Back to work after baby or not?

miap23 · January 2015

Hey ladies im completely conflicted. . I would like to know your honest options. I am due at the end of May. My husband and I have talked about if I am going to go back to work after the baby is born. I would absolutely love to stay home and raise my own child. Im just not too sure if it will be the smartest thing in the world. Obviously for money reasons. If I go back to work I would have my family watch him while my husband and I are at work. I can't in my right mind ask them to watch the baby for free thats a full time job! How much is the right amount to pay someone to watch a newborn (family or not)? If its a lot which I was thinking at least $200 a week im sure that is still not enough. That would be a little more than half my paycheck a month. Am I better just staying home and raising my son myself... I just dont want my husband to feel like am not contributing. If this makes sense at all.

louloutte87 · January 2015

I think this is a decision only your family can make - if you don't want to go back and can afford to stay home then do. If you can't, you'll have to go back and find childcare.

Luckily, my hubs and I have managed to swap schedules so baby will only need 2 says of childcare a week, one of which my mum will do. Perhaps an arrangement like that is possible? I can't comment on how much it is expected to pay there, but here a full time nursery place is about £200/week.

blankenbakerh · January 2015

I understand where you are coming from. We considered the same option as well when my hubby and I had our DD. I did end up going back and child care was expensive. We also found out when she was a 14 months I was expecting again. The decision was then made for me to stay home as the cost of child care would not outweigh my pay very much. I will say that it's not alway easy living on a one income household. We had to budget carefully and make small sacrifices. However they were well worth it! I have been at SAHM for 7 years now. During that time we also had our DS. I think it really comes down to what is best for your own individual family. I struggled for awhile thinking I was not contributing because I no longer brought home a check but soon realized that I was contributing in other ways. My DH told me that he likes me being at home and that while it has been at times financially not easy, he likes knowing I am home taking care of the kids. He says it's less stress for him as far as which one has to take off work to take the child to the doctor, handle school functions, household functions, running errands, etc. There are a lot of SAHM in my area that helped me with the transition. If you choose that route maybe you could reach out to your local SAHM group.

miap23 · January 2015

Yea I know im just hoping for some insight I live in southern California and the cost of living is so expensive here. My husband is self employed small business he works 6 days a week with not much lead way in scheduling. I would love to have my mom watch him but she passed away last January.:( my husband's mom passed in 2008. Kinda sucks he will have no grandma's but I guess thats life...

blankenbakerh · January 2015

Sorry to hear you both lost your parents. Luckily where we live the cost of living is lower and that helps. My husband is also self employed. We make it work.

miap23 · January 2015

Thank you that really helps. We as woman and moms want to do the best for our families, but sometimes I second guess what is the right thing.

beaseg · January 2015

I went back to work for the first year. After that, quit my job, cancelled cable, switched cell phone plans, changed our eating habits (2 no meat meals/week, no more eating out, meal planning, etc). Started watching kids (where I can bring mine with) and we make it. But we aren't saving anymore, like we used to, and I'm not contributing to my 401K. Now with no. 2 on the way, we will see how things go. But we couldn't afford 2 kids in daycare, so now going back to work isn't even an option. It's a lot of pressure on my husband and he's awesome about it- always complimentary of my "Brave" decision. And I don't regret being home. But it is nerve wracking to know we aren't saving. we have our old savings, and that's it. So if we need it for something....no way to replenish it. I wouldn't have done this if DH wasn't 100% on board. And he wasn't for the first year, that's why I worked.

miap23 · January 2015

Its always nice to hear the real life stuggles. Not to say that its a struggle as much as a compromise

smurf605 · January 2015

I'm sure you didn't mean it, but I work full time, have 2 kids, and raise my own children.

Sarahbmcd · January 2015

miap23 said:
Hey ladies im completely conflicted. . I would like to know your honest options. I am due at the end of May. My husband and I have talked about if I am going to go back to work after the baby is born. I would absolutely love to stay home and raise my own child. Im just not too sure if it will be the smartest thing in the world. Obviously for money reasons. If I go back to work I would have my family watch him while my husband and I are at work. I can't in my right mind ask them to watch the baby for free thats a full time job! How much is the right amount to pay someone to watch a newborn (family or not)? If its a lot which I was thinking at least $200 a week im sure that is still not enough. That would be a little more than half my paycheck a month. Am I better just staying home and raising my son myself... I just dont want my husband to feel like am not contributing. If this makes sense at all.

