Thursday: In-law/ Family vents

chertmm · January 2015

I think we missed last week. Let's catch up on some family drama.

My A/S was yesterday. My MIL could care less about that. However, she did text DH all night trying to nail down a schedule of time she could have the baby to herself. Um, let me finish growing the kid inside of my body before you try to snatch him!

mp03jp · January 2015

Mine is still left over from Christmas so maybe if I vent I can just be over it. DS was being a brat Christmas Day. It was out of character for him to a point but still. DH's grandma who we hardly ever see (pretty much only holidays/family gatherings) Cried because of it. He didn't like what he got at first. But like I said bad day and he is getting to the age to where he can notice the special treatment that happens. He did end up likening most of it after he had time to relax and get back to his normal self. The things he didn't really like I couldn't blame him for. Clothes from DHs grandma in the wrong sizes and no where close to anything that he'd every actually wear. He did thank everyone for what he got just wasn't supper excited about anything at the time. I just thought it was crazy that a 6 year old made an 80 year old grown women cry.
Also sorry Mobil is being wonky and I can't fix the formatting.

DomesticAtty · January 2015

FIL does not want to know the sex of the baby til he is born. "When I had kids, we didn't find out". All of our friends and family know we are having a boy. The way he requests we not tell him is demanding. When I was pregnant with DD, he accidently found out bc my mother send him a baby shower invite that revealed the sex- he acted like we completly disrespected him by "letting" him find out. He was actually pissed. His attitude just sucks. Not your baby, it should not be your decision to find out or not.

wlrtimes2 · January 2015

I also have a leftover Christmas vent. My husband and I live 1800 miles from our families, so we flew home for 12 days hoping that we would have enough time to see everyone. My dad was recently diagnosed with stage 4 bladder cancer and was told that at this point his diagnosis is terminal. I just found out today that the whole time we were home my MIL was complaining to all of our siblings that we were spending too much time with my dad and not enough time with her. We spent EQUAL amounts of time with all 4 of our families (both parents are divorced and remarried) and yet she still feels slighted that she didn't get more time. She even said to someone that he might die by next Christmas, but he might not so he doesn't deserve all of our time. WHO SAYS THAT?!? Today I am feeling really grateful for the 1800 miles in between us.

Edit: phone bumping is hard

mp03jp · January 2015

@maebybaeby I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I hope your MIL pulls her head out of her butt

sabriel1 · January 2015

maebybaeby your MIL sounds like a huge bitch

sabriel1 · January 2015

@Jessie386 - I don't know how you deal with her - I would be cutting her out of my life for sure, she sounds very draining

Ashtastic515 · January 2015

maebybaeby said:

I also have a leftover Christmas vent. My husband and I live 1800 miles from our families, so we flew home for 12 days hoping that we would have enough time to see everyone. My dad was recently diagnosed with stage 4 bladder cancer and was told that at this point his diagnosis is terminal. I just found out today that the whole time we were home my MIL was complaining to all of our siblings that we were spending too much time with my dad and not enough time with her. We spent EQUAL amounts of time with all 4 of our families (both parents are divorced and remarried) and yet she still feels slighted that she didn't get more time. She even said to someone that he might die by next Christmas, but he might not so he doesn't deserve all of our time. WHO SAYS THAT?!? Today I am feeling really grateful for the 1800 miles in between us. Edit: phone bumping is hard

Yuck.. What a nasty thing to say, let alone actually feel. I'm sorry about your Dad.. I Also live about 1600 miles away from my dad so I can only imagine how "extra hard" that is for you to go through. T&p for you both!

christieb27 · January 2015

My husbands step Mother asked if she could be in the delivery room. I do not want anyone in there except him, maybe my own mother if I wimp out in the moment. I told her exactly that, she then said texted me please please please. I told her I wasn't comfortable with it, I rather not have an audience. She told me how witnessing a baby be born is a miracle and how she couldn't have kids so it would be an honor for her to be there.

I didn't back down about how I felt, but I was pretty pissed to get the guilt trip. I am just not comfortable with flashing my vag for a bunch of people to see. MIL however was completely understanding and said she would be happy to wait outside of the room.

