June 2015 Moms
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MY MOTHER
cag11890
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oh dear where to begin. My
Mom and I have never had the best relationship. I talk to her regularly she does a LOT to help me out. But It's been about 10 years (I'm 24) since I've told her I love her. I feel bad for this but it's something that has happened over time. Well I never wanted kids I was on birth control when I got pregnant so it was a huge surprise, my mother, in a joking manner, will tell people "wellll I'm exactly excited to be a grandma, it was an accident." Something along those lines. I know she is excited because she BEGS me to go to my dr apts. so she is joking when she says it but it really hurts my feelings. And so I push her even further away. I don't want her at my apts I would rather go alone. Another reason is she OBSESSES over my weight. Every apt I've been to so far she has made it a point to ask the dr my weight and comment on how she thinks it's high. It's really upsetting to me because my weight is a sinsitive subject with out the pregnancy gain. I don't need anyone else telling me about it. When she does things like this I push her away, I don't want her around I don't want to talk about my pregnancy with her because it's hard enough on me as it is. She gets upset and prys and prys until I flat out no filter tell her why I'm upset and then she gets defensive because I hurt her feelings by telling her she hurts mine when she isn't doing it intentionally. I feel awful right now because we just got into a huge fight over it and I feel bad for hurting her feelings. I don't know what to do in this situation. Talking to her just makes her mad and to be honest she acts a bit like a high schooler the way she gets so defensive
Mom and I have never had the best relationship. I talk to her regularly she does a LOT to help me out. But It's been about 10 years (I'm 24) since I've told her I love her. I feel bad for this but it's something that has happened over time. Well I never wanted kids I was on birth control when I got pregnant so it was a huge surprise, my mother, in a joking manner, will tell people "wellll I'm exactly excited to be a grandma, it was an accident." Something along those lines. I know she is excited because she BEGS me to go to my dr apts. so she is joking when she says it but it really hurts my feelings. And so I push her even further away. I don't want her at my apts I would rather go alone. Another reason is she OBSESSES over my weight. Every apt I've been to so far she has made it a point to ask the dr my weight and comment on how she thinks it's high. It's really upsetting to me because my weight is a sinsitive subject with out the pregnancy gain. I don't need anyone else telling me about it. When she does things like this I push her away, I don't want her around I don't want to talk about my pregnancy with her because it's hard enough on me as it is. She gets upset and prys and prys until I flat out no filter tell her why I'm upset and then she gets defensive because I hurt her feelings by telling her she hurts mine when she isn't doing it intentionally. I feel awful right now because we just got into a huge fight over it and I feel bad for hurting her feelings. I don't know what to do in this situation. Talking to her just makes her mad and to be honest she acts a bit like a high schooler the way she gets so defensive
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Re: MY MOTHER
EDD: June 10th 2015 ~ Aussie Bumpie~FTM
** June 2015 ~ January Siggy - Pinterest Fails**
EDD: June 10th 2015 ~ Aussie Bumpie~FTM
** June 2015 ~ January Siggy - Pinterest Fails**
My pregnancy was planned but even I could not handle my mother at appts. Why is your mother coming to appts? I hate the nurse knowing my weight, can't imagine having someone else there to point out my weight is "high."
Lay down the law with her
That said, how are you feeling about your pregnancy now (since you said previously you never wanted kids)?
And Im definitely getting excited about it, I'm 16 weeks now and I can't wait to find out what I'm having. It wasn't at all in my plan but I'm getting more and more excited everyday. It was really tough at first but everything is getting much better:)
My mom and I get along pretty well, but she does have a thing about my weight, so I get that too. It's bad enough that other family members have told her she's being weird. I just tell her my dr isn't worried and change the subject.
My dad is the a- hole about weight so I get that too! It sucks!!! I'm sorry
Re your appointments, if your mother is the person that has to be at your appointments - have the nurse discuss weight one day. Ensure she explains that it MUST increase over the next 5 mths and that after birth you can only do mild to moderate exercise. When mommy brings it up again - remind her what your certified medical practioner said or just change the topic.
Re her excitement about being a grandmother - have a chat with her about how excited you are about becomming a mother. Put her on the spot about how excited she is to become a grandma. Keep sharing your excitement with her, she will eventually stop saying it was an accident.
