Divorce during pregnancy

jessicastnbrgr · January 2015

I left my husband and thinking about getting a divorce. He didn't want this baby and forced me to get abortion even tho he told everyone else how bad he wanted my babies. Strange situation with that guy but it was a good decision for me and the baby to leave him.

Now I'm wondering if getting a divorce during pregnancy might be too stressful. Does any of you have experience with divorce and can someone tell me how long it usually takes or can take before its done? I'm 24 and none of my friends are married so I can only ask advice to those who have been there. Also I can maybe get an annulment, but I don't know how that works either way.

Thanks for response mama's!!

girlymama79 · January 2015

I'm confused. He forced you to get an abortion but your pregnant or is this another pregnancy?

Either way I'm sorry you are going through this.

delujm0 · January 2015

Stress will not affect your pregnancy. Personally I'd be more stressed staying married to a guy like than than I would be divorcing him.

I had a friend that found out her husband was cheating on her when she was 6 months pregnant and she left him. It was very stressful but she and her daughter are doing well now.

My advice is to get a lawyer. Every state is different...where I live you have to be legally separated for a year in order to finalize a divorce. You'll also want a lawyer to work out child support for you since your husband doesn't sound like he will pay it willingly.

Move out now if you haven't already.

Stormy61 · January 2015

Yes it depends on what state you are in. In texas, I believe it's 60 days from the day you file.

Sorry you are going through this.

sharice111 · January 2015

What country were you married in might be more appropriate??? It will all depend on where you were married. So sorry you are going through this.

amooraxo · January 2015

Annulment depends on how long you've been married, but in some states an annulment is more difficult than a divorce. I agree with PP, check with the local laws and it may definitely help to get a family law attorney that can help you. There may be different laws since you are pregnant or if you have any other children from him.

Jessica16393 · January 2015

My DDs bio father told me to get an abortion and I left him. We weren't married but now she is five and I can't even imagine life without her or with him. He has never even met her and I plan to keep it that way. Stress..yes. but worth it like none other.

WifeDeAngel · January 2015

OP has posted before. Her H has made her get abortions previously. He's in HI and she went back to her European country (I think?) (going back under my creepy rock now)

Katerina&Baby · January 2015

It's a pretty involved process so there is no reason to delay it - your attorney will be doing most of the work anyway. Divorces and annulments are state specific so you should get in touch with a divorce lawyer to discuss the facts and your options (there may be benefits to having the process be under way prior to birth). Generally when it comes to legal matters, "sooner is better". I'm very sorry you're going through this!

thelittlestbee · January 2015

My understanding was that the DH wanted her to abort THIS baby...

Anyways OP, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I can't imagine being in your shoes. Are you still in Belgium? I'm not sure how it would work if he's in the US and you are in Europe. But definitely consult with a lawyer to explore all of your options. I would be more worried about the stress of staying married to this guy than anything else. You and your baby deserve to be happy. Stay strong and do what you need to do!

preggopooters · January 2015

I believe that if you were married in the U.S and hes still in the U.S it would go by the laws of the state he currently lives in. Where I am from if it is uncontested (both sides want a divorce) it can be finalized within around 30 days of filing. My BIL just got divorced from his wife for her cheating and it was very fast. (We live in OK) Definately get a lawyer though.
P.S. I'm very sorry you're going throgh this right now. Keep your chin up it'll get better.

gingerbabe · January 2015

I am so sorry you are going through all this.

I know nothing about divorce, but what I do know is that life gets more busy and possibly stressful with a baby, so if I were in your shoes I'd start the leg work now so that you aren't trying to figure out a divorce with a newborn to take care of.

Best of luck. This is a terrible situation but I hope the divorce process can go smoothly so you and baby can move on with your lives together.

Also, since he doesn't want baby make sure to have him sign something that says he gives up all parental rights. That way you don't have to deal with this scumbag in the future.

lilitaliangirl · January 2015

delujm0 said:

Stress will not affect your pregnancy. Personally I'd be more stressed staying married to a guy like than than I would be divorcing him. I had a friend that found out her husband was cheating on her when she was 6 months pregnant and she left him. It was very stressful but she and her daughter are doing well now. My advice is to get a lawyer. Every state is different...where I live you have to be legally separated for a year in order to finalize a divorce. You'll also want a lawyer to work out child support for you since your husband doesn't sound like he will pay it willingly. Move out now if you haven't already.

Just an FYI, stress can most definitely cause problems with pregnancy. High levels of stress can cause your BP to go up. Stress, like depression can cause you to not take care of yourself and your unborn baby. This can result in pre-term labor and other problems that go with that.

