Maternity Leave / Decision to Stay at Home

sunset30 · January 2015

Sorry for another post on maternity leave, I have a bit of a different question.

I am a FTM and leaning towards staying at home. I've done a lot of thinking and reading about the decision. One thing that sticks out at me is so many moms say you can't understand what it is like being home with a baby until you do it. I have been a career oriented "work-a-holic" so staying at home will be a big change. Nonetheless, I really do think that I want to stay home with my baby and am willing to make the career sacrifice because I think it will be rewarding to be with him and I really think I'll have a hard time leaving him with someone else to take care of (I also have the unfortunate personality trait of being particular about how things are done and feel like with important tasks I like to do them myself to make sure they're done how I want them!).

This being said, I am hesitant to make the final decision until I've had the chance to actually stay at home for a while. I just haven't spent hardly any time with babies before so don't have a great sense on what it will be like. I know and agree with the argument that its not fair to working moms to use your maternity leave benefits and quit right after. I also don't want to burn any bridges as I'll likely go back to work in the future. However, I also don't want to abandon a good job on the chance that staying at home is totally not for me once I try it. I'm probably about 80% leaning towards staying at home and 20% towards going back to work.

Anyone else deal with a similar situation / have any tips? Thanks!

Bluebell0315 · January 2015

I stayed home with DD the first year, and when I was ready to go back to work I called my old boss and she welcomed me back with open arms

I'm hoping I can do that again, but if not, I'll be going back around 12 weeks. I don't really have any advice, but good luck with decision making. I know it's hard!

Lovebeingamomny · January 2015

No experience, but I think that a lot of moms probably go on mat leave fully intending to go back and then decide not to. So I wouldn't see it as bad for working mom reputation to take the leave and then decide. Because how will you know? I think it's perfectly reasonable and legit to use that time to make your ultimate decision. Like I said I'm sure a ton of moms take leave and had 100% planned on returning and then realize they just can't go back. I hope that comes off the right way! I have a friend that used mat leave, went back, realized she hated it, and ended up finding a different job that let her be home a lot more, so she changed jobs. There are countless options. I honestly would love to stay home but there's no way we could swing it. Although daycare will cost us about $1200 per month!! We should probably do a spread sheet and see what the numbers would be.

Good luck!

sunset30 · January 2015

Darbie914 said:

So my real question to you is this: if you are already leaning towards staying home and quitting your job, will you be giving them notice prior to your leave? Or just calling up one day and saying you wont be back? I'm all for trying it out first to see if it fits but there are several things at play here. First, check with HR to see if your coverage is dependent on you return to work. Some companies require you to come back to work for a certain period of time. If this is not done, you could be required to pay back some or all of the benefits you received while on leave. Second, I'm not a fan of not giving notice. It puts those that have relied upon you in a bad spot and could be a huge bridge you are burning if you decide to return to work one day. You have to make sure that this is decision that, when made, all parties should know about with enough time to find coverage. I know its ultimately not your responsibility but its better than potentially putting yourself in a bad spot later. I'm not saying you are planning on doing this but it does irritate me to hear when women go on maternity leave with no plans to return. Many companies don't provide leave benefits in the first place so if yours does, it sets a bad precedent for other women you work with who may have families in the future. Although I do agree maternity leave is a joke in this country as it is. Also, remember that maternity is leave isn't something you are entitled to. It's an added benefit to you and its called 'leave' because it's assumed you will be back. It's not to be looked at as a severance package.

Your first question is what I am struggling with. I really don't want to put in notice before I leave because there is a very real possibility that I will want to go back to work. I think its more likely than not I want to stay home; however, I have no idea what its like to stay home and take care of an infant and after a few weeks I may hate it.

I have no intention of screwing over my employer, though at the same time I do want to protect myself. I believe in acting with professionalism. If I do decide to leave I am fine going back for a short transition period just as you'd give notice if leaving to go to another job if that is what my boss and I agree on. Alternatively, its not the end of the world to pay for additional premiums for 2 months or pay back the comp i received.

My goal is to do what is best for me and my family, and that may mean staying home and it may mean going back to work. But having no prior experience being a mom, I just don't feel I'll be able to make until I actually am a mom for a little while.

lisap0924 · January 2015

I am struggling with this too. The decision has been made for me to stay home. After paying daycare there wont be much left of my paycheck, so it is just silly...Plus I am a bit of a control freak and I cant imagine being OK with handing off my baby at 8 weeks old. no way no how.

I have been advised by several colleges to put in my "notice" while I am on leave. Do you think that is a bad idea @Darbie914. I don't want to burn my bridges with my employer, but I also don't want to get screwed over this next 8 weeks (or so)

My plan is to take a leave of absence for a year (if they will allow me) and then come back to work, if I'm ready and willing.

