How to tell Mom she can't come live with us when twins arrive?

chicory · January 2015

Something must have set off my mom last night, because she sent my younger brother and I a string of texts "calling us out" on the "shit she's not going to put up with anymore." All of it was directed at my brother except for one thing directed at me, and I'm still so angry about it. Could use your suggestions. The text from Mom read "and you seem to think you won't need help when the babies are born, YEAH RIGHT. " The comment, I'm sure, is based off a very brief conversation we had a few weeks ago, when Mom asked when she should put in for vacation so she could "come stay with us when the babies were born." I don't remember my exact response, though I'm sure it was colder than it needed to be and was something along the lines of a) I have no way of predicting when the twins will be born and b) no one is coming to live with us when the babies are born. That was about the extent of the discussion, until the text last night. Help! A little background - my first pregnancy, Mom's first grandbabies. She lives a little over an hour away. We get along well enough, but definitely have never had a super emotional relationship - we're not the mom and daughter to gush together about baby plans. I don't do that with anyone. I know she's super excited to be a grandma, and obviously we're over the moon to finally get to be parents, but I just don't get mushy about it. I've never been able to spend more than a night or two with Mom as an overnight guest, or to stay at her house. She (and other family, like MIL) just drive me batshit crazy after a short period, and we end up bickering or me silently fuming and venting to DH. I already feel like we're practically going to lose our minds trying to care for two infants. I KNOW it's going to be super hard and I'm not saying we won't need some sort of help. But...I can only imagine it being worse with a guest in the house. Our house is so tiny. We do have a hotel in our town, but Mom can't afford to stay in it, and we cant afford to put her up there, either. FWIW, DH is a teacher and will be home with me until at least the end of August (babies comiing in July, possibly June.) For those with similar relationships with family, how did you have this conversation or come up with a compromise? Last night I was so angry, I knew it was best to just reply that we needed to talk, but that I'd rather do it later in the week.

LAO12 · January 2015

chicory it is so nice to see you on so many boards!!! :)

Ok so I am in a similar boat. My mom and I don't have the most loving relationship. My MIL and I get along well but she isn't MY mom. My MIL hasn't offered much of any help once the twins come along but my mom and dad have already made comments about moving into the basement to help out for a few weeks. While I know we will NEEd the help, especially since DH won't be taking much time off in the beginning, I can not stand the idea of my mom moving in for a week. We have such different outlooks on how to keep a house and raise a family that I know we will clash all the time - not what I am looking forward to with two screaming newborns and lack of sleep! So here is what I have done. I have already asked both parents if they would be interested in helping out (early and for daycare). both said yes and are willing to commit to one day per week. I then offered a second day (back to back days) where the parents could spend the night and not have to drive the hour + one way. IL's said no, they just want the one day (early on and then for daycare) and my parents are undecided. I told them it would be set schedule as soon as I get home from the hospital so they can make their own plans and live their own lives. This way, I am still getting help 2-3 days per week but it is on my terms. Could you try something like that? I also have some other family in the area (aunts) which I am really close with that I know will want to stop by for a bit to help out early. With it being end June/early July, we have lots of family around that can pitch in for a day. So maybe try it that way. Say something to your mom on how you want to set up a schedule so everyone has equal time + you and DH have alone time with the babies. Then if you feel like you need an extra day, you can make that call and ask for that. And if not, then no worries.

dal2aus · January 2015

I'm going to offer my experience, which may give a different perspective. My mom and I have had a challenging relationship. Leading up to the birth, I was apprehensive about my mom coming to stay with us, but my husband and I knew that we would need the help, so I sucked it up. The first few weeks were a disaster. We argued a lot, and she wasn't as helpful as I hoped she would have been. We ended up having a huge blowout, but once we cleared the air, things were much better between us, and my husband and I even considered having her live with us permanently. Not happening, BTW.

The takeaway: If I had it to do again, I would have been more explicit upfront about exactly what I needed her to do, For instance, give her a list of what you need done: washing bottles, doing the cooking, watching the babies while you shower/sleep/pump, etc. rather than just a general "help me with the babies".

Before you completely shut the door on your mother coming, know that you will need help. You will be physically and emotionally recovering from the greatest physical trauma after 9 months of pregnancy. You will be sleep-deprived, starving, and perhaps trying to get breastfeeding established. You need someone to take care of you, so that you can take care of your babies. Newborn twins is like Defcon 5 -- this is no time for heroes, you need all hands on deck, ask your mother to help.

minirella · January 2015

My family is not a close one. I'm actually a little weird in that I cannot stand pads of any kind, so I do this crazy walk if I have to get up and walk. It is uncomfortable and embarrassing for me and I know it is pretty obvious. So I prefer no guests at all. My twins were born premature during cold and flu season so that helped us. I don't know your mom but if it were mine I would tell her that she can visit for the day but no overnight visitors. An hour is not that far away. My mom is deceased though and wasn't the type to just come and stay. She was living when i had my first. Reiterate that you have no idea how your pregnancy will turn out. I had an easy pregnancy up until the morning I started gushing blood and delivered the twins early at 31 weeks. No one expected that one. We haven't had help with ours but I had recovered by the time they were released from the NICU. Heck, the grands didn't even hold until a month after they came home cause they weren't sure of the boundaries and my husband does a crap job of relaying info to his parents. IMO you just have to stand your ground on what you want and don't let anyone change that or make you feel bad about your decision. Good luck!

