Being the preferred parent

mommymegan831 · January 2015

I know their have been posts about parent preference in the past, those of you who are the preferred parent, how do you deal with it? My kids want me to do everything for them. I have to put them in and out of the bath, sometimes they'll let DH give them their bath but at some point they always scream for mommy. They both want to sit on my lap. The past two mornings DS will only go to the bathroom for me. They fight over who I do what for first, like after the bath last night as soon as one wants to get out, the other one does, then someone is screaming that I'm helping the other child. DD, who will be 5 in March, has always been mommy's little girl and preferred me. I have always babied DS, who will be 3 in May, because he's my baby. He's always let DH do more for him because I'm busy with DD so much, but I think as he's gotten older he wants what DD gets from me. I'm more comforting and cuddly with both of them, which I assume is a big part of why they always want mommy.
Would you let one child scream why you help the other one, or force them to let daddy do things for them too? I pick them up around 3 and DH is home by 4 so they get plenty of mommy and daddy time.

TheBorg7of9 · January 2015

Try this "mommy will do it this time, but next time is daddy's turn". Repeat several times and follow through. Good luck! I know it's hard.

MommyAtty · January 2015

I use this phrase with my 2.5 year old when she's demanding attention when her brother is getting some: Suck it up, Cupcake. It's Daddy or bust.

Your kids are fighting over you like you are an object that belongs to them. This sounds less like parental preference and more like ridiculous competition. Especially from a 5 yo, that's unacceptable. My 2.5 yo has always had a preference for me. A strong one. But once I found out I was pregnant with her brother, we started taking concrete steps to make her accept Daddy's help. That has helped him mature as a parent, helped the kids by doubling the parental resources available to each of them, and helped me by giving me an occasional break.

DiveFrog · January 2015

This is a difficult position for both parents. As the preferred parent it is completely draining to be the one that they always want. As the other parent it makes it more difficult to do things for and with your child when they would prefer the other parent.

DD has always been attached to me like glue, always wanted to be with me, and have me do things with her. It has often been utterly draining for me, and frustrating for DH. We were definitely at fault for reinforcing her preference the first 18 months. After she weaned though DH and I got on the same page about her not dictating who she is with, and who takes care of her. Yes she screamed, she screamed/cried about it for months (I would have to go outside, or in our bedroom and take my hearing aids out to get through her screaming for me), but at 2.5 she now rarely screams or cries about this kind of issue.

She still prefers me. She will still come to me to ask for help first. If I am there she still wants to be on my lap/sit with me vs. DH, she still follows me around the house and needs to know where I am going when I leave the room she is in. However, if I tell her that I am busy and she needs to ask DH she will. If we tell her that it is DH's turn to give her a bath, or read stories and put her to bed she is Ok with that.

It helps when we keep to a consistent schedule that rotates between DH and I frequently. When our schedule has me doing too many of these care activities for days in a row, DD will regress and we will get crying/screaming for Mommy when DH goes to do them.

Best of Luck! I can't imagine having 2 vying for my attention at the same intensity that DD does. it is one of my biggest fears in regards to expanding our family. We recently started ttc, but it was after a year delay for this exact reason. We have seen enough improvement though through reinforcing that we both do things with and for her, that I finally felt comfortable trying for #2.

TheBorg7of9 · January 2015

Another vote for a consistent schedule. My 3 year old know that he stays with daddy every night when I give the 1 year old a bath. He's like "bye! See you later!" Lol.

PSU_Texan · January 2015

Thanks for posting this. I had the same issue last night. 3.5 yo DD didn't want daddy to read her story. I said it's daddy or no story. Of course, then I found a compromise where we all read together. So I caved... I need to employee some of these ideas myself.

mommymegan831 · January 2015

Thanks, I've always been so close with DD and it's always worked so well kind of splitting up the kids, but we deinetly need to work on letting the kids know mommy won't be doing everything and you won't be getting all of mommy's time. The tough thing is it's usually things they may not want to do anyway, like going to the bathroom or taking a bath, so we'll just have to let them scream their way through it until they get daddy will be doing it sometimes.

Mustardseed2007 · January 2015

Agree with the consistent schedule, I'm not the preferred parent but I still do the story for bed time every night and DS (3) refuses to let DH do it.

3 year olds are like Sheldon on Big Bang when it comes to schedules.

traveltheworld · January 2015

We only have one, so take my advice for what it's worth. I'm the preferred parent, by far. But we find that if we tell DS ahead of time which parent is going to do that, and repeat that frequently, he seems to tolerate it better. Simple example - DS always wants me to take him out of his car seat, so we start telling him the moment we get into the car that daddy is going to take him out, then repeat that a few times throughout the trip, then by the time it actually happens, he is mentally prepared for it.

mrs9152013 · January 2015

My youngest loves to call me for everything and I mean everything. So sometimes I have to remind him that daddy can do it too, or I will just make the statement after he ask me to day something, "hey H," kid" needs some whatever, "Kid" daddy is going to do whatever for you". It seems to work most of the time.

CarrieB. · January 2015

DD1 says that i am DD2's mommy and DH is her daddy. She can't comprehend that DH is also the baby's daddy. It's a little heartbreaking. But she's only 3 1/2.

I'd just give it some time and try to be more scheduled if possible.

*sparky* · January 2015

I went through something similar with DS. I always did bedtime for T least the first year. Then when we tried to get DH to start doing bedtime, DS would flip out. We had to stick with Daddy doing it, even if there were tears and after a while the tantrums stopped.

It has been a few years but I think we would also do things like have DH so bedtime one night and I would do it the next. Or DH would read his stories but I would come in for prayers.

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