Im feeling anxious about leaving my job. I have had a job since I was 14 years old. In my single days I was always an "independent woman"-no man would ever take care of me. Ill have my own job and pay my own bills. funny how things change when you find REAL love

It still blows my mind how everything changes the second you find out you are pregnant. The pee wasn't even dried on the stick and everything changed LOL.

JennyP0222 · January 2015

I am one of those moms who fully intended to return to work and then my heart told me otherwise when the time came. I have now been a stay at home mom for the last 2 years. It is so damn hard to make a choice like this when you are not in the thick of it. I feel that if you are already leaning towards stay at home mom, then that is likely what you will end up doing. You already feel that pull. But at the same time I 100% understand not wanting to screw yourself out of a job if you figure out staying at home is simply not for you when the time comes. Here is what my colleagues told me as I struggled with this very thing: Your family is your priority. It f*cking sucks to screw over your boss, or your coworkers by taking leave and then deciding to resign, NO doubt about that. But when you are in that situation, you need to make the choice that is best your family and not for your employer.

If in your heart you genuinely feel that you might wish to return, then I think continue with your plan as is and make the choice when you need to. You cannot predict the future now and cannot anticipate the ways in which you and your perspectives will (or wont) change once you have been with your baby for a little while.

kowyen · January 2015

I had a good talk with my employers and they want me to come back so badly they are willing to let me cut my hours to 30 (after my 12 weeks of leave) and then do most of that 30 hours from home provided I come in to the office one day a week.

I'm also able (and encouraged actually) to bring the baby to work with me. Since DH always has a weekday off and works weekends I also think it would be a good chance to let him have "daddy time" alone with baby if I don't want to take him to work.

Have a conversation about it, it's definitely the professional way to deal with it and make a plan for everyone's best interest. Worst thing that can happen is they cut you loose and your decision is made for you!

Mic512 · January 2015

A good friend of mine had a job she loved & had every intention of going back to work, when her leave ended she sat in her car crying so hard her husband had to come get her & the baby from in front of daycare - she could not make herself walk through the doors & go to work. She called her boss, and the worked it out so she is a consultant on a project by project basis from home. If you can take a longer leave of absence unpaid for say 6 months that will give you a better idea of what being a SAHM is like.

sunset30 · January 2015

JennyP0222 said:

I am one of those moms who fully intended to return to work and then my heart told me otherwise when the time came. I have now been a stay at home mom for the last 2 years. It is so damn hard to make a choice like this when you are not in the thick of it. I feel that if you are already leaning towards stay at home mom, then that is likely what you will end up doing. You already feel that pull. But at the same time I 100% understand not wanting to screw yourself out of a job if you figure out staying at home is simply not for you when the time comes. Here is what my colleagues told me as I struggled with this very thing: Your family is your priority. It f*cking sucks to screw over your boss, or your coworkers by taking leave and then deciding to resign, NO doubt about that. But when you are in that situation, you need to make the choice that is best your family and not for your employer.

If in your heart you genuinely feel that you might wish to return, then I think continue with your plan as is and make the choice when you need to. You cannot predict the future now and cannot anticipate the ways in which you and your perspectives will (or wont) change once you have been with your baby for a little while.

Thanks very much for your perspective. When did you make the decision and how did you communicate this with your employer?

JennyP0222 · January 2015

sunset30 said:

JennyP0222 said:

I am one of those moms who fully intended to return to work and then my heart told me otherwise when the time came. I have now been a stay at home mom for the last 2 years. It is so damn hard to make a choice like this when you are not in the thick of it. I feel that if you are already leaning towards stay at home mom, then that is likely what you will end up doing. You already feel that pull. But at the same time I 100% understand not wanting to screw yourself out of a job if you figure out staying at home is simply not for you when the time comes. Here is what my colleagues told me as I struggled with this very thing: Your family is your priority. It f*cking sucks to screw over your boss, or your coworkers by taking leave and then deciding to resign, NO doubt about that. But when you are in that situation, you need to make the choice that is best your family and not for your employer.

If in your heart you genuinely feel that you might wish to return, then I think continue with your plan as is and make the choice when you need to. You cannot predict the future now and cannot anticipate the ways in which you and your perspectives will (or wont) change once you have been with your baby for a little while.

Thanks very much for your perspective. When did you make the decision and how did you communicate this with your employer?

