do you think its selfish.

Harperdawn · January 2015

My fiance wants me to have a vbac which the closest one is 5 hours away so id have to stay with family the last month or so. I was all for it until we were sent to a university hospital to have the heart of the baby checked more in depth. The four chambers were very hard to find and I was born with a hole in my heart, so im very worried about any little thing that could fo wrong with his heart. Fiance is mad calling me selfish because I want to do another c section for the safety of the baby. Any opinions?

Emilywooddesign · January 2015

I think your fiancé is the one being very, very selfish to be honest.

staciecoffey · January 2015

What does your OB recommend? And if you feel more comfortable with a C/S than do what's going to be easiest on you. Men don't go through childbirth and have no idea the toll it takes on our bodies. Just explain to your FI the reasoning and sit down with your OB and all three discuss it. Maybe that will help him see where you are coming from.

Harperdawn · January 2015

No we never discussed it with our doctor we have now since we are temporarily going to him since were supposed to be movinf in april. But just the thought of putting the extra risk when I really dont need to makes me upset that hes callinf me selfish. If anything id say im giving up what I originally wanted for the baby.

wegrowsheep · January 2015

Sounds like fiance needs to hear your OB's perspective, from your OB. Perhaps a nice discussion about what you have to gain from having a CS (peace of mind, closer to home, care for LO's heart if warranted) vs a VBAC (nothing comes to mind, unless it goes perfectly smooth and LO is perfectly healthy...but then there's that 5 hr drive home post partum...).
Or just tell him no.

Harperdawn · January 2015

Thats how I feel. And my parents cant go to salt lake where I would have the baby if I chose v bac and theyre keeping my daughter while I have the baby so I want to be close tohome so family can come and help and iI just im scared of the risk of a vbac too. Im just comfortable with another c section either way but its going to be an on going fight if I choose c section.

KimberlyandThor2014 · January 2015

Harperdawn said:

No we never discussed it with our doctor we have now since we are temporarily going to him since were supposed to be movinf in april. But just the thought of putting the extra risk when I really dont need to makes me upset that hes callinf me selfish. If anything id say im giving up what I originally wanted for the baby.

Here is your answer right here, honey! Do what you feel is the right thing for the baby and your body. I agree with PP that you may want to have Dad chat with OB. VBACs have their inherent risks already, and thoug for some it is worth it, in some situations it's not worth the risk. Only you and your Dr. Can decide which is true for you. Dad may be very loving and involved, but at the end of the day it is still YOUR body. Good luck and I hope if all works out well for you!

thelittlestbee · January 2015

Emilywooddesign said:

I think your fiancé is the one being very, very selfish to be honest.

This. You need to take your FI with you to talk to the doctor. Your decision should be based on what is best for you and the baby, not your FI's personal preferences.

mathistm · January 2015

You need to do what is medically safest for you and baby. I think FI is being a little crunchy about this. What is his reasoning for wanting you to get a VBAC anyway?

Harperdawn · January 2015

He wants a vbac because he wants more kids(we have one already) and I had told him if I had to have another c section I might want to be done because its a lot on the body. So he thinks if I do a vbac ill want more kids but he doesnt help with the baby we already have so I have more reasonings to why I kind of want to be done after this one than just the c section. I just used the c section as a bigger excuse so I didnt have to come out and say "I dont want more because youre lazy and never help with the one we already have and wont with this next baby either, so why would I want more"

AmyCee · January 2015

Has nothing to do with being selfish - it's down-right dangerous! But it sounds like there are many more issues in your relationship. He seems very controlling - dangerously controlling. Please be careful and get help if you need it.

thelittlestbee · January 2015

Harperdawn said:

He wants a vbac because he wants more kids(we have one already) and I had told him if I had to have another c section I might want to be done because its a lot on the body. So he thinks if I do a vbac ill want more kids but he doesnt help with the baby we already have so I have more reasonings to why I kind of want to be done after this one than just the c section. I just used the c section as a bigger excuse so I didnt have to come out and say "I dont want more because youre lazy and never help with the one we already have and wont with this next baby either, so why would I want more"

Honestly, this sounds like a major communication issue. You guys really need to get on the same page before you get married and/or keep having kids.

VintageVixenMommy · January 2015

Anyone suggesting this for MY BODY if I wasn't 100% comfortable would not be my FI anymore. He sounds like a gem.

girlymama79 · January 2015

I think you need to think long and hard about marring this man. He doesn't sound like husband material to me.

nicolec3 · January 2015

thelittlestbee said:

Harperdawn said:

He wants a vbac because he wants more kids(we have one already) and I had told him if I had to have another c section I might want to be done because its a lot on the body. So he thinks if I do a vbac ill want more kids but he doesnt help with the baby we already have so I have more reasonings to why I kind of want to be done after this one than just the c section. I just used the c section as a bigger excuse so I didnt have to come out and say "I dont want more because youre lazy and never help with the one we already have and wont with this next baby either, so why would I want more"

Honestly, this sounds like a major communication issue. You guys really need to get on the same page before you get married and/or keep having kids.
*quote fail*
This

Harperdawn · January 2015

Yeah many people have said that. Were on the verge of just goinf our own ways. I am tired of his attitude towards everything. And hes really controlling. Ive left multiple times Ijust keep ttrying to make it work dor our daughter because she adores him

Emilywooddesign · January 2015

I wish you the best! I'm sorry your fiancé sounds like a twat. Hopefully you can do what's best for you and your family.

