Need some advice !

brittrenn · January 2015

so this is my first baby due in 3 weeks, my boyfriend has 2 other kids his family also lives on the other side of canada and mine is close! I've brought it up before that Id perfer my mom be here with me just before baby comes and a few days after then im fine with his family coming to visit but when they come they plan to stay for 2 weeks and stay with us and our house is small. So in this case I asked if his kids could go to his ex for a few days till we get settled, he wants his kids here and parents here asap to stay after the birth and im feeling very over welmed like I won't have time to bond with my child!!! Any advice on how to deal with these feelings or bring it up to him without coming across like I'm saying I don't want his kids or family here for a few days!
Thanks

scgmama · January 2015

First I need some additional info OP, are his children and parents coming to visit together? Or are his parents coming to visit separately from his children? Do you have any sort of existing relationship with his children?

HayleyBug55 · January 2015

I personally wouldn't want that many people in my house right after getting out of the hospital. Those first few days at home are a big deal and you need time to settle in with a newborn. It's amazing they're so exited to meet your LO and seem very supportive. Maybe talk to him and ask if they could hold off coming to visit for a week or two after your LO arrives. Hopefully they will understand that coming home with a newborn is stressful and you both need time to settle in.

brittrenn · January 2015

Yes right now we have his kids 50 percent of the time, I love his kids I just want some time to take it all in and figure it out kind of thing not try to keep on schedule for them as they are in school and sports I just would like a few days where we only have the baby. His parents are coming to visit for 2 weeks and plan to stay here so yes in that time frame we would have his two kids 4-6 year old.

scgmama · January 2015

Okay with that info I believe asking his parents to wait a couple weeks to visit isn't asking too much. I don't have much advice on how to ask that nicely so I would look at PP.

However, I don't think it's appropriate to ask for his children not to be there. I have a blended family with two DD's of my own and two SS's. I wouldn't dream of asking my DF to have his ex watch the boys just because it's going to be overwhelming. It's going to be hectic and take some getting used to but you need to treat his children as your own. I don't believe it's fair to exclude them when you're expecting their baby brother/sister. It's also not fair to your BF. If his ex decides on her own to watch the two children more to give you two some time to bond with your newborn then awesome, how nice of her. But she isn't obligated to do that for you and I don't know what kind of relationship you or your BF have with her (civil vs not, etc).

Plus with 50/50 custody you're still going to have days when the little ones are at their mom's house and you will have that alone time with your baby. Your BF still has to parent his children and I don't believe it's your right to ask differently. You don't want to be the evil stepmom in this situation.

AlyBeeVee8 · January 2015

If anything, you could explain how you just want a little bit of alone time with the baby and could ask his parents to help out with his other kids. They are their grandkids too, after all.
They should be understanding.. You're not trying to be evil, you just want some peace and quiet. You just had a baby for Pete's sake!
Good luck!

foxslaw · January 2015

I think you're being a little unreasonable about his kids, I mean, you're now kind of their step mom too (and that's their baby sibling).

brittrenn · January 2015

I would say I'm evil about his kids I understand where everyone is coming from im only asking for like 2 days as we only have a small house and there isn't a place for people to sleep to keep kids on schedule, that's my only consern my spouse is military as well so only gets 4 days off to spend with us, and I honestly don't think I'd be up to entertaining his parents my mom is here to help me and get right back into the swing of kids school and sports as soon as I get out of the hospital. It's going to be over welming and it's the point that im not close with his parents Id rather my mom here to help me but there's just no way we can have that many people in our tiny house it just isn't possible. I just don't feel like I can be running to school and hockey and lunches and dance two days after giving birth. I want the kids here just feel it would be better for them to stay on schedule for those few crazy days

Ace226 · January 2015

Just tell him what you're telling us.

jknallen · January 2015

I think asking for his ex to have the kids is unreasonable.

I have two kids already with my DH and they will be home and I have to deal with their schedule, getting them to and from school and taking them to their activities and a new baby after having a csection. It's life and that is just something that you have to do.

Having people stay at your house that don't live there can wait and if ask for that. Maybe they could stay in a hotel for a few days if they must come so close to delivery and then stay with you. Maybe they will decide that the hotel is a nice place to be and just stay there.

mishka29 · January 2015

Kids should stay, your mom should come and his parents should wait a little longer. My two cents.

scgmama · January 2015

I get it's going to be a hassle trying to juggle a newborn and two other children who have set schedules, but your BF and his children are a package deal. You knew this getting into a relationship with him and when you got pregnant right? No one said having a blended family is easy but like I said you need to treat them as if you birthed them yourself. How would you feel if he said that he wanted a few days without your children there so it can just be the baby and you two? If your mom is going to be there to help then great! She can help with the baby and the kids too. You can't ask your BF to not have his kids there, that's absolutely not fair to him or the children.

I get not wanting so much family to stay with you the entire time. The hotel suggestion from PP is a great one, at least for a few days. My FI recently got out of the military so I get that too, but he's still working all the time as a civilian so military status doesn't change much unless he's deployed.