I really thought I was going to go back the whole time, my husband was banking on it financially and I just thought I was in the right head space. When it came time to return within a week or so, I really realized what was going to happen and I started having hysterical fits. I felt like I was grieving every time I thought of leaving my son. I felt like a crazy person, calling my parents every hour venting my feelings and trying to get some direction on if going back was the right thing to do or not. Everyone including my H told me to go back. I knew in my heart though as the days crept by that I was not in the emotional place to return to work and I DESPERATELY wanted to just stay home. I woke up one morning and made the choice.

I did not bother going back and resigning, I just called my boss and straight up told him the whole truth. He was not thrilled with me at all, he had actually just offered me a promotion of sorts upon my return (teacher assistant to 1st grade teacher). If I had a crystal ball I would not have handled it that way AT ALL. However, I truly did not know that I was going to change my mind at the last minute like that. I think I waited too long to realllllllllly think about what returning meant to me and what it felt like I do feel like I burned that bridge by waiting.

But, I guess the point I am trying to make is if you sincerely are unsure, don't make a decision prematurely. If before the end of your leave you start realizing that you cannot return, then I would just be honest immediately and not delay. But you might find the right decision for you and your family is for you to return to work, and there is no sense in closing that door too soon.

071115 · January 2015

With my first I was ready to go back to work, but we get a year off not weeks.
With my second I was not ready to leave her I lived staying at home but financially we couldn't swing it.
Now with my third I am staying home till he is in grade 1 at least. I am nervous but excited.
Good luck with your decision it is a very difficult one. I say take all the time that you need to make the choice, it is only one that you and your husband can make.

052806 · January 2015

It sounds like you're headed in the right direction with your plan, good luck making your decision!

I have an interesting situation bc I teach a AP classes at the high school level and finding a certified replacement for this subject area is nearly impossible to do. I feel an allegiance to the kids, and my employer after 9 years, but I still need to so what is best for my family first.

I am going back to work, as I did the other 2 times I had children. When I put in for my leave this time, I indicated that I would be back in September to the board- but I told the principal it likely would not be until December. I was not ready to box myself into that decision just yet though and he was fine with that for planning purposes.

As long as you don't intentionally screw over the people you work with I think you're okay.

AlinnJo · January 2015

I was a teacher and had LO in September. I worked until she was born which was the first 3 weeks of school. I fully intended to come back after break in January. I went back and after a few days I KNEW I wanted to be home. I let the district know right away. They offered to let me stop teaching ASAP but i told them I'd stay No problem! until they hired my replacement. I didn't want my students having another temporary teacher. I ended up staying a month and then resigning.

I think it depends on your job and situation. Is your boss someone you could explain your concerns to? You very well may LOVE being home or may be counting the days until you go back to work. You definitely won't know until it happens. I'd plan on maternity leave and see how it goes. The. Make sure you give plenty of notice when you make your decision. And remember, family comes first but you don't want to burn any bridges. Good luck!

ohana112610 · January 2015

I have nothing to contribute but I LOVE reading these responses. I'm in a bit of a different situation (self employed and need part of my income at this time) but you all have brought up some great points on things I've struggled with. Thank you!

issytex12 · January 2015

I cant contribute much but I went back to work with DD but only Part time that way i still got to spend loads of time with her and still get a couple of hours a day to be with grown ups. I don't know if thats an option for you in the stares though as your maternity leave system is totally different? I hope you find a solution

atangiblewish · January 2015

I didn't make the decision until the day I went back to work. I just couldn't do it. I gave them my two weeks notice before I left. They were completely understanding.

Now I work for my mom and did so for a year bringing DD with me. But now I work from home. I won't lie, it's hard and I miss having adult conversation and just having a break. However, I wouldn't trade it for the world. While working part time I am also going to school for teaching. I was in the travel industry for 7 years before staying with my DD.

Also, the finances are very tight and we more than struggle. But with a lot of pay going to a daycare Id rather struggle for a few years and be here for my daughters for their baby years.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

chelc32188 · January 2015

I am lucky enough to have a part time job - and think it may just be the best of both worlds. Getting to come to the school for a few hrs each day and have some adult interaction, but get to spend 1/2 of every day at home with the baby will be perfect. I have a great friend who just had her second baby and decided to stay at home - and there are days she tells me how much she wishes she had a part time job - a little income PLUS some interaction with others, but plenty of home time with her babies. I think we COULD swing it if I stayed home, but am willing to come back to try it out first. With me coming back from mat leave in the summer, I think I can convince them to let me bring DS with me while no kids are on campus - but I haven't crossed that bridge yet!

Want a personalized experience?

Maternity Leave / Decision to Stay at Home

Re: Maternity Leave / Decision to Stay at Home

Choose Another Board

Search Boards