured him that I do love this baby and will love this baby unconditionally when he arrives. I didn't realize people could be so mean when all anyone was trying to do was find an outlet to get help on a weekend... I'm done posting here I will be posting (maybe) in my month from now. Again, Thanks for all the "encouraging words" and I am genuinely sorry you all had to(chose to) read this.

feeshah · January 2015

Last time I checked there is 50-50 chance of having either sex. You flipped the coin and got what you got. I would be thankful because there are plenty of people who wish they could have a child.

path75 · January 2015

DeniseM83 said:

I posted this yesterday while I was trying to figure out someone to talk to at that moment. In my overwhelming state of mind i wrote what I was feeling and I apparently wrote in the December 2014 group not the month that I needed. So my apologies (i'm sorry) to you mothers out there reading my post. I had intended to find someone who was stricken with an overwhelming amount of sadness to find out the child they were carrying was not the gender/sex they had dreamt for. Not about not being able to talk to or look at my husband. At the moment of my venting of my feelings that is how i felt and I thought being honest in a message board of some sort would help me figure out a way to talk to him... and before reading all of the nasty comments I had spoken to him about my feelings, the ugly ones and reassured him that I do love this baby and will love this baby unconditionally when he arrives. I didn't realize people could be so mean when all anyone was trying to do was find an outlet to get help on a weekend... I'm done posting here I will be posting (maybe) in my month from now. Again, Thanks for all the "encouraging words" and I am genuinely sorry you all had to (chose to) read this.

Just to add we have had quite a few losses. One of those losses after giving birth. If you would read the guidelines it states to lurk before posting. I think you are being unfair to many women here who would love to have their lo in their arms.

SoxFan777 · January 2015

Check my siggy. Be happy with a hopefully healthy baby! And trust me... You will fall in love when you meet him.

ssebens · January 2015

I vaguely remember hoping my names less faceless baby was a girl and then finding out it was a boy. I also vaguely remember having about a thirty second adjustment period. Now, with my little boy in my arms that all seems silly. He's beautiful, he's healthy and he's delightfully squishy. Sometimes the reality isn't what we imagined but I'd much much much rather have my real son than an imaginary little girl.

justifyyourlove · January 2015

Lurker...Hi there. I know it's hard but try not to worry about it too much. It's not uncommon for some moms to want girls and dream of everything pink. Don't worry, I get it.

We "preferred" a girl but was just happy either way. In fact, we even assumed it would just be a boy. It may take some time but you will love your little one no matter what. Just focus on staying healthy and your little baby boy will be your precious gift of life like your other one. I think being pregnant and all that comes with it doesn't make it easier either, you know with hormones and all. Try to get some rest and you'll be fine.

Mrw218 · January 2015

Oh shut up seriously about you mean ppl. Re read your freaking post. It is infuriating that an adult can't sort out how ridiculous those feelings are and that you need a therapist NOT ppl to justify those feelings. That is the LAST thing you need. That would be like me saying I have ppd and want to harm myself please internet strangers justify that's ok. No it's not okay. Also when we did have this convo at our 20 week marks anything other than aw man was not received well. Btw we are internet strangers!!! Not your friend. We don't know you or how good or mature or normal of a person you are. You should consult actual friends with this crap bc they actually have a point of reference to you.

Mrw218 · January 2015

But MAIN point....what you are feeling is NOT okay. You need to get it figured out asap.

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