*edit- corrected typo

louloutte87 · January 2015

My mother in law (who walked out on our wedding as we weren't "paying her enough attention" then didn't talk to us til we announced the pregnancy), has booked 2 weeks off work around the due date and is "coming to stay". Literally fuming!!

hawksfan82 · January 2015

My venting is left over from the holidays too. We went up to WI to visit my IL's. My BIL was giving me crap for not going skiing and was telling me I was just using the baby as an excuse. I told him I can't ski well even when I'm not pregnant. He just advised me not to fall down. In his defense, he's not the brightest crayon in the box so I can't really take anything he says too seriously. It was still annoying though. He annoys me anyway because he has no job and he's always complaining about how much things suck for him and he can't get a girlfriend. He's one of those that expects to walk into a job and be making a crap ton of money from the beginning so he won't just get a job for the sake of having a job. This is all we listen to when we are around. We get sick of the pity party.

FIL...I normally think he's an ok guy but he wore on me big time. First, he was pissed because we didn't bring up the champagne glasses from our wedding. Each person in our wedding party got an etched glass to toast from. Apparently he wanted a whole set of them. Not happening because we didn't order extra ones. He didn't even tell us he wanted more of them. I got so angry with him on Christmas because he thought dinner time would be a great time to tell me our baby is going to be so messed up because I love Mexican food. My ex used to tell me I would be such a crappy mom and would ruin my kids' lives because I'm such a picky eater (I'm not that bad). Hearing that come from my FIL pushed me over the edge because I refuse to have someone tell me how awful and worthless I'm going to be. It was like dealing with my ex all over again and I have a zero tolerance for putting up with that crap anymore. He really doesn't have much room to talk...he raised his son on hamburgers and he's way pickier than me.

MIL...haven't seen her in over 3 years. She refuses to be involved in her son's life because of me. His step dad tried to get him to call her on Christmas but he told him no. He's still pretty pissed she didn't come to the wedding.

equestriandiva · January 2015

Our baby's sex reveal was ornaments sent to my parents and brought to my ILs, because we were spending Christmas with them. So my ILs got to find out a day before my parent's even got their gift. We asked that they keep it quiet so my parents can find out the way we planned vs over facebook, well we leave the room for one second and my MIL instantly starts calling everyone she knows, grrrrrr!

And now my IL's are getting pissed off about every detail of our baby. Like for my mom it's tradition to buy the crib for all her daughters (I'm the last of the daughters to have a first baby, so it's been going on for awhile) so my MIL is pissed she can't do anything for the nursery (um crib isn't the whole nursery), she's pissed that I don't want her there while I'm delivering, she's pissed that we want to spend Christmas next year with my family (even though I haven't been with my family for xmas since 2009, it's all been with the ILs), she's pissed that we don't want to be bombarded with company when the baby arrives and would rather stagger the visits (plus we only have 1 guest room).

Anyways long rant, my DH is beyond irritated with his mom and doesn't know what to do. They used to be very close until recently with this pregnancy, because she's so irrational and doesn't even talk to him the same. We had a loss last year, but beforehand, none of this was a problem then when it was discussed.

equestriandiva · January 2015

Oh and my MIL also told me I don't look pregnant at all, I just look like I'm "filling out" even though as of now I've only gained 5.6 lbs and it's mostly in front, though yes my baby girl did give me back the love handles that I usually have to work so hard to keep away.

animaldoctor12 · January 2015

@maebybaeby‌ sorry to hear about your father.

equestriandiva · January 2015

sorry about your father @maebybaeby, cancer is so cruel

hawksfan82 · January 2015

Thanks @Jessie386‌. Thankfully we only see them for a few days out of the year since we live 16 hours away. We pretty much decided that we've made enough trips up there for awhile so if his family wants to see us, they can come down and visit.

It does seem silly to me that someone could say such things based on what my favorite food is. I know I'm going to be a great mom. It's the one thing I've wanted so bad in this life. I was a picky eater growing up and I'm sure my parents wanted to pull their hair out with me. They certainly weren't failures though. In fact, they were far from. FIL really doesn't have much room to talk. Once MIL walked out on her kids, FIL started treating them like crap. My husband had a rough life growing up because of his parents.

peteresa · January 2015

DomesticAtty said:
FIL does not want to know the sex of the baby til he is born. "When I had kids, we didn't find out". All of our friends and family know we are having a boy. The way he requests we not tell him is demanding. When I was pregnant with DD, he accidently found out bc my mother send him a baby shower invite that revealed the sex- he acted like we completly disrespected him by "letting" him find out. He was actually pissed. His attitude just sucks. Not your baby, it should not be your decision to find out or not.

