Am I really being unreasonable?

dfleclerc · January 2015

Hi Ladies I am new to August 2015 group I am due August 25th with my second child. I wanted to get other womens opinions on something. My husband has had friends over all but one weekend for the past 6 weeks. This normally wouldn't bother me but they stay from Friday night until Sunday and drink heavily/go out to bars. My husband says he needs guy time because after the second baby comes he won't be able to do that. I just want to spend more time as a family and not have my husband be hungover all weekend. To make matters worse he works out of town Monday through Friday. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or he just needs to grow up. Sorry for the rant and I appreciate all feedback.

julie1445 · January 2015

Im going through the same, id like to say yes its unreasonable and no at the same time. He does need to spend more family time but still needs his friend time. Talk to him and try and work something out like every other weekend or limit it to one night of friends over a week not all weekend. Im sure if your understanding he wants this time and accomodating then he'll be accomodating to your request, just try not to cry or yell lol thats where i lose, i get too upset too quick

dfleclerc · January 2015

It hasn't bothered me until now I had a fun water park day planned tomorrow and he never told me his buddies were coming for the weekend until tonight. I lost it too, mostly because of being bummed to not have a family weekend when we barely see him.

CountingMyBlessings · January 2015

My DH is known to be the biggest- I guess partier of all the DH's in my group of friends. It doesn't bother me if he wants a guys night or a golf trip for a few hours on the weekend. Whatever. I like my space too but that to me seems excessive. It's your relationship so it's whatever your boundaries are which it sounds like have been pushed. Your feelings are valid. Good luck!

kamarks08 · January 2015

You just need to talk to him.

There's always more to a story.

H was scheduling a ton of shit for us to do on the weekends with friends, and it was too much for me. I said something and we came to a mutual agreement.

This is really something you need to discuss with him.

dfleclerc · January 2015

I have tried discussing this and he takes offense as if I don't want him to have friends. I guess I'm maybe more wondering if this is normal, do others husbands do this? Most of my friends husbands don't but my husbands buddies are mostly single guys.

CountingMyBlessings · January 2015

Okay I get it. Y'all are the first couple in his group to have kids. Yes, I think what you are experiencing is 100% normal. I've had girlfriends go through this with their husbands and I myself to some extent. A friend told me once that my DH would get it eventually but it might take a little longer. She was right. I started communicating my ideas of what I wanted to do on our weekends earlier than normal so that my DH new what my expectations were and he began to do the same. We found our stride eventually. My DH is very social so I tried planning out events where my girlfriends and their DHs would want to go. Like a crawfish at my house or group trip to the zoo with the kids. Do you have a girlfriend with kids and a DH that you could couple up with sometimes? Again, good luck!

Heavenwhip · January 2015

I don't know if really have any sound advice either but I can relate. My hubs also works out of town and for awhile there he was always stopping at friends/family on the way home, but he'd get home late at night and I'd already be in bed sleeping. I felt a little cheated out of time with him and I also felt like 'hey, aren't you even a little excited to see us after you've been gone for 10 days" I just talked to him about it. His point of view was that they were on the way home anyways and so instead of interrupting things with us mid-days off he stopped into see them and then he had the rest of the weekend with us. In the end we compromised with every other days off he would visit them and then next days off WE would go visit. It works well for us, but I definitely think you will have to approach him on it and come up with something that works for both of you.

Yenisbabytwo · January 2015

It's totally up to you since he is your husband. All I know is that with me, this shit doesn't fly.

My husband is married so needs to behave as such. Husbands and single friends don't mix, I think. They choose one but can't be both. So it depends on you both.

My dad... Party party party. Still to this day. No stripper places or bars. Drink at home or go to buddys home. My mom accepted it. My sis and I would get woken up every weekend, 1 -3am with loud music. Now, I listen to that music and remember my father's partying. There was a dark time he would become violent but I think he hit rock bottom someday so he stopped. Now as an adult I understand. He's a party person. It's him, not a phase, not an excuse to de stress from the wife and kids, not because he is convinced by his friends... He just loves to party, till the day he dies.

GirlOnTheBeach · January 2015

If he was always like this, it may be just who he is as a person. If that's the case, you knew this going in to it and try not to be surprised if he doesn't want to change or is hesitant to compromise.

If this behavior is new or not how he's always been, then I think you have deeper issues at play and maybe need to work together to figure out the root of the problem.

Personally, I feel kind of bad for the kids in this situation. It will be tough on them, as they get older, to have their dad away Monday-Friday, then on the weekend, their ONLY time with him, they have to play second fiddle to his drinking buddies instead of just hanging out as a family unit. :-(

divinemsbee · January 2015

I mean, no, that would not and never fly with me. Not even when I'm not pregnant and we have no kids. No. I can't imagine my H wanting to have a weekend slumber party (it sounded from the OP like they stay with you guys, which is a double no) with his friends every weekend. Absolutely not. Unacceptable. And, get drunk every weekend, absolutely not.

