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mother in the delivery room

wonderpetsmomwonderpetsmom member
in March 2015 Moms
As I was informing my mother that our "baby friendly" hospital doesn't allow visitors for at least an hour after the birth, she asked if she was allowed in the room for the delivery.
This is our second LO, the first she was only in the room cuz she was stuck in corner by the nurses and doctor (no big deal at the time). DH and I informed her that we wanted to do this one just us.
My mother and DH bicker about the stupidest stuff, definitely a power struggle. But now she is blaming him for the decision and says she won't come down at all to see the baby.
She was huge help with our first LO so this upsets me, but I don't want drama while I'm popping a watermelon out.

Any suggestions on dealing with an over bearing mother?
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Re: mother in the delivery room

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  • Bluebell0315Bluebell0315 member
    pearsforpoops said:

    It sounds to me like she's being immature. To stomp her feet and say she's not coming to see the baby just because she's not allowed in the delivery room? It doesn't matter whether it's your decision, your H's, or both. It's not her decision to make.


    I'd say just let her be childish. Hopefully she'll come around sooner than later, but I wouldn't make any adjustments to your plan that you've created with your H to appease your mother when she's the one being ridiculous.
    What she said. That sounds like a two year old about to throw a tantrum!
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  • DM718DM718 member
    FTM, so I may be wrong, but I'm assuming that the hospital staff will enforce my wishes re: visitors.

    My immediate family kind of thinks my mum wants to be in the delivery room (none of us want to ask her, though, because none of us feel like telling her she's crazy and will not be welcome there).  My sister believes at a minimum, she'll insist on being in the waiting room for lord knows how long.

    I'm telling people that we'll call when we're ready for visitors.  If she'd like to camp out in the waiting room, she'll be able to see the baby 15  minutes sooner than if she hangs out at home, goes to work, etc.  Her call.  But we need to get through L&D, bond with the baby, and probably recover a bit.  So I have no problem taking care of my little family before indulging her excitement.
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  • mangomimosamangomimosa member
    Tell your mom that it's not just DH's decision, it is also YOUR wish that she stay out of the delivery room. I think it's unfair to let her blame him.

    Regardless, yes - she is being immature. She only wants to help out after delivery if she's allowed to watch it? That's very manipulative. I'd say "Ok, thanks anyway," and leave it at that. If she changes her mind it's your choice to allow it or not.
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  • gnomemomgnomemom member

    I don't even want my mom in the hospital when I deliver, let alone in the room with me. Last time, I made the mistake of telling her when I went into labor and told her I'd call when it was time for her to come. She immediately came to the hospital. I had made it clear I just wanted it to be DH and I in the delivery room, which she respected, but she made sure I knew she was in the waiting room...overnight...for 14 hours until I had him.

    This time, I'm not telling her a thing until the baby is here.

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  • 5280355852803558 member
    My mom is super high strung and when she gets excited just talks a mile a minute. Medical situations make things much worse. She's either histerically crying b/c "I'm dying" or just so excited you can't get her to stop talking and pacing. It makes me anxious. My sister said no visitors during pushing and when that time came she refused to leave and due to the fact that the baby was coming she got her way. Now I told my mother no to the hospital which she was fine with but when I mentioned asking a calming close friend to be there she flipped out. She said it wasn't fair. You can't make everyone happy even close family... So it's a good thing this is about you, your DH, and baby. I'm going with the fact that mom will have to get over it which shouldn't take to long with a new baby in her arms.
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  • Jenay25Jenay25 member
    I'm so glad I'm not the only one dealing with this! I'm an only child and this is my first baby and my crazy mother acts like it's her baby! I don't want anyone in the room but my husband because I feel like it is important for us to have the time to immediately bond as our own family unit. However, I have not told my mother this yet and I'm completely terrified that she will respond negatively...
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  • sparkles0687sparkles0687 member
    I don't think I am telling my parents this time around until after the baby is born.  The first time my mom was calling while I was pushing.  When I didn't answer she called again.  It was pretty annoying.  I would say just let her go. My guess is she will come see the baby.

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  • lisap0924lisap0924 member
    I don't think your mom or mil have any say on who gets to be in the room. If you don't want here their, tell her
    My mother and MIL will NOT be in the room when I am birthing. No way no how!

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  • 071115071115 member
    I would phone her when I was ready for her to visit. I would make it clear that me and h make the decision together.
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  • AshleyS512AshleyS512 member
    I feel like when people make ridiculous threats like not coming to see their new grandchild it's just a ploy to get what they want. My brother tries this ALL the time and finally my parents have stopped giving in or begging him to change his mind. I would just tell your mom that you've made your decision as a couple and not having her there after the birth would be disappointing, but that she'll have to make that decision herself if that's what she wants to do.


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  • wonderpetsmomwonderpetsmom member
    Thank you ladies! I feel a lot better now. Maybe she will change her tune when the baby comes
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  • meowkittenmeowkitten member
    chaysefaith said:
    I'm not telling my mom until I'm ready for her to come visit.
    This. Our family is all ten hours away, and I told them that I didn't want anyone coming down here until we had been home from the hospital for a few days. I told them that if they couldn't respect that, I would let them know after the baby was born and not when I went into the hospital.

    I'd just say "Ok, that's fine" and let her make whatever decision she wants. If she chooses not to come visit, that's on her, not you!
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  • jr_packardjr_packard member
    mrsh924 said:

    As a mother herself, it's hard to imagine that she couldn't possibly understand your feelings.  She's been there and had her time with her children.  She needs to respect your wishes.  Hopefully if you are able to let her know honestly that this is also your decision and not just your husbands, she will have time to process and not harbor negative feelings.  If all else fails, simply don't tell her that you are going into labor, and call her when you've had time to be alone with your LO and H and feel up for having guests.  


    Edited: spelling is hard
    Agreed -- maybe OP's mom forgot she already had her shot at raising kids, and now it's someone else's turn. Whatever the case, the primary relationship is between OP and DH, and whatever her mom thinks is irrelevant if it goes against decisions/opinions already established by them.
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  • mermaid1113mermaid1113 member
    I agree with all PP- your mom is being unfair and throwing a tantrum. I would tell her that that is her choice to not be there, just like it was your and DH choice to want to be in the room alone. If she wants to throw a fit, let her.
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  • annieheartsanniehearts member
    We went thru this with my mother in law & sister in law. It started a family war pretty much. My mother in law is ill & mentally ill- so I've written out a plan for her. I told her she can come to the waiting room & bring my husband lunch or dinner if she would like but that I need my space & I'm not going to have anyone in the room but my favorite nurse dr. & husband. I would like to have my mom but she's 4 hours away & she has said she'd rather come after the baby. So far so good with writing her a plan. Hoping things go smoothly this time. I have a copy in my go bag so that the nurses can give it to her if she is insisting to come in. She also has asked to watch our first while we have our new one & I have been able to come up for a plan for that but I realized I shouldn't have to have this stress & how selfish it is for other people to want to intrude on our first moments & time with our little one. I don't want to have to worry about anyone else but me & my baby. My husband is fantastic & said he will take care of it but he can be a little more harsh- & I don't think with her health issues she'll be around for many memories with the kids so I try to make things as smooth as possible.

    My point is- it's ok to be selfish. This is YOUR time. Your mom had her time with you. Let her know how important it is to you & that you need her when you get home or have something planned out such as- having her come over so you & your husband can nap or shower or spend time with your first little one because they will be adjusting too. It gives you a glimpse of hope of a break too. If you have to have the "it's not about you" talk then you do & it will be fine!
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