Dang, he's hardcover old school and you better quit trying to change him...lol j/k Hey I have an idea, tell him this one's a girl and then when you deliver your son he can tell you how "wrong" our modern day technology is!!! lol

peteresa · January 2015

NeverTooManyShoes said:

louloutte87 said:

My mother in law (who walked out on our wedding as we weren't "paying her enough attention" then didn't talk to us til we announced the pregnancy), has booked 2 weeks off work around the due date and is "coming to stay". Literally fuming!!

I'd be asking her which hotel she is staying at.

Those would be my words EXACTLY!!!!

hawksfan82 · January 2015

@maebybaeby‌: I'm sorry to hear about your father.

@louloutte87‌: That would piss me off. She sounds very selfish. I'd also be asking what hotel she's planning on staying at.

@Jessie386‌: What on earth is up with your mom?! That sounds so frustrating! I figured my mom would be upset when I said it was only going to be me and DH in the delivery room but she was perfectly ok with that. Sounds like you've been doing what's best for you and your family by cutting back on time with her. I'm sure you will have a great relationship with your child

peteresa · January 2015

Jessie386 said:
Mind if I vent about my own Mother for a minute. She is BSC. She doesn't really show any excitement toward me regarding my first pregnancy. I have to call her every week to see how she is doing because she won't call any of her children anymore because "she is tired of always being the one to call people." When I call, she briefly asks how I am feeling and how everything is going. The other day I told her that my IL's are buying our crib. It is their first grandchild. When I told her this, she was like, "I will do the same thing I did for your brother. I will give you $100 toward the baby to do with what you want." I was talking to her about how excited his family is and she was all "I'm glad you have a family that is so excited for you." WTF MOM! Apparently she is still partially upset at the fact that both DH and I agreed and I told her that no one will be allowed in the delivery room except DH. It is a special time for the two of us. We created this LO and we want to cherish that moment when she arrives. She could also be mad at the fact that I told her in a very nice way that she won't be getting our child every weekend like she wants. I try to only call her once a week and only talk while DH is home because she gets me very worked up and I almost broke my phone one day when I threw it across the room after her and I talked. She thinks we are all out to get her and that we all hate her and don't want her in our lives.

Thanks for listening and letting me vent.

My parents are the same way, my dad has personality disorder so he only thinks about what works for him! My mom kinda has to go along with whatever he wants because he's very very vocal when he doesn't get his way (it's like watching a two yr old throw a fit but he's 68 and is behind the wheel of a car as he throws fits). When my daughter was about to be born they came into town and instead of them staying at the hospital and my mom being in the room with me they left the hospital completely and didn't return until my daughter was 8 hrs old. They held her for literally 1hour before they left town to go back home....I was fuming mad but I can't change the way they are!!! So, you're not the only one, I hope you find comfort in my story about my folks! What also irks me is that they had never bought her a single thing until this Christmas, they got her a tea set for $20.00 and keep in mind, this is their ONLY grandchild.

gkrenzel · January 2015

More leftover Christmas vent!

I met BIL's girlfriend for the first time, he only makes it back for Christmas every year so this is also only the second time she's been with the inlaws family (both periods of less than a week). Right off the bat she starts getting after DH for his communication skills with his brother- I'll be hoonest, DH could improve in this area. If it were BIL to be saying this I would be totally okay with, he's family. But the not close girlfriend....eh..

A few days later she decides to take it upon herself to make sure I am "exercising to keep the baby healthy". When I reply no, haven't been feeling that great lately she doesn't let it go, but proceeds to tell me about her friend who surfed until she went into labor. Cool. But really, I only met you a few days ago so you can really shut up now.

I got Taco Bell over their stay as well; I know it's gross, but cravings said T-Bell so what could I do

DH tells me later that she remarks "you really are going to eat that? I don't think you should". She's lucky I didn't hear this, mind your own business I will eat whatever the heck I want!