However, that's how we roll. H wouldn't even ask to do that because he knows I'd look at him like he'd grown 3 heads. That doesn't mean he never goes out without me or doesn't see his friends, married and single, but it's just not how we live our life. I can't imagine being in that situation and already having a kid.

I third, or so, the recommendation for counseling. It sounds like you guys need to work this out. If he bristles at even the suggestion that he even spend less time with his friends, then there's something else there.

queenb+ · January 2015

Hell no. My husband has plenty of free time during the week/weekend to go out with friends or even just play video games and just veg out - but it needs to balance out with time he spends with the family (me and our 2 dogs

) as well as stuff that needs to be done around the house. Working out of town all week and partying all weekend would not be acceptable (whether I was pregnant or not) - especially if it's almost every weekend.

Also, I think sleepovers are weird at this age. I get it if someone is visiting from out of town or you find yourself in a situation where someone drank too much and can't drive (although we're also old enough to pay for a cab or make arrangements ahead of time) - but his friends should probably just go home.

Sorry you're dealing with this. I'm annoyed just reading your post.

leighalou91 · January 2015

To be honest, it is hard to give advice on something like this because your relationship with your husband is going to be different than anyone else's. For example, that type of thing would never happen in our home. Maybe if it was a one time thing when all my husband's college friends are visiting from out of state... But absolutely never an every-weekend-type-thing. So no, I don't think you're being unreasonable. But it definitely sounds like you guys would benefit from counseling.

KMBC2552 · January 2015

That would not fly in my house. Grown men with kids don't need to be having drinking slumber parties every weekend. Sorry you are dealing with this.

Lois172000 · January 2015

Once in awhile sure. This sounds beyond exessive. I guess if they are all crashing at your house you at least know where your husband is?

Wouldn't fly with me at all. A deep thought out conversation needs to happen.

numb3rMel · January 2015

Yenisbabytwo said:

My husband is married so needs to behave as such. Husbands and single friends don't mix, I think. They choose one but can't be both. So it depends on you both.

Martial status is a criteria for friendship?

OP - I'd talk to him as other suggested. Lay out some ground rules that you both can compromise on. It doesn't sound like you mind YH hanging out with friends, you just want more family life balance. Totally reasonable.

MrsDucan · January 2015

Hell no! Tell him to keep his ass home and be there for his woman & family. There are more important things in life now than getting shit faced!!! Stand your ground girlfriend! ♡ :x Do not feel selfish, we give up our bodies, time, energy, but that's what being a mother is about and we accept it. There's nothing wrong with having a few drinks with some friends once in a while hut every weekend? cmon, relax with your family watch a movie, take em out golfing. All that money and time spent on drinking can be invested into you and your first child. You know your first child is going to have a huge adjustment to, it's what needs to be done as a family. Make some times with your first little one now because once that 2nd baby gets here you guys will NEVER have another opportunity. Goodluck ♡ Talk to him!!!

Starynightsky24 · January 2015

I would NEVER be okay with this. Because

1. Working out of town all week and parties all weekend means NO family time. Putting your buddies above your wife and child is NOT acceptable. Not in any way.

It's not good for any marriage to get ignored. If his friends don't understand this it sounds like maybe he needs to evaluate his relationships with them.

2. He is setting a TERRIBLE example for your child. Responsible parents don't party all weekend in front of their children and then spend no time with their families.

Obviously there is more to this story. And like PPs have said I agree counseling maybe helpful.

cleblanc18 · January 2015

I'm sorry but it sounds like he's not making y'all a priority (kind of) from what you're saying. I would have a serious talk with him. I would just ask him why he feels the need to do that every weekend especially since he's working through the week the weekend should be spent spending good quality time with y'all. It looks like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

cleblanc18 · January 2015

And his excuse of "I won't get guy time" is b.s. it's not like he will fall off the face of the earth and never see his friends again once the baby is born.

zokorro · January 2015

No one needs to party and drink the whole weekend, every weekend. No one. This is disrespectful to you and your child.

ann_jeremiah · January 2015

Talk with him about needing a balance. You each should still be able to have your individual time and family time.

falkner2 · January 2015

You need to sit and have a conversation with him. And stay calm (which if you are an emotional wreck like me these days is a hard task!) let him know how you feel. Nothing is more important than your relationship with your spouse during such a big change in your life. That being said I'm going to go spend time with my family

good luck with this!

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