Intro and minor meltdown (trigger warning)

deedeefernandez · January 2015

Hello everyone! I am new to this board and have been lurking for a bit. (Cross posted in 3t)

My name is DeeDee. My husband and i have been ttc officially for 5 months.. but have been "going with the flow" for over a year. We each have a child, 5&6. I had my daughter very young and had a very stressful pregnancy. She was born premature after going into preterm labor twice and being on bedrest for 3 1/2 months. I had a mc a year and a half ago where they discovered. I have some pretty bad scarring on my cervix. My doctor has tried to reassure me that i still have a shot but it may just be more difficult... Im glad to finally be able to join a group of ladies that understand what im going through as im having a hard time getting support from friends and family that can't relate..

*Meltdown*
My close friend which knows we are ttc found out she was pregnant today. She has only been with her boyfriend for 3 months...has a daughter whos father isn't around.. her brilliant way of telling me was to text me a photo of her pee sticks the day af arrived for me.. i didnt expect myself to breakdown the way i did. I left work crying and im just so angry. I feel she should have called or done anything but rub it in my face.. im so angry... i called to check in with her after i had calmed a bit and was met with the "don't worry it'll happen when it's meant to" speech.. needless to say i exploded and said sone hurtful things. My question for you ladies is this..

How do you manage to keep from.being resentful? I can feel myself turning bitter and I'm not sure how to get myself back on track.

Thank you all. I am very happy to join this community. I apologize for any typos, my phone keyboard and I are not friends at the moment.

rbtrumpet · January 2015

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and troubles. I have not been there, and can't offer any advice.

Sadly, the powers-that-be here have massively and blanketly banned most of the women who would be able to relate to you. Most of them have congregated over on The Dark Side. I'm sure they would be full of advice and support for you.

deedeefernandez · January 2015

Thank you. I'll check it out

MrsN092714 · January 2015

I have not been ttc for very long, just starting cycle 3 as af showed her ugly face today, 4 days later than expected raising my hopes a little. I do know where you are coming from with your friend. Two weeks ago a friend of mine found out she was pregnant, and definitely not trying and last weekend had a friend announce she's 12 weeks along, totally unexpected as "they only ever did it once without protection" and i almost broke down. It's hard finding yourself wanting something so much and everyone around you is popping up pregnant "on accident" I think you have to let your self be a little upset but move on and just keep positive. Do what you can do, chart, opk's...whatever. As much as the "it'll happen when it's supposed to happen" talk sucks it is what it is and will happen when it happens. Knowing you are doing everything you can and that with each month there is only a 20% chance helps to ease my mind. Good luck, hope you find yourself on a very short road to conceiving!

SassetteSmurfling · January 2015

A few years ago I had a MC, it was horrible. Only 3 people knew I was pregnant and therefore knew about the miscarriage. A few months later (DH and I were back to trying, unsuccessfully at that point) my BEST FRIEND who was one of the few people who knew what I was going through, also texted me her positive pee stick (from a one night stand, with one of two people, the world may never know...). My initial reaction was to be completely pissed off at her. I mean how could she!? She knew all my troubles why would she rub it in my face like that? I was SO mad. Then I realized something. She wasn't rubbing it in my face and she honestly probably wasn't thinking about me at all at that point. She wasn't even "sharing the news". She was scared. She was terrified. While a positive pee stick would have been pure bliss for me, for her it was scary and confusing. She was telling me because she needed a friend. She needed support. She needed someone to talk to. And while I still wish she would have considered my feelings first, I know it wasn't ill-intended. She needed a friend and I was her best friend, it only made sense for her to call/text me the second that double line popped up. So I sucked it up and was the friend she needed me to be.

All that to say- no one is getting pregnant to spite you. No one is rubbing their pregnancies in your face. No one is trying to hurt you or make you feel bad. If people are sharing their pregnancies with you, it's because you mean something to them.

And, keep in mind, no one else's fertility has any impact on yours. There aren't a limited number of babies in the world. Someone else having one doesn't take it away from you.

KatzKiss · January 2015

Welcome DeeDee! A lot of us have had troubles with family or friends who have conceived before us. It is hard to not be resentful, jealous, or even angry, Don't punish yourself for those feelings. They are totally normal. But, and this is brutality honest, don't punish your friends for their good fortune. They are most likely not trying to hurt you. They just consider you their closest friend and want to share their joy with you. Perhaps she felt that sending you a pic of the stick was less rubbing it in your face then calling and telling you. To be honest, I probably would have done the same thing-chicken shit as it may be. Before I knew anything about fertility problems, I would have said it will happen when it's meant to be and I would have meant it. That's not mean, just ignorance.. So this is for your main question-how do we deal with this awkward situation where one friend is pregnant and the other maybe struggling. Talk! Tell her exactly how this situation makes you feel. Tell her that you are jealous and why. She doesn't sound like the kind of friend who thrives of off others jealousy. You will be there for her through her pregnancy ups and downs because she is your close friend. You might not want to, but you do. Because when you are struggling with your fertility or pregnancy, issues you will want her to do the same for you. You will tell her that she will be a great mom and that her child is lucky for having her for a mother like her otherwise why would she be your close friend in the first place?! Good luck DeeDee

Mrs.Raines · January 2015

I'm about 5 years ttc our first. If I had a meltdown every time a friend or family member got pregnant before me, I'd be in the looney bin. You just have to get over it. You can't control other people's vagunas. Just be happy for them and move on. Eta: Okay I typed vagina but autocorrect changed it to vaguna. I'm just going to keep it like that cuz that's frickin funny!

darkangel42 · January 2015

Mrs.Raines said:

I'm about 5 years ttc our first. If I had a meltdown every time a friend or family member got pregnant before me, I'd be in the looney bin. You just have to get over it. You can't control other people's vagunas. Just be happy for them and move on. Eta: Okay I typed vagina but autocorrect changed it to vaguna. I'm just going to keep it like that cuz that's frickin funny!

New favourite word: vaguna. DH isn't going to appreciate it but it's keeping me amused.

chall87 · January 2015

I've been getting irrational feelings of resentment also. Even when my friends complain about their children and how much money they are or how difficult things are for them because of children. And their children weren't even planned. I've just started trying to focus on a different mentality of "if it's not happening for me, I'm going to take full advantage of like without kids while I can" and now when my friends complain, I tell them that I would love to be in their shoes bit since I cant, I'm going to go out for dinner and drinks with my husband, watch what I want on TV, and sleep in on the weekend. They usually get the hint...

Intro and minor meltdown (trigger warning)

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