Glad when that visit was over...

gkrenzel · January 2015

.

laur1020 · January 2015

This isn't really a big deal compared to the family drama everyone else posted about. We just got back from visiting DH's sister. While we were there, she asked when my baby shower was going to be. I told her the date that my mom and sisters are tentatively planning for it. She said "maybe I'll come out for the shower...or I'd like to come and help you for a weekend with the baby". DH's parents and sisters are already planning on vacationing here shortly after the baby is born, so it's not like she's not going to see the baby. It just bothers me when people just assume that you want them to come stay at your house and "help" you. I would never just invite myself. I guess if she said "if you want me to come help you sometime, I will" it wouldn't have annoyed me.

veganmom13 · January 2015

I'm a first time mom and really don't want my in laws around the baby. It's hard to say that but they are just rude and stink to high heaven of smoke

I was told that our son will probably need the NICU due to possible lung issues and I just don't want the smell of smoke to trigger our baby. Am I being unreasonable? I feel bad but I just don't want them around...

Benitess21 · January 2015

May I add my own rant session?

For the most part I have no problem with my MIL or FIL, they've been great to me even though I "stole" their baby boy away. It's my 2 SIL's that are just impossible. My DH is in the service and hasn't lived at home for over 5 years now. He's the youngest out of the 3 and they've been rude ever since we got engaged. Created drama because they weren't the first to know, as if he needed their approval. For our wedding I asked them to be a part of my BMs, because like it or not we are now family & wanted to start off on a new slate.. but ended up getting attitudes and sibliminal posts written about me via FB. They barely participated in any aspect of the wedding and barely communicated with me. I've been completely ignored and disrespected by them more than a few times. Now that we have relocated and found out a day before we flew out that we were expecting, they are all about the baby. Not once have they contacted me in regards to how I'm feeling or even a simple "congrats" -- but expect to fly out to come visit. #-o

I wasn't a fan of posting that we we're expecting via FB at first due to the sensitivity of the 1st trimester -- wanted to wait it out a bit.. well I log on one day to see a post from my SIL announcing our pregnancy to the world WITH an u/s pic!! After asking politely to remove it, explaining my reasons.. I received a nasty reply saying I needed to take it up with her brother and if he wanted it off, he would have to ask her! "Whether you like it or not, I'm the baby's aunt.. you need to accept that"

Out of respect for my husband I didn't rip her a new one.. but I was ready to reply "whether YOU like it or not I'm the childs mother & if you want any part in my childs life you will respect me"

Sorry, end rant.

BabyPeanutV2015 · January 2015

@Benitess21‌ your SILs sound insane. Hope things get better as pg progresses.

hawksfan82 · January 2015

@Benitess21‌: Your SILs would drive me crazy! Ugh! I'm sorry they are acting like that. I don't know why she would even think it was remotely ok to announce your pregnancy. Sure, being an aunt is awesome. I wanted to announce it to the world that my SIL was expecting but I respected her decision to wait for her to make it FB official first. Did your husband have any issues with her posting it?

As far as them just expecting to come visit, I'm not sure what can be done about that. I would hope that if they are disrespectful, your husband would step in and say something.

hawksfan82 · January 2015

@veganmom13‌: Personally, I don't think you are being unreasonable. I don't know the extent of your relationship with them but if your baby is going to have lung issues, that may be for the best...at least early on. I know about dealing with rude ILs. I don't know about how much of an issue that is or if they have a close relationship with your husband. If they do, then I'm sure it will be difficult for them not to be around. I know in my case, my FIL will rarely see our son (due to distance) and my MIL will most likely never be around him or have a relationship with him (which I am more than ok with).

hawksfan82 · January 2015

@laur1020‌: I can see being annoyed with that. I think people, especially women, get so excited for babies to get here that they don't think about giving the parents much privacy. In some cases the help is nice but I think sometimes people just want to "help" with the baby and let mom do all the entertaining, housework, and messy work with the baby. Maybe she can come after you get settled as a family.

veganmom13 · January 2015

:-/ good luck to all of us lol

veganmom13 · January 2015

hawksfan82 said:
@veganmom13‌: Personally, I don't think you are being unreasonable. I don't know the extent of your relationship with them but if your baby is going to have lung issues, that may be for the best...at least early on. I know about dealing with rude ILs. I don't know about how much of an issue that is or if they have a close relationship with your husband. If they do, then I'm sure it will be difficult for them not to be around. I know in my case, my FIL will rarely see our son (due to distance) and my MIL will most likely never be around him or have a relationship with him (which I am more than ok with).

