a third...?

bumpuser10331514 · December 2014

We just found out last week that SIL is pregnant with #2 and I had the most surprising reaction. I went from being 100% certain that I did not want another one - a belief from which I have not wavered for over a year - to really wanting a third. And my DH is getting a vasectomy in three weeks. He also has had strong feelings that we are done, but when I mentioned it - he actually seemed to consider it. I think that if we waited another year or something, we might do it. I'd be 37. DD would 19 mos and DS would 3. Three under 4 seems like pure hell, but maybe it won't be.

I had negative feelings about getting pregnant again during my entire second pregnancy. It was miserable, but I think it could have had something to do with pregnancy hormones, some issues with my DH, and having a 5-15 month old to run around after while pregnant. I've been on some meds for PP issues and the world is totally different (and I'm only taking the minimum dose...). I think I'd be less overwhelmed the third time around if I was able to keep my hormones in check.

On the other hand, I know a lot of people feel sadness when they realize that they are done "making" their family. I have three weeks to think about it - and even then - the vasectomy is reversible. But anyone have any things that they considered in deciding to have a third? Did I mention I would be 37...?

2chatter · December 2014

Vas is intended to be permanent sterilization....I would postpone it to give you more time to consider than three weeks right in the middle of the holidays.

Ours are 3.5 and 4.5 years apart, and IMO that is perfect spacing (one in college at a time, nicely spaced for intensive homework, all still play together). I definitely considered long term costs, increased life insurance, long term schedule/home and vehicle arrangements/needs and medical risks due to DH's age.

ErinO21 · December 2014

I would postpone the vasectomy. Like one PP said, shit happens and you might not get to reverse it. Plus I would give your baby fever a few more weeks or months. My best friend just announced she was pregnant and if DH could have knocked me up that day I would have let him. A week and a half later I'm glad we are waiting until next year to try.

KayteeGee · December 2014

Postpone unless you are both 100% sure.
They are not like IUDs - they are meant to be permanent.

We are 100% done at 2. That said, please don't let 37 be the reason that you're done. I was 35 and 38 (2 months shy of 39, actually!) when I had mine. It was fine. I mean, I'm sure I would have bounced back to my pre-baby body faster (I am really struggling with it this time around) but otherwise, it's fine.

Take a good, long look at what @ClaryPax posted... those are the reasons to consider.

MommyAtty · December 2014

I was 38 and 40 when mine were born. So age shouldn't be an issue. But I concur with everyone else. Don't rush into anything if you both seem to be wavering about being done.

itsmevkb · December 2014

Yea, I'm 43 and pregnant with our fifth so 37 seems like ages ago to me!

I agree with everyone else on postponing the vasectomy until you are both 100% certain.

As for all the other things to consider, I'm basically the heart wants what the heart wants kind of person and something like I only have a three bedroom house isn't going to make or break my decision to have another child. I am hoping that I will just know when my family is complete. It's easy to get baby fever but you have a ton of time to let your sister-in-laws pregnancy news settle in and then re-evaluate your feelings.

potbellypig · December 2014

Postpone. I'm on pace for 3 under 3.5 myself...it'll be crazy fun. And crazy.

bumpuser10331514 · December 2014

I'm pretty impulsive, so it might not even take 3 weeks for me to change my mind.

The practical considerations (i.e., money and space, etc.) are mostly doable, but some of it would rely heavily on certain things happening in the future - like promotions and raises. These things are 90% certain if we continue on the trajectory we're on, but you never know what might happen. And we don't really have a plan B in the event something does happen. But it sucks. It sucks to know that if all goes well, we will be amply able to afford #3, but we won't likely be in that situation until I'm 40+ and 2 kids will be much older than #3. I might be in the best shape of my life then, but if not, 36 was hard enough to be pregnant and running around after one miniature.

But as of right now - I have 3 weeks. If I still feel this way then, DH and I will have to discuss postponing the vas. And, honestly, hopefully, I come to the realization that the four of us completes us.

Beevol · December 2014

I'd postpone the surgery until you guys were both sure - they're not really reversible. I don't think your age is a huge factor; i think I've seen stuff saying that over 35 but under 40 is roughly the same statistically in terms of outcomes.

Also, getting pregnant only 5 months postpartum? No wonder it was miserable! That's really tough on your body - 18 months between pregnancies is the minimum recommended spacing for optimum maternal health/mental health (less time for a healthy well nourished mom isn't going to kill you or anything and might be totally the best choice for your family, so YMMV).

DH and I just had our second and we think we're done, but we're not planning to get him snipped for another 2-3 years just so we give ourselves a chance to be sure. It helps that I love the mirena and will probably stay on one even after he's sterilized.

SunAndRain · December 2014

ClaryPax said:

Personally, we are done at 2. But if you are still in the process of discussing it, then I would postpone the vasectomy.

