TTC after 35
Nikolie93
member
Final decision made regarding my TTC journey...and my thanks to all of you *sensitive CFNBC topic*
Nikolie93
member
in TTC after 35
Hey ladies, this is an XP from the TTCAL board. It's long...very, very long.
I hesitated posting this because I don't want to take anything away from the wonderful BFP's everyone has been getting lately. I am so, SO very happy for all of you 
I understand if you don't continue reading, I know it's a sensitive topic, especially in TTC 35+
I understand if you don't continue reading, I know it's a sensitive topic, especially in TTC 35+ **sensitive childless not by choice topic/losses briefly mentioned**
Hey ladies, I am not sure if it needs a warning but so many of you are still on your TTC journey and I understand how the topic can be a sensitive one.
After my mini break down on Saturday MH looked at me yesterday and said "I wish you would talk to me". So I did. I laid it all out to him. The decision to throw in the towel is such a hard one and it's hard to talk about with your partner because you don't want your words to sway that person one way or another. You want to know exactly how they feel and what THEY want. After our talk I realized that him and I are definitely on the same page. I didn't realize how much this was impacting me until I talked to my mom yesterday afterwards and she said that I sound the best she has heard me sound in a long time. A weight has been lifted...and I know MH and I are going to be ok.
We both decided yesterday that we are done trying. With that came the decision to cancel my upcoming RE appointment on Wed. This is not a decision I take lightly and it's not a spontaneous one. I have been thinking long and hard for a while now. Some may not understand my decision to not see an RE but if we have made our choice I see no reason to start all of the testing. Not only because I hate to use insurance unnecessarily, but because I don't think it would be beneficial to get the results. MH and I feel comfortable with our decision and I find no reason to find out if the three MC's we've had is my fault, his fault, or just plain shitty luck.
There are two things I don't want here, (1) sympathy (we all know how we feel about that!), and (2) I don't want anyone reading this to let it impact their journey or to lose hope. I do realize there is most likely other options we could have done, or they could have found a root cause that medicine could have fixed but this is a decision that is right for us. I really questioned sharing this decision but you have all been so wonderful to me, I couldn't imagine just slinking off into the night.
After my mini break down on Saturday MH looked at me yesterday and said "I wish you would talk to me". So I did. I laid it all out to him. The decision to throw in the towel is such a hard one and it's hard to talk about with your partner because you don't want your words to sway that person one way or another. You want to know exactly how they feel and what THEY want. After our talk I realized that him and I are definitely on the same page. I didn't realize how much this was impacting me until I talked to my mom yesterday afterwards and she said that I sound the best she has heard me sound in a long time. A weight has been lifted...and I know MH and I are going to be ok.
We both decided yesterday that we are done trying. With that came the decision to cancel my upcoming RE appointment on Wed. This is not a decision I take lightly and it's not a spontaneous one. I have been thinking long and hard for a while now. Some may not understand my decision to not see an RE but if we have made our choice I see no reason to start all of the testing. Not only because I hate to use insurance unnecessarily, but because I don't think it would be beneficial to get the results. MH and I feel comfortable with our decision and I find no reason to find out if the three MC's we've had is my fault, his fault, or just plain shitty luck.
There are two things I don't want here, (1) sympathy (we all know how we feel about that!), and (2) I don't want anyone reading this to let it impact their journey or to lose hope. I do realize there is most likely other options we could have done, or they could have found a root cause that medicine could have fixed but this is a decision that is right for us. I really questioned sharing this decision but you have all been so wonderful to me, I couldn't imagine just slinking off into the night.
With that said, thank you, thank you, thank you..from the bottom of my heart. I haven't been here long but as you all know the TTC journey can feel like it's much longer than it is. I think that's why I feel as if I have been here for so much longer. Even before I started posting and I was a dirty lurker, you helped me. Your experiences, your stories, everything. I honestly don't think I would feel as comfortable with this decision as I do right now if I had not been a part of this board. I wish I could tag everyone personally but I would be here all day and I would probably miss someone. So, if you are reading this, my thanks goes to you.