I can't advise much on the divorce issue, but maybe going to therapy right now will help you. You already know he doesn't want the baby and you don't want him. So, IMO, you need to find out how to deal with the situation emotionally. Just my thought. I would deal with divorcing after baby is here.

ahershe · January 2015

No advice but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. Prayers for you and your family.

girlymama79 · January 2015

tashany99 said:

girlymama79 said:

I'm confused. He forced you to get an abortion but your pregnant or is this another pregnancy?

Either way I'm sorry you are going through this.

girlymama79 I think she meant that he was forcing her to have the abortion, but she didn't and left him instead.

jessicastnbrgr I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I'm sure its tough to make a decision like that. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.

Edit quote fail

That would make good sense.

taisree · January 2015

delujm0 said:
Stress will not affect your pregnancy. Personally I'd be more stressed staying married to a guy like than than I would be divorcing him.

Wrong. Stress strongly factors into your health. Considering how stressful a divorce would be right now is very important IMO.

@jessicastnbrgr‌ I remember you posting about your situation before. While I am sorry you have to go through this situation I think you are doing the right thing, he sounds like s horrible husband.

Is he agreeable to divorce? If so proceeding sounds like a good idea. I would look into a lawyer, make an appointment and find out all you can. From my experience the lawyer will usually explain the process in detail and advise cost. Not sure how this will work as you are out of the country now, but that's where you need to start.

Good luck, FX your husband is agreeable.

khaze · January 2015

Just a thought, but your relationship isn't going to get better after the baby gets here. In fact, it is very common for couples to hate each others guts for the first year. If you're seriously considering it now, I would do it now rather than go through more stress after the baby gets here. Sorry you are going through this and good luck!

amooraxo · January 2015

Update us... how are you doing OP?

jessicastnbrgr · January 2015

Yah he was forcing me to get an abortion which I didn't want at all. But I had no right of speaking, he said keeping the baby would be a stupid idea. I am in Belgium now ( my home country) and he keeps on texting me every day. One day he'll tell me how stupid I am and that he hopes I'll give the baby up for adoption, the next day he's crying and being sad and tells me how he missed everything about me. It's really stressful. And I do have a high risk pregnancy already because I'm having problems with my heart, I'm taking really really good care of myself but dealing with this divorce which isn't easy in the first place because we got married in HI and I am in Europe now is maybe too stressful.. I just want this baby to be ok!

amooraxo · January 2015

Please take care of yourself and your baby-- that should be your number one priority. What state were you living in in the US? My advise is to find an attorney in that state that can help you with all the legal stuff so you can stay in Belgium. It is not cheap for an attorney, especially if they are doing all of the work for you, but it definitely sounds like the best thing for you and the baby.

katier29 · January 2015

Just to echo what some people said it really depends on where you live, I know my friend was able to be granted a divorce while pregnant but they had to both appear 1 month after the baby was born to agree on arrangements for care, support and where the child will be living. I honestly would start talking to a lawyer now and get things started before he does. Hope things work out for the best! Hopefully you'll consider moving to the other board and we can give more support there!

taisree · January 2015

@jessicastnbrgr‌ he sounds insane sending you those up and down texts.

Talk to a lawyer! I was going to say change your number, but you may want to keep it so you can save his texts as evidence (if needed).

Are you considering counseling? Having your husband support abortion and giving up your baby is a lot, and I imagine what you're telling us about the texts is a small part of it. Please consider counseling.

jilly159 · January 2015

PP's have given great advice already.. I'm not very patient with dealing with asshole men so this may or may not help, but you're doing the right thing. If he's going to be this big of a jerk now, he's just going to be an even bigger jerk down the road. Sounds like he gets a rise out of stressing you out... Not. Good. Stay strong and surround yourself with people who love and care about you.

jessicastnbrgr · January 2015

@taisree‌ me and my husband saw a relationship therapist to talk about this subject. Too bad he made himself look like a perfect husband every time we walked into the lady's office. So it only made me more sad and angry. He knew how to act when others where around so nobody would believe me. That sucks, I don't have to prove what he said or did but he doesn't have to act surprised now that I want a divorce. I'm seeing a counselor here in Belgium now and it helps.
Today I got a message from him out of the blue telling me : if we would be or happy family you would love to live on Maui.
So now he's trying to make me feel bad that I left. Because if I do not respond to it he will blame me for not making any effort, if I would reply he would switch and say the meanest things.
So it's very very stressful. He's been doing this for a couple months now and I'm so tired. I know that nobody can tell me what to do, I just wish somebody could tell me husband to stfu and leave me alone or man up. I'm not sure if ignoring is an option because I'm afraid he's gonna use it against me. I'm really sorry I can't post something fun on here, but you guys are the support I need and it helps me to keep my head up!

jessicastnbrgr · January 2015

@katier29‌ what other board do you mean?