ETA- things I considered
1. Pregnancy affect on my body, going through another labor
2. Health concerns for me or the child/ miscarriages etc
3. Maternal age
4. Affect on the other children
5. Another year of sleep deprivation on me and DH
6. Cost of a third in DC
7. Where the child would sleep. We have 3 bedrooms and a finished attic, so 2 kids would have to share a room, and they aren't really that big
8. We still have 2 cars, never went the SUV or mini van option. Is your car big enough for 3?
9. Going through all the stages again, newborn stage, BFing, pumping, screaming stage, PTing,
10. What would it be like when the kids are in school with after school activities and homework
11. Do you like a calm home atmosphere or more chaotic one?
12. Cost of college
13. Putting off trips and adult activities for a couple more years that we could have done with older kids

This is a great list of considerations. You just helped to reaffirmed my decision to stop after 1. At 40, my biggest determining factor was my health and the toll that another pregnancy and additional lost sleep would take. We have space. I lack energy.

IrishTraveler · December 2014

One of the things my doctor made sure I heard when I told her I wasn't sure if we'd have a third but was considering DH getting snipped was that one of the biggest regrets she hears is sterilization. People have it done and then later wish they hadn't. So until I'm positive we're done, we're holding off on anything permanent.

clarks415 · December 2014

As someone who was on these boards in the past and am visiting bc I am considering the same thing as you - having a third - after feeling as though we were done. I am reading all of the responses from the other moms through the same microscope as you.

I think for me what it boils down to is feeling as though our family is complete. After having our second I looked at our first family photo and said, "Yep I feel complete, we look complete, we are done." My hubby was never completely on board with being done.

Now that our youngest is almost three (I will be 33 in the spring) I am feeling the now or never pressure. I worry, a lot. About everything. But I honestly am feeling deep within me that it'll be okay. I am from a very large family and know the connection siblings have and I honestly feel that our boys will love and appreciate another sibling. I know a lot of people tell us to try for a girl, honestly its not about that for us, it's about being sure that our family is complete. I feel that can change at different times. For a while we were complete with two but now we feel differently. As long as I am healthy, I think we will try for number 3 over the summer.

I say postpone and give yourself time to think it over. My mom always says you will never regret another person to love entering your life

bumpuser10331514 · December 2014

clarks415 said:

I think for me what it boils down to is feeling as though our family is complete. After having our second I looked at our first family photo and said, "Yep I feel complete, we look complete, we are done."

I was talking it over with a friend last week and actually pointed to the pictures on my desk and said (roughly), "One. Two. Three (pointing to blank space). It just feels like one is missing." I find myself looking at the pictures of my kids and just thinking, "We need a group of kids. These guys are adorable and rowdy. With 2, they're just 'loud.' With 3, they're a reckoning." But I'm still not convinced that I'm not just lamenting being done...

My dad's sincere 2 cents was not have any more, b/c I would only be piling more work on myself (as opposed to adding more work to both myself and my DH). I feel much more in control now than I did a few months ago, but things change so much so often and so quickly. What would 2 toddlers and a newborn really be like while I'm working full time?

Still don't know what we're going to do. Still have 2 weeks before we have to cancel any appointments...

potbellypig · December 2014

IMO, if you feel like one is missing, you'll regret not having another. Go for it...I've never heard anyone point to their youngest and say "THAT one, that one was a HUGE mistake", but I have heard people say they wished they had had a third or fourth.

drcolleen · December 2014

I enjoy doing vasectomy procedures but if a guy or his wife has your sentiments I would revise to do the vas. Never consider them reversible, i know to many who this doesn't work for of they can even afford to do the reversal.

We have 3 kids, the oldest was 4y8m when youngest was born, 13.5 months into having 3 I want a FORTH! So I'm biased but say go for it unless your dh is against another. I wish my dh wanted another or would be so adament to get a vasectomy.

bumpuser10331514 · January 2015

So...if anyone wanted an update about my reproductive status (and who doesn't?):

DH got snipped. Strangely, I'm not sad. It helped me to feel my family was complete (although I did seem to switch my focus to DD's name...).

litzo27 · January 2015

There is always something to obsess about

Congrats on the decision! And kudos to uour DH for taking one for the team.

adkhiker · January 2015

DH just got his vasectomy last week. I have been in a bit of a funk about it on top of other extended family issues. I would have liked a 3rd but DH was strongly against it. I didn't feel like I was certain enough about a third child to try to convince him to change his mind. Plus, I really struggled with adjusting to 2 kids, so I think he thinks that he is taking care of me. I am glad that you are feeling at peace with the decision and that you are feeling good over all.

shakinros · January 2015

SomebabiesMom said:
So...if anyone wanted an update about my reproductive status (and who doesn't?):

DH got snipped. Strangely, I'm not sad. It helped me to feel my family was complete (although I did seem to switch my focus to DD's name...).

Glad to hear that it wasn't a sad occasion. It's good to be at peace about it.

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