I'm a nanny but since you said family or not I will tell you that 200 is NOT NEARLY ENOUGH. If you want that cheap do daycare.

miap23 · January 2015

Thank you!! This is what I was looking for. Can I ask you how much is acceptable for an infant?

miap23 · January 2015

smurf605 said:
I'm sure you didn't mean it, but I work full time, have 2 kids, and raise my own children.

No didn't mean that at all I totally respect you for being able to do that. If I have to work and so does my husband I feel like I wouldn't be the one raising my kid. I feel whomever is watching them hours on end have the upper hand on me. Glad you are able to do it. Good for you!!

Sarahbmcd · January 2015

At least 12 an hour and with it being a regular thing you want to look into taxes.

ETA: I saw you're in Southern California. So hourly rate would probably be higher.

miap23 · January 2015

Ok that is exactly what I needed to hear. I think at this rate it would be cheaper for me to stay home. I make 12$ an hour. Sooo guess you see where I am going with that...

beaseg · January 2015

I live in Chicago land area. I get paid $120/day for 1 kid plus her older sister after school for a few hours. And I get to bring my kid. And we get to eat their food while we're there. I pay taxes. My day is 8-4:45. Many nannies in my area charge an agreed upon rate per day, rather than an hourly rate.

amiligrace · January 2015

I live in California and work as a nanny. Anywhere from $12-$15 per hour is appropriate pay.

saric83 · January 2015

I would start checking out local daycare places to find out how much they would charge. Not only will this give you a perspective of ballpark you should pay the relative, but you should also know just in case something doesn't work out with the relative and you'd need to switch to a different daycare.

And I would use that amount to base your decision off of. For us, we determined that if we were spending half or more of my paycheck that we would make it work if I wanted to stay home.

Rosie3rd · January 2015

I'm sorry for the loss of you and your partners mothers' and I understand how you feel about not contributing. When I had my first child, I was able to take a year off and then do nights or weekends (I'm a nurse) for another year. That nearly killed me, and definitely was tough on my relationship with my husband. We looked into child care for 2 days a week ($140/day in Oz) and the same week she started I found out I was pregnant again. I worked through that pregnancy, then my husband and I made an agreement that I would stay home for another year and he would look for a higher paying job to enable me to continue to stay home. That's why we ended up moving across the country and I'm now pregnant with my third, have a 16mth old and a nearly 4yr old. That's the only way I was able to stay home and my husband has a wonderful new job that pays enough that we aren't struggling anymore. I still feel like I'm not contributing financially sometimes, but my husband reminds me that putting all the kids in care and going to work would leave us no better off as that would be my whole pay. Plus I get to be here with my kids, in a way that my mum wasn't able to be (single mum working full time) and I'm forever grateful for that. Just remember that even if your kids go into care, you're still their mother and no one can replace that bond. I clearly remember going to daycare as a child and I never felt like I was raised by someone else. My mother did all the hard work, as every parent does, regardless of whether that parent works out of the home or in it.
Sorry for the rambling post, I clearly need more coffee.

miap23 · January 2015

Lol.. no worries ladies you are completely helping me out! thanks for understanding and not ripping me apart like I seen on some of the other feeds..

trishadobel · January 2015

Sorry to crash, I don't post much because I use the app on my phone and don't enjoy typing on it. I am sorry you are having to make this decision. It is such a hard decision to make, and child care can get so expensive. I personally am going back to work, but I work from home. I was able to stay home with my first child, once he went to school I went back to work. I really wish I didn't have to but we have gotten so use to our current income. I hope you can come to a decision that you are happy with as I know it is such a hard one to make. Best of luck!

CateOfChicago · January 2015

Obviously a family decision financially. On the personal preference side, I work 3 days and I love it. I would be go crazy if I didn't have those days. I get paid hourly so I can work more from home if necessary. I was lucky my boss allowed this. I feel like I have the best of both worlds bc I get to spend so much time with LO as well. Good luck.

afidalgo12 · January 2015

This is such a difficult and personal decision....and I think regardless of your individual situation, every woman struggles with this to some degree.