taisree · January 2015

jessicastnbrgr said:
@taisree‌ me and my husband saw a relationship therapist to talk about this subject. Too bad he made himself look like a perfect husband every time we walked into the lady's office. So it only made me more sad and angry. He knew how to act when others where around so nobody would believe me. That sucks, I don't have to prove what he said or did but he doesn't have to act surprised now that I want a divorce. I'm seeing a counselor here in Belgium now and it helps.
Today I got a message from him out of the blue telling me : if we would be or happy family you would love to live on Maui.
So now he's trying to make me feel bad that I left. Because if I do not respond to it he will blame me for not making any effort, if I would reply he would switch and say the meanest things.
So it's very very stressful. He's been doing this for a couple months now and I'm so tired. I know that nobody can tell me what to do, I just wish somebody could tell me husband to stfu and leave me alone or man up. I'm not sure if ignoring is an option because I'm afraid he's gonna use it against me. I'm really sorry I can't post something fun on here, but you guys are the support I need and it helps me to keep my head up!

Okay. Well I meant you should seek counseling on your own (not with your husband), so I'm glad to hear you have already done that and that it's helpful.

Lawyer up! And keep us updated!

Katerina&Baby · January 2015

If I were you, I would make sure that ALL correspondence with your husband is written. You never know what could be useful later on and it sounds like he's really good at looking like a reasonable, normal person in front of other people when it counts so you don't want to find yourself in a "he said/she said" situation. Also, look for a divorce lawyer who has handled international divorces/custody battles before (I'd anticipate some tricky custody issues).

dkleid · January 2015

I know you have the text messages, but try and make all of the correspondence from here on out through email. it is a lot easier to save and retrieve emails if they are accidentially deleted then text messages ago. Wish you the best of luck!

laurendutch · January 2015

I'm sorry you are going through this. A good friend of mine went through a separation while pregnant. He was a complete jerk and when she asked him to give up one night with his band to spend with her and their twins, he said "why would I give up something I love for something I hate". She is so happy she finally divorced him! You can just tell that she is a happier person. She has said that he is not close to the baby...doesn't really want anything to do with him. But he was like this with their twins (he never changed a single diaper)

jessicastnbrgr · January 2015

@laurendutch‌ how terrible for your friend he said something that rude! It's amazing she got through this without him. It's very important to not let your actions depend on your emotions, it's something that has always been my life quote but for the first time I realize how true this is. He's always playing with my feeling and because of that I always go back to him, because he's the dad and I hate to have to separate. But I've written down a lot of stuff he said and things he did that I thought was very disrespectful to me and everytime I want to text him sweet things back I read it and think by myself.. NOPE I'm totally fine by myself. It's hard but in the end I'll be the badass mom that did it all by herself.

megron · January 2015

Darling, I'm European and if He is in the US and you are in Europe and you aren't asking for a lot in the divorce it can be as easy as filing, getting a date, him not coming back and you getting your divorce. Either way even if it is stressful get started soon! It can take a while as different states and countries can have a mandatory separation of six months to three years.

Edited because I forgot to say I'm sorry he's an asshat and that you're going through this

Ladymouse · January 2015

It is much better to get a divorce from someone who is trying to force an abortion than to try to raise children with that person. My best friend has had 12 hellish years (and kids who shared in that hell) in a relationship like that. Emotionally manipulative/abusive relationships tend to get worse, not better, and they often get radically worse. Your child will be better off with either no father or a loving stepfather than one who is emotionally manipulative if not abusive.

jessicastnbrgr · January 2015

He has done it again, been ignoring him for a while now, he didn't really made an effort asking how I'm doing or anything. He said he really really needed to talk to me and kept on calling. I don't know why I gave him a chance to talk to me. As we were talking over Skype, he was giving me one compliment after another, even put his wedding ring back on his finger, asked me about what kinda names I like, telling me he's gonna do EVERYTHING to get us back to where we were and he's gonna rent out the apartment and move here to be there for the baby and want us back more than anything. Just now ( only two days later ) he has said that we're never gonna get back to where we were and I don't have the right to feel sad about this situation because I left him and took the future for this kid with a dad away. I am so so so upset right now. How could I be so goddamn dumb to even listen to what he had to say. I still haven't heard from my lawyer. I'm really sad he's treating me like that but I guess it's also my own fault. You guys mean so much to me! My friends and family here in Belgium think a divorce isn't necesarry because 'he might change and come here and prove he really wants this'. So it sucks when I talk to them they give me the feeling I'm exaggerating. So being able to vent on this board and get this amount of support means so so so much to me!

jessicastnbrgr · January 2015

@megron‌ where in Europe are you from?

megron · January 2015

@jessicastnbrgr‌ - I'm from Ireland but I spent seven years growing up in the US and have lived here for the past six. I married my gay best friend's partner in Ireland when I was 22 so he wouldn't get deported. It takes three years for divorce there but when we got the date he just didn't show up (purposely to make it easy) and the judge ruled in his absence.

