WARNING: Long! Intro after a few random posts plus feeling like crap

jilly159 · January 2015

Lets try this again because my phone decided to die right as I was done. *grumble*

I've made very few random posts/responses on TB without making any intro. I'm pretty private and don't generally post stuff about myself online. Probably because I never know what to say, but here goes.

I'm a STM. First is a girl, and this one is a boy. I was pretty snowflakey my first time around with DD. At the time my husband was deployed, I had some mild pregnancy complications, and had to move to a new state 34 weeks pregnant without him (which meant finding a new OB). No excuses, but it made me snowflakey from being very emotional. Being a STM has made me more realistic about somethings for lack of a better word (Remember that I said SOMETHINGS when you get down to the second part of this post). I also feel more connected to this board then I did my last. Probably because I understand things better this time around. I love the sarcasm and dry humor. Plus I love seeing how fast time has flown by. It's seems like it was yesterday I was checking to see if anyone else was puking their brains out.

Alright... Well here's my feeling like crap part. I feel like I'm experiencing some sort of disappointment with this pregnancy. I'm so sorry to any loss moms or moms who have practically given an arm and a leg to have a baby. This isn't meant to be insensitive or a slap in the face... I'm genuinely confused by my own feelings. They don't even make sense myself, and I'm feeling extremely guilty and like a horrible person.

When we found out this baby was a boy I was excited, immediately followed by feeling down. Not because he's physically a boy but because I was unknowingly planning to just use all of DD's old baby things, probably because of memories and sentimental value. It's weird how I thought that because when anyone asked me what I thought this baby was going to be I didn't have an answer. One day I'd think it was a boy and the next a girl, so I just didn't know. So here I am not disappointed that he's a boy, but because I can't breakout DD's old baby items? What's wrong with me?

And then also DH's family had a name picked out for a boy. In the beginning he asked if we could use it and I said sure why not? Because I felt like it was important to them and especially DH ...Well now realizing that I didn't think things through properly, I'm feeling completely left out of having that connection of naming my own child. It has me in tears. DH and his family are having the time of their lives and I'm feeling so overwhelmed, down, and confused by own feelings. Not to mention an enormous wave of guilt for feeling these feelings that I wish would just go away so I could enjoy this wonderful moment.

Moms, any words of wisdom? I'm not asking for positive responses, but real responses. I'm feeling like the biggest piece of crap right now and also feeling very alone and ashamed..

akmhbm924 · January 2015

Awww, I'm sorry you're having these feelings!

jmk729 · January 2015

@jilly159‌ kind of new to the board as well. Don't have a ton of time to reply and respond (plus there are always so many replies I feel like I don't have anything new to say lol)
I'm a FTM this go around but I've had 2 pregnancies in the past that ended early but abruptly. I get what you're saying about that disappointment. Based off of everything I've read and felt myself, I'd honestly say what you are feeling is natural and normal.
You're basically on an emotional rollercoaster for the next 5 months, so try to cut yourself some slack! Let yourself get used to the idea of having a boy and try to start thinking about the positive! You get to go shopping for all new adorable things!! As for your DD's old clothes, maybe see if there's anything you can do with them. Maybe pick out a few favorites and see if they can be made into some sort of patchwork quilt? (Just an idea, but I'm not good at being creative) and then maybe donate the rest - I always find doing something good for others perks up the happy!
As far as the name goes I'd try to get some one on one time with hubby and talk it out with him letting him know your concerns. Maybe keep the proposed name on the list or even possibly as a middle name so you can take some ownership there too!
Hope you're feeling better soon.. Keep us posted on how everything goes!!

(Sorry for the super long post!!!)

mollymargaret1 · January 2015

I'm a FTM and to be completely honest with you this has been a hard pregnancy - sick a lot and in the hospital for dehydration etc - so I told my SO that this would be a one and done situation. I understand feeling bad for being a little disappointed. There are so many women who struggle or can't get pregnant.

You don't HAVE to keep the name. It's more your baby than the family's baby. Talk to your husband. Depending on the name they picked you could maybe use it as a middle name.

Also, I'm sure some of the baby stuff is a little more gender neutral. Maybe see if you could use some. Or see if you could donate some - then you know a mother who really needs it can benefit.

housewifebecomesher · January 2015

I think it is normal to have mixed emotions, and the hormones don't help. If you are having feelings of sadness with no relief, you may want to talk to your doctor. If it is just normal pregnancy blues, I think once baby arrives and you have time to get into a routine, you will feel better.