Luckily my husband and his parents aren't too close. I'm nice to them but they are just rude and try take advantage of my husbands money (long story!) when it came to our wedding they took it upon themselves to invite who ever they wanted. They didn't contribute a single dime to anything wedding related and even surprised is with their own guest at the wedding. It was a mess. There were also issues of abuse and neglect with them and my husband when he was little. I just don't feel comfortable with them at all.

sbride68 · January 2015

I know it's Friday but I didn't want to start a new thread just for this and if fits in perfect with the family vent. So when we had originally planned my baby shower I had askedt aunt fort cousins address. My cousin is also pregnant and due at the end of May while I am due at the beginning. She is also my aunts granddaughter well step granddaughter because her step dad is my true cousin. But when I asked for the address my aunt asked what weekend we were planning my shower and I told her the first weekend in April and she said oh good your cousins is either the second or third weekend of April so that works out. Well my aunt text me on Sunday and asked what day mine was again so I called and told her and she said ok just wondering because she was at her sons house and they were talking about it. She called this morning and asked what time mine was and I wasn't sure at the time because I hadn't asked the girl throwing mine yet but she said that the lady throwing my cousins had decided to change hers to the exact same day! Come to find out the same time as well! This is her second baby while this is my first so my aunt isn't happy they are having another shower anyways but it really upset me that they changed it to match mine basically. They knew exactly when mine was because my aunt had told them when they were planning my cousins.

Update: after typing all this my aunt just called back and said she would be at my shower because this was my cousins second and they knew when mine was before they changed it. That makes me feel better I guess but I am so mad that they would do that in the first place.

hawksfan82 · January 2015

@sigjens‌: Why is she offended? Because you're pregnant too? That's weird.

@veganmom13‌: Feel free to vent anytime. Your IL's sound somewhat similar to mine. Not with the wedding necessarily, but just shadiness in general. FIL screwed my husband over financially after he joined the military. And like I mentioned earlier, he had a very rough life (abuse, homeless, etc) because of his parents. My FIL doesn't seem so bad these days (short of being an ass at Christmas). I refuse to be anywhere near my MIL and I certainly won't ever have our children around her. She's BSC and she would be type to physically harm them because she hates me. Plus, after abandoning her kids, she certainly wasn't a mother to them so she isn't grandma material either.

hawksfan82 · January 2015

@sbride68‌: Sounds like a mess! I'm glad your aunt is coming to your shower.

FTM2k15 · January 2015

Might be a little late but to share my MIL rant.. also possible triggers.

MIL told my husband when I was 18 weeks, "don't get too excited over your baby". When he asked why, she replied with, "Because she'll probably lose it." ....
My husband didn't even tell me it was said until I was near 20 weeks at our anatomy ultrasound. He said he wanted me to have absolute proof that the baby was okay before I started freaking out over what was said and it had me worried.

So fast forward. My BIL and his wife come over when I'm about 22 weeks and tell me that MIL has been mentioning my son dying to them also. Only this time, she says, "I'm just waiting on her to lose that baby. She's too mentally unstable to carry one." Apparently a history of depression means I'm crazy and can't grow a child. Also, the reason my husband married me was because I was his first and he was scared that he'd never find another piece of ass. He doesn't even love me. Blah blah.
Then she goes on to tell my BIL and his wife that I have a God awful disease that'll cause me to lose the baby, I'm high risk, and I'm infected and it'll kill the fetus.

Yes, this is how she refers to her own grandchild.

When my husband confronted her about what all she said, she claims she was just "looking out" for us and wanted us to be aware of the possibilities. Oh, and she "didn't say that exactly.."

Needless to say, she will not be allowed around my child whatsoever.

