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June 2015 Moms
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NPR: sober ladies or those with sober SOs - need support, please!

AmyCeeAmyCee member
in June 2015 Moms
So I wrote this long, convoluted post and lost it...so here's the short and sweet version!

DH will celebrate his 1 year sober-versary while we are in South Africa. Everyone we spend time with here knows he's sober and has stopped pushing shots and looking at his sobriety as a "challenge" to get him to drink! But - in SA it's totally new...and people are already "joking" and posting tequila bottles on his facebook page and writing via what's app that "wifey" won't be there to see him...(at the bachelor party) - we spoke about it in therapy and he seems to have his head on straight about what to do...but, I'm having a hard time not "controlling" the situation. I want to write a long message to his family and explain everything...but, I know it's not my business and if he's going to remain sober, he needs to handle it himself not have me swoop in to "save the day!"

So, I'm asking for advice about how to keep my mouth shut without becoming an anxious mess!! I usually get mean and ratty towards DH when I foresee a bad situation and can't control it...and I'm working to not do that as much/anymore!

Anyone have experience?
While I'm not looking for butterflies, glitter poops and puppies - positive experiences are what would benefit me the most right now...I have all the bad scenerios running through my mind already.

TIA!
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Re: NPR: sober ladies or those with sober SOs - need support, please!

  • wtbratcherwtbratcher member
    Was his sobriety his choice or something that needed to happen? If it's the latter, his "friends" are complete ignoramuses; they clearly don't have a clue on how serious this matter is. If it's the first and he knows when to stop, then it's truly a decision only he can make.

    As a wife, you can make suggestions on things to do without involving alcohol; like rock climbing, go kart racing, fishing trip,etc... Make sure to mention how much you love him for being able to be him and not care what others say. How hot that is!

    Good Luck!
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  • elizab14elizab14 member
    I've been clean for a long time and so is my husband. We are familiar with situations like this. Rather than becoming short and anxious with him, I find that sharing my fears honestly gets my point across (rather than my nagging or controlling which makes him almost rebellious ;).

    I think it's great that you've been able to share in therapy how you're feeling. If you've clearly stated your fears with him, bringing it up again and again might make him feel like you don't trust him and his judgement. It's a hard place. I know you're scared because you care. Just have some faith and trust that he will keep his word regardless of those friends. It was a process for me to start realizing that some of my friends that weren't being supportive of my lifestyle change were not my friends. That's for him to figure out and make that change though.

    I write in a journal to keep my mouth shut at times. It helps clear up the mess going on in my head and helps to see things on pen and paper. There are support groups for families like Al-Anon and Nar-Anon that can connect you with others in your situation as well. I'm finding that being pregnant with these hormones are making me a little more anxious and sensitive than I usually am.
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  • suzysurparissuzysurparis member
    edited January 2015
    My DH isnt sober, but when he drinks too much he's an obnoxious asshole to everyone. I've found that when I'm angry/annoyed he's more likely to get super-drunk but if I'm nice or sad he'll control himself more. If you talk to his family or friends, be sure to speak from a place of concern about his health and safety and mention that you know they love and care about him. And with him try to be positive but not patronizing. It's hard to control the fear/nerves/anger but good luck.
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  • EmilywooddesignEmilywooddesign member
    I don't drink at all, and haven't for about a year. I decided to quit on my own after I got very drunk and made an ass of myself and my dads birthday party. People will try to to push him
    And convince him but he just say to say NO a few times and people will get it. Try to just stay calm and trust your husband will look after himself. Good luck
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  • EmilywooddesignEmilywooddesign member
    Oh, and DO NOT write everyone an email- I feel like that would be so embarrassing for him and make you look a little nuts ( in a nice way) haha
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  • AmyCeeAmyCee member
    Thank you all for your advice - it is exactly what I was looking for and needed!!!!

    His sobriety was his choice - but, it was a choice he made after hearing me on the phone asking my attorney to get the papers ready for me to sign.