Pregnancy is a stressful time, physically and emotionally and it isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Be gentle with yourself!

leenziepops · January 2015

You should really type "gender disappointment " into the search function. This lady had the same feelings as you though for different reasons and there were great responses. Im on mobile so cant paste the link. But definitely will be of use for you. As for DDs things. You can certainly reuse many things again. The onesies wraps and things. If your worried about people calling him she then just use the pjs. Nothing will happen to your son if he wears some of his sister's things.
Also do not stick to a name to keep other people happy and let that be a lesson learnt to not agree to things before thinking! You might upset them but they'll get over it.
Feel better soon. Sounds like a lot of crazy pg hormones

staciecoffey · January 2015

Welcome aboard! Sorry to hear you're dealing with some pretty heavy emotions. All the PPs have pretty much said everything I was thinking, they're good like that. Keep your chin up and take it one day at a time.

flbabychin · January 2015

I don't really have anything different to say than PPs, but wanted to say that as a FTM, I know I'm more clueless and haven't been in the same shoes. However, I do still think that beating yourself up over your feelings and feeling guilty or shameful about it doesn't do you any good. I would echo that talking to a therapist or counselor could really be beneficial if you're feeling so down and aren't really sure why the extent of the emotions are what they are.

And, as far as the name goes - you didn't sign a contract and you are allowed to also change your mind, so I would definitely have that convo with your DH to talk about what ideas you have for naming your baby. That's a choice for the two of you.

gingerbabe · January 2015

Prenatal depression is a very real thing. Maybe this is not your problem, but I suggest you talk to your OB/midwife about having down feelings. My first pregnancy I had a lot of negative/disappointment feelings. Some are normal and natural and are just a part of the process of having your life change, but then if you do have prenatal depression there will be negative feelings that are not normal for you at all. I have always wanted to be a mom but my whole first pregnancy I felt nothing but negative my whole pregnancy. My logic and my emotions were super conflicted. I could be totally wrong, this may not be your problem at all, but think about it and talk to your OB.

darvo · January 2015

At an emergency ultrasound I had at 14 weeks, the tech was 100% certain I'm having a boy. I don't totally trust that, because it seemed so early to be so certain, but just hearing from a medical professional that I was having a boy made me feel so disappointed. I was surprised by that feeling, because we had TTTC. I didn't think it mattered, but I guess subconsciously I just wanted a girl. I practically raised my sister and I just feel very maternal toward young girls. I think your feelings are very normal and it's definitely something you can and will overcome. I agree with talking to your OB/midwife.

maddibayer · January 2015

All the pp's have great advice. I will admit to a little bit of gender disappointment at first. I have an 8 yr old DS and a 5 yr old DD. We wanted a boy mainly because my DD has a lot of medical problems that are genetic and sex related. But also because of my DD being our princess and not my DH's biological daughter. I was so worried about how my DD would feel if she had a normal healthy sister.. So many worries. We found out we are having a girl but all testing says she is healthy. I was so worried DH's relationship with my DD would fade and she would feel bad. But after talking with family and thinking about it for awhile I realized that my worries are not founded! I now can't wait for my beautiful girl! I even had a dream about her being a boy and was extremely sad about it!! Girls are wonderful just like boys and so many new and great memories to be made! I hope this helps you a little.

And sorry if I don't make a lot of sense or if it's just a jumble of rambles I just woke up from crappy sleep and my brain is not functioning just yet.. Need coffee!

jilly159 · January 2015

Thank you everyone for your kind words, I really appreciate it more than you know because right now I feel like I have nobody to talk to. You are all amazing.

@leenziepops‌ thanks for that suggestion. I forgot to mention that I did use the search function and read the post I think you're referring to. I wasn't quite sure if this was gender disappointment, hence why I just generalized it with "disappointment" (not to sound completely oblivious because DH made the comment this morning that I've seemed pretty down since we found out), so maybe you all are right. I'm so disappointed in myself right now.

@pickles26‌ thank you saying something that at least, for me, was so common sense I didn't even see it. I'm sad I can't get out all her cutesie things out. Not trying to say boy things aren't cute, because they really are. But I'm a creature of familiarity.. Not using what we already had really hit me hard even though they are just things. I was just subconsciously planning for the familiar.

On a side note I was also worried how DD's relationship would be with the baby if it was a girl. So I guess I had some worries for either situation. We weren't quite sure if we were going to have anymore after her so almost everyday I tell her "you're my favorite" "you're my one and only." Now I can say to each of them "you're my favorite boy" "you're my one and only girl." Without that conflict or her feeling like she's been replaced for never hearing those words again. Happy thoughts!

For those who related something similar, had a friend who felt something similar, and those who couldn't relate but offered your support THANK YOU for making me feeling like I'm not alone. These feelings of guilt for something so trivial really suck.

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WARNING: Long! Intro after a few random posts plus feeling like crap

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