Ducktapetherapy · January 2015

I am sorry, I understand that this is difficult. Boundaries are extremely important. My MIL stayed with us for almost 2 years. If you are unable to have a calm rational converstion, you could always use a mediator or a counselor to help you both communicate what you need to.

~Ducktapetherapy77

twinxmerlkr · January 2015

I have a similar family and it drives me nuts! I want to try and be a mother on my own first without help and then I'll let them know if I need help (I may never need help but if I do I want it on my terms). I would just assume if she can't pay for a hotel to stay in she doesn't need to come down until you need or want help and maybe have her stay for a few days with you. Hopefully she understands you want go do it yourselves first and see how it goes before everyone puts their own input into it

JBoundy · January 2015

Thanks for posting, I have a similar dilemma -- not particularly close with my mom and we can only stand 1-2 day visits and she has offered to come work in our city (she's 2-3 hours away) so that she "can be here". I've had to explain that she is more than welcome to come help, but extra people in the house won't be useful. Hard conversation, but worth having. She is still planning on coming for a week or two, but we will be having another conversation about what help I want/anticipate needing, and what I'm still going to want to do myself.

zazu13 · January 2015

Definitely hold your ground. If you aren't comfortable with her coming to stay then don't let her come. That said, I would have died and gone to heaven to have live in help (assuming they were actually helpful and didn't expect to be treated as a "guest") when my twins were newborns. It was round the clock nursing, pumping, feeding, changing and I was an absolute zombie. My husband was, too. If you think you can set clear expectations and boundaries I would say do not pass up the chance to have that kind of help! I have always had a good relationship with my mom, but becoming a mom myself and the help she gave me early on (though not live-in) has brought us closer together. I hope the same for you.

chicory · January 2015

@LAO12 it's great to see you too! If all goes well for both of us, we should be welcoming our twins around the same time! A sincere thanks to everyone for the replies. I need to hear them all. I'm giving Mom and myself a few more days to calm down/process, and I need to talk it over more with DH. Nothing about this is easy because there's just no way to know so soon when they'll be born, if I'll need a c-sect, and how things will go. I'm seriously taking all of your input to heart and hope that Mom and I can come up with a plan that makes us both happy.

ktibbits1 · January 2015

My input is that you will need help, don't underestimate the amount of help you will need. That's great your husband will be around but I discovered that one extra pair of hands often isn't enough with two babies! That being said, only you know the type of person your mom is. If you feel like she can't take direction and provide the type of help you need when you ask, it's not a help. I think it helps to set out your expectations (bottles, laundry, meals, etc) in advance. Also, she's probably more interested in holding her sweet grand babies than arguing with you and won't want to ruin getting that chance! Babies seem to bring out the best in people (other than the sleep deprived parents). I do agree though that an hour isn't that far of a drive so she doesn't necessarily need to stay with you if you aren't comfortable with that. Best of luck!

chickaboo1974 · January 2015

Eh A lot, A LOT, depends on how your kiddos are. Let me explain. My boys came home from the NICU at 17 days, on a eating every 4 hr schedule- I EPed. My boys came home at 7pm on a Monday and my husband was back to work at 6am on Tuesday. I had no extra help- except my husband when he came home from work. I am not a control freak and not a martyr. I had no real problems. My boys were extremely easy babies. Right from the beginning they would eat and be ok with being put back to bed. Nicholas did have reflux, and the RNP was a lifesaver for that. But I was able to set a routine that was easy for one person to do, they knew what the routine was, and I slept when they slept during the day if I needed to. My husband was able to follow this routine when I decided that I needed to get out by myself so the boys were calm and no one was stressed.

You don't hear a lot of twin stories where everything was not a nightmare or "survival mode" because well, no one likes to be a bragger when others are struggling. I believe that my boys were so calm and use to a schedule because of the NICU.