FTM2k15 · January 2015

@sigjens‌ It's amazingly refreshing to know someone agrees. I've been told I'm overreacting and she still deserves to be in my son's life. I've tried to clear my head and think about it rationally and consider forgiving her, but I can't. Mental block. All I can keep thinking is this woman mentioned my baby dying. Multiple times. Just can't get over it.

Benitess21 · January 2015

hawksfan82 said:

@Benitess21‌: Your SILs would drive me crazy! Ugh! I'm sorry they are acting like that. I don't know why she would even think it was remotely ok to announce your pregnancy. Sure, being an aunt is awesome. I wanted to announce it to the world that my SIL was expecting but I respected her decision to wait for her to make it FB official first. Did your husband have any issues with her posting it? As far as them just expecting to come visit, I'm not sure what can be done about that. I would hope that if they are disrespectful, your husband would step in and say something.

I cringed at just the thought of them. :-< We moved over 3000 miles away from home and I don't care if they might come visit -- but I do not want them in my house. (Is that childish of me?) I just don't tolerate disrespect, especially if I never did anything to you in the first place. Everyone just tells me "that's them, they're b*tches" -- but they're both over 26 and I don't think that anyone should have to put up with their snotty attitudes just because "that's them". GROW UP! At first during the engagement or wedding -- it did bother me and I expected for it to come out of him, but he was a bit more reserved about it. Didn't help that 1. they would do things when he wasn't looking or 2. try to play the victim role and make me look bad. Fortunately, he recently did speak up & even though I am grateful for it (I come from a big family, I was raised to have a close knit family - would never want to bring drama in their relationship) I still don't feel as if he 100% understands me. He's the "I don't hold on to grudges" or "tomorrow's a new day" type of guy.

But I'm just focusing on what's important and trying to keep healthy & happy for my LO.

Thanks for listening

>:D<

Benitess21 · January 2015

FTM2k15 said:

Might be a little late but to share my MIL rant.. also possible triggers. MIL told my husband when I was 18 weeks, "don't get too excited over your baby". When he asked why, she replied with, "Because she'll probably lose it." .... My husband didn't even tell me it was said until I was near 20 weeks at our anatomy ultrasound. He said he wanted me to have absolute proof that the baby was okay before I started freaking out over what was said and it had me worried. So fast forward. My BIL and his wife come over when I'm about 22 weeks and tell me that MIL has been mentioning my son dying to them also. Only this time, she says, "I'm just waiting on her to lose that baby. She's too mentally unstable to carry one." Apparently a history of depression means I'm crazy and can't grow a child. Also, the reason my husband married me was because I was his first and he was scared that he'd never find another piece of ass. He doesn't even love me. Blah blah. Then she goes on to tell my BIL and his wife that I have a God awful disease that'll cause me to lose the baby, I'm high risk, and I'm infected and it'll kill the fetus. Yes, this is how she refers to her own grandchild. When my husband confronted her about what all she said, she claims she was just "looking out" for us and wanted us to be aware of the possibilities. Oh, and she "didn't say that exactly.." Needless to say, she will not be allowed around my child whatsoever.

I am so sorry to hear what you are growing through. There is nothing worse than having someone ruin such a happy moment in your life than by saying such negative things -- and the worst part is whose mouth it's coming out of. This is definitely a job for your husband to intervene and put her in her place (so to speak) because you are his wife and the mother of his child -- he needs to let them know that they need to respect you. T&P are with you -- just try to shake it off and focus on the positive side of your support group! The stress can't be good for our LO's !

P.s I wouldn't want her near my child what so ever either. You are not in the wrong. People need open their eyes and realize when they're wrong and need to apologize.

hawksfan82 · January 2015

@FTM2k15‌: I am so sorry you have to deal with her comments. She sounds like a real piece of work. When reading that, I kept thinking maybe my MIL has a long lost sister because that is the kind of crap she would say if she knew we were expecting. Those are awful things to say. I agree that your husband needs to stand up for you and it sounds like he is. You definitely aren't in the wrong for not wanting her around your child. She needs to apologize and show you respect. Hugs to you!!!

FTM2k15 · January 2015

Thank you for the T&P and hugs. You ladies rock. Just knowing someone out there supports me and understands what kind of situation I've been put in really helps me cope. Hugs and T&P to you ladies also. >:D<

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