    @suzysurparis‌ that was my DH, too...I finally had enough when he was out of town and invited someone to his room (she didn't go, she was asleep) and then the last straw was when my son started being disrespectful to me at 3 ("What mommy?" "Leave me alone" "Enough!") - straight out of Daddy's mouth and I realized if I stayed I'd be showing him that's how to treat your wife.

    I think I will get a journal - it will help to get everything out on paper and I know nagging DH is counterproductive. When he's here, I trust him - even to travel for work and not drink - it just seems like a goal for these ignoramus boys that are intimidated by sobriety.

    Thank you all again - I haven't found a new AlAnon group since moving. The last one I went to was so weird, it just didn't help. I may have to drive back to my home meeting for a few weeks before the trip!

    Xo to all of you! Really!
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  • hjdaniels0415hjdaniels0415 member
    It's a hard topic that's for sure. I've been clean (sober), I say clean as it was a variety of drugs that brouht me down- for 3+ years. What an amazing blessing it's been. My husband just celebrated 1year clean on Sunday! It was an amazing day as we celebrated where we have come.

    All that being said, I agree with OP that support groups help. I've gone to them as well as AA and NA meetings during this amazing journey. It's so hard though- I still worry about my husband. I just take it one day at a time and trust that God has a plan and he's got our being clean in it! If it's God, the universe, or just whatever you believe in know I believe in you and your husband just keep on keepin on.

    One last thing, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your sharing and being so open helps me to feel less alone. It's not an easy journey but with tears in my eyes I can say it's worth it. And those friends of your husbands that don't understand just leave it and them. True friends celebrate with myself and husband. Good vibes, thoughts, prayers and a whole lotta love to you and your husband.
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  • IsadoraBIsadoraB member
    Is he doing this on his own or is he in the program?

    As a child of two alcoholics I totally understand having control issues. Trusting someone to handle a situation like this themselves is HARD. Have you been to an al-anon meeting? If not I would STRONGLY suggest it.

    Also these "friends" that are posting stuff like that on FB and are trying to get him off the wagon sound like assholes that should not be in your lives.

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  • AmyCeeAmyCee member
    Thanks all. These are his brothers friends - and we never see them - but his brother is getting married, so they will be at the bachelor party. I'm not worried about the wedding because I'll be there and he leans on me. But, I'll be at a separate bachelorette party while he's with the crazy boys. It's not entirely their fault as he is not open that he's in AA and sober - it doesn't really come up on Facebook. Just that he doesn't drink...so he's getting a lot of "We'll change that!" And "But, you have to try this (expensive) scotch/tequila, etc!" He tells me to trust him and I do- it's just hard.
    I'm totally without support there and my inlaws are hectic hectic people!!!

    I'm glad I can be a source of strength for others -it's so hard to go through this - when my journey was just beginning it would have been nice to have people to lean on - everyone just rushed to tell me to leave. I'm proud of him everyday from where we've come a year ago...this is the same week I intercepted the text message to another woman (I just realized that!) What a difference a year makes :)

    Xo
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  • mamahawk12mamahawk12 member
    No experience, just want to wish you guys best of luck. It makes me really, really angry for you that his other friends and family aren't being as supportive as possible and are actually encouraging negative behavior. It would also be really hard for me to not intervene and make some heads roll, but I think you're making the right choice to stay out of it. If this truly is something that is a priority to him, he will make the right choices. I think it will be really positive for your relationship to see him make those choices on his own. Best of luck!
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  • mommacandimommacandi member
    This is tough and I know how difficult it can be to not be able to control a situation that is so important to you and your family as a whole. I agree that these guys are jackasses to not support his sobriety. I'm afraid in this situation, you will just have to trust your husband to maintain his sobriety. I think letting him know you support and trust him to make healthy decisions, and that you'll be there for him if he has a moment of weakness will help him to do just that. I'll be thinking about you!

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