I'm a first time mom so I don't have much experience - I'll be going back to work but I already feel guillty about it - but I just wanted you to feel some more support

Good luck with making a decision that works for you and your family!!

macyginmomma · January 2015

Hi ladies! This is my first post. It is great to know that other women are facing this extremely hard decision about going back to work. I still have not decided how long I will take for maternity as I work for my states government and they allow up to 7 months unpaid for childcare. At the moment I am trying to take 4 paid months with the time I have saved. As much as I would love to stay home with our child when I do the finances it really looks like I have to go back to work. Not just money wise but the fact I have better health insurance that my SO and a pension. I am unsure if I would be able to get back into the workforce very easily if I took time off because I have an arts degree in criminal justice (not a ton of options) I am thinking of going back 4 days a week and have my father who is retired watch the baby for $150 a week or use the daycare that is located in my work building for $235 a week. They have an open door policy so I will spend my breaks and lunch with my baby. Still have not come up with what the best arrangement will be. I go back and forth with guilt and feeling selfish that I sometimes I feel like I really want to work. I hope all you ladies do what is best for your families and for yourself as I know no matter what you chose you may never feel like you are doing the right thing. I am always interested in what others moms plans are for after the birth so this is why I am posting. Have a wonderful day and good luck to all!

dianekathryn · January 2015

This is the hardest decision for every woman and family because you won't know what it is like to choose the other option. If you have spent any time developing a career or like your job, it makes the decision even more challenging. If this is the case, my suggestion is to see if your company allows part-time. Additionally, there are situations where assistance is available to help pay for day care costs, so maybe you can research that option in your area. And once a decision is made, be sure to give yourself the time and space to adjust to your decision. It takes time to adjust to being a new mommy and being a either a SAH or working mommy might take even longer. Good luck! I am sure that you and your husband will figure out what works best for your family.

itsmevkb · January 2015

miap23 said:

I'm sure you didn't mean it, but I work full time, have 2 kids, and raise my own children.
No didn't mean that at all I totally respect you for being able to do that. If I have to work and so does my husband I feel like I wouldn't be the one raising my kid. I feel whomever is watching them hours on end have the upper hand on me. Glad you are able to do it. Good for you!!

Sorry, but this is ridiculous. Do you honestly believe that fathers don't raise their kids because the vast majority of them OMG work? Or, that once parents send their kids off to school that they are no longer raising their kids because they aren't with them all day? Working mothers, and fathers, 100% raise their children and it's your kind of thinking that contributes to many of them having working parent guilt. Trust me, once you have your baby, if you do decide to continue working, you will completely get what I'm saying. You are a mother 24/7/365.

As for if you should or shouldn't work, I don't think you'll really know which you want to do until after you have the baby and have time to adjust. You'd be surprised by how many parents think they want to stay at home and end up realizing they would rather work and vice versa. There are tons of things to consider when making the decision and it shouldn't be something decided based just on how much of YOUR income will go to childcare. I'm assuming you and your partner share your expenses so daycare or a babysitter or nanny or whichever is a portion of your overall household budget, not something you pay alone. Additionally, you should be looking at things like what kind of benefits are you offered? Do you get a great match on 401K contributions that you won't be getting (not to mention to not making any contributions) if you stop working? Will not working push off your husband's or your retirement farther than you'd like? Is your field something that you can easily drop out of for a few years and then get back into without losing a lot of ground? Are you at the point in your career where if you leave you'll miss out on promotional opportunities which would bring either more job satisfaction, more money, or both?