So my opinion is that if you don't want your mom to stay - especially since your husband will be home for summer break- then just say " I appreciate your excitement and your offer of help, but I think DH and I want to try to get our routine going right away so I don't think we would need overnight help. However, We would love to have you come for the day if you want, I think it would be nice for us to get a break every once in a while."

sarah_beth2005 · January 2015

Here's my two cents: our twins came early (34w2d) and spent several week in the NICU, so it was impossible to give my parents (who live 3 states away) advance notice so that they could plan a trip in advance. Because they aren't local, our issues were more about how long they would stay when they did visit (not setting everyday ground rules). My mom and I don't get along well after several days in the same house - we butt heads too much, but she has been a lifesaver when we've needed extended help (like when both babies got RSV at Thanksgiving and weren't allowed a daycare the entire next week - we were able to fly my mom down to care for them so that we could work). My MIL lives just 35 minutes away and likes to help out occasionally, but she's over 70 years old and wasn't able or interested in being overnight help. So, whenever my mom was here during those early months, she would take a night or two where she's in charge of the babies, so that DH and I could sleep uninterrupted. This was a GODSEND! Even if you don't want your mom to stay with you once the babies arrive, consider having her do overnight duty once a week -this would be a great way for her to help, and for you to get some rest (which is hard those first few months). Good luck!

BabyKsMommy · January 2015

Like chickaboo I think it depends on your situation. My twins were in the NICU the first month. I had a lot of time to recover from my c section and get plenty of rest. I got to sleep 8+ hrs for a month before they came home. After they came home DH was home for 6wks then when he went back to work it was 2days a week for 2 weeks.

We were fine it being just the two of us. We each took a twin and were responsible for that twin. We also have a 3yr DS who we split the care of. At this time I was EPing so I pumped while bottle feeding dd. I used what I was pumping for the next feeding. I now am EBFing and am alone with all 3 kids daily. Some days are tough but being a mommy isn't easy.

We ate a lot of take out but we all survived and while it's challenging, it's doable.

spoonleg · January 2015

My twins are only a month old, but my husband and I have no help and we seem to be managing just fine. I even had a double whammy delivery- baby A was delivered vaginally with no epidural, and 2.5 hours later, baby B was born via c-section.

We have no family that lives nearby, but even if we did, I think I would prefer our current situation to having my mother live with us. I could NOT deal with an extra person in my house right now. The first ten days were terrible. Really terrible. But we did it, and I'd do it again the same way if I had to.

Eating, drinking water, and just a little sleep helped me tremendously, both emotionally and with breast feeding. Even one hour of sleep makes such a big difference. Once I found a way to get about 3-4 hours of sleep per night (in one hour increments), I felt so much better. Good luck!

Mama-Bear · January 2015

I haven't read all of the replies, but I had "no" help caring for DS1 (who was 27m at the time) and NB twins. I survived and so will you. DH was off for a week and then it was on me while he was working. My mom or MIL would come over for a couple of hours here or there to visit, but not really to help. Help might be a perk for some, but definitely not necessary and definitely not if the person stresses you out.

Mrs.McIrish · January 2015

I'll chime in for positive stories as well. My mom was with me for 10 days but that was my choice-- we get along great and I wanted her here. So different situation. But once she left, I was on my own. DH works like 70 hrs/wk and is gone a lot of overnights. No help here. We are doing just fine. My girls are 2 mos today. They are pretty easy babies. I'm also bottle feeding which is easier. I did have a c/s and horrible swelling after birth but I still did overnight feedings. My mom was here for housework, laundry etc. I needed to learn how to care for the babies. Anyway, my babies are good sleepers. Not all twins are super difficult requiring a village to care for them. Great if you want help and it's available but not "required". Good luck.

chicory · January 2015

Thanks, ladies. I've been turning this over in my mind all week and finally called Mom today. The topic was obvisouly the "elephant" eavesdropping on the line, but we finally aired it out and were able to have a good talk about it. I apologized to Mom and explained how I've realized a lot of my apprehension about talking about and planing for this kind of stuff comes from some lingering fears of "what-if" post infertility. We agreed right now it's really impossible to predict when the twins will arrive, if I'll need a c-sect, and if they will need NICU time. I still don't want her (or anyone) to come spend multiple nights in a row, except for maybe if I have a c-secttion, and she seems OK with that. She's going to schedule her vacation as she chooses and thankfully in any case, her work situation is really flexible so she can still come a day or two at a time, regardless of when her vacation falls. I think we're both happy. She seems comfortable with us probably not wanting a live-in helper for weeks at a time, and I'm more open to asking for the kind of help I need and the reality that if the c-section happens, I might need to take that live-in help for a little while. I really appreciate all of the viewpoints!

Odebdo · January 2015

Glad you talked and all seems ok. I am chiming in with another person having had no help with the babies except my husband who was off 3 weeks on paternity leave when our son was released from the NICU. We had 19 and 26 days of NICU, and I did have a c-section. I admit had they been full term and come straight home, I might have caved on the help. But I had time to heal while they were in the NICU and when they came home....we were ready to be parents and settle into life with twins. They had a 3 hour feeding schedule and I pumped and it worked just fine and we learned how to give each other some sanity time out of the house. Don't over think things as you don't know how it will play out!

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