Finally - re telling her you love her...there are various ways to do that. Start simple; buy her a card or flowers or something she likes to tell her thanks for supporting you in your pregnancy. Hug her and say thanks or even kiss her on the cheek. Tell her the reasons you are thankful that she is in your life. You will realize that she actually really loves you but can only show you in the way she knows.
Sorry for the epistle; just sharing the practical things done to fix a terrible relationship with my mommy. I also prayed about it a whole lot - prayer had the biggest impact to be honest!
Coming from someone who has had similar experiences, you need to keep in mind the following things:
1. You cannot change her, she can try to change herself but you cannot wait on that as it is not assured
2. You can change your feelings and actions/reactions
3. You should work on this as soon as possible because you will be a mother soon and you could repeat the cycle/behaviors with your own child
4. Even though she is your mother, you are not required to put her desires above your needs
I find for my own dealings, it's easier to control myself if I look at her actions/baiting/judging/etc as pitiful rather getting angry/annoyed. And dont let her go to the dr apts anymore.
TTC since March 2014
BFP#1 09/25/2014 EDD 6/4/2015
My mom does try to help out when she can and I appreciate it but honestly she seems to think she can throw gifts or money at us and we'll let her treat us like crap and...no. No we won't.
Just wanted to say, I feel you...I think many of us have been there, unfortunately. Hope it gets better.
As a couple PPs have said, boundaries are key. Now, I know I could NEVER tell my mother what the boundaries I've set are. She'd tell me I'm being over dramatic and then laugh them off. So, I simply know what they are and follow them myself. This often means being super blunt about things, i.e. "No mother, I'm not taking the old baby crib from 1986 in your attic to be frugal. I want a new crib and that's all there is to it." After I tell her my decisions, I make it extremely clear that they are not up for advice, debate or opinions. We also have about 3 safe topics we can talk about that won't result in a blow out and we stick to them.
Our relationship improved a lot when I took the view that I don't need her approval or for her to be proud of me. As long as I feel good about my life choices, that's what matters. I now view her as just another acquaintance in my life who can be pleasant to talk to and spend time with, but who is on a "need to know" basis when it comes to big things. It has been much better that way! I hope you can figure out a way to have a relationship with your mom that is healthy as well!
It sounds like you are partaking in some unhealthy relationships. It seems like you are choosing the lesser of evils when it comes to your mom and your boyfriend. Whatever he has done, that is not so good, should not be glossed over because you don't feel he is as bad as your mom. I would strongly suggest speaking to someone about relationships and boundaries-a therapist, or someone who can hold a mirror up to your life and examine it with you when it comes to your relationships.
I say this mostly from experience. I have had a rough relationship with my mother from the start of my life and your mom and my mom sound awfully similar. It is hard because you feel bad because she is your mom. It took me seeing a therapist for awhile to recognize that she was unhealthy and manipulated me into unhealthy boundaries. It was something I wanted figured out before I had children so I didn't subconsciously do it to my own kids after experiencing it for years myself. It really sounds like there are some conflicting things going on in your life, but you deserve to be happy and create a happy life for yourself.
This is something that really helped put some things in perspective for me, maybe it could help:
"Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren't inherently bad people, but they aren't the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can't destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your well-being a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful-you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself" -Daniell Koepke
I love this quote! I need to note it down as a way to explain to people why my mother and I don't have a relationship, she was not invited to my wedding and doesn't even know I'm pregnant.
OP - You've been given some great advice here by PP's. If you aren't ready or willing to go as far as removing the toxic people from your life at this point, taking some control and setting boundaries is the best place to start. You can't control your mother but you can control the situations that you put yourself in to with her in ways that keep you from feeling angry, hurt and upset each time. Think about the things that trigger you like weight and find a way to shut that down. IMO, the Dr. or nurse should NOT be telling her anything about your chart in the first place so kindly request that that information not be shared with anyone whether they are invited to your apt or not.
One of my biggest fears now that I know we are having a girl is that we will end up with a distanced relationship but I am determined to not be that kind of mom. Lots of reading, counseling and desire to be different will make that happen. I hope that you are able to see these unhealthy relationships and start taking steps to make positive changes for you and your new baby.