For me, I love my job and I love my kids so I do both. I don't stop being a mother while I'm at work.

yasminhosny · January 2015

@itsmevkb‌ oh my god! It is like i was suddenly enlightened. This is my first baby and i keep thinking whether i should continue working or not 24/7. I am afraid that i will feel guilty if i work. And i am afraid i would regret it if i dont continue and pursue my career as i am at a point where i can get promoted if i stayed. I will definitely leave my child in child care and with my mom (she works too but not full time). I know that my income will definitely help our little family every month. Anyway thank you for your two cents , you cleared it for me really

itsmevkb · January 2015

yasminhosny said:

@itsmevkb‌ oh my god! It is like i was suddenly enlightened. This is my first baby and i keep thinking whether i should continue working or not 24/7. I am afraid that i will feel guilty if i work. And i am afraid i would regret it if i dont continue and pursue my career as i am at a point where i can get promoted if i stayed. I will definitely leave my child in child care and with my mom (she works too but not full time). I know that my income will definitely help our little family every month. Anyway thank you for your two cents , you cleared it for me really

I'm glad it helped you. I am pretty passionate about women, and men for that matter, making whatever choice is best for them and their family but I hate it when people make it out to be black or white. It's not all about how much of your income will go to daycare. Daycare is a limited time expense and depending on your field you can really lose ground even taking a year off, much less more. My own career is not one I could have left and easily come back to, in fact, I probably never would have made it back in, not to mention the three promotions I've received since having my first child. Had I chosen to stay home those opportunities would have been lost to me forever. The trade off, for me, wasn't worth it but I can see that it would be for some women and especially for those who are more working a job rather than in a career and field they love. I just want women to understand the trade offs they are making.

peteresa · January 2015

Stay home with your baby and make adjustments to live on one income, there's nothing like seeing all of your child's 1st's, it's amazing, don't give those moments up just to make a buck! I have a friend that wanted to further her career and gave up all those firsts with her kids and she realizes that was a huge mistake, after the money is gone you are left with nothing but regret. You will have missed moments you can never get back.

itsmevkb · January 2015

peteresa said:

Stay home with your baby and make adjustments to live on one income, there's nothing like seeing all of your child's 1st's, it's amazing, don't give those moments up just to make a buck! I have a friend that wanted to further her career and gave up all those firsts with her kids and she realizes that was a huge mistake, after the money is gone you are left with nothing but regret. You will have missed moments you can never get back.

So, what about dads? Is every dad out there filled with regret for working and supporting their families? Why is it more important for a mom to see a first rather than a dad?

Even if you choose to stay at home you might miss some of your child's firsts. You walk out of the room for a minute and come back and wow, your kid is half-way across the room walking. Technically, you just missed their first steps. Unless you literally spend every moment with your child and never send them to school, you are bound to miss some things the absolute first time they happen. But so what? The first time they do it with you can also be considered a first and in that regard I haven't missed any of my kid's firsts.

peteresa · January 2015

itsmevkb said:

peteresa said:

Stay home with your baby and make adjustments to live on one income, there's nothing like seeing all of your child's 1st's, it's amazing, don't give those moments up just to make a buck! I have a friend that wanted to further her career and gave up all those firsts with her kids and she realizes that was a huge mistake, after the money is gone you are left with nothing but regret. You will have missed moments you can never get back.

So, what about dads? Is every dad out there filled with regret for working and supporting their families? Why is it more important for a mom to see a first rather than a dad?

Even if you choose to stay at home you might miss some of your child's firsts. You walk out of the room for a minute and come back and wow, your kid is half-way across the room walking. Technically, you just missed their first steps. Unless you literally spend every moment with your child and never send them to school, you are bound to miss some things the absolute first time they happen. But so what? The first time they do it with you can also be considered a first and in that regard I haven't missed any of my kid's firsts.

Just giving OP my personal honest opinion she asked for, that's all! Everyone has their own ideas and preferances and if you feel like you haven't missed special moments with your kids then good for you!

miap23 · January 2015

Wow... I really didn't mean to offend anyone. If you look at my post and not read too much into it which I feel some of you may have. I was merely talking about the cost of infant care. Trying to find out if its smart for ME to stay home or not. When I use the words like raise my own child. Im not talking about anyone but myself. I wouldn't speak for someone else especially if I dont know them or their situation. Not putting down dads or moms for working I'm not saying they are any less than a parent. Would absolutely never I mean never say that!. Yes its a full time job... I will say it again if I choose to have someone watch my child for 12 hours a day 6 days a week with no lead way of scheduling. I will feel like I am not there enough hence I feel like I am not raising my kid. That would leave me with my child 2-3 hours a day. Sorry if anyone took this personally to their situation. I was literally talking about how I would feel!!!