I am sure I will have some bad days, I am sure there will be days that are littered with "what if's", but I can't let that scare me into not living my life and getting closure. With that said, I sure hope I am still welcome here. I will be honest, I may not be around on the bad days but I still want to be here, cheering you ladies on. Also, I am open to anyone PM'ing me if you want to discuss CFNBC.
What is next for us? Well, I want to spend some of the money I have been hoarding so the first thing will probably be a trip. Maybe Ireland, Germany? Not sure yet but I am excited! We are also going to start planning to work on our bucket item list where we go to every hockey arena in the US. That is something that may take a few hockey seasons but it's a goal and one we will accomplish 
So sorry so long! Here is a short version:
1. MH and I made the decision to be CFNBC...and we have found peace with that.
2. Thank you's ALL over the place for all you wonderful ladies :x
3. MH and I have to decide what our next big trip will be 
4. I hope that I am still welcome here and I want you to know I will be your best cheerleader as you continue your journey's
5. And I want to add one more time how awesome all of you are!
I am not sure how to say this without getting a "solicitation" warning so I guess I just say that I am not longer active on THIS site.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Final decision made regarding my TTC journey...and my thanks to all of you *sensitive CFNBC topic*
As for the trip, I have always wanted to go there too! It will probably make our short list.
@agpjt413 thank you, honey! :x
Be a dirty lurker and keep us informed of your new adventures.
Sending you hugs
Me:39, DH:40
DD born 8/96, DS born 8/04
TTC#3
NTNP since 2006, active trying 1/13
Natural M/C 3/13 at 7 weeks
CP 2/14
All welcome
Good luck to you and have a wonderful time planning your trip!
Me(38)PCOS/Hypothyroid DH(43)Low T/ED
MMC at 10 weeks 03/2011 DD born 01/2012 TTC #2 since 04/2014
BFP 8/26/2016
I hope that you will sick around, this board wouldn't be the same without you!
My Ovulation Chart
"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness." - Eleanor Roosevelt
I'm not sure I could just quit you ladies so I hope to stick around for now
Me 36 DH 39
BFP 11/28/14 ~ MMC 12/29/14
TTCAL Siggy Challenge
Thanks @dream2be3 and @wannabmama23!
My Ovulation Chart
My Babies
After that conversation, I logged on to TB, and read your post. I could just feel how at peace you are, and I know that if my husband and I need to make a similar decision we could be at peace with it too. Like you said, sometimes it'll sting a little (honestly it's usually at holidays like Christmas that I have the most difficult time...), but overall, I know we'd shape our lives without kids, and find meaning and fulfillment in other ways.
Thank you so much for sharing your decision with all of us. I'm glad you're sticking around for a while!
TTC #1 Since May 2014
I am here if you ever want to talk through things and get a perspective from someone who has already made the decision. I am just a PM away
@flyliceandcoffee I am planning on sticking around for a while as much as I can since you ladies are so open to me staying
BFP- 10-16-14 EDD 6/13/15: MC 12-1-14
i'm very grateful for your notes, they have helped me. sounds like you and YH (like many of us here) encountered a very tough challenge managed to not only survive intact but bring you closer. For that i congratulate you both! it is not easy, and a very important lesson for me. a very sage girlfriend recommended i stop putting my life on hold and use this as a time to enjoy things like travel because you never know what the future will or will not bring for any of us. i think it is very good advice. hope to see you around.
@ladydc78, your girlfriend is SO right. I was always afraid to plan anything because "what if I'm pregnant?" "What if it's during my fertile window?" I finally stopped putting my life on hold and I feel so much better. I refuse to let my fertility (or lack thereof) completely control my life!
TTC #1 Since May 2014
BFP Nov 2015, PPROM Feb 2016
ER #1 May 2017, 15 retrieved, 10 fertilized, 3 day 5.
ER#2 July 2017, 22 retrieved, 13 fertilized, 6 day 5/6
9 embryos tested for pgs and pgd.
FET #1 9.29.17- 1 embryo-BFN
FET#2 12.19.17- I embryo-BFP 1/1/18! Happy New Year to me! EDD 9/6/18
Baby boy born 9.11.18- the love of my life!