I'm so sorry he is toying with you like that! It would be hard anyway but with being pregnant I can't even imagine

Are you on the same time as France, so +6? If you need someone to talk to I'm on bedrest and can send you my Facebook.

Katerina&Baby · January 2015

jessicastnbrgr said:
He has done it again, been ignoring him for a while now, he didn't really made an effort asking how I'm doing or anything. He said he really really needed to talk to me and kept on calling. I don't know why I gave him a chance to talk to me. As we were talking over Skype, he was giving me one compliment after another, even put his wedding ring back on his finger, asked me about what kinda names I like, telling me he's gonna do EVERYTHING to get us back to where we were and he's gonna rent out the apartment and move here to be there for the baby and want us back more than anything. Just now ( only two days later ) he has said that we're never gonna get back to where we were and I don't have the right to feel sad about this situation because I left him and took the future for this kid with a dad away. I am so so so upset right now. How could I be so goddamn dumb to even listen to what he had to say. I still haven't heard from my lawyer. I'm really sad he's treating me like that but I guess it's also my own fault. You guys mean so much to me! My friends and family here in Belgium think a divorce isn't necesarry because 'he might change and come here and prove he really wants this'. So it sucks when I talk to them they give me the feeling I'm exaggerating. So being able to vent on this board and get this amount of support means so so so much to me!

The level of emotional manipulation he seems to exhibit is mind blowing. Please don't listen to your family on this - they don't live your relationship. If I were you, I would cut off all communication except through your attorney. I'm so, so sorry that you have to deal with this.

megron · January 2015

Katerina&Baby said:

jessicastnbrgr said:
He has done it again, been ignoring him for a while now, he didn't really made an effort asking how I'm doing or anything. He said he really really needed to talk to me and kept on calling. I don't know why I gave him a chance to talk to me. As we were talking over Skype, he was giving me one compliment after another, even put his wedding ring back on his finger, asked me about what kinda names I like, telling me he's gonna do EVERYTHING to get us back to where we were and he's gonna rent out the apartment and move here to be there for the baby and want us back more than anything. Just now ( only two days later ) he has said that we're never gonna get back to where we were and I don't have the right to feel sad about this situation because I left him and took the future for this kid with a dad away. I am so so so upset right now. How could I be so goddamn dumb to even listen to what he had to say. I still haven't heard from my lawyer. I'm really sad he's treating me like that but I guess it's also my own fault. You guys mean so much to me! My friends and family here in Belgium think a divorce isn't necesarry because 'he might change and come here and prove he really wants this'. So it sucks when I talk to them they give me the feeling I'm exaggerating. So being able to vent on this board and get this amount of support means so so so much to me!
The level of emotional manipulation he seems to exhibit is mind blowing. Please don't listen to your family on this - they don't live your relationship. If I were you, I would cut off all communication except through your attorney. I'm so, so sorry that you have to deal with this.

Your first sentence is so on point!

jessicastnbrgr · January 2015

@megron‌ yes it's 6.25pm here now.
I don't have fb

I closed my account before I left my husband. I do have Whatsapp, IMessage. Skype or email. How many weeks are you now? Bedrest you said?
My doctor told me I can't do any type of exercise and it drives me totally crazy. I love a good work out session also to reduce the tension and get rid of all the anger!
When I see my friends and I tell them with a big smile on my face how I felt my baby kick so hard it woke me up, they smile and say 'oh that cute, so how's your husband? I miss myself, I used to be super strong, and positive. Now these hormones make me doubt every single thing, go from the most sad mood to being euphoric, get into these OCD cleanup moods.. Oh boy!

Hollygolightly87 · January 2015

megron said:
@jessicastnbrgr‌ - I'm from Ireland but I spent seven years growing up in the US and have lived here for the past six. I married my gay best friend's partner in Ireland when I was 22 so he wouldn't get deported. It takes three years for divorce there but when we got the date he just didn't show up (purposely to make it easy) and the judge ruled in his absence.

I'm so sorry he is toying with you like that! It would be hard anyway but with being pregnant I can't even imagine

Are you on the same time as France, so +6? If you need someone to talk to I'm on bedrest and can send you my Facebook.

Your life sounds like it could be a movie! You have a great attitude for everything you've been through!!!!!!

ooopswediditagain · January 2015

Hun. Change your number and stay away from him so your pregnancy isn't effected more. If start the divorce proceedings now if you can. You will have to seek an attorney in Belgium for advice on how to do that.

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