carissaweiss · January 2015

Miap23 - no need to worry or apologize. If people seem to be getting offended, I think it's simply because the issue of how to balance (read: juggle) raising a family and having a career/job is a tricky and personal one. Most women of whom I've asked this question have said they prefer at least part-time work if feasible, if only so they can continue having their own thing outside the house. Unfortunately, too many jobs in the US don't include that option. For me personally, I used to work very long hours in a field I loved but for a company which left me feeling consistently overwhelmed and underappreciated. So when we decided to start a family, my DH and I made a number of changes: we moved out of NYC to a small town where we have more space and a much lower cost of living; I quit my stressful job and started my own business that I could do more part-time and from home; and he managed to secure a part-time telecommuting arrangement with his company so that he could be home more with the baby once she's born. I'm hoping that this will be a healthier, sustainable arrangement for our family, but we have yet to see. And it's definitely meant some changes already, such as learning to work without the support and assistance of colleagues (for me) and adjusting to life with just one full-time income (for both of us).

Alliinwonderland · January 2015

I live in Southern California as well. I chose to go part time and work nights (if your job is that sort) so that my husband can watch the baby while I'm away a few nights a week. I may have missed where u work but maybe you can do something like that?

itsmevkb · January 2015

miap23 said:

Wow... I really didn't mean to offend anyone. If you look at my post and not read too much into it which I feel some of you may have. I was merely talking about the cost of infant care. Trying to find out if its smart for ME to stay home or not. When I use the words like raise my own child. Im not talking about anyone but myself. I wouldn't speak for someone else especially if I dont know them or their situation. Not putting down dads or moms for working I'm not saying they are any less than a parent. Would absolutely never I mean never say that!. Yes its a full time job... I will say it again if I choose to have someone watch my child for 12 hours a day 6 days a week with no lead way of scheduling. I will feel like I am not there enough hence I feel like I am not raising my kid. That would leave me with my child 2-3 hours a day. Sorry if anyone took this personally to their situation. I was literally talking about how I would feel!!!

When you say that putting your child into daycare is the equivalent of not raising your child you are saying that working parents who do the same are not raising their children. If you think it would be true for you then why would anyone think you mean all other working parents are raising their kids but you wouldn't be? It's a stereotype that's out there and one that puts a lot of pressure and guilt on women needlessly. It's also quite sexist in that no-one ever suggests that men don't raise their children simply because they work.

Like I said before, if you feel you need more time with your children than working can afford you and that weighs higher than furthering your career right now, by all means, stay home. But, the decision shouldn't ever just be one of how much money does daycare cost vs how much do I make. That kind of thinking can lead women to give up a job/career they love only to later find out hey, I don't love being a SAHM despite all of society telling me I should.

smurf605 · January 2015

There also seems to be the general assumption that men are the primary wage earners. For some women, it is not a choice, and perhaps they would prefer to stay at home.

I understand that OP is going through her own feelings and they are difficult ones, but it is very hurtful to hear the idea of being a working mom equated to not raising your own child. My child care providers may teach my children things (some things I had never thought of), but they certainly are not raising them.

Also, childcare rates vary greatly depending on location and type (in home, center, nanny). You probably need to look at your local area (perhaps local bump board) to get an idea on cost. We are currently in a similar situation. There is no way we can justify DH working with three kids under 4. We are evaluating alternative childcare options vs. DH staying at home.

ginger819 · January 2015

We considered me staying home with baby and for a while it looked like that was the direction we were going to go. However, I've gotten a promotion recently and I really do love my job. DH has also stepped down from a higher paying job because he did not enjoy it. We realized that me staying home would not be the best for our family now that the situation has changed. We compromised and are going to adjust our schedules so one of us is home with her for four days (possibly 5 if we can afford DH cutting back his hours) then my mom and aunt will most likely be watching her the other 2-3 days. We are hoping my next promotion (should happen within the next 1-2 years) will allow DH to cut his hours back even more and stay home with lo. He would enjoy staying home more than I would and I enjoy working much more than he does. For us this arrangement makes the most sense.

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