Edit: grammar

sweetdreamz6700 · January 2015

We have a blended family here as well with DH and his boys, also 50/50. I totally understand where you are coming from. In our case we have a very civil relationship with thier BM and she stepped forward saying the minute I know we're headed to the hospital to call and they would take the boys. We haven't discussed how long she will keep them as it all depends on when DH goes back to work. If he heads out the day after we get home then we might just switch weeks. Especially if I have a c-section since I won't be able to drive for 2wks and I'm the school bus when they are with us. If he stays home that week then bring em on! If you don't have anyone available to help then it is reasonable to switch weeks *if* its agreed upon with all parents and the kids understand the logistics (which is harder in your case with the kids ages).

As far as your mom and his parents go - I like the suggestion of a hotel so you don't have to be hostess as well as new mom. Your BF also has the right to have his parents there as its his kid too. So you are in a tough spot

Its really down to communication. Talk to him about your concerns and make a plan that benefits both of you.

ColleenS629 · January 2015

jknallen said:

I think asking for his ex to have the kids is unreasonable. I have two kids already with my DH and they will be home and I have to deal with their schedule, getting them to and from school and taking them to their activities and a new baby after having a csection. It's life and that is just something that you have to do. Having people stay at your house that don't live there can wait and if ask for that. Maybe they could stay in a hotel for a few days if they must come so close to delivery and then stay with you. Maybe they will decide that the hotel is a nice place to be and just stay there.

This. My DH and I already have two kids and yes it is going to be a pain getting them to and from school, etc. with a brand new baby, but that's life. I would never in a million years think of sending them away for the homecoming of their brand new baby sibling.

I understand being overwhelmed with the thought of your ILs visiting. I felt the same way after my twins were born, but maybe in this situation it would be helpful. They could help with the burden of keeping the older kids on their schedule.

scgmama · January 2015

Oh and OP your BF should get 10 days of convalescent (sp?) leave, not 4. For every branch of the military he can get up to 10 days of leave, while they can only approve 4 days it's highly unlikely unless he's going to be deploying or has special training.

Beth.1212 · January 2015

I'm with PP. I don't think it's reasonable for you to ask for the step kids to be sent to the ex's if BF wants them there. I do, however, think it's reasonable for you to tell BF "I can't be driving the older kids around until XX days after I give birth (assuming I can have a vaginal birth). I need that time to heal and figure out parenting a newborn. If I have a C-section, I may need longer." I'd say it would be totally reasonable to ask for a week or two "off" of playing chauffeur.

I do think it's totally reasonable for you to not want a house full of guests when you come home from the hosptial. If it were my DH, I'd give him two options. One, the ILs wait a week or two and then come and stay with you. Two, they can come as soon as they like but they stay in a hotel and provide most of their own meals.

paulandmelissa · January 2015

You are being completely reasonable! This is a big change for your family and you have every right to want some space and quiet when you get back from the hospital. Is ask them to stay at a hotel if they insist on coming right away. That's what my parents are doing, this way they can go there when we need alone time, but are near if we need help. They should respect your need for your family to process these changes and for you to recover! If they don't, sounds like DH needs to have a nice long chat with them before baby comes!

Jparisi926 · January 2015

In full agreement that it is reasonable for you to want your partners parents and extended not to be underfoot in your home when bringing home baby.

However, i do not think it is reasonable nor appropriate to want his kids out of the house. If it's their schedules you are concerned about, I'm sure you can ask other parents to carpool them for a few days. People are very understanding when given the chance.

If your partners parents do come and stay in a hotel, perhaps they will be of help keeping the kids on schedule?

Please remember and be mindful that this little baby is also your partners baby. His family is equally entitled to visitation and excitement as long as you both communicate and set parameters for what that visitation looks like. His Children will be hurt and confused if they feel they are not a part of celebrating the new baby and being included as part of the family.

Try not to stress and just communicate with your partner. I'm sure you'll be able to figure out a plan that makes everyone comfortable and happy!

brittrenn · January 2015

Yea he's on his promotion course right now so they are only allowing him 4 days then once his course is over he will get 10, sucks but it's life. I'm not complaining about the military life, it is what it is and I'll make it work I was just having a bad day with no help and stressed out. It's hard doing everything on my own with just 2 kids adding a 3rd is going to be crazy sorry about my rants.

scgmama · January 2015

brittrenn said:
Yea he's on his promotion course right now so they are only allowing him 4 days then once his course is over he will get 10, sucks but it's life. I'm not complaining about the military life, it is what it is and I'll make it work I was just having a bad day with no help and stressed out. It's hard doing everything on my own with just 2 kids adding a 3rd is going to be crazy sorry about my rants.

Okay then that makes sense. Be aware that depending on his command they may screw him out of the 10 days of leave after. Not that it will happen but it's a possibility, it's what happened to my FI with his first son. Of course he was in between training schools at the time so it's not the same scenario as with your BF.

There will be good days and bad days, it's all a part of motherhood. Try not to stress about the future and just take things a day at a time.

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