Harperdawn · January 2015

Absolutely not. Id be very dissapointed if she did.

thelittlestbee · January 2015

pickles26 said:

Harperdawn said:

Yeah many people have said that. Were on the verge of just goinf our own ways. I am tired of his attitude towards everything. And hes really controlling. Ive left multiple times Ijust keep ttrying to make it work dor our daughter because she adores him

If you are as unhappy as you sound, keep in mind that this is the example that you are setting for your daughter. This is what she is learning from you: stay with a man that treats you like crap even if you are unhappy. Do you want her to marry someone that treats her the way that her father treats you?

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this OP, but @pickles26 is right. Little girls learn a lot about relationships based on what they see at home. Obviously no one here really knows your life or can make this decision for you, but you're not doing your kids any favors by sticking around. However, I do understand wanting to make things work with your FI. Have you considered couples counseling?

Harperdawn · January 2015

No not really. Idk if hed even give it a try at all

mathistm · January 2015

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, girl! Please know that you have others around you to support you and for you to bounce your thoughts off of! We all know sometimes we can't think clearly with all that is going on, but it sounds like you definitely don't deserve to be going through what you are!

taisree · January 2015

And he thinks YOU are being selfish? Ridiculous. He is selfish. He wants the vbac for his own selfish reasons.

What nerve. Agree with PP, all that matters is the safety of your baby. Good luck with your fiancé, sounds like he is very unsupportive.

ombradellarosa · January 2015

@harperdawn I would suggest counselling first of all, but do not stay with a man because you think it will make it easier on your daughter. I have seen a lot of posts in this vein and the overwhelming consensus is that it's better for the kids not to live with parents who hate each other or don't want to be together. You not marrying him does not mean she can't have him in her life. It's good that she adores her father. Nonetheless, she can still spend time with him even if you decide that marrying him is not the right decision. Please do what is best for you AND your children.

kelseygaona · January 2015

I would tell him that he is the one being selfish! There are far more doctors who won't even consider a vbac simply because of all the risks and complications. I would say "what is more important having a healthy child and your children having a healthy mother or the possibility of having more kids that you doesn't take care of?" Ugh I am sorry you are going through this but you know what is best!

bruunk · January 2015

I'm sorry you're going through this! I think PPs nailed it - take care of you and your babies first. If FI will do it, couples counseling would be really helpful, if he won't go, consider it for yourself. Sometimes it helps to have someone to talk to who isn't involved but has your back, if that makes sense.

sharice111 · January 2015

Back to your original question... If you truly live 5 hours from Salt Lake City and there is even a remote possiblity your baby will need heart surgery I would highly suggest delivering in Salt Lake City anyway. If the baby needs heart surgery they will transport baby to primary children's from anywhere 5 hours away from Salt Lake City so you could end up there anyway with a hefty medical bill and from personal experience primary children's is amazing and deals with those problems. So if the doctors give you 100% ok on baby's heart I say deliver wherever you and you fiancé discuss would be your best option together. But if there is even a possibility of a problem I personally would go where the best care for baby is and in Utah it's salt lake. As for the fiancé it looks like you two need to talk. And you should tell him how you feel or he will never know... Counseling might be best for your situation if you can talk him to going. I'd start by asking him to come to an OB appointment and discussing delivery options with your doctor giving you all the risks and benefits. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Good luck!

OokamiNoHime · January 2015

Harperdawn said:
My fiance wants me to have a vbac

I understand, trying to respect your future husband's wishes... But.. Until he is the one giving birth, I think he should keep his mouth shut on how you choose to birth your child. It's your body, and he should respect that.

Sorry, just a little hormonal/passionate today. I don't think it's selfish of you at all.

mamayo26 · January 2015

thelittlestbee said:

Emilywooddesign said:

I think your fiancé is the one being very, very selfish to be honest.

This. You need to take your FI with you to talk to the doctor. Your decision should be based on what is best for you and the baby, not your FI's personal preferences.

yeah. this. He has no idea. Your OB should be able to shed some light on the situation fo rhim...although if it was me and my DGH, I would tell him F#&* off. If he wasn't a VBAC so bad he can have the next two kids and do it that way. Just My opinion.

Want a personalized experience?

do you think its selfish.

Re: do you think its selfish.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards